American Idol: Top Nine; ITunes Week: Adam Lambert Brings the Funk
5 CommentsBy Lostcheerio on Tuesday, March 31, 2009 at 10:48 PM.
This is their moment! Paula is wearing awesome pink bling! Kara is smiling with her mouth hanging open! Someone in the audience is distractedly pulling the limbs off a child!
Tonight is More Money for ITunes week! The Idols will be mentored by the equipment in the studio where they tape Ryan's radio show (it's the show that Dick Clark started!) where Ryan demonstrates how he says, "This is American Idol!" into a microphone. Wow, at the push of a button, music comes out of the speaker! It's like magic, but really predictable unawesome magic. This week, our singers can pick any song that's popular on ITunes, with "popular" defined as "available."
ANOOP DESAI: Anoop sings an Usher song. Who is Usher? Is he that cartoon dog with the square head? Anoop is wearing a grimly ill-fitting black suit with the collar turned up. The epaulets are made of Rainbow Brite puffy stickers, all in a row, and there's a chain around one armpit. His shirt has a Care Bear on it (the one with the raindrops on its gut). I don't know the song, I don't want to be glared at by Anoop, and I have a feeling the backup singers could give us a better show than this horse's ass. What a staggering tool is Anoop Desai. What a quivering, gelatinous mass of toolage is this eyebrow waggler. The judges are unimpressed. Anoop defends himself by clarifying that their opinions are their opinions, adding that his butt has a hole in it, like most other people's butts, and that he wants to be an R&B artist. He is wearing a sparkly dog tag when he says all this. Can anyone else make sense of this man's wardrobe? It just mystifies me, but not in a good way, in a, like, how did the corpse of a hedgehog get stuck in my garbage disposal way.
Tom Colicchio wants me to keep it simple. I do not want Listerine to do six things. Just one thing.
Shock: Every song you hear is available on ITunes!
MEGAN JOY: Megan doesn't care, she's singing Bob Marley's "Turn Your Lights Down Low." This is finally, she says, a song she really loves. She sings it in her own special twitchy gutteral way, channeling Katherine Hepburn and also that lady at the old folks' home that won't shut up and keeps looking at you with that knowing wink, like, we understand each other. But you don't know her. And she smells like cabbage. Megan (not the hypoethetical old lady) is wearing chains and necklaces all over her collarbones, a teal corset top, and jeans. Kara doesn't like it. Paula suggests she sit on a stool with a spotlight and sing a sensitive ballad that rips the heart out of everyone. Simon calls it boring and indulgent. Randy says it took forever. They encourage her to sing Amy Winehouse, Duffy, and Adele.
DANNY GOKEY: Danny tells Randy that last week he had to sing his fifth choice of song. This is not the first time, this season, that Idols have referenced the song choice process, and suggested that they aren't completely in control of the song they sing. It's almost like you start questioning the way they're grilled and blamed about song choice every week, but then you don't, because the shiny lights are so sparkly, you forget about it. He sings "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts. Maybe the mix is off tonight -- everyone sounds kind of wobbly and dim. Danny never quite finds the pitch or the beat. The song is another reminder that his wife died, and that is pretty sad, but... if he sings "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, he is fired. This is the last "my wife died" song of the season. The next one he sings, the floor opens up and he gets dropped into the basement full of wolves and scary clowns. The judges love him. He responds in his squinty oh-golly way.
ALLISON IRAHETA: Allison practices the guitar in her tape, and we get to see her chewed, wrecked, nasty black fingernail polish. Endearing. She appears in a deconstructed prom dress and Pat Benatar hair, awkwardly stumbles through the first guitary part of "Don't Speak" by No Doubt, with the guitar. Then she flips it around to the back to rasp through the song holding the microphone. The guitar was a mistake. I hate this song. Allison looks like a muppet. No one can understand her clothes. Simon calls it "dressy-uppy." Allison is actually a 45 year old mother of three, she works in telemarketing, smoke three packs of Camels a day, and vacuums her trailer in heels. Vote!
SCOTT MCINTYRE: Don't go changing to try and please him. You've never let him down before. Just lead him over to the piano, so he can smile in your general direction. Scott has new fancy George Michael hair and jacket, and sings Billy Joel. I want to believe he is wearing a t-shirt under there. He is, right? The piano is bangy, the singing is loungey, and his sister is so excited she's bouncing out of her headband. Kara loves the eighties hair. Paula is proud. Simon calls it his best performance. I have been told to stop making fun of the blind guy, so... I will say nothing about the waving. The weird zombie waving. But if you saw the show, you know.
I do not like the overdubbed exaggerated eating sounds on Hardee's commercials.
MATT GIRAUD: Matt reminisces about being in the bottom three last week. No one cares at all. We're just waiting for him to get voted off and then release some precious little album on some sweaty little label and someone will call it "Intense!" and then he will go back to playing standards in a piano bar. Dear Matt, if you have to wear outerwear onstage, do yourself the favor of buying a jacket that fits. "Fits" means the sleeves go at least down to your wrists. Jackets that do not go down to your wrists do not "fit." Ill-fitting jackets counteract intensity. All Best, LYDIA. Matt sings a song by The Fray (you know, like in Scrubs!), with the keyboard set up in the middle of the crowd. The judges say it's like that horrible time he sang Coldplay, and that he needs to choose between the rock side of pop and the R&B side. Between the resentful glow of his colorless mole and the apologetic sheen of his giant pink gums, I don't know what to think either.
LIL ROUNDS: Lil has chosen "I Surrender" by Celine Dion, and between her rained on hair and her aging diva gown, she seems like she's going to play it completely boring. She sings it straight Celine for about the first half and then she lets it rip a little bit, funking it up Lil style. Pretty strong -- I was impressed. The judges don't want her to be adult contemporary, though. They want her to stay young. Ryan brings Lil's daughter to Randy so she can punch him for the criticism, but she gives him a big, adorable hug and Lil cries. That should be good for a few thousand votes.
ADAM LAMBERT: Adam is singing my favorite song, "Play That Funky Music (White Boy)" tonight. He does it kinda Lenny Kravitz, but more Aerosmith. Lots of screaming and tongue-waggling and strobe lighting. Whatever! Okay, it's a super-cheesy song, and there is NO WAY on earth to do it without cheese. Adam does cheese in a way that acknowledges the corniness and then flips it up. The judges like it. It's really weird that he chose it, given that he could have chosen, apparently, anything in the whole world, but yeah. He says he had fun and salutes the band.
KRIS ALLEN: Kris confesses that he is trying to make one of those special moments with "Ain't No Sunshine." Kris, don't you know, when you want to make one of those special moments, you need a string quartet on stage with-- oh, there's the string quartet! Awesome! The moment should be along any moment now -- WOOPS, there it is! He knows, he knows, he knows, he knows. The performance is strained, full of anxiety, like if a chimp got up on stage to play the keyboard, and we all sat there kind of listening to the chimp play the piano, but mostly just worrying that he was going to poop or something. The chimp did not poop but he also didn't blow it out the box metaphorically. Kara has three words for him: "That is artistry." Wow, did you really need "That is"? You could have just given him one word. They really want to keep this fuzzheaded poser in the competition -- they gave him the pimp spot and a string quartet, and yet he still comes off like someone's earnest, nervous brother who wonders if you got a chance to listen to his demo yet.
Best performance: My newly refurbished icemaker.
Worst performance: Anoop Desai
Going home: Matt Giraud
It seems like Anoop has some kind of voting mojo that we mere mortals cannot understand. He should have been gone after "Beat it" and yet, here he is. Megan, also, has a strong fan base. Matt is a lame poser -- he was a wild card, nobody likes him, and I think this is his week to damply depart.
Related posts: American Idol
Tonight is More Money for ITunes week! The Idols will be mentored by the equipment in the studio where they tape Ryan's radio show (it's the show that Dick Clark started!) where Ryan demonstrates how he says, "This is American Idol!" into a microphone. Wow, at the push of a button, music comes out of the speaker! It's like magic, but really predictable unawesome magic. This week, our singers can pick any song that's popular on ITunes, with "popular" defined as "available."
ANOOP DESAI: Anoop sings an Usher song. Who is Usher? Is he that cartoon dog with the square head? Anoop is wearing a grimly ill-fitting black suit with the collar turned up. The epaulets are made of Rainbow Brite puffy stickers, all in a row, and there's a chain around one armpit. His shirt has a Care Bear on it (the one with the raindrops on its gut). I don't know the song, I don't want to be glared at by Anoop, and I have a feeling the backup singers could give us a better show than this horse's ass. What a staggering tool is Anoop Desai. What a quivering, gelatinous mass of toolage is this eyebrow waggler. The judges are unimpressed. Anoop defends himself by clarifying that their opinions are their opinions, adding that his butt has a hole in it, like most other people's butts, and that he wants to be an R&B artist. He is wearing a sparkly dog tag when he says all this. Can anyone else make sense of this man's wardrobe? It just mystifies me, but not in a good way, in a, like, how did the corpse of a hedgehog get stuck in my garbage disposal way.
Tom Colicchio wants me to keep it simple. I do not want Listerine to do six things. Just one thing.
Shock: Every song you hear is available on ITunes!
MEGAN JOY: Megan doesn't care, she's singing Bob Marley's "Turn Your Lights Down Low." This is finally, she says, a song she really loves. She sings it in her own special twitchy gutteral way, channeling Katherine Hepburn and also that lady at the old folks' home that won't shut up and keeps looking at you with that knowing wink, like, we understand each other. But you don't know her. And she smells like cabbage. Megan (not the hypoethetical old lady) is wearing chains and necklaces all over her collarbones, a teal corset top, and jeans. Kara doesn't like it. Paula suggests she sit on a stool with a spotlight and sing a sensitive ballad that rips the heart out of everyone. Simon calls it boring and indulgent. Randy says it took forever. They encourage her to sing Amy Winehouse, Duffy, and Adele.
DANNY GOKEY: Danny tells Randy that last week he had to sing his fifth choice of song. This is not the first time, this season, that Idols have referenced the song choice process, and suggested that they aren't completely in control of the song they sing. It's almost like you start questioning the way they're grilled and blamed about song choice every week, but then you don't, because the shiny lights are so sparkly, you forget about it. He sings "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts. Maybe the mix is off tonight -- everyone sounds kind of wobbly and dim. Danny never quite finds the pitch or the beat. The song is another reminder that his wife died, and that is pretty sad, but... if he sings "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, he is fired. This is the last "my wife died" song of the season. The next one he sings, the floor opens up and he gets dropped into the basement full of wolves and scary clowns. The judges love him. He responds in his squinty oh-golly way.
ALLISON IRAHETA: Allison practices the guitar in her tape, and we get to see her chewed, wrecked, nasty black fingernail polish. Endearing. She appears in a deconstructed prom dress and Pat Benatar hair, awkwardly stumbles through the first guitary part of "Don't Speak" by No Doubt, with the guitar. Then she flips it around to the back to rasp through the song holding the microphone. The guitar was a mistake. I hate this song. Allison looks like a muppet. No one can understand her clothes. Simon calls it "dressy-uppy." Allison is actually a 45 year old mother of three, she works in telemarketing, smoke three packs of Camels a day, and vacuums her trailer in heels. Vote!
SCOTT MCINTYRE: Don't go changing to try and please him. You've never let him down before. Just lead him over to the piano, so he can smile in your general direction. Scott has new fancy George Michael hair and jacket, and sings Billy Joel. I want to believe he is wearing a t-shirt under there. He is, right? The piano is bangy, the singing is loungey, and his sister is so excited she's bouncing out of her headband. Kara loves the eighties hair. Paula is proud. Simon calls it his best performance. I have been told to stop making fun of the blind guy, so... I will say nothing about the waving. The weird zombie waving. But if you saw the show, you know.
I do not like the overdubbed exaggerated eating sounds on Hardee's commercials.
MATT GIRAUD: Matt reminisces about being in the bottom three last week. No one cares at all. We're just waiting for him to get voted off and then release some precious little album on some sweaty little label and someone will call it "Intense!" and then he will go back to playing standards in a piano bar. Dear Matt, if you have to wear outerwear onstage, do yourself the favor of buying a jacket that fits. "Fits" means the sleeves go at least down to your wrists. Jackets that do not go down to your wrists do not "fit." Ill-fitting jackets counteract intensity. All Best, LYDIA. Matt sings a song by The Fray (you know, like in Scrubs!), with the keyboard set up in the middle of the crowd. The judges say it's like that horrible time he sang Coldplay, and that he needs to choose between the rock side of pop and the R&B side. Between the resentful glow of his colorless mole and the apologetic sheen of his giant pink gums, I don't know what to think either.
LIL ROUNDS: Lil has chosen "I Surrender" by Celine Dion, and between her rained on hair and her aging diva gown, she seems like she's going to play it completely boring. She sings it straight Celine for about the first half and then she lets it rip a little bit, funking it up Lil style. Pretty strong -- I was impressed. The judges don't want her to be adult contemporary, though. They want her to stay young. Ryan brings Lil's daughter to Randy so she can punch him for the criticism, but she gives him a big, adorable hug and Lil cries. That should be good for a few thousand votes.
ADAM LAMBERT: Adam is singing my favorite song, "Play That Funky Music (White Boy)" tonight. He does it kinda Lenny Kravitz, but more Aerosmith. Lots of screaming and tongue-waggling and strobe lighting. Whatever! Okay, it's a super-cheesy song, and there is NO WAY on earth to do it without cheese. Adam does cheese in a way that acknowledges the corniness and then flips it up. The judges like it. It's really weird that he chose it, given that he could have chosen, apparently, anything in the whole world, but yeah. He says he had fun and salutes the band.
KRIS ALLEN: Kris confesses that he is trying to make one of those special moments with "Ain't No Sunshine." Kris, don't you know, when you want to make one of those special moments, you need a string quartet on stage with-- oh, there's the string quartet! Awesome! The moment should be along any moment now -- WOOPS, there it is! He knows, he knows, he knows, he knows. The performance is strained, full of anxiety, like if a chimp got up on stage to play the keyboard, and we all sat there kind of listening to the chimp play the piano, but mostly just worrying that he was going to poop or something. The chimp did not poop but he also didn't blow it out the box metaphorically. Kara has three words for him: "That is artistry." Wow, did you really need "That is"? You could have just given him one word. They really want to keep this fuzzheaded poser in the competition -- they gave him the pimp spot and a string quartet, and yet he still comes off like someone's earnest, nervous brother who wonders if you got a chance to listen to his demo yet.
Best performance: My newly refurbished icemaker.
Worst performance: Anoop Desai
Going home: Matt Giraud
It seems like Anoop has some kind of voting mojo that we mere mortals cannot understand. He should have been gone after "Beat it" and yet, here he is. Megan, also, has a strong fan base. Matt is a lame poser -- he was a wild card, nobody likes him, and I think this is his week to damply depart.
Related posts: American IdolLabels: adam lambert, american idol, itunes, recap, summary, top nine
American Idol: Top Nine Show Recap: Dolly Parton Mentors
9 CommentsBy Lostcheerio on Tuesday, April 1, 2008 at 9:40 PM.
No one has been anticipating the Dolly Parton night more than I have. No, not even you.
Looky at Ryan! Ryan is trying to play an April Fool's joke on us! Oh toodledy doodle! He tells us tonight's episode would be pre-empted (TEE HEE) by a special celebrity edition of "Moment of Truth" (WAKKA WAKKA) starring our very own Simon Cowell (SPROINGK!!!) but then he gives us our first fist-pump off the night and says APRIL FOOLS THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL! Whatever. He's wearing pewter again.
Dolly Parton has written over 3000 songs. She says she thinks of her songs as her children. Dolly looks like the mom from Brazil. The idea of her having 3000 inhuman children is almost logical.
BROOKE WHITE: Her session with Dolly was kind of uncomfortable, but Dolly likes her honesty. She sings "Jolene," which is a song I've never heard before but I kind of like. A man is sitting next to her on a box, and playing the box as percussion. During the song, I pretend there is a little extra man inside the box, being punished for making fun of Dolly's plastic surgery. There is also a violin, and Brooke plays the guitar. Randy said it was alright. Paula told her she had an emotional connection with the song, and added definitively "You are Brooke White." Simon contradicted Paula, saying it lacked emotion, that the group of musicians looked odd together, and that she just sort of busked her way through it. She does look a little casual, in her cornflower blue t-shirt and those damn military button pants again. I'm hoping against hope she'll vote-pimp for the camera by holding up one shrivelled, wrinkled, craggy finger for us: Vote #1 for Brooke! But she just clutches her guitar. You know, she is really very poised up there. I'll give her that. And some coconut oil.
DAVID COOK: David Cook appears on the stools to 'fess up to finding the much-loved arrangements to Day Tripper, Eleanor Rigby, and Billy Jean online. It's not any kind of "I'm sorry" thing, it's just Ryan interviews him into a comfortable place to clarify things. Then he clarifies that tonight's version of "Little Sparrow" is his own. Too bad. Tonight his hair is 80% better, he's wearing a white collared shirt and jeans and strumming an acoustic guitar with no letters on it. He almost looks like a grown-up.
Unfortunately either the song is just monotonous or he can't light up an arrangement without YouTube research. Randy loved it. He says he loved David "going into your false." Paula echoed this sentiment. I like false as a noun. I want a false! Don't you? Let's all go out and have falses. It'll be so thematic for tonight's songwriter. AHEM. Simon congratulated him on making a song about sparrows sound good. Ooo! Another towel-snap to Dolly Parton!
RAMIELE MALUBAY: Ramiele admits to being starstruck by Dolly Parton. Each of Dolly's upper lips flutters gently over cute little Ramiele and her spunky song that she picked. It's one of those perky little numbers that engenders a lot of head-bobbing in a singer, a lot of eyebrow waggling, and I can't remember any of the words or what the song was about. Randy gives it a 6.5 out of ten. Paula announces that Ramiele had a great minute and thirty seconds. Simon predicts that in ten years time we will not remember it. He likens it to a cruise ship performance. Ryan leaps up on stage and Ramiele uses her really ironic upspeak? To tell us? That she was like freaking out? In front of Dolly? Ryan is unamused and shakes Ramiele around by the neck.
JASON CASTRO: Dolly picks up the dreads like they're little animals and says, cryptically "I would dread to do those locks." Yeah. Jason sings "Travelin' Through" in a perfectly respectable way. He actually has a couple of facial expressions that indicate some kind of feeling or some kind of believable performance. Randy liked it. He liked the vibe. Paula thought he sounded great. Simon didn't like the song, thought it sounded just like the last song, just didn't get it.
So, Dolly has given them exactly zero advice, none of the songs have made any significant impact, and her bone structure is terrifying. Couldn't we have had one more Beatles week?
CARLY SMITHSON: Carly stumps out onstage in brown leggings and knee boots. Unfortunate. She starts the song with the guitar player next to her onstage, signalling that this will be one of those "very special performances" but then the band comes in with a Lite FM type accompaniment.
Boring and fat. I mean flat. Her hair tonight reminds me of that awful video she made when she was 16 where she writhed around in a wind machine promising oral sex to all comers. Again they show her tattooed husband. Hey, it worked last week -- she got in the bottom three. Randy and Paula loved it, Simon did not, and Simon points out that she needs to "have a word" with whoever is dressing her. She doesn't look like a star. I agree. She looks like she's wearing those "alternative" jodphurs that some people wear to make a statement when they really should just wear the tan ones like everyone else and let the horse make the statement. If you know what I'm talking about, yo. Leave the steel blue jodphurs. Leave the brown ones. Go with tan. Sing like you mean it.
Ryan comes back from the break in the mosh pit. There are more "returning student" types in the mosh pit than I imagined.
DAVID ARCHULETA: His moist lips and piercing stares make Dolly Parton cry. She references his "little emotion." He sings some kind of country-roads-take-me-home bull droppings about the old folks at home (literally) and leaning on his Jesus (really) and the Smoky Mountains. Nauseating beyond the scope of my tolerance. Randy loved it. Paula applauds his tone and beautiful aura, says he is "glorious." Simon says the song choice was on the money. David does his habitual sighing and squinting, and the fangirls in the front row explode.
KRISTY LEE COOK: Dolly thinks Kristy's Momma will be proud of her. Kristy reveals she would rather impress Dolly Parton than her own mother. Endearing like a bear trap, darlin'. She's wearing turquoise and silver and a glitter eye shadow tonight, singing "Coat of Many Colors" in bare feet.
On the last "coat of many colors that my momma made for me" she wobbles her head all over the place. Yeah, signature head-wobble! Husband says "She really made it for the dog." Yar! Randy and Paula gush and throw roses. Simon calls it pleasant but forgettable.
SYESHA MERCADO: Dolly says she's pretty and has a real pretty voice. Thank you, Dolly. You and Gordon Ramsey, baby. Hard as nails. Syesha sings "I Will Always Love You" in a sunshine yellow dress with a red belt, sitting primly on a grand piano. Heeeeedious to look at, but I think she sang the song very well, actually. It would have been better if a strange brown cat hadn't crawled out of the bushes and sat on her head during the whole performance.
Distracting, that strange brown cat. Randy and Paula garble ambivalence and Simon predictably says that she didn't sing it as well as Whitney Houston might have. Husband points out that everyone who ever does this song gets obliterated in critiques for not being Whitney Houston. I bet David Cook could do it and not get the comparison. If, of course, Alice in Chains had a version on YouTube that he could adapt. But this is about Syesha! And... Syesha is kind of boring.
MICHAEL JOHNS: In the tape, it is revealed that Dolly likes Michael and Michael likes Dolly. It's cute! They dig each other. Michael always seems to pull out something genuine and endearing in the tape, right before he marches out onstage and lays a big squashy turd. Predictably enough, he sings "It's all Wrong But It's All Right" in a really bluesy way with his shirt open, while wearing a silk... purple... NECK SCARF.
Like he is the freakin' "The Continental." GAHHHHH. Too gross. TOO GROSS! I call too gross!!!! Randy loved it, Paula says he looks gorgeous, Simon thinks it's the best he's heard him sing ever. Bleeaarggh.
Best Performance of the Night: In my opinion, Jason Castro or Brooke White. Those are the only one I'd want to hear again.
Most Relentlessly Pimped But Undeserving Horrorshow of the Night: David Archuleta
Worst Performance of the Night: Ramiele Malubay
Going Home: Carly Smithson
Looky at Ryan! Ryan is trying to play an April Fool's joke on us! Oh toodledy doodle! He tells us tonight's episode would be pre-empted (TEE HEE) by a special celebrity edition of "Moment of Truth" (WAKKA WAKKA) starring our very own Simon Cowell (SPROINGK!!!) but then he gives us our first fist-pump off the night and says APRIL FOOLS THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL! Whatever. He's wearing pewter again.
Dolly Parton has written over 3000 songs. She says she thinks of her songs as her children. Dolly looks like the mom from Brazil. The idea of her having 3000 inhuman children is almost logical.
BROOKE WHITE: Her session with Dolly was kind of uncomfortable, but Dolly likes her honesty. She sings "Jolene," which is a song I've never heard before but I kind of like. A man is sitting next to her on a box, and playing the box as percussion. During the song, I pretend there is a little extra man inside the box, being punished for making fun of Dolly's plastic surgery. There is also a violin, and Brooke plays the guitar. Randy said it was alright. Paula told her she had an emotional connection with the song, and added definitively "You are Brooke White." Simon contradicted Paula, saying it lacked emotion, that the group of musicians looked odd together, and that she just sort of busked her way through it. She does look a little casual, in her cornflower blue t-shirt and those damn military button pants again. I'm hoping against hope she'll vote-pimp for the camera by holding up one shrivelled, wrinkled, craggy finger for us: Vote #1 for Brooke! But she just clutches her guitar. You know, she is really very poised up there. I'll give her that. And some coconut oil.
DAVID COOK: David Cook appears on the stools to 'fess up to finding the much-loved arrangements to Day Tripper, Eleanor Rigby, and Billy Jean online. It's not any kind of "I'm sorry" thing, it's just Ryan interviews him into a comfortable place to clarify things. Then he clarifies that tonight's version of "Little Sparrow" is his own. Too bad. Tonight his hair is 80% better, he's wearing a white collared shirt and jeans and strumming an acoustic guitar with no letters on it. He almost looks like a grown-up.
Unfortunately either the song is just monotonous or he can't light up an arrangement without YouTube research. Randy loved it. He says he loved David "going into your false." Paula echoed this sentiment. I like false as a noun. I want a false! Don't you? Let's all go out and have falses. It'll be so thematic for tonight's songwriter. AHEM. Simon congratulated him on making a song about sparrows sound good. Ooo! Another towel-snap to Dolly Parton!
RAMIELE MALUBAY: Ramiele admits to being starstruck by Dolly Parton. Each of Dolly's upper lips flutters gently over cute little Ramiele and her spunky song that she picked. It's one of those perky little numbers that engenders a lot of head-bobbing in a singer, a lot of eyebrow waggling, and I can't remember any of the words or what the song was about. Randy gives it a 6.5 out of ten. Paula announces that Ramiele had a great minute and thirty seconds. Simon predicts that in ten years time we will not remember it. He likens it to a cruise ship performance. Ryan leaps up on stage and Ramiele uses her really ironic upspeak? To tell us? That she was like freaking out? In front of Dolly? Ryan is unamused and shakes Ramiele around by the neck.
JASON CASTRO: Dolly picks up the dreads like they're little animals and says, cryptically "I would dread to do those locks." Yeah. Jason sings "Travelin' Through" in a perfectly respectable way. He actually has a couple of facial expressions that indicate some kind of feeling or some kind of believable performance. Randy liked it. He liked the vibe. Paula thought he sounded great. Simon didn't like the song, thought it sounded just like the last song, just didn't get it.
So, Dolly has given them exactly zero advice, none of the songs have made any significant impact, and her bone structure is terrifying. Couldn't we have had one more Beatles week?
CARLY SMITHSON: Carly stumps out onstage in brown leggings and knee boots. Unfortunate. She starts the song with the guitar player next to her onstage, signalling that this will be one of those "very special performances" but then the band comes in with a Lite FM type accompaniment.
Boring and fat. I mean flat. Her hair tonight reminds me of that awful video she made when she was 16 where she writhed around in a wind machine promising oral sex to all comers. Again they show her tattooed husband. Hey, it worked last week -- she got in the bottom three. Randy and Paula loved it, Simon did not, and Simon points out that she needs to "have a word" with whoever is dressing her. She doesn't look like a star. I agree. She looks like she's wearing those "alternative" jodphurs that some people wear to make a statement when they really should just wear the tan ones like everyone else and let the horse make the statement. If you know what I'm talking about, yo. Leave the steel blue jodphurs. Leave the brown ones. Go with tan. Sing like you mean it.
Ryan comes back from the break in the mosh pit. There are more "returning student" types in the mosh pit than I imagined.
DAVID ARCHULETA: His moist lips and piercing stares make Dolly Parton cry. She references his "little emotion." He sings some kind of country-roads-take-me-home bull droppings about the old folks at home (literally) and leaning on his Jesus (really) and the Smoky Mountains. Nauseating beyond the scope of my tolerance. Randy loved it. Paula applauds his tone and beautiful aura, says he is "glorious." Simon says the song choice was on the money. David does his habitual sighing and squinting, and the fangirls in the front row explode.
KRISTY LEE COOK: Dolly thinks Kristy's Momma will be proud of her. Kristy reveals she would rather impress Dolly Parton than her own mother. Endearing like a bear trap, darlin'. She's wearing turquoise and silver and a glitter eye shadow tonight, singing "Coat of Many Colors" in bare feet.
On the last "coat of many colors that my momma made for me" she wobbles her head all over the place. Yeah, signature head-wobble! Husband says "She really made it for the dog." Yar! Randy and Paula gush and throw roses. Simon calls it pleasant but forgettable.
SYESHA MERCADO: Dolly says she's pretty and has a real pretty voice. Thank you, Dolly. You and Gordon Ramsey, baby. Hard as nails. Syesha sings "I Will Always Love You" in a sunshine yellow dress with a red belt, sitting primly on a grand piano. Heeeeedious to look at, but I think she sang the song very well, actually. It would have been better if a strange brown cat hadn't crawled out of the bushes and sat on her head during the whole performance.
Distracting, that strange brown cat. Randy and Paula garble ambivalence and Simon predictably says that she didn't sing it as well as Whitney Houston might have. Husband points out that everyone who ever does this song gets obliterated in critiques for not being Whitney Houston. I bet David Cook could do it and not get the comparison. If, of course, Alice in Chains had a version on YouTube that he could adapt. But this is about Syesha! And... Syesha is kind of boring.
MICHAEL JOHNS: In the tape, it is revealed that Dolly likes Michael and Michael likes Dolly. It's cute! They dig each other. Michael always seems to pull out something genuine and endearing in the tape, right before he marches out onstage and lays a big squashy turd. Predictably enough, he sings "It's all Wrong But It's All Right" in a really bluesy way with his shirt open, while wearing a silk... purple... NECK SCARF.
Like he is the freakin' "The Continental." GAHHHHH. Too gross. TOO GROSS! I call too gross!!!! Randy loved it, Paula says he looks gorgeous, Simon thinks it's the best he's heard him sing ever. Bleeaarggh.
Best Performance of the Night: In my opinion, Jason Castro or Brooke White. Those are the only one I'd want to hear again.
Most Relentlessly Pimped But Undeserving Horrorshow of the Night: David Archuleta
Worst Performance of the Night: Ramiele Malubay
Going Home: Carly Smithson
Labels: american idol, dolly parton, recap, summary, top nine
