American Idol Top 36: Alexis Grace is All Dirtied Up
7 CommentsBy Lostcheerio on Wednesday, February 18, 2009 at 1:51 PM.
I’m back. Did you miss me?
It’s time for that raw, feverish expression of our vibrant collective animus, the reality show we call American Idol. Let the teeth be bared. Let the nails be filed. The lion will get no sleep tonight. This year they’ve changed the process for some reason. I don’t know what all this madness is about 36 finalists, wild card spots, and whatnot, but it sounds like they’re cutting down the number of shows or something. Tomorrow, only the top three from tonight’s 12 acts will go on to the finals. Only the top three, people! The odds are stacked in a way that odds have never been stacked before! Like backwards and sideways at the same time! Holy crap!
Let’s get to the grit.
Jackie Tohn: Here comes that big personality we’ve all heard so much about! Terrible shame that big personality is walking around behind a face shaped like a garden spade. Jackie interviews in a purple quilted jacket with big colorful appliqués. She belts out "Little Less Conversation" spread-legged in lycra pants, high tops, a wide red leather belt, and a hideous strapless v-neck. Wow, Jackie Tohn has her own web site! Do not miss the blog, brilliantly titled "Ramblings" which contains one test post. Also, there is a picture of her on a hammock. Her performance is breathless, strained, shouty, and she follows it up with a lot of “yo” and “dude” and “I’m an entertainer.” Jackie is going home. I’m sure all the three fans of Jackie will be very sad. The judges praise her for jumping around the stage a lot and for having a big shovelly face.
Ricky Braddy: Ricky’s tape shows us that Ricky is a dedicated wearer of cardigans. Tonight, however, he steps out in a too-small purple velvet sport coat, too-small pants, a couple of gruesome colorless facial moles, and that damn microphone must have been dipped in oil or something. He sings some song I don’t know, but I have an awful suspicion that if its mother wanted to categorize it, she’d say it was smooth jazz. Poor Ricky is absolutely going home. The judges foam and rave about his talent and his subtlety and interpretation and amazingness and I guarantee I will not remember him after the next commercial. Hey Ricky’s family, enjoy that domain name. What exactly are they trying to promote? I guess I already forgot.
Let’s talk about for one moment the fact that upstairs in the Coke room Ryan has the parents of the contestants waiting to congratulate them after their performances. This involves each contestant giving mom and dad a big hug with their butts shoved right in the camera. Wow, live TV is so neat and full of butt shots! But seriously, don’t ask the parents how proud they are right now. The answer is “Really proud.” And now, with this new set of parents, the answer is still, “Really proud.”
Hey, we’re back.
Alexis Grace: Alexis is the cute, shy, endearing young mom who the judges encouraged to “dirty up.” Dirtying up apparently involves getting magenta hair streaks and wearing lingerie on stage. Pearls and black nail polish also figure large in Alexis’ new look. Babe, you look like a forty-year-old in a dirty wig. The judges applaud her revision of her character and personality. They declare that she has now got soul. Upstairs, a long-haired potato claiming to be her father cries over her lacy hem.
Brent Keith: Sorry, a country singer is not going to win this year. Nobody cares what you like to do “In a Hick Town” nor do we want to hear songs about it. Your sob story about living paycheck to paycheck and hoping for your big break does not move us. This ha-ha glorification of behaviors that are embraced by denizens of a “hick town” is no longer trendy. You just might be a dumbass. Irrelevant but... huh? It looks like Brent Keith was also a contestant on Nashville Star. Is that the same bloodless fool?
Stevie Wright: Stevie presents with a big old face covered in shining pimples, and chases a Taylor Swift bubble gum pop song all over the map with disastrous results. It’s like watching a tired brown dog with one leg try and climb a ladder while smiling and winking at a big sparkly camera. Totally terrible. The judges slam her. Mom reminds Ryan that she’s sixteen. Stevie is all done here.
Anoop Desai: I had a lot of hope for Anoop as a character, but he sort of limps through this R&B song a little sharp, and his hand is visibly shaking. I think he might have said “Blahbeddy bloo” instead of the real words at one point. That’s never a good sign, dawg. Paula says that America has connected with Anoop, but Sanjaya he is not.
Casey Carlson: Casey is a fembot, yo. Fembots have good pop appeal, but Casey’s facial wiring is malfunctioning in a way that is positively Palin. She sings “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic” looking like she's trying to dislodge an insect from her nose. You know what though, not even the aged and reproductive Palin had those weird forehead wrinkles that make a cute little nose-wrinkle turn into a demonic possession. The judges hated it. Her mombot hugs her and repeats “Love you dearly” and “Yay Casey!” a bunch of times while Casey inches away. Bye Casey!
Michael Sarver: Michael works on an oil rig as a roughneck, as we all bloody well know by now. He sings “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin McGraw, and somewhere Bo Bice rolls his eyes, shrugs and takes another puff of whatever that thing is in his hand. Unfortunately, Michael plays it like a damn chump. What’s with the smiling, winking, and nose crinkling? First Casey, and now this. Michael looks fat and nervous, spends the song behind the beat, and apes like a toddler in a beauty pageant. Upstairs, he disappoints Ryan by hand-signing his numbers for the camera. Ryan says, “Look at you; you’re that guy, showing your numbers for the camera.” And you were expecting?
Kara sucks as a judge. Who cares?
Ann Marie Koskovich: This is the girl the judges sent out of the audition room to change her clothes and put some makeup on. She sings “Natural Woman” and blows it out pretty well, I think. Pretty blue dress, shiny swingy hair, no cute little faces. I like her. The judges hate it. When she goes upstairs, she plops down on the sofa and a crackling noise comes out of her butt. She says, “I sat down right on the hard part!” and then gives a couple of confusing thumbs ups. Ryan, rattled or irritated – can’t tell which, goes straight to the numbers, foregoing all the “How proud are you right now? I mean, to see her, there on that stage, how proud are you?”
Our local news teaser informs me that the Facebook TOS is problematic, and that the tool in the velvet jacket is a local. OH my goodness.
Stephen Fowler: Stephen Fowler is a black dude with an amazing head of wild curls. He is not that cadaverous white guy from Wife Swap who made fun of Missouri and told that small-town woman that people like her were needed to feed the military. You remember, the guy who wore the “GREEN FOREVAH” t-shirts all through the show and then embarrassed himself and Greens everywhere by tittering with his kids over the fact that the Missouri woman hadn’t heard of Umberto Eco and was therefore talking to her is like burning coal to toast Twinkies at a Walmart corporate retreat. Anyway, Stephen Fowler sings Michael Jackson in a dumb way and the judges hate it. Bye Stephen Fowler!
Tatiana Del Toro: I violently hate this person. I will be so glad when she is off the show, but I have an awful feeling she is here to stay. She appears in a beach towel and sings “Saving All My Love For You” as if she’s in a wind machine. Kara wonders where she will fit in, in the industry, and Tatiana answers, “I fit in everywhere. It’s world music.” Simon calls her a drama queen and she says she just wants to market herself. Her exact words: “That’s what I desire.” After Ryan gives her numbers, she says, “America, please vote. This is my dream and it’s up to you to keep it alive.” I no longer wonder who “Vote for the Worst” is sponsoring this year.
Danny Gokey: Danny’s wife is newly dead and he’s a church music director. He will, in fact, make it to the finals. He sings “Hero” by Mariah Carey and does great. That’s your top vote-getter, right there. Kara shouts that Danny gives “us all hope.” Paula says, “I have two words with a hyphen: sold-out arenas.” Simon passes on the hype, and also on the shirts that have something crawling up over the left shoulder. Or maybe there just aren’t any left in wardrobe after the contestants got done choosing their outfits for tonight.
Top guy: Danny Gokey
Top girl: Alexis Grace
Third Spot: Tatiana Del Toro
The only reason Tatiana will not get the third spot tonight is if they’re keeping her for the wild card. Which is entirely possible.
It’s time for that raw, feverish expression of our vibrant collective animus, the reality show we call American Idol. Let the teeth be bared. Let the nails be filed. The lion will get no sleep tonight. This year they’ve changed the process for some reason. I don’t know what all this madness is about 36 finalists, wild card spots, and whatnot, but it sounds like they’re cutting down the number of shows or something. Tomorrow, only the top three from tonight’s 12 acts will go on to the finals. Only the top three, people! The odds are stacked in a way that odds have never been stacked before! Like backwards and sideways at the same time! Holy crap!
Let’s get to the grit.
Jackie Tohn: Here comes that big personality we’ve all heard so much about! Terrible shame that big personality is walking around behind a face shaped like a garden spade. Jackie interviews in a purple quilted jacket with big colorful appliqués. She belts out "Little Less Conversation" spread-legged in lycra pants, high tops, a wide red leather belt, and a hideous strapless v-neck. Wow, Jackie Tohn has her own web site! Do not miss the blog, brilliantly titled "Ramblings" which contains one test post. Also, there is a picture of her on a hammock. Her performance is breathless, strained, shouty, and she follows it up with a lot of “yo” and “dude” and “I’m an entertainer.” Jackie is going home. I’m sure all the three fans of Jackie will be very sad. The judges praise her for jumping around the stage a lot and for having a big shovelly face.
Ricky Braddy: Ricky’s tape shows us that Ricky is a dedicated wearer of cardigans. Tonight, however, he steps out in a too-small purple velvet sport coat, too-small pants, a couple of gruesome colorless facial moles, and that damn microphone must have been dipped in oil or something. He sings some song I don’t know, but I have an awful suspicion that if its mother wanted to categorize it, she’d say it was smooth jazz. Poor Ricky is absolutely going home. The judges foam and rave about his talent and his subtlety and interpretation and amazingness and I guarantee I will not remember him after the next commercial. Hey Ricky’s family, enjoy that domain name. What exactly are they trying to promote? I guess I already forgot.
Let’s talk about for one moment the fact that upstairs in the Coke room Ryan has the parents of the contestants waiting to congratulate them after their performances. This involves each contestant giving mom and dad a big hug with their butts shoved right in the camera. Wow, live TV is so neat and full of butt shots! But seriously, don’t ask the parents how proud they are right now. The answer is “Really proud.” And now, with this new set of parents, the answer is still, “Really proud.”
Hey, we’re back.
Alexis Grace: Alexis is the cute, shy, endearing young mom who the judges encouraged to “dirty up.” Dirtying up apparently involves getting magenta hair streaks and wearing lingerie on stage. Pearls and black nail polish also figure large in Alexis’ new look. Babe, you look like a forty-year-old in a dirty wig. The judges applaud her revision of her character and personality. They declare that she has now got soul. Upstairs, a long-haired potato claiming to be her father cries over her lacy hem.
Brent Keith: Sorry, a country singer is not going to win this year. Nobody cares what you like to do “In a Hick Town” nor do we want to hear songs about it. Your sob story about living paycheck to paycheck and hoping for your big break does not move us. This ha-ha glorification of behaviors that are embraced by denizens of a “hick town” is no longer trendy. You just might be a dumbass. Irrelevant but... huh? It looks like Brent Keith was also a contestant on Nashville Star. Is that the same bloodless fool?
Stevie Wright: Stevie presents with a big old face covered in shining pimples, and chases a Taylor Swift bubble gum pop song all over the map with disastrous results. It’s like watching a tired brown dog with one leg try and climb a ladder while smiling and winking at a big sparkly camera. Totally terrible. The judges slam her. Mom reminds Ryan that she’s sixteen. Stevie is all done here.
Anoop Desai: I had a lot of hope for Anoop as a character, but he sort of limps through this R&B song a little sharp, and his hand is visibly shaking. I think he might have said “Blahbeddy bloo” instead of the real words at one point. That’s never a good sign, dawg. Paula says that America has connected with Anoop, but Sanjaya he is not.
Casey Carlson: Casey is a fembot, yo. Fembots have good pop appeal, but Casey’s facial wiring is malfunctioning in a way that is positively Palin. She sings “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic” looking like she's trying to dislodge an insect from her nose. You know what though, not even the aged and reproductive Palin had those weird forehead wrinkles that make a cute little nose-wrinkle turn into a demonic possession. The judges hated it. Her mombot hugs her and repeats “Love you dearly” and “Yay Casey!” a bunch of times while Casey inches away. Bye Casey!
Michael Sarver: Michael works on an oil rig as a roughneck, as we all bloody well know by now. He sings “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin McGraw, and somewhere Bo Bice rolls his eyes, shrugs and takes another puff of whatever that thing is in his hand. Unfortunately, Michael plays it like a damn chump. What’s with the smiling, winking, and nose crinkling? First Casey, and now this. Michael looks fat and nervous, spends the song behind the beat, and apes like a toddler in a beauty pageant. Upstairs, he disappoints Ryan by hand-signing his numbers for the camera. Ryan says, “Look at you; you’re that guy, showing your numbers for the camera.” And you were expecting?
Kara sucks as a judge. Who cares?
Ann Marie Koskovich: This is the girl the judges sent out of the audition room to change her clothes and put some makeup on. She sings “Natural Woman” and blows it out pretty well, I think. Pretty blue dress, shiny swingy hair, no cute little faces. I like her. The judges hate it. When she goes upstairs, she plops down on the sofa and a crackling noise comes out of her butt. She says, “I sat down right on the hard part!” and then gives a couple of confusing thumbs ups. Ryan, rattled or irritated – can’t tell which, goes straight to the numbers, foregoing all the “How proud are you right now? I mean, to see her, there on that stage, how proud are you?”
Our local news teaser informs me that the Facebook TOS is problematic, and that the tool in the velvet jacket is a local. OH my goodness.
Stephen Fowler: Stephen Fowler is a black dude with an amazing head of wild curls. He is not that cadaverous white guy from Wife Swap who made fun of Missouri and told that small-town woman that people like her were needed to feed the military. You remember, the guy who wore the “GREEN FOREVAH” t-shirts all through the show and then embarrassed himself and Greens everywhere by tittering with his kids over the fact that the Missouri woman hadn’t heard of Umberto Eco and was therefore talking to her is like burning coal to toast Twinkies at a Walmart corporate retreat. Anyway, Stephen Fowler sings Michael Jackson in a dumb way and the judges hate it. Bye Stephen Fowler!
Tatiana Del Toro: I violently hate this person. I will be so glad when she is off the show, but I have an awful feeling she is here to stay. She appears in a beach towel and sings “Saving All My Love For You” as if she’s in a wind machine. Kara wonders where she will fit in, in the industry, and Tatiana answers, “I fit in everywhere. It’s world music.” Simon calls her a drama queen and she says she just wants to market herself. Her exact words: “That’s what I desire.” After Ryan gives her numbers, she says, “America, please vote. This is my dream and it’s up to you to keep it alive.” I no longer wonder who “Vote for the Worst” is sponsoring this year.
Danny Gokey: Danny’s wife is newly dead and he’s a church music director. He will, in fact, make it to the finals. He sings “Hero” by Mariah Carey and does great. That’s your top vote-getter, right there. Kara shouts that Danny gives “us all hope.” Paula says, “I have two words with a hyphen: sold-out arenas.” Simon passes on the hype, and also on the shirts that have something crawling up over the left shoulder. Or maybe there just aren’t any left in wardrobe after the contestants got done choosing their outfits for tonight.
Top guy: Danny Gokey
Top girl: Alexis Grace
Third Spot: Tatiana Del Toro
The only reason Tatiana will not get the third spot tonight is if they’re keeping her for the wild card. Which is entirely possible.
Labels: american idol, recap, summary, top 36, week 1
