Say hi to your judges! Hi, judges! Randy points heavenward as if to say, "It's not about me, it's about God." Then he confusingly gives the UK version of the middle finger, as if to say, "Go eff yourself, America." No, the sign for peace is not a palindrome. When you turn it around it means something else. Kara in a pink homecoming dress, Paula in a floral cardigan, and Simon in an undershirt. Tra la la, isn't it all wonderful? Do we have to sit through six confused amateurs, poorly produced and ludicrously dressed to get to some Lambert?

LIL ROUNDS: Lil sings Chaka Khan's "I'm Every Woman." She's wearing a black spandex cat suit and a super funky wig. The judges have been trying to get her to sing something like this for weeks, but then they hate her for it. Yeah, okay, it was a steamy mess. Only Paula throws her a bone, saying she had laryngitis yesterday and has made an amazing recovery. As Lil listens to the judges' comments, she crumples like a dropped puppet. Then Simon says she's going home for sure -- this is her last week. Someone from the crowd yells angrily and the camera shows us some variety of Rounds relative who is saying unmentionable, I'm pretty sure, to the lip-readers in the audience. Poor Lil. Pimped early, dropped late.

KRIS ALLEN: Kris sings "She Works Hard for the Money" with a Latin folk vibe. Oh my goodness, somebody has changed up a genre! How shocking! They even drag out that drum that you sit on to play it, and bring all the percussion right downstage. Kris sings kinda like a fuzzheaded little cat or something. Sometimes he yawns and a note comes out. Kara repeats the perpetual lie with her overworked, ruthlessly articulating lips, "Oh, wow, you took a HUGE risk with that performance! And it paid off BIG TIME." Yeah, a giant risk. Because last year's winner failed utterly in switching genres on songs. And this year's front runner is having terrible trouble with his "Looky, I made it my own" performances. So yeah, big risk. Trust me, when they bring out the drum you sit on, accusations of blistering originality are right around the corner.

DANNY GOKEY: Danny sings "September" in a super dorky way. You know what, it just feels like everyone has given up. They're done. They're on the tour. Lambert is the winner. They don't even care anymore, they just want to get to the part where they get a few weeks off to take horse tranquilizers and lie around. Gokey's dancing is just beyond laughable. Gruesome even. When they go to "Danny's friends and family" the camera picks out four undead girlbots in sundresses. Who are these people? The camera visits them again and again. Are they more Cheesecake Factory conquests? Danny has an entourage that takes its ranch vinaigrette on the side. They droop and leer at the camera. The judges fawn and gush about him. Kara's lips disengage from her body, crawl down her front, swing out from the microphone and land on Gokey's scruffy chin, grabbing for purchase among his weedy little beard scraps, and landing at last on his pink, thin mouth hole. We know the judges love Danny.

ALLISON IRAHETA: Allison arrives on the stage riding a glistening chrome staircase illuminated with red bulbs and bathed in the glow of the fiery jumbotrons. She is a rocker! Take a memo! They're trying to help her out of the bottom three, I guess, but then Randy says, "You're one of the best singers in this competition." Really? One of the best? There are only seven left. Out of like thousands, hundreds, dozens, etc. So, really, one of the best -- that's overwhelmingly generous. The judges quibble. Do they like the arrangement? Or not? Who cares. They drag out the old lauds and honors -- she's authentic, she's genuine, she's real.

We are going to commercial BUT -- THERE IS ADAM LAMBERT! He's in the crowd -- I see his HEAD! I see his smiling head all wreathed in hair product and favoritism!

ADAM LAMBERT: Adam is pinching off a little Elvis tonight, and I totally want that snake ring on his pinky finger, microphone hand. He sings a really tortured, eye squeezing, look-at-my-pulsing-soul-seething-with-angst version of "If I Can't Have You." An unremarkable song that has now has all of the corpuscles wrung out of it forcibly, in the meaty fists of our favorite son. The judges froth and foam. Kara shakes her head in fake, contrived disbelief. By the way, Kara shouldn't wear her haid pulled back -- it makes her look like a fetal monkey. The kids love it. Paula confesses tearfully that she could feel Adam's pain. Simon calls it brilliant. Whatever! I didn't actually like it that much. So!

MATT GIRAUD: Matt bores the shit out of everyone with a predictable, crotch-touching, Whiny McPulerson version of "Stayin' Alive." Randy searches around for something mildly inaudible to say, and decides to opine that this group of seven is one of the most talented groups they've ever had. Oh, really? Out of seven groups, this is *one of the* most talented? I'm overcome with awe. Matt in a black straw fedora and burgundy leather jacket. Just the most completely unattractive man I have ever seen. Just that.

ANOOP DESAI: Anoop sings "Turn Down the Lights." I don't understand the song, the pink v-neck sweater under the taupe business suit, the judge's comments, or the show itself anymore. I am utterly, completely bored by Anoop, to the point that I clicked away from this window to investigate an incoming mail alerting me to a auto-thanks-for-the-follow-DM on Twitter. Just to see if maybe there was anything else there besides the autothanks. Equivalent of changing channels to watch the channel guide.

BEST PERFORMANCE: I didn't like any of them.
WORST PERFORMANCE: Matt Giraud.
GOING HOME: Matt Giraud and Lil Rounds

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, top seven

Apparently Tarrantino is a genuine Idol fan. Well, kids, it's been a long time since I thought about Quentin Tarrantino at all. How about you? I did see that unlikely bit of movie where the girl flops around on the hood of a car. I also saw the snowy scene in one of the Kill Bills -- that was pretty memorable. I think the last time I actually laid eyes on his physical person was that scene in Four Rooms where he cuts of his finger, or some other person's finger. Tarrantino is aging kind of angular. But also doughy and full of sweat. Like that guy from Office Space who is missing his paycheck. Oh I know, yes, I understand the significance of QT. But he is, to quote a movie he did not direct, so fucking eager.



ALLISON IRAHETA: Quentin Tarrantino's mentoring for Allison was beyond genius: "Okay, that was good, but now I want you to sing it again while I'm sitting in a chair." According to him, that did the trick in rehearsal. Unfortunately for Allison, in spite of many many people in chairs in front of her during her performance, she still smelled a little off. There was *one note* that was good, and that's all she could muster. The rest was kind of tired, like she was up late last night, threw on a shirt dress over some red pants, and rolled onto stage. Paula loved her, and Simon calls her the girl's last hope.

Commercial break: If you cut your shower down by two minutes, you can give a needy child a pair of shoes.

ANOOP DESAI: I feel confused that Anoop is still on the show. My confusion is not assuaged by Anoop's outfit tonight: a suit jacket with leather varsity jacket sleeves grafted onto it. Maybe Anoop is still around to promote someone's weird zombie-prep clothing line? Tarrantino earnestly requests that Anoop deliver "Look Into My Eyes" by Bryan Adams (yes, Bryan Adams) with a little grit, a little urgency, a little heart. Anoop decides to go with the castrated spaniel delivery instead, the only thing bold about him is ignoring Tarrantino's advice. Dan says, "I hope Tarrantino goes up on stage and cuts his head off." The judges loved it.

ADAM LAMBERT: Adam wows Tarrantino in practice. He is just really looking forward to the performance. No criticism. Adam sings, "Born to be Wild." They're giving him, dude, seriously, such better arrangements, such better mixing, there were effects on his vocal that no one else gets -- it is kind of sad really for the other people, not that they deserve anything better. Paula: "You dare to dance in the path of greatness. Fortune rewards the brave, and you're one of the bravest contestants I've ever witnessed, ever." Wow.

COLORLESS MOLE: It's Bryan Adams night! Tonight on Idol! Matt sings "Tell me if you ever really really luhved a wuhmuhn?" Tarrantino was like, "Colorless Mole, I never really have. I'm afraid of them, a little bit. But I'm okay with that. And don't lose the lyric." Matt just makes me kind of ill. The judges aren't in love. Kara mysteriously criticizes him for choosing a rock song? Matt nervously bites his lip and rubs his meaty thigh.

DANNY GOKEY: Gokey is going to sing "Endless Love" either to his dead wife or maybe to that girl Pam he was going to hook up with at the Cheesecake Factory? No, it's to his dead wife, as he underscores by looking up (into heaven) at the end of his song. Oh, the brutal vote-baiting. Brutal. Gokey is going full in on the dead wife treatment, since Lambert is so undeniably winning the YouTube battle. In the tape, Tarrantino had something really interesting to say. He points out that with a really emotional song like this, hand gestures and arm waving can kind of dissipate the intensity. He instructs Danny to sing it with his hands in his pockets, and let all the emotion come out his face. Well, I dunno if he managed to do it in rehearsal, but in his performance, he's waving and gesturing like he's trying to beat off bees. Seems like another great time for Tarrantino to decapitate someone, but... he is probably still a fan. The judges love the Gokey of it all.

KRIS ALLEN: Is he still here? He's singing a song I haven't heard from the movie "Once," which I haven't seen. He makes kind of a mess of it. It's one of those Scrubs-type songs. He does a lot of falsetto and a lot of wandering around the pitch looking strained and as if he's possibly dying. Total fail.

LIL ROUNDS: Lil is going to sing "The Rose." Again, Tarrantino actually has really good advice, and a good violent analogy too. I had my doubts with the whole "Let's try it with me in a chair" routine, but he's actually been way more useful than the musical icon mentors on this season. Lil sings all over the place, very wobbly and desperate. Now look at her on stage: that stupid magenta light, one spot, light rock arrangement, the usual. Whereas Adam Lambert gets chorused, reverbed, strobe lights, head-banging back-up singer, the works. Poor Lil. She coulda been there.

Best Performance: Let's just say, for the sake of variety, Adam Lambert.
Worst Performance: Kris Allen
Going Home: Kris Allen

I could be totally wrong, but I think Lil is still safe.

Labels: adam lambert, american idol, quentin tarrantino, recap, summary, top seven

It's baby picture night as the Idols sing hits from the year they were born. In a long, awkward, interesting-only-to-them sequence, we see baby pictures of the judges and Ryan. Wow, embarrassing. They used to be BABIES, everyone! Tee hee! Babies! What, no mentors again? Doesn't any other aging superstar have an album to pimp? No?



DANNY GOKEY: Danny sings a 1980 version of "Stand By Me" -- cheater. It's Lite FM all the way, first with strings and then with wo-wo-wos and bongos. Paula is dancing! The screen behind him matches his shirt! He's almost scatting, and I don't mean jazz stylings, I mean what you call bear poop when you're hanging out with Aragorn. The judges reused their comments from the last four shows. Danny Gokey is so awesome!

KRIS ALLEN: Kris' mother opines mysteriously, "We'd be just as happy as if his dream was to be a taxi cab driver." Unpack THAT sentence, Seacrest. Kris is going to sing "All She Wants to Do is Dance." Am I officially old when I can remember roller skating to the songs from the years these kids were born? Whatever. Kris has planted himself in the middle of the crowd just like Matt Giraud did last week, so there's a little knot of excited, brightly-lit women clustered around him and his electric guitar. In spite of all this pheromonic activity, the song is utterly bloodless. Kara says it sounds like "jazz funk homework" -- for once, I find her very perceptive. Paula calls him likeable. OUCH.

LIL ROUNDS: Lil takes her tape time to clarify that her name is Lil Rounds. Revelatory. Then she emerges in a leather vest and completely ridiculously amazing shoes and proceeds to rip the bowels out of "What's Love Got to Do With It?" After she's gutted it, the band drains its blood and leaves it in a mall parking lot. The arrangement sounds like the background music for a puzzle video game, you know one where the shapes fall peacefully from the top of the screen and little colored baubles congregate or quietly explode or disappear or whatever. Paula didn't like it, called it karaoke. Simon called it copycat, and said we've lost Lil.

ANOOP DESAI: Anoop apologizes onstage for the completely shocking and offensive behavior he exhibited last week during his critique. Wait, I don't remember anything about this, and I was there, oh, was I there? He says he was not being himself and he is just mortified and ashamed. Nobody seems to remember it, even Kara, who was the victim of his forgettable transgression. Anoop sings Cyndi Lauper in a spring green cardigan. It's "True Colors" but as if John Mayer was singing it, with John Mayer's nose stuffed with chewing gum. Whatever. The judges like it. Really, not a bit of that song was in tune. Paula: "You did show your true colors, and it was like a rainbow." Wow.

Hey, fuckers, don't vote til the end of the show! Or we'll come after you!

SCOTT MCINTYRE: Scott appears with an electric guitar and an amp, and sings, "The Search is Over" by Survivor, from 1985. Okay, American Idol, I give up. You found me. At least you found where I was at 13. I love this song, and I always will, and it has to do with a very intense tweeny crush and high school gym class, and this is not something I can control or explain, okay? It's irrational, like most of high school was. This song, on the radio, can still make me get all kinda dreamy and faraway. OKAY I ALSO FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT "THE GLORY OF LOVE" BY PETER CETERA. Now you know. So go ahead and poke a stick in my soft, fluffy underbelly. Scott's guitar-playing is awful and the mix is so dire the twangy guitar sound just kind of sits on top of the rest of the band. The judges hate it, and I think, now, that Scott should definitely win this whole show.

ALLISON IRAHETA: I didn't listen to Allison's tape, I was too busy trying to ascertain if it's really been 24 years since that Survivor song was a hit. Ow. She appears with freshly pinked-out hair and sings "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt -- a dangerous song choice for someone who's spent a little time in the bottom three recently. This is one of those songs it's easy to go out singing. Yet year after year they always sing it. The arrangement is elderly, the delivery is rough, the song is boring and inappropriate. The judges rave and scream about how original she is, how she reminds them of Kelly Clarkson, how she made it her own, how it was so young and vibrant. Allison looks confused, as if she knows something's fishy in this pond. Kara says, and I quote, "Let's go make a record!"

MATT GIRAUD: The funnest words ever: "Let's go back to 1985 and learn a little bit more about Matt!" Actually, it does turn out to be funny: We see footage of Matt being a saucy angel in a school play. What a little eye-roller! Then he sings "Part Time Lover" by Stevie Wonder. More scatting, this time in a fedora. Randy says, "Vocally, one of the best of the night." Faint praise, considering what's come before him. Paula and Kara make up for it by screaming and fist-pumping and stampeding around their desk making wildebeest noises. Gross.

There's only one Idol left! The only one that matters. Unfortunately my DVR cut off at 9:01 and I do not know what Adam Lambert did or did not do. It's a pimp spot backfire! Classic!

Best performance: I'm tempted to say Adam Lambert but my honest heart demands that I say Scott McIntyre. Come on, did anyone else have a special memory attached to this miserable excrescence of a song? Dammit.

Worst performance: Anoop Desai

Going home: Allison Iraheta

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, television, top eight

This is their moment! Paula is wearing awesome pink bling! Kara is smiling with her mouth hanging open! Someone in the audience is distractedly pulling the limbs off a child!


Tonight is More Money for ITunes week! The Idols will be mentored by the equipment in the studio where they tape Ryan's radio show (it's the show that Dick Clark started!) where Ryan demonstrates how he says, "This is American Idol!" into a microphone. Wow, at the push of a button, music comes out of the speaker! It's like magic, but really predictable unawesome magic. This week, our singers can pick any song that's popular on ITunes, with "popular" defined as "available."

ANOOP DESAI: Anoop sings an Usher song. Who is Usher? Is he that cartoon dog with the square head? Anoop is wearing a grimly ill-fitting black suit with the collar turned up. The epaulets are made of Rainbow Brite puffy stickers, all in a row, and there's a chain around one armpit. His shirt has a Care Bear on it (the one with the raindrops on its gut). I don't know the song, I don't want to be glared at by Anoop, and I have a feeling the backup singers could give us a better show than this horse's ass. What a staggering tool is Anoop Desai. What a quivering, gelatinous mass of toolage is this eyebrow waggler. The judges are unimpressed. Anoop defends himself by clarifying that their opinions are their opinions, adding that his butt has a hole in it, like most other people's butts, and that he wants to be an R&B artist. He is wearing a sparkly dog tag when he says all this. Can anyone else make sense of this man's wardrobe? It just mystifies me, but not in a good way, in a, like, how did the corpse of a hedgehog get stuck in my garbage disposal way.

Tom Colicchio wants me to keep it simple. I do not want Listerine to do six things. Just one thing.

Shock: Every song you hear is available on ITunes!

MEGAN JOY: Megan doesn't care, she's singing Bob Marley's "Turn Your Lights Down Low." This is finally, she says, a song she really loves. She sings it in her own special twitchy gutteral way, channeling Katherine Hepburn and also that lady at the old folks' home that won't shut up and keeps looking at you with that knowing wink, like, we understand each other. But you don't know her. And she smells like cabbage. Megan (not the hypoethetical old lady) is wearing chains and necklaces all over her collarbones, a teal corset top, and jeans. Kara doesn't like it. Paula suggests she sit on a stool with a spotlight and sing a sensitive ballad that rips the heart out of everyone. Simon calls it boring and indulgent. Randy says it took forever. They encourage her to sing Amy Winehouse, Duffy, and Adele.

DANNY GOKEY: Danny tells Randy that last week he had to sing his fifth choice of song. This is not the first time, this season, that Idols have referenced the song choice process, and suggested that they aren't completely in control of the song they sing. It's almost like you start questioning the way they're grilled and blamed about song choice every week, but then you don't, because the shiny lights are so sparkly, you forget about it. He sings "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts. Maybe the mix is off tonight -- everyone sounds kind of wobbly and dim. Danny never quite finds the pitch or the beat. The song is another reminder that his wife died, and that is pretty sad, but... if he sings "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, he is fired. This is the last "my wife died" song of the season. The next one he sings, the floor opens up and he gets dropped into the basement full of wolves and scary clowns. The judges love him. He responds in his squinty oh-golly way.

ALLISON IRAHETA: Allison practices the guitar in her tape, and we get to see her chewed, wrecked, nasty black fingernail polish. Endearing. She appears in a deconstructed prom dress and Pat Benatar hair, awkwardly stumbles through the first guitary part of "Don't Speak" by No Doubt, with the guitar. Then she flips it around to the back to rasp through the song holding the microphone. The guitar was a mistake. I hate this song. Allison looks like a muppet. No one can understand her clothes. Simon calls it "dressy-uppy." Allison is actually a 45 year old mother of three, she works in telemarketing, smoke three packs of Camels a day, and vacuums her trailer in heels. Vote!

SCOTT MCINTYRE: Don't go changing to try and please him. You've never let him down before. Just lead him over to the piano, so he can smile in your general direction. Scott has new fancy George Michael hair and jacket, and sings Billy Joel. I want to believe he is wearing a t-shirt under there. He is, right? The piano is bangy, the singing is loungey, and his sister is so excited she's bouncing out of her headband. Kara loves the eighties hair. Paula is proud. Simon calls it his best performance. I have been told to stop making fun of the blind guy, so... I will say nothing about the waving. The weird zombie waving. But if you saw the show, you know.

I do not like the overdubbed exaggerated eating sounds on Hardee's commercials.

MATT GIRAUD: Matt reminisces about being in the bottom three last week. No one cares at all. We're just waiting for him to get voted off and then release some precious little album on some sweaty little label and someone will call it "Intense!" and then he will go back to playing standards in a piano bar. Dear Matt, if you have to wear outerwear onstage, do yourself the favor of buying a jacket that fits. "Fits" means the sleeves go at least down to your wrists. Jackets that do not go down to your wrists do not "fit." Ill-fitting jackets counteract intensity. All Best, LYDIA. Matt sings a song by The Fray (you know, like in Scrubs!), with the keyboard set up in the middle of the crowd. The judges say it's like that horrible time he sang Coldplay, and that he needs to choose between the rock side of pop and the R&B side. Between the resentful glow of his colorless mole and the apologetic sheen of his giant pink gums, I don't know what to think either.

LIL ROUNDS: Lil has chosen "I Surrender" by Celine Dion, and between her rained on hair and her aging diva gown, she seems like she's going to play it completely boring. She sings it straight Celine for about the first half and then she lets it rip a little bit, funking it up Lil style. Pretty strong -- I was impressed. The judges don't want her to be adult contemporary, though. They want her to stay young. Ryan brings Lil's daughter to Randy so she can punch him for the criticism, but she gives him a big, adorable hug and Lil cries. That should be good for a few thousand votes.

ADAM LAMBERT: Adam is singing my favorite song, "Play That Funky Music (White Boy)" tonight. He does it kinda Lenny Kravitz, but more Aerosmith. Lots of screaming and tongue-waggling and strobe lighting. Whatever! Okay, it's a super-cheesy song, and there is NO WAY on earth to do it without cheese. Adam does cheese in a way that acknowledges the corniness and then flips it up. The judges like it. It's really weird that he chose it, given that he could have chosen, apparently, anything in the whole world, but yeah. He says he had fun and salutes the band.

KRIS ALLEN: Kris confesses that he is trying to make one of those special moments with "Ain't No Sunshine." Kris, don't you know, when you want to make one of those special moments, you need a string quartet on stage with-- oh, there's the string quartet! Awesome! The moment should be along any moment now -- WOOPS, there it is! He knows, he knows, he knows, he knows. The performance is strained, full of anxiety, like if a chimp got up on stage to play the keyboard, and we all sat there kind of listening to the chimp play the piano, but mostly just worrying that he was going to poop or something. The chimp did not poop but he also didn't blow it out the box metaphorically. Kara has three words for him: "That is artistry." Wow, did you really need "That is"? You could have just given him one word. They really want to keep this fuzzheaded poser in the competition -- they gave him the pimp spot and a string quartet, and yet he still comes off like someone's earnest, nervous brother who wonders if you got a chance to listen to his demo yet.

Best performance: My newly refurbished icemaker.
Worst performance: Anoop Desai

Going home: Matt Giraud

It seems like Anoop has some kind of voting mojo that we mere mortals cannot understand. He should have been gone after "Beat it" and yet, here he is. Megan, also, has a strong fan base. Matt is a lame poser -- he was a wild card, nobody likes him, and I think this is his week to damply depart.

Related posts: American Idol

Labels: adam lambert, american idol, itunes, recap, summary, top nine

Are the judges to enjoy their big dramatic entrance every episode now? That wasn't just a special treat for them at the beginning of the finals? Look. They are not basketball stars. They are not game show contestants. They are people that sit in chairs, and sitting in a chair does not require a big spotlit entrance parade. Okay? Actually, Paula looks really awesome tonight in a tutu -- and straightened hair. She's making Kara look kinda washed out and elderly, in that get-up. Go Paula.


Hey, it's Motown night! Would anyone know if they reused the old montage from past years' Motown nights? I doubt it. The idols met Barry Gordy in the real actual Motown (museum) and then accessed Smoky Robinson for some mentoring. Smokey Robinson visits the Idol house, which has a winding stair and sparkling gold railings. The Idols

Matt Giraud: Since Matt doesn't please us, let's pretend that Matt's colorless mole, so unremittingly central on his forehead, will sing tonight's Motown song, "Let's Get It On." Would you, viewer, get it on with Matt's colorless mole? Would anyone? Should Matt's colorless mole go bark up some other tree? It is soulful, but it is colorless. It has a vein right underneath it that pounds with Motown passion on the woo-hoos. Can a colorless mole ever truly know love?

Matt is wearing a navy blue cardigan, a button down shirt and tie, and the most gruesomely ill-fitting black jeans ever stone-washed. The boy has a big butt, and more importantly, big thighs. We need to either decrease the size of his ass or increase the size of his pants -- is there an iPhone app for that? Eh? Randy loves it. Kara congratulates him on getting up from the piano and walking around, and all of us at home recall the awkward moment last week when Paula asked Scott McIntyre to do the same thing. Paula compares his performance to wearing "a great old pair of worn-in jeans." Simon says his voice is absolutely suited to this kind of song, this is exactly what he should be doing. So, he should be doing songs that are fifty years old. Well hey, Justin Timberlake -- peel that fake colorless mole off your forehead. You have nothing to worry about!

Kris Allen: Smokey Robinson loves Kris Allen. Chris takes the stage in a military style shirt, tan and epauletted, with weird numbers across the shoulders and shirttails. Are those the numbers that will predict the end of the world? Is the secret to moving the island stamped above Kris Allen's nipple? It's like he's a prison camp guard and prisoner at the same time. It's so paradoxically stupid! He sings "How Sweet it is to be Loved By You." It's super-boring and the judges rave about it. They tell him multiple times that he did his own version of the song -- I will tell you that he did not. The arrangement was very James Taylor, very Lite FM, completely predictable. The comments had absolutely nothing to do with the performance. Nothing. They encourage him to have something called "Self Belief."

Someone, tell Scott McIntyre to keep his teeth together when he smiles. I have nothing else to say about that, but if you're reading this and you have his ear, you might mention it to him. He manages to keep his teeth together when talking, he could extend us that courtesy while smiling.

Scott McIntyre: Scott interviews that he is single, and waiting for the perfect fit, so he can relate to his song. Smokey Robinson thinks he's absolutely fantastic. I think he might do better with women if he wasn't wearing pink pants and a paisley shirt. Hey, he might! He sings "You Can't Hurry Love" in a fidgety, twitchy style -- kind of like if a wildebeest on crack sat down at the piano and started banging on it and panting. Dreadfully cheesy rendition, too fast, too jittery, too reminiscent of a bovine mammal. Paula loved it, but Simon and Randy were underwhelmed. Kara praised his tempo. Something happened I didn't quite get, and then Paula gave Simon a box of 64 crayons and a coloring book. Then this happened:

Scott: You have to vote for the pink pants!
Ryan: How do you know they're pink?
Scott: They told me. But not until ten minutes before the show.

Wow, Ryan! Way to bust this faker! Finally, the "blind" guys is exposed for the liar he is, whoring for votes with his "blindness" and his "visual impairment" and his "bad eyesight." HOW DID YOU KNOW THE PANTS WERE PINK, SCOTT? HUH? I THOUGHT YOU WERE BLIND! Then trying to blame it on his pants being secretive. The idea! Bravo, Seacrest. That's tough investigative journalism. I want to thank you from the bottom of my red American heart for this reassurance that although the newspapers are folding and the nightly news is losing a ratings battle with Judge Judy, tough questions are still being asked in this country. Way to put him on the spot! I have to go immediately and Twitter about this fraud being perpetrated on us viewers. I'm sure it will be all over the internet by morning. Talking pink pants, forsooth!

Megan Joy (CORKREY): Smokey calls Megan half-jazz, half-cabaret. Smokey loves Megan! Wait just a damn minute, Smokey loves everyone! He has not said one critical word. Megan takes the stage in a strapless blue satin dress with a poofy short skirt that has been hemmed by Scott McIntyre. She's wearing a chunky tropical necklace and, bless her warbling heart, flowers in her hair. And ballet flats. She sings "For Once in my Life" in her Megany way, with little hip twists and gutteral strangeness, marching around with shrugs and head wobbles for everyone. She looks like a middle-aged woman drunk on a Cancun vacation. Randy calls it a trainwreck. Kara tells her she could have chosen "My Guy." Paula agrees. Simon calls it horrible. Caw caw!

Anoop Desai: Smokey loves Anoop. Shock fills my soul. My teeth fall out of my head. I need a cocktail and a soft chair. Uh, oh, look out. Anoop is seated on the stage! I feel a falsetto coming on, so hold me down!Folks, they're breaking out the light effect that makes little spotlights swirl around on the stage. And purple lights, yo. The intensity is overwhelming! Fortunately, Anoop is wearing a white shirt and a black tie, then a grey henley sweater, a black jacket with completely confusing red and white striped knit cuffs and collar, and what is with these male idols wearing jackets on stage? It looks completely stupid. The mood is broken. Anoop is all over the place with this song -- never hits the right pitch on the ooo parts and just sucks utterly. He looks very very soulful and serious in the face, to the point that there is a little moisture under his beak. That is completely embarrassing. Kara says it was pretty good, and he has "a skillset." So does the guy that did my kitchen floor, Kara, but we don't want to hear him sing ballads. Paula calls him sweet. Simon calls it good. Randy requests that he "turn it up" next week.

Michael Sarver: Is this lukewarm potato still on the show? Michael reveals that he was sick last week. Michael says he is going to "church it up" which means, he interprets, he will "sing it off the cuff." Smokey actually offers a little critique, encouraging Michael to pound it, and not sweet-talk it. We'll see. I notice that Michael taps his fingers on the microphone like all those girl singers do -- remember Jasmine Trias from years ago? She used to do that, and it was such a weak little girly thing to do. It looks weird on the oil rig dude. Michael's pants have little rips under the back pocket which show faux underpants sticking out. I wonder if the pants didn't tell him about that until ten minutes before the show. Paula says it was too lounge, too Las Vegas. Simon couldn't wait for it to end. Me either.

Lil Rounds: Lil got emotional at the Motown museum. She wants to do this for Martha and Diana and everyone who paved the way. Okay, bring it. She sings "Heat Wave" and has Paula up and dancing in her tutu! Lil looks pretty cool in a flapper dress with really long fringe, a chin-length wig, and sparkling heels and earrings. She seems very extremely comfortable on stage, and while there's nothing really surprising or devastating about the way she sings the song, she has a certain authenticity and charm -- it's winning. Randy was disappointed. Kara says that Lil was the diva that everyone was waiting for, because this was her week. What, because she's black? Really? Paula disagrees, she thinks Lil owned that song. Simon was looking for a moment, and doesn't think she had one. Simon is always talking about "the moment" -- remember with Katherine McPhee and her "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" moment? Fantasia with her "Summertime" moment? He has a point. Lil replies very glibly and diplomatically to mixed criticism until Paula suggests she run for President, and Lil responds, "Obama!" Yeah, Obama. What?

Adam Lambert: Adam sings "Tracks of my Tears" for Smokey with a really red, flushed neck. He says he's nervous and his neck agrees. He's planning to keep it low and sweet through the whole song and Smokey approves. Adam sings his song on the stool, dressed in a silver suit, with slick Elvis hair, accompanied by an acoustic guitar, a string bass, and one of those box drums you sit on. He sounded great, lots of falsetto and interesting melodic interpretation. This kid cannot trip, it seems to me. I think he's made some really aware, really smart decisions. The audience goes crazy. Kara stands in her seat in awe, gasps, claps, and says, "I have six words for you: One of the best performances of the night." Gee, you had to stand up to deliver such faint praise? And also, that was eight words. God, I hate Kara. Paula loves his cleaned-up look. Simon calls it the best performance of the night and calls him an emerging star. Randy calls it "unbelievably hot." I agree. Sorry, but the guy is a solid performer. He is a professional. He's playing chess and the rest of them are playing tiddly-winks. Sorry!

Danny Gokey: Danny has the pimp spot and new glasses! He's going to sing "It's All Right" or "Get Ready" or "Here I Come" or whatever it's called. Smokey helpfully reminds him to sing all the words, and Danny humbly agrees on tape that Smokey is right, and he should sing all the words, but on stage Danny decides to let the background singers sing the "it's all right" and "you're outta sight" parts. Controversy! Betrayal! Defiance! Oh, no one notices. This performance reminds me of his performance of PYT and also whatever he sang last week -- he likes to sing at the top of his lungs and jump around. Whatever, Danny is a poser. Paula says he's undeniable, identifiable, and reliable. Simon calls it clumsy and amateurish.

Oh wait, that wasn't the pimp spot. This show is lasting half my life tonight. Please, let it end.

Allison Iraheta: Allison will sing "Papa was a Rolling Stone" because it will allow her to show her funk side. Smokey predictably approves. Allison funks it up big time! I enjoy her, black lace tights and denim dress notwithstanding! Kara and Paula are out of their seats clapping and pointing. Smokey and Barry are standing too. Randy says it was hot. Kara raves, "You sing like you've been singing for 400 years! That is from God! You can't teach that!" Simon calls it one of her best performances. I agree.

Best performance: Adam and Allison
Worst performance: Anoop and Michael

Going home: Megan. Don't get me wrong -- I love Megan. Anyone who sings like Katherine Hepburn while wearing miniskirt and fruit around her neck is alright in my book. But I think this is the end for her. We can only hope she will pull it out again and send home Anoop or Michael or one of those other boring turds.

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, top ten

Happy St. Patrick's Day. To everyone except Judge Kara, who is wearing silver lame. And when I do not go through the extra keystrokes to give you the accent on the e in lame, to clarify that lame has two syllables and refers to a fabric, rather than one syllable referring to Kara, it is because I don't really feel like it.



Bring out the top 11! Our girl Megan takes the stage rolling her eyes and mouthing a bad word that rhymes with "duck." Seriously, I'm not kidding. It's country week, and that means Grand Ole Opry, Randy Travis, money, Carrie Underwood, and Michael Sarver looking like a boiled sausage. Randy Travis mentors our kids this week, and says spectacularly that this group is "among" the best groups of idols he's seen "during the years he's been watching." Wow. Step back. He predicts it will be an "enjoyable" show. Randy, you're killing me.

MICHAEL SARVER: Michael placidly worries about the many words he has to memorize, but Randy Travis bravely predicts he will do "a good job." Good grief, somebody put a hat on this Randy Travis character! He's letting loose with "good" and "well" and nice" and god help us if he isn't gearing up -- he might go all the way to "pleasant" and "admirable." Michael sings "Ain't Goin' Down 'Til the Sun Comes Up" by Garth Brooks. It's phlegmatic, embarrassing, nose-wrinkly, and the crowd says, "Woo!" Dan says "Did they turn his mike off?" Kara foams at the mouth about his great memorizing ability. She says, "Wow, so many words! How could you do that!!?!?" Yeah, well, you know, the Greeks used to do much more. So. Michael returns that while singing and words and notes are important, country music is about having some fun. Paula: "I thought that your artistic ability to take a harmonica player, it added charm, it boosted your confidence and fun." It takes a lot of artistic ability to take a harmonica player, especially one that's sitting on the edge of the stage and not paying attention. Simon calls it clumsy. Michael returns, "If we were all perfect, we wouldn't need this show." Holy crap.

OH MY GOSH -- ALL THESE SONGS ARE AVAILABLE ON I-TUNES!

ALLISON IRAHETA: Allison sings "Blame it on Your Lying, Cheating, Booger-eating, Mainlining, Yard-gnome-stealing, Dog-inflating, Loving Heart." I have a soft spot for this song because it is featured in "The Thing Called Love" which is one awesome movie. Allison sings it alright, maybe a little shouty, but hey. She looks younger, thinner, like less of a smoker, and in general just perkier than she has looked so far. The judges like it.

KRIS ALLEN: I just realized that this rubbery little kittenhead is trying to pull an Archuleta on us. He doesn't have the skin humidity that Archuleta had, and he doesn't lick his lips with the same reptilian relentlessness, but this is definitely a familiar silhouette. He sings "To Make You Feel My Love" or something by Garth Brooks, sitting on a stool, and making "Buckle your shoes, baby, I'm having a feeling" eyebrows. Gross. Totally like a wedding singer. Paula calls it honest, pure and vulnerable. Simon thought it was "terrific." Randy identified "tender moments." Kris responds, "Good comments are always good." *vomit*

LIL ROUNDS: Lil looks fantastic. It's the jewelry, totally! A really glorious, excellent necklace, love the bracelet, and I can even manage the fuschia cocktail dress with these fantastic accessories. Randy Travis announces, "She's got big pipes on the top end." Lil sings "Independence Day" by Martina McBride. I hate this song; it's the Sean Hannity anthem. It was also one of Carrie Underwood's big moments on Idol. Lil sings it adequately, explaining she wants to stay true to the country genre and not R&B it up too much. It wasn't the greatest performance of her life, but she's not in trouble this week, I don't think. Paula says, "When your voice pierces through, that's why you're one of the obvious favorites." Simon says it looked uncomfortable and persists in calling her "Little." I really love her necklace.

ADAM LAMBERT: Ryan uses the word "antithetical" to describe Adam Lambert and Randy Travis. Yeah. Adam has found a version of "Ring of Fire" that sounds kind of like background music in one of those ancient Sumerian movies, like 300 or Troy or something. The harem scene maybe. He sings the living hell out of it though, including belting out some really high, really crazy notes. Major camera-eye-molesting, though -- remember Constantine and the way he used to make you feel covered in slime just the way he would track the camera around with his one pulsating eye? Yeah. I think he will have safely survived country week without suffering any proximity to a banjo. Kara calls it a little strange. Paula seems to be wearing a wig, and she loved it. Simon thought it was indulgent rubbish. I actually really liked it the more I think about it.

SCOTT MCINTYRE: He sings "Wild Angels" by Martina McBride. The song is too big, he's playing the bare minimum on the piano, and looks terrified. I'm sure he's not, but... he looks like he is. How long are the voters going to keep this guy around? Paula says the piano is a crutch. Simon says, "What do you expect him to do?" Simon says it's a bad song, and Scott says, cryptically, "I lost a lot of hat picks this week." Then he waves his arms around in a confusing way. Scott says he won't be dropping the piano any time soon.

ALEXIS GRACE: Alexis has a beautiful dress on -- I really love this dress. She's singing "Jolene" just like Brooke White did last year. Randy Travis approves, and gives her the "I'd like to frost your cupcake, cupcake" look. She sings a little behind the beat the whole time -- I think Brooke did a way better job with this song last year. The judges don't much like it, except Paula. Alexis, chastened for losing her edge, promises to "dirty it up" next week. Alexis is getting boring.

DANNY GOKEY: Come on now. You can predict this, can't you? Can you guess what song Danny is going to sing? I'll give you a minute to think about what song would really showcase his appeal to small town America. If you guessed, "Jesus Take the Wheel" you are right. He sings this Carrie Underwood hymn in a white parka and clear frames on his glasses, baby. It is impossible to forget, as he stands there in all his earnest piety and friendliness, that we saw "worship music director" under his name during the auditions. The judges have differing opinions on whether he sucks on the verses or not. Everyone agrees that on the chorus he is just all kinds of marvelous.

Are you wondering if Danny Gokey is a tool? Check out this video. Do not miss Michael Carver standing in the background, hoping someone will call *him* on the phone and want to meet up with *him* at the Cheesecake Factory:



ANOOP DESAI: Anoop is worrying Randy Travis with his song choice: "You Were Always On My Mind" by Willie Nelson. I actually love this song, but it reminds me of that movie "Practical Magic" with Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock. Hey, nothing wrong with that. If I'm listening to Anoop with my eyes closed, nothing offends me. However, when I open my eyes and look at his facial expressions, his styling, his eyebrows oozing sincerity, and his nervous lips, all the hate comes rushing back. The judges love it.

MEGAN JOY CORKREY: Megan is going to sing "I Go Out Walking After Midnight" and that bothers Randy Travis, who nevertheless finds it totally unique and unexpected. Megan is using some kind of weird voodoo priestess accent -- like, are we getting our fortunes read in New Orleans? Or are we like, straight outta Haiti? Dan says it's a Minnesota convenience store clerk. We speculate if she has a hearing problem. Maybe she's sick? Certainly her boobs are not sick. They woke up this morning and decided to put in a full day's work today. Ok, after scooting her booty and finishing the song, she reveals that she is sick, and she's been to the hospital. Influenza B, people. B. She coughs through her critique. The judges love her, sick or well.

MATT GIRAUD: Okay, I've had it. Matt Giraud is WET, he is moist and his edges are ill-defined. He is pale and possibly MADE OF SPONGE. Randy Travis *again* feels misgivings, and then *again* professes to have those misgivings melt away. Randy Travis' critique of every idol: "Well, I must admit, I was unsure of his song choice, but then when he/she sang it, it was really great. If he/she sings exactly like that, it's really going to be neato." Way to mentor, Randy Travis. I have to say, strange colorless mole and all, Matt outsings and outplays Scott McIntyre eight kinda ways. I do not like to look at Matt Giraud, but he can sing. He's just so DOUGHY. Doughy and moist at the same time: UNPLEASANT. And why do we have to see so many pink, moist, toothy gums all the time?

Kara has praised every single one of them, tonight, in the highest terms possible.
Paula can't pronounce authenticity. She also seems to privilege "piercing."
Simon liked Anoop and Matt Giraud.
Randy expressed no memorable opinion.

When they do the summaries of the performances at the end, it's like "Which one of these things is not like the other?" with Megan Joy Corkrey and Adam Lambert sticking out like brave and crazy thumbs.

Best performances: Adam Lambert
Worst performance: Michael Sarver
Going home: Sorry, but maybe Megan. I hope Michael though.

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, top 11

The top thirteen, baby! Ow Mah Gutness! The stage opens and reveals the judges indulging in a new big onstage entrance, and Kara is mouthing, "Oh my god! Oh my god!" as if it's a stadium full of screaming fans! Holy crap, the flashing lights! The blue floor! The throngs of excited audience members! It almost sounds like that might be true, but then we get a shot from Ryan's POV up in the lights, and we see that it's just the regular old audience, like 20 rows. Whatever!

We have three months until we get to crown Lil Rounds?

Here's a shock: Two of the contestants will go home tomorrow. Here's another shock: It's Michael Jackson night. But wait, when Idol takes on an artist, don't they usually come to the Idols and do mentoring sessions? Will that be, um, possible? Maybe he will appear as a hologram! Maybe he will give each Idol a cryptic three-word advice session. What will he wear? What will he do? Oh, nothing. It's regular interview tapes. Profound disappointment.

LIL ROUNDS: In her tape, Lil's husband reminds us that their house was destroyed by a tornado and they live in a hotel. Lil adds, "The day you give up on your dream is the day you give up on your life," inadvertently alienating herself from everyone who has given up on their dream, which is like 110% of the voting public. Lil takes the stage in a pink prom dress tucked into white pleated pants. She delivers "The Way You Make Me Feel" adequately. Randy says she made the song new again! Kara speculates that the rest of the contestants are now afraid! Paula compliments her outfit and compares her to angels singing. Vote for Lil! She's like Fantasia but married and friendly!

Cut to Scott backstage singing mutely and pointing his face slightly to the right of the camera. Oh, HELP, I feel myself about to make FUN OF A BLIND GUY. The thing about Scott is that he always seems like he's kind of lightly panting or kind of like, gobsmacked. During the commercial break, Fox pitches us a show where Ozzy and Sharon blindfold people and make them kiss senior citizens. Wow. Blindfolded. Coincidence? I think not.

SCOTT MCINTYRE: Scott's tape reveals that his mother started him on piano as soon as she found out he was blind, and also that his sister is blind. He sings an awkward and super-predictable version of "Keep the Faith," a song which boldly recommends having self esteem and promises that you can be a winner if you keep the faith. I find myself respecting the fact that Scott doesn't close his eyes and doesn't wear sunglasses. He has creepy, weird, wandering eyes and he isn't hiding them. The arrangement is really lite-FM sounding. Simon and Randy don't really like it. Dan points out every time any judge uses the word "see" to refer to Scott's performance in any way. Dan is so insensitive to blind people.

Nicholas Cage is doing a movie. Prego is doing a sauce.

DANNY GOKEY: Danny has a big musical family in Milwaukee. His dad used to make up songs for them, and made them sing their homework. Wow, they were encouraged to do music, and none of them were even blind! Danny is going to sing... no... please... MERCY... kill me now -- PYT. During the performance, I was unable to move or speak. It was spastic, horrific, and disastrous. A lot of shoulder-shaking, stomping around, a lot of holding the microphone out to the crowd for call-and-response type action. The crowd must understand that they are in charge of saying PYT. Danny is in charge of making his legs go back and forth rapidly. He looks like he's trying to get bugs out of his underwear. Paula predicts he will be in the finals. Kara rhapsodizes.

Dan: He's pretty good except for that back sweat thing he's got going on.
Me: That's a design printed on his jacket.
Dan: No. It's not.

I kind of like his glasses though -- purple plastic to match his shirt.

MICHAEL SARVER: Michael interviews that he enjoyed going home to sit on his porch. He's going to really love LA, this one. He sings "You Are Not Alone" sitting on the steps at the front of the stage like it's just one big porch. He's one of those singers who makes every long I sound into a big disingenuous smile, even if it doesn't make any sense with the words he's singing.

Me: He's got something printed on the back of his jacket too. Look.
Dan: Is it the assclown posse logo?

Well, Michael has finished singing. Simon says he has passion, heart, and has given it 110%. Randy says he is one of the best so far. So, great -- out of four, he is one of the best. What does that even mean? Kara likes that he's serious and brings his game every time he steps out on the stage.

Pampers has made a diaper. Jasmine is the baby of her family.

JASMINE MURRAY: Jasmine sings "I'll Be There." Her dress looks like a muumuu that's been hacked off at the hips. She sings it fine. Kinda boring, kinda flat. Randy calls it pretty good. Kara says she was like "whoa," and compliments her stage presence. Simon calls it a little robotic, recommends that she lighten up. I agree, she sounded really old-fashioned and dull.

I'll tell you what. Last season was won by David Cook, whose big excitement was doing his own unusual version of songs. I thought this season would be full of people putting their own twist on songs -- changing the tempo, changing the genre, etc. I thought they would all be doing that from week 1, after DC got such a lot of mileage from it. None of that, so far. All the arrangements have been really predictable, mainstream, standard cover versions of these songs. Even after David Cook's big breakthrough moment was doing Chris Carter's version of Michael Jackson's "Billy Jean." I'll tell you something else: There would be nothing better on this earth, no better entertainment available under the sun, than if Michael Jackson had been on hand to do mentoring sessions with these jackasses. Oh well!

TV: What makes Honey Bunches of Oats so special?
Dan: Opium.

KRIS ALLEN: In a bizarre scene on Kris' interview tape, Kris' Dad plays the guitar in an empty room while several people sit on an oatmeal-carpeted floor to listen. Does Kris' hometown not include any furniture? Kris sings "Do You Remember the Time We Fell in Love" and I actually think he put on a really good show. He has kind of a goofy, liberated joy in his performance -- a kind of chimp-like disregard for dignity. Simon says, hilariously, "I'm not sure I would have brought the wife out so early." Randy says, and I am quoting, "Very well job done."

ALLISON IRAHETA: Allison demonstrates on her tape how she habitually sings on a stage at a big furniture store. In the segment, there are about 15 people standing there clapping. Isn't she famous yet? She sings something, and... who was that rocker chick from last season who always looked so bored and irritated and wore those stripey pants? I can't remember her name but I think *this* was what they were going for when they cast her, because Allison is a girl rocker with a charming grin and an earnest desire to please. Simon tells her to lighten up. Allison goofs by saying, "I'm not like cutting myself or anything" and we see Paula miming zipping the lips, as in "Ixnay on the uttingcay uffstay!!!" I'm afraid (and delighted) that Allison's not done saying things she shouldn't. We'll see. Tonight cutting, tomorrow maybe "fuck" on live TV. OH, it was Amanda Overmeyer. That was her name. Allison is Amanda Overmeyer writ young.

ANOOP DESAI: It's lucky #13! Anoop's parents show some pictures that would get him in trouble if this were a democratic primary. I think it's possible that Anoop's parents do not love and serve the Lord in the way that other people, those who work on oil rigs for example, might. How that's going to play in Peoria remains to be seen, Bollywood notwithstanding. Anoop sings "Beat it." It's as awful as it can possibly be, including Anoop looking saucily into the camera at the end and saying "Beat it" with echoes. Paula says it sounded karaoke, that this song is untouchable. Simon calls it horrible, a bad impersonation. Behind Randy, Scott McIntyre's blind sister is inscrutable.

JORGE NUNEZ: Jorge tells us that his family is big and loud. They demonstrate. He sings "Never Can Say Goodbye" with the sleeves of his sport coat shoved up over his elbows. I've never heard this song before, and I do not like it. Jorge's moves and facials are super-smarmy, and he needs his eyebrows mowed. Jorge has proved himself insufficient unto the big stage. He looks little, scared, and unprepared. Paula asks why he picked this song.

Jorge: I was not going to sing "Bad" by Michael Jackson.
Simon: Well, you kind of did.

Who's going to get the pimp spot? Alexis or Matt? We first have to get through Megan and Adam. I can't even remember who half these people are. There seem to be about forty of them -- did we even have a semi-final round?

Apparently, on the new Osborne show, there will be whipped cream. Whipped cream and kissing grannies! It's a laugh riot!

MEGAN CORKREY: Megan's mom interviews about Megan and her awesome opportunity, with a neck the color of a sugar beet. The neck gets increasingly beetier as the interview progresses. Megan sings "Rockin' Robin" and you know what? If the arrangement hadn't been so completely rockabilly and cheesy, complete with a... PICCOLO providing the tweeting? I think that Megan could have pulled this off. However, she cannot save the song when they're putting bird sounds in it. The girl judges like the quirkiness. Simon calls the song choice stupid and the dancing ridiculous. It was kind of bizarre.

ADAM LAMBERT: Adam talks about his struggle to succeed in the music business, wearing a western shirt in the sarcastic way, not the earnest way like Kris Allen. He sings "Black or White" with his typical confidence and control. Okay, okay, I KNOW he is phony and the haircut is exactly what Flight of the Conchords is mocking, but he is a professional, he is not embarrassing, he does not get up and swing his hips to "Rockin' Robin" seriously. Paula says he is the most seasoned, comfortable contestant ever on Idol. The judges all froth and foam with love and praise.

Paula has now predicted that the final will be between Adam and Danny. Ryan sends us to the break with a "Hey, Michael, you watchin'?" This is it!

MATT GIRAUD: I don't like Matt. His parents are adoring and nervous, but the guy is a tool and I can't take his sneery, pouty, puffy nonsense. Matt sings "Human Nature" with a piano but we can't hear the piano at all, unless the piano sounds like a string section. At the end he does a big puffy, pouty, scruffy falsetto thing that has the judges shouting and clapping. During Matt's send-off, Ryan advises us to go get a pencil and paper to jot down... Alexis' number. Seriously, as Matt stands there ready to wetly pimp his puffy numbers, Ryan is already pimping Alexis.

Get ready, Alexis. They've done all they can do, and now it's up to you, girl.

I really like V8 soups. I wish the grocery store down the street would carry them.

ALEXIS GRACE: Another musical dad! This show is all about the Dads elbowing in for some camera time! Alexis sings "Dirty Diana" in a black minishorts jumpsuit and black tights. Super trampy, grindy, rockstar. As she listens to her critiques, she's absently making sexyface at the camera and the judges and everyone else who will look. It's kind of tired, ultimately.

Best performance: Adam Lambert
Worst performance: Jasmine Murray
Going home: Jasmine and Jorge, or maybe Allison if that cutting remark gets any play.

Labels: american idol, michael jackson, recap, summary, top 13

I couldn't recap the third group, for two reasons. First, I was busy on Tuesday night. Second, and this is totally serious, I think I am going to have a very hard time making fun of the blind guy. Even when I was watching the DVRed show, I had this awful, cold, falling-down-a-well feeling when contemplating ridiculing this blind dude. I think that with this contestant American Idol has won. I am defeated. But tonight, no blind guy. So life can continue in sweet denial of his staggering, high-fiving existence.

Tonight, the eight wild cards sing, and then at the end of the show, the judges will decide whether or not to kill Tatiana's dream which she has worked so hard for, which she wants more than anyone has ever wanted anything in the whole world, and she loves you, she sings for America.

Jesse Langseth: I don't like this blabbermouth, but she looks really good tonight. Black snakeskin minidress and a gold shrug and gold boots, it works. She sings, "Tell Me Something Good" and delivers the silhouette of a sexy, rocky performance. The song didn't give her a chance to shout out a glory note, and Randy noticed some pitch problems. When Jesse is grinning for the camera, I notice her teeth are widely various in shape and size. Okay.

Matt Giraud: Matt responds to the critique that he isn't bluesy enough by putting on a slouch hat and one of those Afghanistanish neck scarves, and swaying like Stevie. He sings a Jackson Five song. Apparently that's just what the judges were looking for. Paula says, "There's no doubt America is loving you right now." Actually, America is not loving him, or we would have voted him in the first time. We think he's pasty, fungusy, lumpy-butted, and crotch-smacky. Okay? Simon accuses him of being a little bit Taylor Hicks. Well-spotted, Simon! Imagine Taylor Hicks had been stuffed into a pipe and buried in the back yard for a couple of seasons, then dug up and halfheartedly rinsed off with goat snot. That's Matt Giraud.

Megan Corkrey: Megan is channeling Duffy. The judges love it.

Von Smith: Von talks on his tape like he's wearing a retainer. Is he? His hair, please, preach it, looks like he had regular hair hanging down on his forehead, and then a helpful wildebeest in a black apron came along and licked him right up his face and right onto the top of his head, leaving a giant tidal wave of hair sticking up. He sings something. Simon says he's being serious and ordinary. Von's chances don't look good.

Jasmine: Jasmine interviews that she hopes everyone will be able to see that she is really commercial and want to keep her in the competition because of her commercialness. She sings "Reflection" from Mulan, by Christina Aguilera. She throws her voice around like a dead chicken on a tetherball stake. I mean, truly, it is belabored and ridiculous. The judges applaud and salivate. Kara says, wow, Jasmine has a really big voice. I didn't know that. Did you know that?

Ricky Braddy: The wildebeest has licked Ricky's head on both sides. He sings "Superstitious" and is completely overpowered by the synthesizer -- a terrible mix. Maybe it played better in the room, but in the mid range, the instruments just dominated him and left him apologizing and gasping on the stage. And, excuse me, but, does his white button-down shirt have elastic across the hem in the back? He's wearing tight black jeans, a banker vest, a black tie, a white shirt with an elastic hem. The judges rant and rave and froth and foam with adoration.

It's clear that they have already picked their finalists going in, and they are matching their comments to their choices, not to the performances in front of them. I'm so disillusioned. I'm spending the commercial break speculating if the tooth fairy is not real either.

Tatiana del Toro: Tatiana has a minor mental breakdown on tape, declaring that she has found love, and she loves singing so much, and that she's ready to sing for America. Then she sings "Saving All My Love For You," the only song she knows. Paula points out that she has a new accent -- Tatiana garbles that she's like Jorge, she thinks in Spanish when she's emotional. Like Jorge, you know, Jorge that got voted into the top 12! Exactly like Jorge! Kara calls this "The Adventures of Tatiana" and wonders which Tatiana we're seeing today. Then we get this glorious dialogue:

Kara: At least she's not crying and holding her heart.
Simon: She will be.

So true. Tatiana goes down on her knees beside Ryan, then Ryan goes down on his knees when Tatiana gets up, then Tatiana goes back down on her knees beside Ryan, and someone says the inevitable, "This is a family show!" and WOW, awkward.

Anoop Dawg: Anoop sings a kind of gruesome karaoke version of "My Prerogative" which is a stupid song, and he does it nervously and with great arm gesturing and stomping around. Simon calls him an enthusiastic dog. Kara says she wanted to DANCE! Dance even! Anoop made Kara want to dance! Paula told him he was relevant, yes, in his bright blue polo shirt and his physicist's haircut, he is relevant. Let's just take a broad guess that they have decided to put Anoop into the finals.

Jasmine is through to the top 12. Ricky is not. He didn't show "enough personality."

Megan and Tatiana come out together. Tatiana's eyebrows are making out with each other. When she hears the news that Megan is going through and she isn't, her nose falls off. She grabs it and reattaches it, making sure it's solidly on there, not going anywhere again. Paula calls her over to the judges dais, where Tatiana stands before her with head bowed and receives the news that she is loved, she is going places, she is going to be an actor. Then she is allowed to kiss Paula's ring.

So, we have Jasmine and Megan, and then my DVR cuts out. I see from my helpful friend the internet that Anoop and Matt Giraud also both made it through. What a fraud, what a messy simulation, what a grinding, thumping, broke-leg charade. All four of the people they chose had been pimped heavily on earlier shows, clearly the judges really wanted those four in the finals and they were going to muscle them on whether we like it or not. Whatever.

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, tatiana del toro, wild card

At the top of the show, Ryan asks us, "Where else can you find a welder, a font designer, a teacher, a unicorn, a packet of spearmint gum, and a secretary, all on the verge of stardom?"


Uh, nowhere. Including on American Idol. This is not the verge of stardom. The verge of stardom is way over there and the welder is not even going to get close enough to spray big manly American sparks on it.

Jasmine Murray: Here I've been thinking that Jasmine would go far on this show because Simon called her commercial in her first audition. The last person he called commercial in an audition became the shuddering volcano of money that is Carrie Underwood. She sings "Love Song" as in "I'm not going to write you a..." and I come away believing that Jasmine is actually not going to write me a love song, because she hates me and everyone like me. If Tyra were here, she'd say, "Do pretty angry, not just angry angry!" Randy says it was weird for him, and that song was "not really for you, for me." Kara reminds us that Jasmine is commercial, twice. Paula's posture is promisingly weird. She looks like there's a string attached to the ceiling and the back of her head, and she's hanging from it loosely. The string does not work on keeping her eyelids up. Randy says that he has to agree with Kyle: Jasmine is commercial. Who is Kyle?

Matt GIRAUD: Matt is the dueling piano player. His tape causes us to reflect with longing on his memorable performance of Georgia behind the big keyboard during Hollywood week. We know it's memorable because we keep being reminded of it. He is the soul guy. The blues guy. He comes out in a two-small windbreaker with torn jeans, and sings that Coldplay song about ruling the world. He promises in his tape that he will bring soul to it, but he changes his mind and brings silly runs and goofy dynamics instead. He also does a hideous heel tapping thing that's really embarrassing, and snaps his fingers in his crotch. Gross. The judges hate the performance, tell him he's never allowed to sing anything but Ray Charles for the rest of the show. Paula defends him by pointing out that she saw him bringing what he brought to it. We the viewers can conclude that bringing soul to Coldplay is like bringing real softness to a razorblade. A razorblade is for cutting things off, not for sleeping on. You don't bring softness to it. Matt looks uncomfortable and whines that he wants to sing songs like that. Simon tells him to zip it. Bye Matt Giraud!

Jeanine Vailes: Jeanine's tape reminds us of how marvelous she is except that I don't think we've seen her at all before. Have fun tonight, Jeanine, because you have absolutely no chance! She comes out in denim short shorts and a sequinned tuxedo jacket, and sings "This Love" by Maroon Five. Her gestures and facials communicate to me that she is killing a weasel. She never quite hits the weasel with the pitch, however. The judges hate her, but compliment her legs. In an endless, painful, post-performance interview, Ryan asks the judges if she has a shot, and Paula waffles around... Jeanine fist-pumps and reminds us that she's 28 and has been doing it for 14 years. She is old! Vote for her! She continues to make strangling gestures and laugh while demanding that we vote. Gross. Bye Jeanine Vailes! Desperation is so un-Danny-Gokey.

Nick Mitchell: This is that guy that pretends to be the sparkly and sweatbanded Normund Gentle. He appears in character, red wristbands and all, to sing that Jennifer Hudson song, "You're Gonna Love Me" in a silly way, fondling the Idol logo at one point, changing up the words to be funny. I really like it -- it's way more entertaining than the usual crapfest where someone sings Whitney Houston on a stool or something. Long live Normund Gentle. The judges respond warmly. Paula even opens her eyes a little bit to call him fun and memorable. Simon and Ryan call each other gay. The interview after the performance goes on, again, forever! Paula *literally* says "Blah blah blah blah bloo" and then we have this exchange:

Ryan: Do you think you deserve a spot in the top twelve?
Normund: Ryan, you ask me that so much. Do you think I do?
Ryan: Probably not, but I'm going to give your numbers anyway.

Wow! Alright, Vote-For-The-Worsters, get ready to dial!


Allison Iraheta: Burgundy-haired high-schooler Allison interviews drunkenly about what it's like doing school at Idol. She repeats several time that it's in a room. Actually Allison we were not expecting it to be in a forest glade or anything. But thanks for really recreating the experience for us. She's 16 but sounds like she's spent 30 years drinking gin and smoking unfiltered Marlboros. Also she has some kind of speech impediment or ill-advised cutesiness that's making certain words come out all squanched up. She sings "Alone" by Heart at the top of her lungs. Just listening to it made my throat hurt. Give that kid a lozenge and a chair. Paula says, "Every season there's one contestant and many that can sing the telephone book." She also compliments Allison's twitchy microphone skills. During the post-song interview, Allison makes lots of neck wrinkles and claims not to remember anything. I'm telling you -- drunk as a goat!

Kris Allen: Kris' interview is dull and stupid. Lights, camera, and here comes another one of those awful Members Only type jackets. What are those stupid collars called? And is this all Heath Ledger's fault? This puny little twerp sings Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" like he's on Sesame Street. A couple things, Kris: Boys don't spell it Kris. They spell it Chris. He sings okay. If everyone else male for the rest of the night defecates on the stage, he just might go through. The judges like him. Kris is suffering from Danny Gokey look-alike syndrome. Same hair, same... whiteness. Same butt packed into jeans that are kind of falling down. Maybe confused old women who are in love with Danny Gokey will vote again tonight for Kris? I dunno.

Hey, commercials.


Megan Joy Corkrey: Megan is another mom -- tonight she brings it with her tattoo sleeve and enormous white teeth. Tonight she's wearing a summer dress, patterned tights and flats, and sings "Girl Put Your Records On." She looks like she's having fun, like she wants to do more, and makes us want to hear more. Paula calls her relevant. Simon wants us to vote for her. Randy calls her drop dead. Kara calls her a package artist. She says, "With the right video, you could be very viable in this market." She teaches Ryan how to do "The Corkrey" which involves white fabric roses hanging off your boobs as you shake your booty. Ryan is missing the mark. I think Megan is going to get votes -- it might be mother's night out in the top 12 -- they're going to have to get a daycare for the contestants this year.

Matt Breitzke: Bald guy with goatee storms idol with mild blinking. Matt is going to be singing Tonic's "If you could only see" because he says it "encapsulates true love." His stage gesticulation looks like running in slow motion. Weird, but seriously, watch it on fast forward and it's going to look like he's jogging. He sings like a weenie -- maybe he's nervous? Maybe he's just secretly a poet and cries. Either way, supergross lullaby vibe there. I think that other oil rig guy is going to take up the "lovable big unlikely wow a blue collar idol how charming" spot. This guy is going home. The judges blame it on poor song choice. I blame it on Matt being a weenie-head who can't rock.


Jesse Langseth: Another single mom. Shes 26 and her daughter is 8. She has long red hair, blue eyes, and she sings Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes. Jesse is one of those singers that tilts her head back and off to the side, like it's very extra heavy and she can barely be bothered to keep it upright. I don't know if this song works in the 90 seconds they give it, but it is a great song. No glory note. No revolutionary arrangement. Randy is not excited, and complains about the limited range. Jesse stands there smugly and is like "yes" and "mm-hmm" on everything the judges say, and she comes off as weirdly pushy. Paula calls her cool and says she will always remember her. Simon calls her forgettable.

Kai Kalama: When Kai auditioned, the judges told him to be more confident. He is the guy who takes care of his ailing mother, giving up everything to make her life easier. I'm sure he's wonderfully virtuous, but I like him because he looks like Sayid. He sings, "What Becomes of the Brokenhearted" with weird squinty facials and constipated dance moves. His mother appears to feel a modicum of pride. The judges gave faint praise, and Simon called it a hotel performance, nothing distinct or original, and capable. Randy said it was too safe.

Up next, the homeschooler.


Mishavonna Henson: Some idols get homeschooled after they become famous. This girl was homeschooled before she got on Idol. She was homeschooled the whole time she was trying to be famous as a child actor, getting parts on Frasier and Lifetime movies! So, homeschoolers, line up to... never mind. She sings "Drops of Jupiter" by that one band, or, she delivers the words in the correct sequence (including the whoas and the nanas) without really connecting them in any meaningful way. Paula is not excited -- the reason, people, is that she didn't sing the meaning of the words, she just sang the sounds. Simon calls her cold. The judges need her to loosen up. Mishavonna promises to be supercrazy if we vote for her. I dunno. Prolly not.

Up next, in the pimp spot (or, should we now refer to it as the Gokey spot?) Adam Lambert. Oh, Adam, please do something memorable. We all know you are capable.


Adam Lambert: Adam is all about the musical theater -- and his experience really shows. He kind of looks like a punk rock Ewan McGregor. Like a Jedi academy dropout. He sings "Satisfaction" with real style and aplomb -- and it's like the professional has arrived and the little tennis-shoe-wearing dorks who preceded him were the amateur warm-up band. Very cool. Love him. He is my favorite. The judges rhapsodize about his greatness.

My picks:

Boy: Adam Lambert
Girl: Megan Joy Corkney
Third place: I really hope Allison Iroheta because she's so weird and twitchy. I also urgently hope for Nick Mitchell and his headbands. However, Matt Giraud and Kris Allen are judge favorites and may prevail. Let's hope Vote for the Worst can come through for us and put Normund Gentle into the finals. That would be truly, truly delightful.

Labels: adam lambert, american idol, megan corkrey, recap, summary, top 36

I’m back. Did you miss me?



It’s time for that raw, feverish expression of our vibrant collective animus, the reality show we call American Idol. Let the teeth be bared. Let the nails be filed. The lion will get no sleep tonight. This year they’ve changed the process for some reason. I don’t know what all this madness is about 36 finalists, wild card spots, and whatnot, but it sounds like they’re cutting down the number of shows or something. Tomorrow, only the top three from tonight’s 12 acts will go on to the finals. Only the top three, people! The odds are stacked in a way that odds have never been stacked before! Like backwards and sideways at the same time! Holy crap!

Let’s get to the grit.

Jackie Tohn: Here comes that big personality we’ve all heard so much about! Terrible shame that big personality is walking around behind a face shaped like a garden spade. Jackie interviews in a purple quilted jacket with big colorful appliqués. She belts out "Little Less Conversation" spread-legged in lycra pants, high tops, a wide red leather belt, and a hideous strapless v-neck. Wow, Jackie Tohn has her own web site! Do not miss the blog, brilliantly titled "Ramblings" which contains one test post. Also, there is a picture of her on a hammock. Her performance is breathless, strained, shouty, and she follows it up with a lot of “yo” and “dude” and “I’m an entertainer.” Jackie is going home. I’m sure all the three fans of Jackie will be very sad. The judges praise her for jumping around the stage a lot and for having a big shovelly face.

Ricky Braddy: Ricky’s tape shows us that Ricky is a dedicated wearer of cardigans. Tonight, however, he steps out in a too-small purple velvet sport coat, too-small pants, a couple of gruesome colorless facial moles, and that damn microphone must have been dipped in oil or something. He sings some song I don’t know, but I have an awful suspicion that if its mother wanted to categorize it, she’d say it was smooth jazz. Poor Ricky is absolutely going home. The judges foam and rave about his talent and his subtlety and interpretation and amazingness and I guarantee I will not remember him after the next commercial. Hey Ricky’s family, enjoy that domain name. What exactly are they trying to promote? I guess I already forgot.

Let’s talk about for one moment the fact that upstairs in the Coke room Ryan has the parents of the contestants waiting to congratulate them after their performances. This involves each contestant giving mom and dad a big hug with their butts shoved right in the camera. Wow, live TV is so neat and full of butt shots! But seriously, don’t ask the parents how proud they are right now. The answer is “Really proud.” And now, with this new set of parents, the answer is still, “Really proud.”

Hey, we’re back.

Alexis Grace: Alexis is the cute, shy, endearing young mom who the judges encouraged to “dirty up.” Dirtying up apparently involves getting magenta hair streaks and wearing lingerie on stage. Pearls and black nail polish also figure large in Alexis’ new look. Babe, you look like a forty-year-old in a dirty wig. The judges applaud her revision of her character and personality. They declare that she has now got soul. Upstairs, a long-haired potato claiming to be her father cries over her lacy hem.



Brent Keith: Sorry, a country singer is not going to win this year. Nobody cares what you like to do “In a Hick Town” nor do we want to hear songs about it. Your sob story about living paycheck to paycheck and hoping for your big break does not move us. This ha-ha glorification of behaviors that are embraced by denizens of a “hick town” is no longer trendy. You just might be a dumbass. Irrelevant but... huh? It looks like Brent Keith was also a contestant on Nashville Star. Is that the same bloodless fool?

Stevie Wright: Stevie presents with a big old face covered in shining pimples, and chases a Taylor Swift bubble gum pop song all over the map with disastrous results. It’s like watching a tired brown dog with one leg try and climb a ladder while smiling and winking at a big sparkly camera. Totally terrible. The judges slam her. Mom reminds Ryan that she’s sixteen. Stevie is all done here.



Anoop Desai: I had a lot of hope for Anoop as a character, but he sort of limps through this R&B song a little sharp, and his hand is visibly shaking. I think he might have said “Blahbeddy bloo” instead of the real words at one point. That’s never a good sign, dawg. Paula says that America has connected with Anoop, but Sanjaya he is not.

Casey Carlson: Casey is a fembot, yo. Fembots have good pop appeal, but Casey’s facial wiring is malfunctioning in a way that is positively Palin. She sings “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic” looking like she's trying to dislodge an insect from her nose. You know what though, not even the aged and reproductive Palin had those weird forehead wrinkles that make a cute little nose-wrinkle turn into a demonic possession. The judges hated it. Her mombot hugs her and repeats “Love you dearly” and “Yay Casey!” a bunch of times while Casey inches away. Bye Casey!

Michael Sarver: Michael works on an oil rig as a roughneck, as we all bloody well know by now. He sings “I Don’t Wanna Be” by Gavin McGraw, and somewhere Bo Bice rolls his eyes, shrugs and takes another puff of whatever that thing is in his hand. Unfortunately, Michael plays it like a damn chump. What’s with the smiling, winking, and nose crinkling? First Casey, and now this. Michael looks fat and nervous, spends the song behind the beat, and apes like a toddler in a beauty pageant. Upstairs, he disappoints Ryan by hand-signing his numbers for the camera. Ryan says, “Look at you; you’re that guy, showing your numbers for the camera.” And you were expecting?

Kara sucks as a judge. Who cares?

Ann Marie Koskovich: This is the girl the judges sent out of the audition room to change her clothes and put some makeup on. She sings “Natural Woman” and blows it out pretty well, I think. Pretty blue dress, shiny swingy hair, no cute little faces. I like her. The judges hate it. When she goes upstairs, she plops down on the sofa and a crackling noise comes out of her butt. She says, “I sat down right on the hard part!” and then gives a couple of confusing thumbs ups. Ryan, rattled or irritated – can’t tell which, goes straight to the numbers, foregoing all the “How proud are you right now? I mean, to see her, there on that stage, how proud are you?”

Our local news teaser informs me that the Facebook TOS is problematic, and that the tool in the velvet jacket is a local. OH my goodness.

Stephen Fowler: Stephen Fowler is a black dude with an amazing head of wild curls. He is not that cadaverous white guy from Wife Swap who made fun of Missouri and told that small-town woman that people like her were needed to feed the military. You remember, the guy who wore the “GREEN FOREVAH” t-shirts all through the show and then embarrassed himself and Greens everywhere by tittering with his kids over the fact that the Missouri woman hadn’t heard of Umberto Eco and was therefore talking to her is like burning coal to toast Twinkies at a Walmart corporate retreat. Anyway, Stephen Fowler sings Michael Jackson in a dumb way and the judges hate it. Bye Stephen Fowler!

Tatiana Del Toro: I violently hate this person. I will be so glad when she is off the show, but I have an awful feeling she is here to stay. She appears in a beach towel and sings “Saving All My Love For You” as if she’s in a wind machine. Kara wonders where she will fit in, in the industry, and Tatiana answers, “I fit in everywhere. It’s world music.” Simon calls her a drama queen and she says she just wants to market herself. Her exact words: “That’s what I desire.” After Ryan gives her numbers, she says, “America, please vote. This is my dream and it’s up to you to keep it alive.” I no longer wonder who “Vote for the Worst” is sponsoring this year.

Danny Gokey: Danny’s wife is newly dead and he’s a church music director. He will, in fact, make it to the finals. He sings “Hero” by Mariah Carey and does great. That’s your top vote-getter, right there. Kara shouts that Danny gives “us all hope.” Paula says, “I have two words with a hyphen: sold-out arenas.” Simon passes on the hype, and also on the shirts that have something crawling up over the left shoulder. Or maybe there just aren’t any left in wardrobe after the contestants got done choosing their outfits for tonight.



Top guy: Danny Gokey
Top girl: Alexis Grace
Third Spot: Tatiana Del Toro

The only reason Tatiana will not get the third spot tonight is if they’re keeping her for the wild card. Which is entirely possible.

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, top 36, week 1

Remember when Bo Bice and Kelly Pickler and Taylor Hicks used to climb down off the stage and stomp around on risers behind the judges and storm around the studio slapping hands?? Man, those were the days. This is final four week and nobody has condescendingly high-fived the fat guy in row five. What's wrong with these cringing pansies?

Ryan introduces tonight's theme: The Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame. He makes bold statements about how deep and wide the ocean of songs from which the idols can choose -- lies, lies and falsifications. This is just another way to reintroduce Beatles Night III.

DAVID COOK: DC is going to sing "Hungry Like a Wolf" by Duran Duran. The mix is completely mysteriously uneven, with the vocals way out front and bald, and the band way down and kinda fuzzed out. It sounds like a man in a snakeskin jacket is standing out in a field of close-cropped grass shouting "DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO" while far away in a tree a band plays solemnly. Maybe in the room it sounded good, but at home we notice things we should never have to notice, like DC delivering that last line as "Helluva Wine! Dark Sugar Wine!" Do we need to mention how unsavory his pooched out, faded daisy, bee-stung lippage looks when he's nodding and giving us Blue Steel during the nonsensical "doo doo doo" parts? Did Brooke White not teach us all the important lesson that covering songs with "doo-doo" makes you sound like hot greasy poo-poo? Randy says it was mediocre. Paula says she has a big appetite. Simon thought it was copycat. He didn't make it his own. DC stands there like a double-dog-douche squinting and nodding and mouthing "thank you" to the girls in the front row.

SYESHA MERCADO: Syesha sits on the interview stools underneath a glamorous new wig, wearing a gold shift dress, with the coke bottles bubbling behind her, and pimps the tour. Good job. Way to show up. She's going to sing "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner although she is a little intimidated by all the choreography and the fact that it's been covered a hundred times. She is going to have fun with it. Uh-oh. Look out. Fun is about to be had. Hide your children. Cover the fruit! Syesha is about to do that thing with her hands! She does the first verse at a slow tempo while rotating her booty around in complex pattern. Believable. Moderate. The kind of dance move that could almost lead a person to be optimistic about the future. Then as the tempo picks up, there is a transitional period where Syesha convulses rhythmically, shaking her stiff new weave back and forth. Finally she does something that looks like she's trying to get a cat off her head. Apparently still under attack by a mad cat, she whirls around the stage, strutting, shrieking, and stomping. Randy and Paula froth with admiration. Simon says it was a lame rip-off of Tina Turner. I agree with... the invisible cat that was trying to de-weave Syesha. Go back to the signature hair puffs, girl.

JASON CASTRO: Jason gives us the following info in his interview: Tonight's theme is the rock 'n' roll hall of fame. There were a lot of songs on the list that he knew. He is going to do one of the ones that he knows pretty well. He is going to sing a song by Bob Marley. It is called "I Shot the Sheriff." He delivers this very enlightening information with the facial expression and vocal inflection of a twelve year old talking about her cute English teacher. So gross. Jason starts off well, in my opinion. I think if he'd done it all without the guitar, and if the mix had been better, so that his voice wasn't all alone out there on the stage with the band in a back room behind a door with a towel stuffed into the crack, he might have laid down a really great performance. Swinging the guitar back and forth, and with the vocal all out of whack, it did kind of suck. All the judges hated it. Simon calls it a first round audition type massacre. Apparently you're not allowed to do Bob Marley, although the song was, as we ALL KNOW, chosen for Jason by the producers. Randy and Simon go through the charade of disagreeing with the song choice, acting like Jason did Ave Maria with his finger up his nose. Jason laughs through the criticism, and then mouths "VOTE! VOTE!" to the camera while his number is being given.

DAVID ARCHULETA: David sings "Stand By Me." It was all very fine I'm sure. I am too bored by David Archuleta to say anything new. The judges fawn and throw roses as usual. Simon says he could have gotten on stage and whistled a song and would have done better than "the last one." I guess it's time for Jason Castro to go home. Good thing Vote for the Worst is on his side now, along with all the fourteen year old girls in the country.

DAVID COOK: On the stools, David interviews that "the par that I've set for myself on this show is really high." Yes, par. He's going to sing "Baba O'Riley" by The Who. He sings it kinda like a Bryan Adams song. Very dull and mainstream. All the edge of a playground ball. I forgot to listen to what the judges said.

SYESHA MERCADO: Syesha lets us know that the civil rights movement was a pivotal moment in history. This is, she adds, a pivotal movement in her history. So, top four of American Idol, civil rights movement, "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cook. She looks great in a beautifully fitted satin evening gown. I hope she enjoys this performance, because it's her last. Goodbye, Syesha. Jason Castro is too cute and giggly and stoned and popular to be defeated by you. Randy didn't like it. Paula gives her a standing O. From one woman in a golden evening dress to another, it was a superstar performance. "Welcome to your dream, Syesha. This is it for you." And here come the tears. Save some for tomorrow, though, honey. Simon agrees with Paula: she sang it really really well. Syesha sobs and chokes and hiccups "It means a lot to me" then takes the opportunity to remind us about the civil rights movement and how she researched the song. That info is not exactly buried in the annals of history, sweetie.

JASON CASTRO: Back in the meaningless world of hey-whatsup snap your fingers and giggle, Jason signs "Mr. Tambourine Man" on the meaningful stool with a yellow spot on him. Unfortunately on "jingle jangle morning" he sings "der dee-der dee-der" with a silly shrug. Woops! Forgot the words! You know what? I still pick him over David Careful-hair-strands Cook or Syesha Acting-is-my-true-passion Mercado or David Amniotic-sac-head Archuleta. Okay? His performances are the only ones I'd want to listen to again. Forgotten lines notwithstanding. Ass-headed delivery of Bob Marley notwithstanding.

I'll tell you the truth, friends. I'm weary of this smug, manipulative, piss-faced show, okay? END IT. Crown that wet little hobbit and let's get on with our lives.

DAVID ARCHULETA: Omigod, I thought the show was over. But, DA is back and he's going to sing "Love Me Tender." He says it will be exciting to sing a really romantic love song on the big stage. I'm so excited I just stuffed a couch cushion into each ear and put my eyes out. As for the song, I can't separate it from the dog food commercial that utilized these lyrics in like 1990. At the end of the song, we get such a tight shot on David's moist, earnest face that I can count his nascent eyebrows. The judges start pulling out their organs and offering them to David as spares. Simon: "You didn't beat the competition tonight. You crushed the competition tonight."

Best performance: David Archuleta
My pick: Jason Castro
Boring the plasma out of me: David Cook
Going home: Syesha Mercado

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, television, top four

Ryan introduces the show by pondering aloud whether anyone will have a nervous breakdown on stage. I think they have an loony bin paddy wagon on standby for Brooke at all times, just in the hopes that she will start foaming and slapping at people. Ryan reminds us how Neil Diamond is, in the words of the montage voiceover, "relentless." And of course, with songs like "America" to choose from -- well, can I skip tonight? No?

At the mentoring sessions, Neil Diamond is not wearing tinsel fringe. Downright weathered. Almost In fact, he looks a little bit like Neil Young. Now that would be a mentor. Glarp! Neil encourages the Idols to be joyful.

JASON CASTRO: First up to be mentored by this strange new Neil Diamond who wears tasteful brown suede is Jason. He shows us he's bringing his M game by immediately forgetting the lyrics to "Forever in Blue Jeans." Forever in oh, crap, my dreadlock fell off in my duck confit. Jason puts in a competent performance with his acoustic guitar and tonight the string section is in business casual. During this song for the first time I can kind of imagine Jason Castro having a future on the adult contemporary charts. Of course, he is wearing blue jeans. Never one to miss a visual metaphor. Tonight the idols will be judged after their second performance, so we don't get to hear from Snip, Snap and Snape until after the second song.

DAVID COOK: Slinging his electric guitar (the white one with the letters AC on it), befriended by a sweet-looking amp stack, and wearing a black business suit with AC appliqued on the front, David sings "I'm Alive." Neil Diamond liked him alright, and the song went fine. However, when Ryan leaps up onstage and addresses him as "DC" -- and I realize that *that* is what all of this AC nonsense is about. I am flattened into powder by the sudden crushing volume of his toolishness. I mean, he had AC emblazoned on his lapel, with, like red gothic letters. Has there ever BEEN such a vile chunk of excrement on this stage? I mean, I can't even look, people. ACDC my dog's puckered bung.

BROOKE WHITE: Brooke asks Neil if he's a hugger or a hand shaker. Uh, he's a serial decapitator. Step up. Brooke sings "I'm a Believer" in such a happy, schmappy, favorite-eccentric-aunt-singing-karaoke way that I feel bad already, just anticipating what vicious criticism will be leveled by Simon Cowell. It was a pretty bad show -- the key too low, the arrangement too reminiscent of the end credits of Shrek, and she played the guitar like she was trying to saw a log in half.

DAVID ARCHULETA: Neil Diamond looks at David Archuleta like he's a lemon bar lightly dusted with powdered sugar. Calls him a prodigy. And David sings "Sweet Caroline" just like you'd expect. There's a point in the middle somewhere when he attempts a fancy run on "they never would" that kind of gets away from him, and I'd almost swear it was edited just then. Like they let him have a tiny bit of a do-over or clipped out some of the mess. I'm sure not, I mean, this show is nothing if not authentic, right? Evidence that DA is a great big green healthy plant notwithstanding.

SYESHA MERCADO: In her mentoring session, she had Neil Diamond clapping and hugging. She sings "Hello Again" with long straight hair, a simple navy dress, and bare feet. She looks beautiful, and she actually delivers the words of the song as if she speaks English and understands what she's singing, unlike the last four screechers who might as well have been reciting "LA LA LA Neil Diamond wrote this song and we all know the words!"

After this round is over, Ryan brings out the contestants and lets the judges give their thoughts to this point. Randy burbles incomprehensibly. Paula apologizes for not being able to read and write, and then critiques Jason Castro rather harshly on two separate songs. When reminded that she was supposed to critique the first song only, she says, "I thought you sang twice!" Then she gets confused and starts rubbing her crib sheet under her armpits. Randy and Simon jumped in to helpfully say, "WHICH WAS YOUR FAVORITE, PAULA? YOUR FAVORITE?" as if she is deaf and ninety. Simon blasts them all and warns them they'd better improve on round two. Can't wait. I hate this episode, it's dreadfully boring. The commercials for "So You Think You Can Dance" are more interesting than this show.

JASON CASTRO: Jason sings "September Morn" on the "special moment" stool. I think he does really very well. Not that he interprets the lyrics or anything, but again, I can see that kind of Harry Connick Jr. audience going for him all of a sudden. This guy could be, like, absolutely mainstream. PLUS I had another brainwave on my endless search for who Jason Castro looks like: Emily Watson. Believe it. Randy didn't like it. Paula thought it was too safe and recommends Jason start to fight for this. Simon calls it forgettable and tells Jason they don't know who he is.

DAVID COOK: Douchey McToolerson sings "All I Really Need is You" with an acoustic guitar and does a fine job. Bit much on the "this microphone is made of opiates and I melt before it" pantomime. Nobody cares about this song. It gets loud, it gets quiet, it is executed by someone who is wearing a girly necklace. Randy is a big fan. Paula feels like she's already looking at the American Idol. Simon thought the first song was okay, the second song brilliant. Could have been on the radio this year.

BROOKE WHITE: Why aren't they letting them change clothes? Brooke's clothes were awful the first time, now they're practically offensive. I don't even know how to describe the grey, damaged, multilayered moist towellette she's got on top, but I do know it's belted. On the interview stools, Ryan reveals she has a lyric written on her arm. She sings "I am Myself" changing "New York City" to "Arizona" on the advice of Neil Diamond. Randy thought it was hard and she did a good job, Paula thought she connected with the audience and made herself vulnerable. Simon said that this the Brooke we like, a million times better than the first song.

DAVID ARCHULETA: This time up, Archuleta sings kind of a Sting-ish version of "America." His voice squeaks once. He says "of thee I sing" twice. Then he ends with "let freedom ring." I have to go outside now and take a wire brush to my eyes and ears. If I try and do it in the living room, my husband will stop me. These images and sounds must be eradicated. The judges crawl up on stage and try to grasp the hem of his garment. Look, I'm not saying his arrangements weren't well managed tonight. But remind yourself: they're not his arrangements. Nowhere is this "make it your own" fallacy so apparently fallacious as with David Archuleta's "choices."

SYESHA MERCADO: She sings "Thank the Lord for the Nighttime." Still in bare feet. Reminds me of her Andrew Lloyd Webber performance. The judges approve, but Simon predicts that she's in trouble tonight.

Here's the truth: The only performers who are actually comfortable on stage are Syesha and Jason. To some extent, David Cook seems comfortable and confident, but I think he's just doing a good job masking his worry that he will be exposed as a fraud. David Archuleta and Brooke White are white quivering ganglions of fear in the spotlight. Therefore they should go home. I'm tired of watching them tremble and quake.

Best Performance: Syesha with "Hello Again."
Worst Performance: Brooke with "I'm a Believer."
Going home: Brooke.

This show could very well come down to the two Davids. If it does, my boredom may reach out of the grey miasma that surrounds me and strangle me in its cool depths. But I will try to persevere.

Labels: american idol, neil diamond, recap, summary, television, top five