Remember when Bo Bice and Kelly Pickler and Taylor Hicks used to climb down off the stage and stomp around on risers behind the judges and storm around the studio slapping hands?? Man, those were the days. This is final four week and nobody has condescendingly high-fived the fat guy in row five. What's wrong with these cringing pansies?

Ryan introduces tonight's theme: The Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame. He makes bold statements about how deep and wide the ocean of songs from which the idols can choose -- lies, lies and falsifications. This is just another way to reintroduce Beatles Night III.

DAVID COOK: DC is going to sing "Hungry Like a Wolf" by Duran Duran. The mix is completely mysteriously uneven, with the vocals way out front and bald, and the band way down and kinda fuzzed out. It sounds like a man in a snakeskin jacket is standing out in a field of close-cropped grass shouting "DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO" while far away in a tree a band plays solemnly. Maybe in the room it sounded good, but at home we notice things we should never have to notice, like DC delivering that last line as "Helluva Wine! Dark Sugar Wine!" Do we need to mention how unsavory his pooched out, faded daisy, bee-stung lippage looks when he's nodding and giving us Blue Steel during the nonsensical "doo doo doo" parts? Did Brooke White not teach us all the important lesson that covering songs with "doo-doo" makes you sound like hot greasy poo-poo? Randy says it was mediocre. Paula says she has a big appetite. Simon thought it was copycat. He didn't make it his own. DC stands there like a double-dog-douche squinting and nodding and mouthing "thank you" to the girls in the front row.

SYESHA MERCADO: Syesha sits on the interview stools underneath a glamorous new wig, wearing a gold shift dress, with the coke bottles bubbling behind her, and pimps the tour. Good job. Way to show up. She's going to sing "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner although she is a little intimidated by all the choreography and the fact that it's been covered a hundred times. She is going to have fun with it. Uh-oh. Look out. Fun is about to be had. Hide your children. Cover the fruit! Syesha is about to do that thing with her hands! She does the first verse at a slow tempo while rotating her booty around in complex pattern. Believable. Moderate. The kind of dance move that could almost lead a person to be optimistic about the future. Then as the tempo picks up, there is a transitional period where Syesha convulses rhythmically, shaking her stiff new weave back and forth. Finally she does something that looks like she's trying to get a cat off her head. Apparently still under attack by a mad cat, she whirls around the stage, strutting, shrieking, and stomping. Randy and Paula froth with admiration. Simon says it was a lame rip-off of Tina Turner. I agree with... the invisible cat that was trying to de-weave Syesha. Go back to the signature hair puffs, girl.

JASON CASTRO: Jason gives us the following info in his interview: Tonight's theme is the rock 'n' roll hall of fame. There were a lot of songs on the list that he knew. He is going to do one of the ones that he knows pretty well. He is going to sing a song by Bob Marley. It is called "I Shot the Sheriff." He delivers this very enlightening information with the facial expression and vocal inflection of a twelve year old talking about her cute English teacher. So gross. Jason starts off well, in my opinion. I think if he'd done it all without the guitar, and if the mix had been better, so that his voice wasn't all alone out there on the stage with the band in a back room behind a door with a towel stuffed into the crack, he might have laid down a really great performance. Swinging the guitar back and forth, and with the vocal all out of whack, it did kind of suck. All the judges hated it. Simon calls it a first round audition type massacre. Apparently you're not allowed to do Bob Marley, although the song was, as we ALL KNOW, chosen for Jason by the producers. Randy and Simon go through the charade of disagreeing with the song choice, acting like Jason did Ave Maria with his finger up his nose. Jason laughs through the criticism, and then mouths "VOTE! VOTE!" to the camera while his number is being given.

DAVID ARCHULETA: David sings "Stand By Me." It was all very fine I'm sure. I am too bored by David Archuleta to say anything new. The judges fawn and throw roses as usual. Simon says he could have gotten on stage and whistled a song and would have done better than "the last one." I guess it's time for Jason Castro to go home. Good thing Vote for the Worst is on his side now, along with all the fourteen year old girls in the country.

DAVID COOK: On the stools, David interviews that "the par that I've set for myself on this show is really high." Yes, par. He's going to sing "Baba O'Riley" by The Who. He sings it kinda like a Bryan Adams song. Very dull and mainstream. All the edge of a playground ball. I forgot to listen to what the judges said.

SYESHA MERCADO: Syesha lets us know that the civil rights movement was a pivotal moment in history. This is, she adds, a pivotal movement in her history. So, top four of American Idol, civil rights movement, "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cook. She looks great in a beautifully fitted satin evening gown. I hope she enjoys this performance, because it's her last. Goodbye, Syesha. Jason Castro is too cute and giggly and stoned and popular to be defeated by you. Randy didn't like it. Paula gives her a standing O. From one woman in a golden evening dress to another, it was a superstar performance. "Welcome to your dream, Syesha. This is it for you." And here come the tears. Save some for tomorrow, though, honey. Simon agrees with Paula: she sang it really really well. Syesha sobs and chokes and hiccups "It means a lot to me" then takes the opportunity to remind us about the civil rights movement and how she researched the song. That info is not exactly buried in the annals of history, sweetie.

JASON CASTRO: Back in the meaningless world of hey-whatsup snap your fingers and giggle, Jason signs "Mr. Tambourine Man" on the meaningful stool with a yellow spot on him. Unfortunately on "jingle jangle morning" he sings "der dee-der dee-der" with a silly shrug. Woops! Forgot the words! You know what? I still pick him over David Careful-hair-strands Cook or Syesha Acting-is-my-true-passion Mercado or David Amniotic-sac-head Archuleta. Okay? His performances are the only ones I'd want to listen to again. Forgotten lines notwithstanding. Ass-headed delivery of Bob Marley notwithstanding.

I'll tell you the truth, friends. I'm weary of this smug, manipulative, piss-faced show, okay? END IT. Crown that wet little hobbit and let's get on with our lives.

DAVID ARCHULETA: Omigod, I thought the show was over. But, DA is back and he's going to sing "Love Me Tender." He says it will be exciting to sing a really romantic love song on the big stage. I'm so excited I just stuffed a couch cushion into each ear and put my eyes out. As for the song, I can't separate it from the dog food commercial that utilized these lyrics in like 1990. At the end of the song, we get such a tight shot on David's moist, earnest face that I can count his nascent eyebrows. The judges start pulling out their organs and offering them to David as spares. Simon: "You didn't beat the competition tonight. You crushed the competition tonight."

Best performance: David Archuleta
My pick: Jason Castro
Boring the plasma out of me: David Cook
Going home: Syesha Mercado

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, television, top four

Ryan introduces the show by pondering aloud whether anyone will have a nervous breakdown on stage. I think they have an loony bin paddy wagon on standby for Brooke at all times, just in the hopes that she will start foaming and slapping at people. Ryan reminds us how Neil Diamond is, in the words of the montage voiceover, "relentless." And of course, with songs like "America" to choose from -- well, can I skip tonight? No?

At the mentoring sessions, Neil Diamond is not wearing tinsel fringe. Downright weathered. Almost In fact, he looks a little bit like Neil Young. Now that would be a mentor. Glarp! Neil encourages the Idols to be joyful.

JASON CASTRO: First up to be mentored by this strange new Neil Diamond who wears tasteful brown suede is Jason. He shows us he's bringing his M game by immediately forgetting the lyrics to "Forever in Blue Jeans." Forever in oh, crap, my dreadlock fell off in my duck confit. Jason puts in a competent performance with his acoustic guitar and tonight the string section is in business casual. During this song for the first time I can kind of imagine Jason Castro having a future on the adult contemporary charts. Of course, he is wearing blue jeans. Never one to miss a visual metaphor. Tonight the idols will be judged after their second performance, so we don't get to hear from Snip, Snap and Snape until after the second song.

DAVID COOK: Slinging his electric guitar (the white one with the letters AC on it), befriended by a sweet-looking amp stack, and wearing a black business suit with AC appliqued on the front, David sings "I'm Alive." Neil Diamond liked him alright, and the song went fine. However, when Ryan leaps up onstage and addresses him as "DC" -- and I realize that *that* is what all of this AC nonsense is about. I am flattened into powder by the sudden crushing volume of his toolishness. I mean, he had AC emblazoned on his lapel, with, like red gothic letters. Has there ever BEEN such a vile chunk of excrement on this stage? I mean, I can't even look, people. ACDC my dog's puckered bung.

BROOKE WHITE: Brooke asks Neil if he's a hugger or a hand shaker. Uh, he's a serial decapitator. Step up. Brooke sings "I'm a Believer" in such a happy, schmappy, favorite-eccentric-aunt-singing-karaoke way that I feel bad already, just anticipating what vicious criticism will be leveled by Simon Cowell. It was a pretty bad show -- the key too low, the arrangement too reminiscent of the end credits of Shrek, and she played the guitar like she was trying to saw a log in half.

DAVID ARCHULETA: Neil Diamond looks at David Archuleta like he's a lemon bar lightly dusted with powdered sugar. Calls him a prodigy. And David sings "Sweet Caroline" just like you'd expect. There's a point in the middle somewhere when he attempts a fancy run on "they never would" that kind of gets away from him, and I'd almost swear it was edited just then. Like they let him have a tiny bit of a do-over or clipped out some of the mess. I'm sure not, I mean, this show is nothing if not authentic, right? Evidence that DA is a great big green healthy plant notwithstanding.

SYESHA MERCADO: In her mentoring session, she had Neil Diamond clapping and hugging. She sings "Hello Again" with long straight hair, a simple navy dress, and bare feet. She looks beautiful, and she actually delivers the words of the song as if she speaks English and understands what she's singing, unlike the last four screechers who might as well have been reciting "LA LA LA Neil Diamond wrote this song and we all know the words!"

After this round is over, Ryan brings out the contestants and lets the judges give their thoughts to this point. Randy burbles incomprehensibly. Paula apologizes for not being able to read and write, and then critiques Jason Castro rather harshly on two separate songs. When reminded that she was supposed to critique the first song only, she says, "I thought you sang twice!" Then she gets confused and starts rubbing her crib sheet under her armpits. Randy and Simon jumped in to helpfully say, "WHICH WAS YOUR FAVORITE, PAULA? YOUR FAVORITE?" as if she is deaf and ninety. Simon blasts them all and warns them they'd better improve on round two. Can't wait. I hate this episode, it's dreadfully boring. The commercials for "So You Think You Can Dance" are more interesting than this show.

JASON CASTRO: Jason sings "September Morn" on the "special moment" stool. I think he does really very well. Not that he interprets the lyrics or anything, but again, I can see that kind of Harry Connick Jr. audience going for him all of a sudden. This guy could be, like, absolutely mainstream. PLUS I had another brainwave on my endless search for who Jason Castro looks like: Emily Watson. Believe it. Randy didn't like it. Paula thought it was too safe and recommends Jason start to fight for this. Simon calls it forgettable and tells Jason they don't know who he is.

DAVID COOK: Douchey McToolerson sings "All I Really Need is You" with an acoustic guitar and does a fine job. Bit much on the "this microphone is made of opiates and I melt before it" pantomime. Nobody cares about this song. It gets loud, it gets quiet, it is executed by someone who is wearing a girly necklace. Randy is a big fan. Paula feels like she's already looking at the American Idol. Simon thought the first song was okay, the second song brilliant. Could have been on the radio this year.

BROOKE WHITE: Why aren't they letting them change clothes? Brooke's clothes were awful the first time, now they're practically offensive. I don't even know how to describe the grey, damaged, multilayered moist towellette she's got on top, but I do know it's belted. On the interview stools, Ryan reveals she has a lyric written on her arm. She sings "I am Myself" changing "New York City" to "Arizona" on the advice of Neil Diamond. Randy thought it was hard and she did a good job, Paula thought she connected with the audience and made herself vulnerable. Simon said that this the Brooke we like, a million times better than the first song.

DAVID ARCHULETA: This time up, Archuleta sings kind of a Sting-ish version of "America." His voice squeaks once. He says "of thee I sing" twice. Then he ends with "let freedom ring." I have to go outside now and take a wire brush to my eyes and ears. If I try and do it in the living room, my husband will stop me. These images and sounds must be eradicated. The judges crawl up on stage and try to grasp the hem of his garment. Look, I'm not saying his arrangements weren't well managed tonight. But remind yourself: they're not his arrangements. Nowhere is this "make it your own" fallacy so apparently fallacious as with David Archuleta's "choices."

SYESHA MERCADO: She sings "Thank the Lord for the Nighttime." Still in bare feet. Reminds me of her Andrew Lloyd Webber performance. The judges approve, but Simon predicts that she's in trouble tonight.

Here's the truth: The only performers who are actually comfortable on stage are Syesha and Jason. To some extent, David Cook seems comfortable and confident, but I think he's just doing a good job masking his worry that he will be exposed as a fraud. David Archuleta and Brooke White are white quivering ganglions of fear in the spotlight. Therefore they should go home. I'm tired of watching them tremble and quake.

Best Performance: Syesha with "Hello Again."
Worst Performance: Brooke with "I'm a Believer."
Going home: Brooke.

This show could very well come down to the two Davids. If it does, my boredom may reach out of the grey miasma that surrounds me and strangle me in its cool depths. But I will try to persevere.

Labels: american idol, neil diamond, recap, summary, television, top five

Has it really been a week? Have I really neglected in the interim to blog about literature and art? Is it true that the top search terms in the history of this blog are "Danny Noriega Gay" and "Robbie Carrico Wig" and "Jason Castro Looks Like John Travolta"? I am so killing myself. Right after I find out what Phantom of the Opera song Carly decides to sing! Squee! This! Is! American Idol!

Ryan announces that the finale will be powered by green power. Hamster wheels powering the spotlights, burning dung lighting up the monitors, smoked offal in the judges' Coke glasses. Go green! The band is now positioned down on the stage. I guess I should prepare myself for some very special moments.

Andrew Lloyd Webber is a little man with a giant head and the sleeves of his suits reveal a little too much of his plump wrists, but I love him. My husband says, "Never trust a person who uses all three of their names." I ask why. He replies, "Because ten times out of ten, they've killed somebody." I say that he wrote "Evita" and therefore he can do no wrong. He says "Don't cry for me, Ryan Seacrest."

Randy and Simon speculate that this will be the toughest week ever. Paula says did we see Cloverfield? Because that monster was like ripping things apart totally.

SYESHA MERCADO: In the Phantom Theater in Las Vegas, surrounded by mannikins in box seats, Syesha asks Sir Webber, "Can I be like animated and stuff?" Andy Dub says "Well, let me see the unanimated version." Syesha rolls her eyes and puffs out her lips and delivers "unanimated." Then he asks her to be "animated" and she acts like Shirley Temple. He recommends the latter. She appears in a tight red dress, standing on the grand piano, and puts on a big show. She looks cute and confident. The judges all agree that she did great. Something about the way her electrons wink in and out of existence when I look directy at her make it difficult for me to pay attention when she performs. But quantum theory notwithstanding, I believe that tonight she exhibited something resembling a personality.

JASON CASTRO: Jason interviews with his signature poise and eloquence that he was "kind of like uuuhhh" about singing music from Cats. He trys singing "Memories" for ALW and ALW describes it as a bit of a jolt, pointing out that in the musical it is sung by an aging glamourpuss. Never had he thought of it being sung by a guy in dreadlocks. Yeah. Jason admits he didn't know it was being sung "by a cat." He sings it in a beige linen suit with the star machine on, overwrought and breathy, the lower notes disappearing into the gauzy depths of his weedy and pale adam's apple. Randy calls it a train wreck. Paula rhapsodized about how he expressed himself. Simon compared it to a young guy being forced to sing his parents' song at a wedding.

BROOKE WHITE: Brooke is going to sing "You Must Love Me." Andrew Lloyd Webber observed in coaching that she had no idea what she was singing about. After some instruction and some background info on what the song is actually about, Brooke manages to simulate a sad facial expression, earning high praise from the master. She starts out the song, barfs up a word, asks to start over, then sings it real nice with hand gestures and everything. YES YOU HEARD ME: SHE STOPPED AND STARTED OVER. She sang four or five words and then stopped, asked the band to start over, and then sang it again. Randy said it was alright, he bought the emotion. The camera turns to Paula and the crowd grows eerily silent. Paula, in the middle of a terrible hush, pauses, and then says in a very calm voice "You must never start and stop and start again." As if she's saying, "You have six months to live." Simon says that in her position, having forgotten the lyric, he would have done the same thing. Everyone knows that Brooke is over though.

The way Jason and Brooke have talked about their songs, the way they delivered them, the way they interviewed about them and how little they knew about them when they first presented them to Andrew Lloyd Webber -- it's clear they were assigned these songs. They did not know what they were choosing, if any choosing was involved. The myth of song choice is busted.

DAVID ARCHULETA: David gets awkwardly hugged by a gaggle of Ugly Betty look-alikes on the stools. Apparently they are all his sisters? Andrew Lloyd Webber gives him props for reimagining "Think of Me" as a pop song instead of a diva song. He then advises David to open his eyes while he sings. "The eyes have it! That's why they say that!" he says. I am too kind and I admire the man too much to tell him it's actually ayes that have it and it's more about voting than emoting. But he knew that, right? He was just playing, right? David A's version of "Think of Me" is cute and peppy, but too heavy on the strings and a little boy-bandy when it could have kicked in a bit more on the second verse they're allowing the kids to do now that they have time to kill. Randy says it was the bomb. Paula says it was absolutely perfect. She says, she actually says, that he took a risk -- by turning it into a pop ballad. What risk? It was like turning honey into maple syrup. Not particularly dangerous. Simon calls it forgettable. David A looks like he might cry. Poor David! Subjected to criticism! Not nice!

CARLY SMITHSON: She was going to sing "That's All I Ask of You" but Andrew Lloyd Webber convinced her to do "Superstar" instead. That's right, the titular song from "Jesus Christ Superstar" -- a song/musical considered dangerously blasphemous by a significant percentage of the voting public. This is the opposite of Kristy Lee Cook doing "God Bless the USA." This is song-choice suicide. I'm expecting Carly's tattooed husband to bite the head of a cocker spaniel when they show him in the audience. She is wearing a sequinned jersey dress with funky fleur de lis down the front. During the judging, Carly seems to be holding a t-shirt that says "Simon Loves Me (this week)" and Ryan makes air quotes while reading the parentheses. Husband says, "Where did the shirt come from? Did she have it balled up and stuck in her butt?" Hmm--- maybe!

DAVID LEE COOK: Well isn't that fantastic. He grew up doing musical theater. Something tells me we're not going to get a Whitesnake rendition of "Don't Cry For Me Argentina." Andrew Lloyd Webber calls "Music of the Night" the sexiest song he's ever written, and during the mentoring, he demands that David picture him as a gorgeous girl, which he says he "regrettably" is not. Wow. Interesting dynamic. Cook is going to play this superstraight (oh yes, SUPERstraight) and sing it just like it is in the musical -- no cute rhythmic change-ups, no guitar, just eye-farking the camera and emoting like billy-o. Randy calls it a molten hot lava bomb. Paula calls him well rounded and tells him he has a beautiful instrument. Simon says "You made the most of the song you were given." So, they were given songs.

Best Performance: Syesha Mercado or David Cook.
Worst Performance: Brooke.
Going Home: Brooke. Bye, my sweet crazy girl.

Labels: american idol, andrew lloyd webber, recap, summary, television, top six

It's inspiration week. Tonight, the pink sweaty hopefuls squeeze out the tunes that have inspired them to press their moist little faces against the shop window that is pop music stardom. Tomorrow, they answer phones during American Idol's telethon slash launch party for Daughtry's latest single. Last year, Carrie Underwood hit it big with "I'll Stand By You" and this year I'm expecting Daughtry to funk up "It's a Wonderful World" while caressing orphans in Afghanistan. Maybe they'll let Favid Fartchuleta reprise his wet rendition of "Imagine." Maybe they'll let Fantastia come on and blow up "The Mariner's Hymn." I can't wait to watch Top Model instead. Then on Thursday, we will be inspired by the departure of one more clutching grub as it is hurled away in a graceless arc, flicked off the overturned rotten stump of fame that is... American Idol.

MICHAEL JOHNS: The message of Aerosmith's "Dream On" is that you should dream on until your dreams come true. This is the official interpretation according to Michael Johns, who has showed up in another supergay silk scarf, as if to personally wound me. He sings a little behind the music all the way through, chasing the beat a bit. He also exhorts us to sing for the "laughter" and sing for the "teas." Bit breathy. Bit weak. But then he surprises me with his "false" and manages to take the song up about eight octaves -- risky but effective. The crowd likes him.



Randy disapproved of the song choice. Michael argues that he chose he song because he is here in America living out his dream. Randy reminds him that this is a show about singing, not dreams. Apparently Randy missed the mallet to the head that we all experienced at the top of the show. It's about dreams and poor people, Randy! GIVE BACK! Paula loved it. Simon said it was wannabe-ish. Michael reiterates that it's about dreams coming true.

SYESHA MERCADO: Is she still here? I missed the interview part, getting a diet Coke. I'm starting to associate beverage refills with Syesha. Syesha sings "I Believe" which was, I believe, Fantasia's winning song. She, like Michael Johns, slips up into the atmosphere at the very end and hits an impressive high note. Randy says it wasn't as good as Fantasia -- no emotional connection. Paula says Syesha is a bright shining star. Simon agrees it lacked emotion. He doesn't want her to do Whitney and Fantasia; he wants to know who *she* is. Syesha leaves my sight and I immediately forget her for another week.



JASON CASTRO: Jason sings the Hawaiian ukelele version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" and he ALSO provides a little sicky-sicky falsetto styling. Randy loved it: it was blazing molten hot. Paula says he has the most definitive sound on the guitar. Wow, just how definitive is it? And what does it define? Can something be definitive without defining anything? Is she really saying that Jason's sound when he plays the ukelele in that unimaginative way defines... guitar playing? Simon loved it: fantastic.



HOW does this guy not get busted on doing this lackluster rendition of a lackluster rendition? Maybe this song is just magical. A couple of years ago Katherine McPhee did a sprawled-on-the-stage version in the spotlight wearing gauze and brought the house down too.

So, tonight is about the falsetto. Can't wait to see what our next man, Kristy Lee Cook, will do with this opportunity.

KRISTY LEE COOK: She's singing Martina McBride's "Anyway." Cat-sucked hair, glitter eye-shadow, and a flesh-colored tank top covered in rhinestones. The second verse is something like "You can sing a crappy song that no one wants to hear and tomorrow they'll forget you exist if they're lucky, but SING IT ANYWAY!!!!" and I feel bad for KLC if she goes out this week because that song would be hard to bring out as an exit song. Randy liked it. Paula thought Kristy outdid herself. Simon thought she was very good indeed. Err!! Indeed!!! And he adds that she looks like a star.



The last two performances were so neutral that you could have said anything about them, really. The judges chose to fawn and gasp and throw rose petals. To me this means that they are done with Carly Smithson. That's my take. I am betting, at this point in the show, that they tear her throat out tonight and show her making out with her tattooed husband during the break. And in the interview she will reveal that she eats live puppies for breakfast, and then burp and say "But you promised you wouldn't show that, right?"

DAVID COOK: He's singing "Isn't" by his favorite band, Our Lady Peace. He's wearing a white military jacket that's like if the eighties and the revolutionary war got married and that was the top half of their wedding dress. The song doesn't work. David Cook does come down off the stage and stand contemptuously in front of the judges -- the contestants haven't been doing that this season. Wow... he sucks. At the end of the songs he extends his hand to the camera and it says "give back" in black magic marker. What a TOOL. Randy wasn't sure. Paula thinks he's the whole package, the whole package. Simon thought it was pompous. I am revolted.



CARLY SMITHSON: She's going to sing "Show Must Go On" by Queen. To her it means that when you're given $2 million to make an album and it sells 300 copies, you should just put on a striped tank top and a gold belt and start shouting.



She looks old, tough, and kinda beefy. The song did not work. Very bad, and she looks like a bartender. Randy didn't like it, said she took the tiger by the tail and lost. Paula didn't feel the connection, didn't feel engaged with her. Simon thought the song choice unusual: she oversang it, and lost control. It came through as an angry performance. I agree, and I predict an influx of amusing screen caps on votefortheworst.com. They love her so much over there. Simon speculates that she may be in trouble this week. SEE? I was right. They want her off.

DAVID ARCHULETA: He's tells us he's going to sing "Angels" because he felt it so strongly. On the first line, he points out there are a "dozen nangels" and I realize that's probably going to be my favorite part of the song. Like when the best part of "wakin nup" is Folger's in your cup. I don't know this song, but I can tell you this: Archuleta is playing a very very VERY simple piano part and he keeps having to look down at it to get it right. Why is he sitting at a grand piano so he can stress over playing I IV I V I chords on the downbeat? Whatever.



Randy practically goes apoplectic over it -- CRAZY HOT, CRAZY HOT, etc. Paula loved it, his best moment ever, the light of heaven radiating from his face. Simon says it was the best song choice ever, the best pop song ever, he will sail through to the next round.

A girl in the audience holds up a sign that says, "Lick those lips!!!"

Next, our troubled, complicated, darling Brooke will take on the rest of these farkers and try and show them how it goes. I wish she would do it with a meat axe, but I think she's going to try and do it with Carole King.

BROOKE WHITE: She sang "You've Got a Friend" in a talent show once with two friends, so she's going to sing it tonight. She says she was inspired by the whole "Tapestry" album from Carole King, that sounds so ominously false. I feel better as soon as Brooke starts -- and she delivers the song. The arrangement, the back-up singers and the violins are all a little oppressively Lite-FM, but Brooke keeps it sweet, simple, and sincere. I even like her sofa-colored dress.



Randy wasn't mad. Paula thought it was the perfect end to the show and tells Brooke that she is DEFINITIVE. Clearly, Paula is trying to redefine "definitive." That's almost postmodern. Simon calls it pleasant.

Best Performance: I didn't like any of them too much but I guess Syesha and Brooke were the best tonight.
Worst Performance: David Cook, that insufferable tool.
Going Home: Carly Smithson, discarded by the producers.

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, television, top eight

No one has been anticipating the Dolly Parton night more than I have. No, not even you.

Looky at Ryan! Ryan is trying to play an April Fool's joke on us! Oh toodledy doodle! He tells us tonight's episode would be pre-empted (TEE HEE) by a special celebrity edition of "Moment of Truth" (WAKKA WAKKA) starring our very own Simon Cowell (SPROINGK!!!) but then he gives us our first fist-pump off the night and says APRIL FOOLS THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL! Whatever. He's wearing pewter again.

Dolly Parton has written over 3000 songs. She says she thinks of her songs as her children. Dolly looks like the mom from Brazil. The idea of her having 3000 inhuman children is almost logical.

BROOKE WHITE: Her session with Dolly was kind of uncomfortable, but Dolly likes her honesty. She sings "Jolene," which is a song I've never heard before but I kind of like. A man is sitting next to her on a box, and playing the box as percussion. During the song, I pretend there is a little extra man inside the box, being punished for making fun of Dolly's plastic surgery. There is also a violin, and Brooke plays the guitar. Randy said it was alright. Paula told her she had an emotional connection with the song, and added definitively "You are Brooke White." Simon contradicted Paula, saying it lacked emotion, that the group of musicians looked odd together, and that she just sort of busked her way through it. She does look a little casual, in her cornflower blue t-shirt and those damn military button pants again. I'm hoping against hope she'll vote-pimp for the camera by holding up one shrivelled, wrinkled, craggy finger for us: Vote #1 for Brooke! But she just clutches her guitar. You know, she is really very poised up there. I'll give her that. And some coconut oil.



DAVID COOK: David Cook appears on the stools to 'fess up to finding the much-loved arrangements to Day Tripper, Eleanor Rigby, and Billy Jean online. It's not any kind of "I'm sorry" thing, it's just Ryan interviews him into a comfortable place to clarify things. Then he clarifies that tonight's version of "Little Sparrow" is his own. Too bad. Tonight his hair is 80% better, he's wearing a white collared shirt and jeans and strumming an acoustic guitar with no letters on it. He almost looks like a grown-up.



Unfortunately either the song is just monotonous or he can't light up an arrangement without YouTube research. Randy loved it. He says he loved David "going into your false." Paula echoed this sentiment. I like false as a noun. I want a false! Don't you? Let's all go out and have falses. It'll be so thematic for tonight's songwriter. AHEM. Simon congratulated him on making a song about sparrows sound good. Ooo! Another towel-snap to Dolly Parton!

RAMIELE MALUBAY: Ramiele admits to being starstruck by Dolly Parton. Each of Dolly's upper lips flutters gently over cute little Ramiele and her spunky song that she picked. It's one of those perky little numbers that engenders a lot of head-bobbing in a singer, a lot of eyebrow waggling, and I can't remember any of the words or what the song was about. Randy gives it a 6.5 out of ten. Paula announces that Ramiele had a great minute and thirty seconds. Simon predicts that in ten years time we will not remember it. He likens it to a cruise ship performance. Ryan leaps up on stage and Ramiele uses her really ironic upspeak? To tell us? That she was like freaking out? In front of Dolly? Ryan is unamused and shakes Ramiele around by the neck.



JASON CASTRO: Dolly picks up the dreads like they're little animals and says, cryptically "I would dread to do those locks." Yeah. Jason sings "Travelin' Through" in a perfectly respectable way. He actually has a couple of facial expressions that indicate some kind of feeling or some kind of believable performance. Randy liked it. He liked the vibe. Paula thought he sounded great. Simon didn't like the song, thought it sounded just like the last song, just didn't get it.



So, Dolly has given them exactly zero advice, none of the songs have made any significant impact, and her bone structure is terrifying. Couldn't we have had one more Beatles week?

CARLY SMITHSON: Carly stumps out onstage in brown leggings and knee boots. Unfortunate. She starts the song with the guitar player next to her onstage, signalling that this will be one of those "very special performances" but then the band comes in with a Lite FM type accompaniment.



Boring and fat. I mean flat. Her hair tonight reminds me of that awful video she made when she was 16 where she writhed around in a wind machine promising oral sex to all comers. Again they show her tattooed husband. Hey, it worked last week -- she got in the bottom three. Randy and Paula loved it, Simon did not, and Simon points out that she needs to "have a word" with whoever is dressing her. She doesn't look like a star. I agree. She looks like she's wearing those "alternative" jodphurs that some people wear to make a statement when they really should just wear the tan ones like everyone else and let the horse make the statement. If you know what I'm talking about, yo. Leave the steel blue jodphurs. Leave the brown ones. Go with tan. Sing like you mean it.

Ryan comes back from the break in the mosh pit. There are more "returning student" types in the mosh pit than I imagined.

DAVID ARCHULETA: His moist lips and piercing stares make Dolly Parton cry. She references his "little emotion." He sings some kind of country-roads-take-me-home bull droppings about the old folks at home (literally) and leaning on his Jesus (really) and the Smoky Mountains. Nauseating beyond the scope of my tolerance. Randy loved it. Paula applauds his tone and beautiful aura, says he is "glorious." Simon says the song choice was on the money. David does his habitual sighing and squinting, and the fangirls in the front row explode.



KRISTY LEE COOK: Dolly thinks Kristy's Momma will be proud of her. Kristy reveals she would rather impress Dolly Parton than her own mother. Endearing like a bear trap, darlin'. She's wearing turquoise and silver and a glitter eye shadow tonight, singing "Coat of Many Colors" in bare feet.



On the last "coat of many colors that my momma made for me" she wobbles her head all over the place. Yeah, signature head-wobble! Husband says "She really made it for the dog." Yar! Randy and Paula gush and throw roses. Simon calls it pleasant but forgettable.

SYESHA MERCADO: Dolly says she's pretty and has a real pretty voice. Thank you, Dolly. You and Gordon Ramsey, baby. Hard as nails. Syesha sings "I Will Always Love You" in a sunshine yellow dress with a red belt, sitting primly on a grand piano. Heeeeedious to look at, but I think she sang the song very well, actually. It would have been better if a strange brown cat hadn't crawled out of the bushes and sat on her head during the whole performance.



Distracting, that strange brown cat. Randy and Paula garble ambivalence and Simon predictably says that she didn't sing it as well as Whitney Houston might have. Husband points out that everyone who ever does this song gets obliterated in critiques for not being Whitney Houston. I bet David Cook could do it and not get the comparison. If, of course, Alice in Chains had a version on YouTube that he could adapt. But this is about Syesha! And... Syesha is kind of boring.

MICHAEL JOHNS: In the tape, it is revealed that Dolly likes Michael and Michael likes Dolly. It's cute! They dig each other. Michael always seems to pull out something genuine and endearing in the tape, right before he marches out onstage and lays a big squashy turd. Predictably enough, he sings "It's all Wrong But It's All Right" in a really bluesy way with his shirt open, while wearing a silk... purple... NECK SCARF.



Like he is the freakin' "The Continental." GAHHHHH. Too gross. TOO GROSS! I call too gross!!!! Randy loved it, Paula says he looks gorgeous, Simon thinks it's the best he's heard him sing ever. Bleeaarggh.

Best Performance of the Night: In my opinion, Jason Castro or Brooke White. Those are the only one I'd want to hear again.
Most Relentlessly Pimped But Undeserving Horrorshow of the Night: David Archuleta
Worst Performance of the Night: Ramiele Malubay
Going Home: Carly Smithson

Labels: american idol, dolly parton, recap, summary, top nine

It’s Tuesday night and I am very satisfied with the choices I’ve made in my life. Are you? I choose not to use “body mousse.” I do not want my skin to drink anything. My skin is lucky if it gets to gnaw on a chicken bone. Tonight’s theme: A song from the year they were born. Bring on the baby pictures.

RAMIELE MALUBAY: Ramiele was *really* cute as a little baby. Her mother interviews that she used to be a mad biter. Awesome. Tonight she’s singing “Alone” by Heart. Production brings out the murder red lights, and the mosh pit begins their weary, aerobic arm-waving. Am I the only one who doesn’t give a sailor’s pants what song, what note, what fist-pump tonight? I mean good grief. Do I really miss Amanda Overmyer? Ramiele shouts and squinches up her eyes and hears the ticking of the clock, and is wearing pleated shorts and her bra strap is showing. Randy reveals Ramiele is sick, and then slams her for choosing too big of a song. He calls it a mess. Paula looks like she’s been hit in the face with a dirty pan tonight. She says she gives Ramiele a huge amount of “credit and brave” because she knows Ramiele is really sick. Simon predicts she will get through in spite of everything. Ryan asks her if she had the flu, and she says, cryptically, that “It just went bye-bye.” Come on Ramiele, they’re trying to get you the sympathy votes. Can you not cough and cry a little?

JASON CASTRO: Jason Castro, your “lovable doofus” routine is starting to get old. Not just old but smelling of Pickler. He actually said in his interview that he’s been told he’s an Aries, and then said, “Did I say that right? I always feel like I’m pronouncing it wrong.” Ay-rees. Not tough, Jason. For true Picklerosity, try mispronouncing "faux." Then he says when he was little he looked pretty much like he looks now, except smaller. Wow. I haven’t seen a baby with two feet of dreadlocks and eyebrows like angry caterpillars in a good long time. He sings “Fragile” by Sting. I like this song, and I’d like his version of it too probably, even the pandering Spanish verse he puts in there, if I didn’t have to look at his head bobbing around and his Sesame Street facials. Randy calls it nice. Paula’s left eye has wandered over and become entangled in her earring. And she’s wearing fingerless gloves. Simon says this is Jason's second bad week. Jason needs to take it a little bit more seriously. He says it’s like someone busking at a Subway station. Too laid back, too much in his own world. He won’t win if he keeps doing that week after week. I disagree. I think his strategy is good. He’s beloved by teenaged girls and he’s under the radar.



SYESHA MERCADO: She was born when I was a sophomore in high school. Great. Her mom interviews that she was a whiner. Her interview makes me switch over to check that Gene Simmons is recording properly. She sings “If I Were Your Woman” wait, sorry, “If I Was Your Woman.” They don’t allow subjunctive mood on American idol. Her singing was so boring that I had to go and look up the link to subjunctive mood on Wikipedia just to distract myself. Randy and Paula froth and foam about how great she was, best ever performance, she is the new dark horse, this is the moment, right here, the clouds are opening, the sun is coming through, doo-doo-doo-doo, and when Simon says "There are limits on her vocals" he is met with boos and hostility. America was too busy getting a diet Coke during Syesha's song to take a position on this burning hot controversy.

CHIKEZIE: Chikezie's pin-striped grey suit looks like he bleached the floor in it and wasn't careful with his sleeves. He interviews that back then and right now, he is just trying to be as happy as he can be. Wow, look out. The inspiration is flowing through this stagnant marsh like a dying toad tonight. He sings "If Only For One Night" by Luther Van Dross. Yes! The loungey, groovy, elderly, sleazy Chikezie is back! Thank god -- I thought he might almost be cool with all that bluegrass hoo-hah. Randy says it's too old. Paula calls him a throwback. Simon thought it was cheesy.

BROOKE WHITE: She remembers playing a song on the piano that she'd heard on TV. She taught herself to play by ear. Tonight she's behind the piano again. After a fairy grotesque mis-step at the beginning of the song, she recovers and launches a nice girly version of "Every Step You Take." A bit melodramatic, a bit feely, but here's the real issue: Brook White's hands are the hands of an eighty-seven year old man. I don't know what she did with the old man whose hands she stole. And I do feel terribly bad about whatever happened to her that made her saw off her own hands. Props to the girl who can tickle the ivories with unmoisturized hand grafts from an octogenarian. Yes, I'm breaking this story here: Brooke White's hands are all that's left of Ronald Reagan. Plus, her outfit is all a little eighth-grade recital. Randy says it was just alright. Paula liked it better than last week. So, am I the only jerk who's hateful and cold enough to draw attention to this beautiful, smart, funny girl's strangely wrinkled hands? Stab a weak bitter pin into perhaps her one deformity? Only time and Technorati will tell.



MICHAEL JOHNS: Finally, someone born in the seventies. His parents interview that he was very competitive as a child. He demonstrates his "I'm too good for you" look that he used to use on his sister when beating her at cards. It was actually kind of genuine and fun. He sings "We Will Rock You" and "We Are the Champions" as a brutal, shouty, boot-stomping medley and brings the house down. There is a lot of screaming. Randy calls it his best performance yet. Paula says he's found his song. Simon calls it memorable and says he has star potential.

CARLY SMITHSON: Her mom reveals she's named for Carly Simon and that she used to have an afro. She sings "Total Eclipse of the Heart." The verse is weird -- the backup singers are kind of intruding on her. Then the chorus peaks a little soon, leaving her with nothing better to do except explode a capillary. Look, they've shown her much-tattooed husband. Must be her time to leave the show. Randy says he doesn't like the whole rock thing. Paula says she could take every song that Paula hates and make her love it. Paula has obviously decided to say only nice things. Simon calls her tense and uptight during the performance. Ryan: "Were you tense, Carly?" Carly: "I went to the bathroom right before I sang." Ryan: "Did you flush?" Uhhhh...

DAVID ARCHULETA: Apparently he has brought his girlfriend and hopeful prom date to the studio with him tonight. His family interviews that he is perfect in every way and that everyone loves him. In fact, his mom admits that he poops ice cream. He sings "We Are the World" or some other song that asks rhetorically how long we can look at each other down the barrel of a gun? Everyone in the studio offers him one of their kidneys or a lobe of their livers. Randy liked it. Apparently the song is by some Australian dude. Paula lovingly complains "Couldn't you choose an American composer?" Hey, you all just did The Beatles for two straight weeks. Your damn point? Simon says it's like at a theme park when you have all kinds of animals surging around you and I completely agree! It's like the music they play after the fireworks at Epcot.

And now a commercial for the world's most capable truck: Kristy Lee Cook.

KRISTY LEE COOK: She interviews that her brother and sister used to put their hands over their ears on car trips and beg their parents, "PLEASE MAKE HER STOP SINGING." Yes, we feel your pain, Cook siblings. Tonight Kristy has dragged out that excellent old vote-getter, "God Bless the USA." Wow, with the most predictable arrangement ever. She has that hair style where two little strands hang down, one on each side of her perfectly symmetrical face. Randy calls it very nice. Kristy calls it respectful. Simon says it was her best performance, and the most clever song choice he's seen in years. Kind of reminiscent of Carrie Underwood doing "Let Freedom Ring" fifty times.

DAVID COOK: He remembers having a very large skull as a baby. His baby pictures confirm this. He got his first guitar at age 2, and we see a scrapbook page of a young David in tube socks thrashing a guitar, with a caption that says "This is where it all started." Kind of cute. He sings a kind of Eddie Vedder zombie waltz version of Billy Jean. Totally great. Brilliant, genius, amazing. And you know how much I hate everything. Randy predicts he will win. He is the most original, and "blazing molten hot." Paula is blown away, she can't sit down, he is so smart, brave, and willing. Simon says it could have been insane or amazing, but it was amazing. We all love how this guy covers old songs! It makes us like old songs again! Go David Cook! No banker's vest tonight. But wait. When I rewound the TIVO (yes) to see it again (fer reals) I heard Ryan say, introducing the song, that it is Chris Cornell's version of Billy Jean. So, not so original. Still. Still. Chris Cornell notwithstanding.

Update: Okay, you tell me if he ripped off this arrangement and then stood there taking laud and honor for being so creative and daring.

Chris Cornell's version here:



David Cook's version here:



I think his performance was great, but the bottom line is that the 3/4 version was not his idea.

Best performance: David Cook
Worst performance: Carly Smithson
Going home: Syesha Mercado

Labels: american idol, finals, recap, summary, top ten

After a week of breathless anticipation: What songbook will the Idols be digging their pink sweaty hands into this week?! Ryan announces that tonight America’s number one show will celebrate America’s number one band. The Beatles! Yeah, the BEATLES! I love that band! But, wait, didn’t we just have Beatles night last week? No, that was something entirely different. That was Lennon/McCartney night. This is Beatles night. See the difference? Ryan is wearing pewter. Ricky and the band are ready to play. On what crazy mixed-up globe are the Beatles America's number one band?



Ryan gives us a refresher on how the show works, in case we have some "new friends" in the audience. What is this, the Polka Dot Door? If you get that reference, please join me for hip replacement on Friday. Then he introduces the judges.

Ryan: Randy, this the first time we've expanded on a theme for two weeks. Do you think that's a good idea?
Randy: Uh, yeah.
America: NO. WORST DECISION EVER. CURSE YOU.

Interviews tonight will be about the finalists' most memorable moment so far.

AMANDA OVERMYER: She interviews that her most memorable moment is being able to connect with the audience, then delivers a monotonous and shrieky version of "Back in the U.S.S.R." The most embarrassing element of the performace is her insistence on these unironic interpretive gestures and facials. Like, really, no really honey, disconnect the *phone.* Randy: Perfect song but "pitchy." 7 out of 10. Paula: A little ahead of the beat, but she's "quintessential, authentic, who you are." How about a ballad one of these weeks? Simon: It's the same thing week after week. She's got to depart from the formula or she is in danger of being boring. Amanda: WHOA Ryan, WHOA. I've got a minute and a half to show people my armpits. And I want to really show my armpits and also I want to pantomime regurgitating into the microphone. I want people to say, Hey, I wanna go see that girl with the strangely muscular armpits who urps up da phantom bird yak on stage! And I want them to see that! That's not what's going to be happening if I have to sing some stupid ballad or sumpin'! WOOOOOO!



KRISTY LEE COOK: On the stools, Randy pulls out her little photo album and shows America Kristy's dog and horse. I guess Ryan wants to keep this bland bit of gristle on the show another week. She interviews that her most memorable moment is nearly being voted off a bunch of times. Yes, yes, pathos thy initials are KLC. Then she reveals that she picked "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away" based on the title alone, and she heard it for the first time this week. Wow, Kristy, I didn't think I could loathe you any more than I already did, but you just keep surprising me, girl, with your proletarian jaw and your rural smile. The arrangement is very *-=magic show=-* with big reveals and effects and dramatic pauses. She sings it as if she's reading the phone book. The only sign of life from Kristy her signature disturbing head wobble she's devised to build tension. The audience worries if her head is firmly attached. Simon calls it musical wallpaper. Kristy to Simon: I can blow you out of your socks and you know it! Wow, such trash talk from someone wearing a Hefty bag (a Hefty bag that someone in wardrobe has attacked with a bedazzler.)



DAVID ARCHULETA: His most memorable moment was when he forgot his lyrics last week. He says his first thought was "dang it" and describes the experience as "messing up really bad." He sees this second week of Beatles as a chance for redemption (except he would probably articulate that as "making stuff better from when it was bad last time like"). With many fierce stares and much lip-moistening, he sings a Josh Groban-esque "The Long and Winding Road." His suit coat is brown, and it has strangely aggressive topstitching. He cannot carry the coat, and he cannot carry the song.



Look, these kids just cannot, cannot, cannot sing Beatles songs. They cannot stand up to interpreting these lyrics. Diana Ross, Stevie Wonder, Gloria Estefan, yes. Beatles no. It's like an elf made out of cork trying to get down to the bottom of a deep well. Randy: David Archuleta brings the hot back tonight! Paula: Coming back from adversity doesn't build your character, it reveals your character. Simon: David is amazing! A master class in being memorable and selling the song. David squintingly weeps as he says that slower songs let him get really sensitive. Geeeeeehhhhhhh.

Tomorrow, Kelly Pickler is going to perform.

MICHAEL JOHNS: He remembers singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" during Hollywood week. He loves doing the Beatles because they're the best band that ever has been or ever will be. Okay but CRAP. He is doing "A Day in the Life." He admits it will be hard to take this five minute song and abridge it for Idol. Uh, yes. And how about taking the soul of John Lennon and abridging it into your bucket-shaped Austradalian head? How is that going to work out? You know, I thought I might be spared after surviving last week without this song being covered, but I have lived too darkof a life to be spared this misery. The next 90 seconds I can't really talk about. I tried to chew through my wrists, but my husband convinced me to live on, for the children, for the future.



Randy: Not your best performance. Paula: I know that contestants are wearing ear monitors tonight and that's hard to get used to. It must have been the monitor in your ear. Simon: A mess. Randy comes up on stage and asks Paula to clarify the ear monitor thing, because it doesn't look like Michael is wearing one. Woops, he's not. He just stood there nodding sagely while Paula blamed his crap performance on technology he wasn't even using. Well, says Paula, now you have no excuse. You just suck and you have to bring your game up. BUT WAIT. Michael wants to dedicate his performance to his DEAD FRIEND. That was his FAVORITE SONG. And he is DEAD. Don't you feel bad now Paula? No? Well fuggit let's just go sell some Dove moisturizer.

BROOKE WHITE: She was overwhelmed by the possibility of doing another Beatles song, because "Let It Be" went so well. It was a moment bigger than she was, she rhapsodizes. Tonight she is singing "Here Comes The Sun" -- wasn't this what I predicted she would sing last week? Oh wait, no I said "Good Day Sunshine." Well, that would have been the better choice. All the "Doo-doo-doo-doos" in this rendition are a little oppressive. She starts out sitting on the stairs, and she's wearing a layered floaty yellow dress made out of magic.



On the second verse, she spins and trots across the stage, gasping "woo!" and then continues to dance in an incredibly weird, twitchy, awkward way in front of the microphone. Awful. Behind the beat. Off the pitch. Randy: You were never really connected to the song. Paula: You can't help but smile, looking at you, Brooke. Simon: The performance was terrible, from the horrible dancing to the lack of conviction. It was wet and forgettable. Brooke repeats, "It's okay. It's okay, guys. It's really okay." She pulls sad faces for the camera, and I'm a little worried for her. Ordinarily I would say it wouldn't hurt her so much, but that was a very weird kind of mess. Possibly she cannot recover.

DAVID COOK: David Cook is once again sporting that orange wristband, now around his fingers. Looks like we will be seeing a certain little girl in the audience some night soon. Idol will not be able to pass up that storyline. David's memorable moment was last too boring for me to remember it. This week, he does "Day Tripper" but the Whitesnake version of it. It's very deadeyed and competent and entertaining. I really LIKE it.



He has an extra microphone with some sort of plastic wrap on it, into which he sings with strange effects. It's a voice box? Randy: It's another week at the David Cook rock show! Paula: Great. You're ready to do a Geico commercial! Simon: This wasn't as good as you thought it was. All a bit smug and the voice box was stupid. Ryan really wants to try the voice box, but he's too chicken. I notice at the last minute that David has reverted to the regrettable ironic banker vest. Shame.

CARLY SMITHSON: Her most memorable moment was when Simon compared her to Kelly Clarkson. She is wearing a bright red maternity top with big sparkly rosettes all around the scoop neckline. She looks like thebig fat mad-eyed sister at the pretty smart sister's engagement party.



She sings Blackbird in about the way you'd think that forty year old woman in the lounge on a cruise ship would sing it. Kind of rushed and throaty and with big eye-movements. Then she changes up the key and belts it, squeezing about four separate glory notes out of the last "dark black night." Randy loved it. Paula loved it. Simon calls it indulgent and wonders in a desultory way why she's singing a song about a blackbird. Why indeed? Funny you should ask, Simon! This allows Carly to give a speech about how all of the Idols have been trying and trying to break into the music business, and at times feel broken, but now they are free, and can sing, and that's why she chose the song. Simon basically says, "Wow, now I see! I'm sorry! You are right! And you are free, blackbird, to sing!" I mean, the stink of set-up was so intense it might have been David Archuleta's eye-flutter.



JASON CASTRO: He most remembers singing Hallelujah and arfing up the last note. He giggles about learning "Michelle" and how it was like French and stuff. Tee freakin' hee! On stage, he has arranged his dreadlocks in two symmetrical rolls that look like a kindergarten teacher who has given up on life. Combine this with tight sky-blue stretch jeans, a girly shirt with contrasting collar and cuffs, and... is that a rope belt? Jason is the opposite of sexy tonight. He mugs and winks his way through the song. At times you can almost hear what it might have been like if he'd tried to do it in a kind of serious, opera-y way. It might have been a little cool. But... no. He plays for laughs. Randy: He is disconnected from the song. Paula: It sounded like a polka at times. Simon: Your charm and face sold that song. It wouldn't have worked on radio.



Okay, you know what? Fine. I no longer like the Beatles. A 20 year fascination has now dissolved into mild nausea. I hope it was worth it for these bloody recaps. *snarl*

SYESHA MERCADO: Syesha has straightened her hair. She actually looks really good and I like her dress and for once the dangly plate earrings are working. Her most memorable moment was being in the bottom three, because it gave her "that kick in the butt" that she needed. She chose "Yesterday" because it really touched her, and now she wants to "touch everybody." At least she doesn't want to blow the socks off everybody like Kristy. You know? She sings sitting down at the edge of the stage, with only a few spots on her, and a single acoustic guitar player beside her. In spite of the gender switching, and the gurgling around and switching up the melody, I actually think Syesha did a great job with this song.



I still hate her and still hate American Idol, but relative to the rest of the rotten vegetables that have been slung around tonight, it was pretty good. Randy: You took some liberties. Paula: The vulnerability is working for you. Simon: Your best performance yet. That's the song Brooke should have sung. Wouch. That was bittersweet, I'm sure.

CHIKEZIE: He most remembers the first round of Hollywood because he ran around on stage after getting compliments from the judges. Yeah, I always remember the times when I am in a professional setting and yet choose to act like a hyperactive toddler too. He admits he has never played harmonica before this week and asks us to not be too harsh on him as he tries to play it tonight. Don't tell me what to do, Chikezie. You just play your harp, and we'll throw what we need to throw. He sings "I've Just Seen a Face" as a slow, serious country ballad for two verses, then picks up the tempo and slurps around on a harmonica. Verse four: He pulls a really weird like "Mayor of Stinkerton" voice. Steel guitar. One more toot on the harmonica. Ridiculous and vile. Randy: It was strange. Paula: You're showing who you are and the depth and scope of your vocals. Simon: Harmonica was atrocious and the song was gimmicky.

RAMIELE MALUBAY: Time to hear from Danny Noriega's favorite little Webkinz. But seriously, Ramiele. WHO is dressing you? WHAT is this that you're calling a personal style? A yellow leotard, a studded corset, black pants, silver heels, and a white straw panama hat. It defies belief. She sang some "I Shoulda Known Better" and there was a harmonica, but she wasn't playing it, so that's a plus. Randy called it a happy-go-lucky joint. Paula advises her to stick to ballads. Simon calls it mediocre. She will be voted off soon. Not tomorrow, but soon.



Best Performances: David Cook and Syesha Mercado
Most Beloved and Pimped by Judges: David Archuleta and Carly Smithson
Worst Performances: Michael Johns and Kristy Lee Cook
Most Scorned and Reviled by Judges: Brooke Smith and Jason Castro

Lest you forget: Tomorrow night Kelly Pickler is singing. So, set your TIVO because you won't want to miss the incredible satisfaction of fast forwarding through that. Night!

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, television

Ryan: The girls are in the house. The pressure is intense. The rewards are incredible. My scrotum is intact. My fans are insane. My parents are inconsolable. This is --- AMERICAN IDOL.

Randy wearing a v-neck sweater that looks like its last owner died from a slit throat. He suggests the girls bring it hard tonight. Paula has her hair up out of her face for a change, and apologizes for causing the pom-pon hairdo.

ASIA’H EPPERSON: She is embarrassed by the fact that she was an extra on a roller skating movie, and fell into a big light. Like she totally crashed into it! But then laughed! And like everyone on set was laughing! Making her like laugh more! OMG! She is wearing lavender jodhpurs and a taffeta fuschia corset tank with silver snaps up the front. Awful in the epic sense. This is no retreat, full commitment, life-changing, soul-swallowing awful. Example: The crotch of her jodhpurs sits very weird. The fly doesn’t start until halfway to her bellybutton. Leaving her with extra groin, which no one ever needs. She sings “I Want to Dance with Somebody” like a shouting aerobics instructor trying to get three more, and two more, and one more squat out of a couple of bored socialites. Paula is up out of her seat dancing. Randy thought it was hot. Paula thought she nailed it, even though it was oh-my-god a big song. Simon calls it second rate Whitney Houston. Asia’h shows all her teeth and says that's okay with her.



KADY MALLOY: Coyly delivered embarrassing moment: She auditioned for her high school talent show. She sang “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera, and her music teacher hated it! On the way off stage she tripped over a microphone, knocked a speaker down, and caused mad feedback. Wow, it was so embarrassing with all that tripping and feedback and everything! Translation: SUCK IT, YA NINTH GRADE MUSIC TEACHER! CUZ I’M ON AMERICAN IDOL WITH MY SKILLZ NOW SO SUCK IT! Kady sings “Who Wants to Live Forever” by Queen and you know, I’ve said things about people who sing Queen on this show, but… she kinda killed it, folks. This girl has a really great voice. Maybe the secret to doing Queen is to go understated. If only she didn’t have a face that looks like an elephant just got up off it. Randy liked it. Paula called it her best performance yet. Simon calls her robotic, gloomy, somber. He predicts she’s out. Ryan says, “If you want to vote for Kady and her lack of personality…” Yes, for real, he says that.



AMANDA OVERMEYER: She appears for her video interview in a bit white bandana, and my suspicion that under all the hair and makeup is the face of a giant baby is CONFIRMED. Yes, I’m breaking this now: AMANDA OVERMEYER has the face of a giant baby. Believe it. Her embarrassing moment is something about fire. I was too distracted by her pudgy cute cheeks and her pouty poochy lips. Lips that just beg for tiny spoonfuls of applesauce, or peas, either one, they don’t care. She sings “I Hate Myself For Loving You” by Joan (Yuh!) Jett (Huh!). Looking a thousand times better than last week, in a sparkly black top and a long shiny scarf, she shows she is back on the horse, kids. She rips it out. Randy says it was well done. Paula says she’s beautiful and she found the right song. Simon says it was fantastic! Let’s hear it for the girl in the faded denim diaper!

Let’s buy new linens from J.C. Penney and then sleep under a tree in the woods! In our new linens! Or better yet… let’s make our CHILDREN sleep out there in the woods on our fresh new stripey linens from J.C. Penney!

CARLY SMITHSON: Her embarrassing moment was getting her leg stuck in a railing. Sounds like she was drunk. She appears onstage in military pants with two sets of big brass buttons, one down each side of her hips. She sings “I Drove All Night” like she’s sawing apart a log, but in a good way. Fierce, murderous, rapier-like eyes, fist-pumping high notes, foot-stomping intensity. She also looks very pretty with curls in her hair, a fitted top, and some kind of knotty gold necklace. Military jeans notwithstanding, Carly is fantastic. Absolutely killer, the best she has ever done, she completely nailed it. Randy calls it another great performance.



KRISTY LEE COOK: When she was seven, she drank out of a dog bowl. That is embarrassing. Can’t she just reveal that she fell down the stairs when she was winning Miss America, or got a knot in her shoelaces when she was feeding the hungry in Africa, or noticed her top button was unbuttoned while opening for Britney Spears or any of the other fake suckassy embarrassing moments we’ve heard this week? She sings a Journey song (speaking of suckassiness) in a lame, milky way. On the high notes, the color of her tongue betrays the fact that she’s been sucking on a cherry cough drop. Or drinking blood to restore her evil powers. Whichever. The judges are ambivalent – Simon says at best she’ll come in tenth, and she says that’ll be fine with her. Great. Way to shoot for the yard, there, superstar.



Hey, BEE MOVIE is coming out on DVD! Apparently you can get a coupon for $3 off in this week’s People Magazine. In this week’s Entertainment Weekly you can get the actual movie between pages 37 and 38. And in this week’s Time, you will find a $20 bill, compliments of Jerry Seinfeld and Steven Spielberg, just in case you wanted to buy the movie, and you can keep the change.

RAMIELE MALUBAY: Her embarrassment revolves around a boy laughing at her picture in the fifth grade. Fortunately, after tonight, she can replace that deeply scarring moment with a new “most embarrassing moment”: the night she appeared on television singing “Take a Look at Me Now” in a purple tube skirt, a red cami, a grey jersey cardigan, and a SKINNY BELT over the top of all of it. I can’t remember how she did on the song. Sorry. Maybe the judges can help us: Randy says she’s overthinking it. She should “Come on wid it.” Paula says she has an innocent pure voice, then Paula wanders off into some other studio and starts jumping rope. Simon calls it old-fashioned (yep) and forgettable. Danny Noriega is wearing Ramiele’s clear plastic glasses. Vote now!



BROOKE WHITE: Brooke reveals she had a moment after church one Sunday after church when she threw her arms around her Dad from behind and told him how she was tired from church, and hungry, and did I mention she was at church? If you guessed he wasn’t her dad, you’re right! If you guessed the point of this narrative was not that she mistook one navy sport coat for another, you’re wrong! Wearing a bright melon western camp shirt and a woven belt in her hippie jeans, Brooke sings “Love is a Battlefield” with just one acoustic guitar accompanying her. A very fine job, Brooke! Randy thought it was interesting, Paula thought it was a wise choice, Simon thought it worked because it was original and thought it was a great performance.



I’m watching this on Tivo. Project Runway like half over right now. I’m glad there’s only one of these turkeys left to squawk.

SYESHA MERCADO: Embarrassment involving notes and school and boys. Whatever. She’s showing off her stems in a pair of grey silk shorts – again with the cadet buttons on each side! What is with these military buttons and flat fronts and, like, high waists? They look supergay. And frankly, kinda gross. She has great stems though. She sings “Saving All My Love For You” in a very capable, boring way. The judges rush through their comments – must be out of time. So am I.



Best performances: Carly Smithson and Brooke White
Going home: Asia’h Epperson and Kristy Lee Cook

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, television

Let me be perfectly forthcoming with you. I am recovering from the stomach flu. I am tired.

Before we begin, we need to address a couple of issues:

1. Did you read Garrett Haley’s tell-all interview? You remember Garrett – he was the one they called skeletal and then lambasted for crappy song choice. In his interview, little Garrett revealed the process that lead to that song choice. The contestants were given fifty choices and told to pick three possibilities, from which the producers would choose their song. He chose three, and they were all rejected. The producers chose “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” for him. And then he got voted out. Sad. I wipe away a tiny tear.
2. Robbie Carrico is denying that his hair is a wig. He is a douche.
3. Amanda Overmeyer has a mug shot. She accidentally crimed. Woops.
4. David Hernandez was a gay stripper. Or possibly Santa Claus.


Ryan reminds us there are eight guys left. Time to narrow it down to the top six. Tonight, since it is eighties night, the contestants’ films will reveal their most embarrassing moments. Am I supposed to be embarrassed by the eighties?

LUKE MENARD: For his embarrassing moment, kitten-headed Luke reveals that his sister once dressed him up like a ballerina Then we see a blurry picture of a small boy in a tutu. He sings an effeminate, breathless rendition of “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.” I feel shame. First the pink skirt, and now this. Ryan thought it was corny. Paula love, love, love, loved it. Simon says it was weak and girly, and says he can’t possibly win. During his vote-pimping, I notice that he’s wearing a work shirt embroidered with little leaves or something.

DAVID ARCHULETA: David Archuleta is making blind, fluttery eyelashes at me. My weakened digestive system bends under the pressure. On his film, he reveals that in the middle of a fundraiser in Honduras, he ran out of pipes halfway through his song, and his mom had to finish it. He sings Phil Collins, “Another Day in Paradise.” He starts out on the piano, using the same facials as he did last week for “Imagine.” He really wants us to LEARN something about it being another day for us and him in paradise. He really wants us to EXAMINE that. He licks his lips a lot. His spongy, wet, meaningful lips. I predict that the judges will once again attempt to touch the hem of his garment. Randy says it was nice. Paula liked the fact that a couple notes were off, because it proves he’s a real person. Simon says it wasn’t as good as last week, and says it’s all getting a little gloomy. Then he predicts that the Latino hobbit will be in the final two.

DANNY NORIEGA: Danny Noriega reveals his most embarrassing moment was being tripped on some stairs. He sings, “Tainted Love” in a very overwrought and draggy way. It could almost be a cool version of this song, except for all the butt wiggling and pointing at the camera and the sort of breathless rush. He has purple streaks in his hair now. Randy tells him to be more vocally brave. Paula liked it. Simon thought it was horrible, absolutely useless, hated the performance, the arrangement, the vocal, everything.

DAVID HERNANDEZ: He did a gay stripper photo shoot once, and after he got the gay proofs out he realized he had an enormous stripper booger in his nose. He sings, “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” or whatever it’s called, and he starts out well, but then gets overpowered by the backup singers. Had he been more gay, or more of a stripper, he might have been able to nail that song down a little harder. Randy says it was good. Paula says he’s really becoming a very good performer. Simon says it wasn’t as good as last week, but that he will make the finals.

MICHAEL JOHNS: Embarrassing moment: He was dressed as a mascot kangaroo in a rugby match, and got beat up by like four guys. He sings, “Don’t You Forget About Me.” Is this the defining song of my generation? Or what? He did fine. Randy says he is reminded of Michael Hutchens. Paula likes that he’s defining who he is. Simon liked it, but thinks he’s still looking for his moment.

DAVID COOK: David is wearing a giant crystalline amulet and banging around with his white Les Paul. A less sexy guitar cannot be imagined. His embarrassing moment is that he forgot the words to a song in a talent show. On closer inspection, my weary eyes perceive that the amulet is actually keys. Keys to what though? The clubhouse? The forbidden room? He sings “Hello” by Billy Ocean. Or Lionel Ritchie. Or Bartholomew the Dancing Elk. Randy thought it was brilliant, an emo version of a pop song. Paula likes the fact that he surprises her. Simon called it very brave, and reports that he loved it.

JASON CASTRO: He was embarrassed when he tore one of his dreadlocks on a date once, trying to tie his hair back before dinner. He sings Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah,” securing my eternal fandom. Never mind the song has been famously remade recently for a movie about ogres. Paula praises his phrasing. Simon thought it was brilliant. Simon says it’s his strongest performance so far, and he’s getting better and better.

CHIKEZIE: Chikezie reveals that when he was in high school he unwittingly used the women’s bathroom. He sings, “She Fills Me Up.” He doesn’t do anything spectacular in either direction. Randy and Paula liked it. Simon thought it was too cabaret, and not a smart move.

Best performance: Jason Castro and Michael Johns.
Going home: Luke Menard and Chikezie.

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, television

Thousands of families are watching. The lives of ten girls hang in the balance. This is American Idol. Really? Their lives? Are we going to hang the evicted houseguests from a digital gallows on the jumbo screen behind the set? Okay, let’s see what little cute gestures the girls are going to use to pry our votes out of us tonight:

Carly Smithson: One hand finger wiggle.
Syesha Mercado: Hey! And one hand window washer.
Brooke White: It’s all too much shrug and toothy grin, followed by wooden arm wave.
Ramiele Malubay: Two hand window washer and babydoll oooh! mouth.
Kristy Lee Cook: Two hand window washer and ironic wow-mouth.
Amanda Overmeyer: One hand raised, shows the palm, then retracts. So superfly.
Alaina Whitaker: Pin up girl hand on hip, blows us a kiss! And wearing royal blue! Gah!
Alexandrea Lushington: Double peace sign.
Kady Malloy: Thumbs up and rocker RAWR face. Seems to have spilled a jar of buttons down her front.
Asia’h Epperson: Two handed stress-ball squeeze wave. And nose wrinkle. Her skirt ate her torso and burped up a big black belt.

Judges are Randy, Paula, and Simon. They seem to have forgotten their scarring experiences from last night, because they recall the show for us as “on fire.”

Carly Smithson is Into You

CARLY SMITHSON: Carly’s secret is that she works at an Irish bar to support her failing tattoo parlor. To fully lock in my worship, she makes a bed on camera. She sings “Crazy on You” with angry, scary eyes and jouncing, gelatinous boobages. Not everyone can sing Heart, and Carly is no exception. If you know what I mean. She does the whole microphone in-and-out thing that Simon calls old fashioned, and lifts her leg carefully at the end to show her deep firey passion for rock. I have trouble swallering that load when I’ve just seen her picking flecks of lint off a beige duvet cover. Randy and Paula were ambivalent. Simon notices she is out of breath, and says she still hasn’t found the right song yet, but that she is an incredible singer. Carly reveals it has always been her dream to sing that song on American Idol. Ryan points out she needs a new dream now. Aw shucks.

Simon is doing the moose antler hand again. The mitten hand. The thing where it looks like he’s trying to jam his thumb into his temple. When the camera goes out wide, it just looks insane. Simon, what’s going on?

SYESHA MERCADO: Her secret is that she acts in commercials. She remembers her most famous line from a commercial where she played a succulent cut of mutton and said, “Duane, find me a big beautiful shell!” Then she imitates a baby crying. Wow, big deal. My kids could do that when they were… like… born. She’s wearing her hair in two symmetrical lumps behind a headband that says, “It’s seventies night.” She sings “Me and Mr. Jones” At certain times, she kills it with honor, but at other points, it is a little dull. The song is a snooze, let’s just all face it. Randy doesn’t like the song choice, Paula liked it alright, and Simon thought it was indulgent, given she had to switch the gender in the song, which he found silly. Ryan asks what her plan was with changing the arrangement up. She says, “I don’t know. I just made it my own.” Translation: “The band did that. I just showed up tonight.” EVS. Tonight is aggravating. My favorite people are making me want to chew my wrists open with boredom.

BROOKE WHITE: Brooke shocks us to our very collective core by revealing this chilling secret: she went to beauty school. She natters on about how hair is an art form, voicing over clips of her cutting a random guy’s hair in a very small bathroom. Halfway through beauty school she discovered music. Wow, where was music hiding during the first twenty years of your life, Brooke? Was it hiding behind rigorous intellectual inquiry, all coy and small where it knew you’d never find it? Brooke uses supercute air quotes to tell us she’s a “beauty school dropout” and my husband looks up from his laptop to ask if she went to beauty school for bunnies. Tonight Brooke accompanies herself on the guitar. I love, love, love her orange top and her Suzanne Somers hair. She sings “You’re So Vain” and I have to say, when I read the spoiler song list, I was worried about Brooke with this song, but SHE ROCKED IT. She does a little too much stool-bouncing and smiling, but I think she really “told a story” as they say. Randy speculates she was singing to Simon. Paula thought the song was perfect. Simon absolutely loved it. He admitted that he actually did think the song was about him. Brooke says thank you a million times. Finally one of my favorite girls pulls one out.



RAMIELE MALUBAY: Her secret is that she hula dances. This bores me. She sings “Don’t Leave Me This Way” as if she’s forty. What is making me fixate on her thick, thick, trunklike knees, her flaring nostrils, her pointy skull, her extra teeth, and all kinds of other physical details that I should be daintily overlooking in order to better appreciate the artistry. Maybe the awkward clips of the stumpy hula dancing have invited me in to this secret room. Your fault, Ramiele. Randy didn’t like it. It was just really okay. Paula didn’t like it much either. Simon has heard the song too many times at ghastly weddings. He thinks she is one of the top three singers in the competition, but this was not one of her best. Ramiele reveals she changed to this song in order to avoid the nickname “Lullabye Malubay.” Great choice, Ramiele. Enjoy your new nickname, “You Bore the Shit Out Of Us With This Dumb Song Choice Malubay.”

KRISTY LEE COOK: America would be surprised to know that Kristy is a tomboy, she speculates. She also reveals that she rides horses in ponds. She looks like an absolute star from the neck down tonight: great pewter top, sparkly black pants, boots. I want this outfit for my daughters’s Barbie. Her hair looks like a pile of spaghetti and she sings “You’re No Good” like she has a stray piece of pasta stuck in her throat, but hey, you can’t get everything right. Randy thought it was better than last week. He liked it. Paula says Kristy is back. Simon agrees it’s an improvement but doesn’t know what type of singer she really, really is. He recommends she goes down the country route. Kristy promises to go country next week and the folks at 19 Ent see big juicy country dollar signs.

AMANDA OVERMEYER: Amanda’s secret is that she’s a bookworm. She likes reading biographies of rock stars. She sing “Carry On My Wayward Son” wearing speckled flaming chaps. Her hair is absolutely a disaster: Think Delta Burke with white streaks all around the front. Amanda looks like she’s working too hard. It’s a struggle. Her hair is too stiff. Randy calls it pitchy and says it wasn’t the right song. Paula gives her props for her dance moves. I just feel terrible for Amanda standing there under that awful deathburst of streaky, stiff, plastic hair. Simon calls the hair terrible, the song indulgent, and says he couldn’t wait for the performance to finish. I’m afraid for her, with that shouty, dismal vocal and that car wreck of a wig. Lord. Robbie Carrico yesterday and Amanda Overmeyer today – I think the hair and makeup interns are shopping the Salvation Army for used extensions.

Why are the geese wearing hoodies on the Whirlpool commercials? Creepier than a herd of thestrals.

ALAINA WHITAKER: Alaina’s secret is that she doesn’t like her food touching on the plate. The worst thing is when green bean juice runs over and touches other stuff. That is really like bad. Alaina is trying to do Suzanne Somers hair and failing because of her unfortunate apey features. Face like a smashed dish. It’s better when she lifts her chin a little, but baby, when she’s making eyes at the camera, she is mercilessly chimpy. She sings “Hopelessly Devoted To You” and makes a perfect O with her lips on all the oooo sounds. Randy disagrees with the song choice. Alaina looks hunchy on the criticism. Paula calls her young and mature. Simon calls her old fashioned and speculates that her grandmother had prepped her for the audition. He thought it was pageanty, but calls her a dark horse in the competition.

Blonde #1

ALEXANDREA LUSHINGTON: Her secret is that she was the go-to girl for her Dad’s fire department when they needed the national anthem sung, or someone to do an impromptu song at Ground Zero. Cute footage of her belting it out as a preteen. She sings “Baby Please Don’t Go” and looks very pretty really with her hair pulled back on the top. She puts in a reasonable, solid, unremarkable performance. At the end she is weepy. Randy says, “What did you think?” and she says, “It’s over.” Randy tells her not to make safe choices. Paula felt she stretched it and made it her own and calls her relevant and important. Simon diagnoses her as struggling, and makes antler hand. ANTLER HAND TO YOU, SIMON. I like Alexandrea. She looks very comfortable in front of the camera.

KADY MALLOY: Her secret is that she sings opera. She sings it in the bathroom, looking at herself seductively in the mirror. Not a secret: She has an ape face like Alaina Whitaker has an ape face. They are the sisterhood of the low brow. The literal low brow. She sings “Magic Man” without hitting the correct pitch once. The button tree on the front of her tunic bobbles rhythmically as the disaster unfolds. Randy says it was a bad song for her. Paula suggests she define herself more. Simon feels frustrated because when she does the impromptu interview films, she’s charming and awesome, then comes out on stage and lays a giant rotten egg. Kady glowers and hefts her brow up and down. When she smiles, you see she has a chin to match the brow. Balance. But not in the sense of pleasant. In the sense of a cement block clunking down into a well and landing on both of its sides with equal finality.

Blonde #2

ASIA’H EPPERSON: Asia’h was a cheerleader. That’s her secret. She says it’s kind of like being on American Idol. You have to put your all into it. Dressed like a secretary, she sings, “All By Myself” which I believe was originated by some Canadian woman or other. Asia’h’s’ terrible night begins on the first “By” of the song, which she fails to sing. Her voice cracks. After that, though her skirt creeps helpfully up her torso and attempts to swallow her whole, things just get worse down to the last chin-quivering “more.” Randy gives her props for her high degree of difficulty. Paula thought it was great, though she had problems with the song, she brought it home. Simon thought she wasn’t enough singer to pull it off. She shouldn’t have attempted that song, and choosing it was silly. Ryan asks, wouldn’t you be criticizing her for playing it safe if she hadn’t taken the risk? Simon makes antler hand and Ryan’s head explodes.

Best Performances: Brooke White and nobody, really, although I liked Alexandrea Lushington.
Worst Performances: Amanda Overmeyer and either Kady Malloy or Alaina Whitaker.

Maybe America will have mercy on Amanda and just get rid of both the eye-rolling, knuckle-dragging blondes. Is there hope?

Labels: american idol, recap, season 7, summary, television