A simple stage, from which a superstar will emerge. This is, apparently, American Idol.

Tonight for our boy parade, let’s take a special look at the little ways the boys differentiate themselves with their gestures to the camera:

Michael Johns: Head duck and wave. The height of modesty, our MJ.
Jason Castro: Minnie Driver lip squeeze and eye boggle.
Luke Menard: Many teeth and the window washer wave.
Robbie Carrico: Fist on the heart thump. His heart, right to ya, camera.
Danny Noriega: Crazy eyes and fangirl scream mouth. Dannny is irony.
David Hernandez: Rocky fake punch. Pow pow, America!
Jason Yeager: Kiss two fingers, and bam, layin’ it on you, baby.
Chikezie: Index fingers pointing at each other with thumbs up.
David Cook: Tiny toddler two-finger wave.
David Archuleta: Distracted what’s up? His large amount of soul prevents further gesturing.

What’s up judges? GIVE IT UP.

Randy: Bring it hard. Make sure you’re in it to win it.
Paula: Thinks the nerves will be better. Growing into their own comfort level.
Simon: Be better.

Wax Simon

Tonight is seventies month!

Also, tonight the idols’ intro films will reveal a secret about them – something America doesn’t know. In literary terms, this would be character development.

MICHAEL JOHNS: MJ’s secret: He’s a jock! (in air quotes!) who likes to play tennis. A lot of his best songs have come to him while he was playing tennis. What a flying tool. He says tennis takes his mind off everything that’s going on. He sings “You Can Go Your Own Way” with bouncy shoulders and total lack of control on the high notes. Worse than Karaoke. Sounds like he’s singing through a strangle hold. Total crash, absolute disaster, sheer panic on the face. Randy liked it. Paula thinks he’s consistent, charismatic, seasoned, and charming. He is already there, people. Simon thought it was okay. The crowd heartily boos his faint criticism. Clearly, I am insane. Pass the port.

JASON CASTRO: Jason’s secret is that he’s not good at talking. Then there are lots of cute sound effects over clips of his fouled-up interviews. The cute is getting thick in here. Thick and dreadlocky. He sings “I Just Want to Be Your Everything,” very nicely, accompanied by his own guitar, and then the band, and then back to just the guitar. The camera affords us many close-ups so America’s female youth can pass out over his eyelashes. Quite lush, those. Randy says this is a singing competition more than it is anything. Paula recommends losing the guitar, so he can be more vulnerable as an artist. Simon thought the song was horrible, schmaltzy, and average. Simon is making a hand gesture that looks like a mitten with the thumb jammed into his temple. He made it last week, and he’s making it this week. What the hell is this gesture?

Feel the Soul

LUKE MENARD: Luke’s secret is that he is part of a gay army called Chapter Six. Chapter Six has invaded Africa and Hong Kong as well as college campuses in the US. He has been “touring” with this “group” for six years. He sings “Killer Queen” and twiddles his fingers on the microphone painfully. Note to reality show contestants: DO NOT TRY TO BE FREDDY MERCURY. There is only one him. And he is dead. You are just making yourself look like a squirting, puckered asshole. Luke, my studiously scruffy friend, you will be gone next week. No doubt in my mind. He actually snaps his fingers and kind of wiggles across the stage at one point. At the end of the song he fist-pumps. No, no, no. Randy says his degree of difficulty was high. Paula says it was a great week for him. The perfect song. Simon says it was theatrical and whiny.

Gun-Toting Militant

ROBBIE CARRICO: Robbie Carrico is wearing a wig. Yes, I am breaking this now. He is not only wearing a wig, he is wearing the ash blond wig that came with his Carrie Underwood Halloween costume. From the looks of it, he’s been giving it a lot of use. His secret, America, is that he drag races. He says it is a rush. I don’t believe it – he looks like he’s pissing his pants, sticking a helmet on to participate in a danger sport while FOX films him to make him seem more like a rocker. His real secret is probably that he likes to dry flowers in his Emily Dickinson first edition. He sings “Hot Blooded” and when it calls for him to say he has a temperature of 103, he raises first one finger, then three. Thanks for that. Randy says it sounded weak and that he’s not a real rocker. Paula says he played it safe, and lost his character and personality. Simon thought the vocal was okay. Ryan asks Robbie why he closed his eyes during Randy’s comments. Dude, he was trying to make with the cry. It’s working for Jason Yeager.

Wig, yo!

DANNY NORIEGA: Last week I got a lot of hits from people googling Danny Noriega plus the word “gay.” Is this something we really need to research, America? Danny’s secret is that he was in a punk rock band in 9th grade. They played one show and broke up. He describes it as a “bunch of rebellious kids playing instruments” yet somehow he makes it sound like the gayest thing ever. He sings, “Don’t You Remember You Told Me You Loved Me Baby” or is it “Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby.” The singing is quite terrible and the way he touches his butt lovingly is supergay. He does kind of a Mariah Carey hand routine. And he’s wearing a checkered sweater. Randy says he was overthinking it. Paula says he should just let go and sing. Simon says it was better than last week, and that he looks terrific on camera. Hmm? Terrific?

DAVID HERNANDEZ: David’s secret is that he was a child gymnast. He talks nervously about wearing a leotard. Then he does the “comin’ down the stairs, baby” entrance and sings “Papa Was a Rolling Stone.” I think I really LIKE this performance. Definitely musical theater in flavor though. Also, I do not appreciate the way he’s wearing a hoodie under a sport coat. On the last note, he gives America the eye. On behalf of America, I’d like to say, David, we get you. This was the best performance of the night. Randy loves it, and says that’s how to put it down. Paula says his voice is so pure it pierces right through the heart. Simon agrees with me – best vocal of the night so far. Simon has sparkles in his sweater. It’s a black sweater and it has sparkly threads in it. No kidding.

Between each contestant, there are commercials for mascara and cars.

DAVID YEAGER: David’s secret is that he plays guitar, piano and drums. Wow, what a terribly deep and dark secret, there, David. That was a pimp secret. A pimp secret is when you make up a fake secret to pimp yourself to the public. “My secret is that I am a firefighter who designs spaceships and I am also the butt in that most recent Calvin Klein ad. That’s my secret.” He sings “Without Love Where Would You Be Now.” Super cheesy vocal, grinning like an ape, dancing like a white boy in a crowded club, totally vile in every way. His wet lips, his tidy paunch, his double chin – these are making me forget that I’m supposed to like him because he’s a father. Randy didn’t get it – it sounded karaoke. Paula didn’t think the song showed his range enough. He should pick singer songs. Simon calls it awkward and ordinary. He says the ending was like he was drunk at a party. Keep in mind that Simon is making mitten hand throughout this commentary. Extreme, purposeful mitten hand. How can I describe this? I pause the TV and ask Dan, and he says it’s Bullwinkle hand. But, just one? It looks absolutely bizarre. David Yeager is weepy. Wobbly lips. Petulant reaction. Ryan asks him, as he is OBVIOUSLY CHOKING BACK TEARS, how he remains composed. He warbles something about how he has an amazing range. I fear for David’s future in this competition. Mostly because his name isn’t David – it’s JASON. Or, wait, is it David? See what I mean:

David/Jason Last/This Week/Year

CHIKEZIE: His secret is that his name is Nigerian. Apparently we have all been mispronouncing it. He doesn’t mind though. Tonight he is wearing a mint green polo shirt inside a royal blue polo shirt, some friendship bracelets, and bowling shoes. I would like to tell you I’m lying, but… he is also wearing jeans. He sings a song I have never heard before, maybe it is called “I Believe To My Soul.” Fantastic performance. Great, great rendition. Spirited, confident, fun, entertaining. Randy agrees that Chikezie is in it to win it. Paula says it is brilliant and fun. Simon likes the outfit, says he was a million times better than last week. Simon makes mitten hand. It’s kind of like his hand is in a cast down to the fingertips. I am mystified by this hand gesture. Only my pimp secret (I CAN’T READ!) prevents me from getting down with the google on it right now.

DAVID COOK: His secret is that he is a word nerd. He likes crosswords and stuff. Also, he has a rotten tooth up in the front of his mouth, but he doesn’t mention that one for some reason. Tonight he’s playing an electric guitar and singing “All Right Now.” It’s mixed weirdly and the guitar is sticking out of the mix like a work boot in a tossed salad. The whole thing seems regrettably unrehearsed. He actually tries to play a tiny, pinched, ridiculous solo and botches it. The one positive thing is that he’s abandoned the banker vest in favor of a black t-shirt. Good choice. Good move. Randy calls him a real rocker. Paula loved it. Simon says it was solid and believable, but calls the crossword thing boring. He says David doesn’t have any charisma, and David explains that he doesn’t have to win Simon over, but rather the public. Simon slashes back. There is blood on the Marshall stack. Simon makes mitten. I have to google it.

Well bollocks. All I can find are screen caps of the time he supposedly flipped off Sanjaya or Chris Bligh or Barack Obama or something. I need a screen cap of the hand antler! Where is my freakin’ screen cap!

DAVID ARCHULETTA: Um, how many people on this show are NOT named David or Jason? David’s secret is that when he was 11 he sang “You’re Gonna Love Me” in a hotel lobby for the season 1 finalists of American Idol. We get video, with an arrow pointing to Kelly Clarkson in a baseball cap. Yeah, this is much sexier than drag racing – his little fat voice hadn’t even changed yet! Yikes. Now all he can hope for is the grandma vote. Tonight he sings “Imagine” with a piercing stare that says, “I know you are imagining cheeseburgers and coin, you assholes.” His only accompaniment is one acoustic guitar. He oversings the song until it brays like a sweaty donkey and gives out under him. Again, thank you very much, he sounds like a drag queen. Less so this week because no drag queen would sing this song. One more thing: Don’t impromptu on the Lennon, okay? You prepubescent little excrescence. Randy said it was one of the best vocals he’s ever heard on this show. Randy asks why he didn’t sing the first verse. Um, he doesn’t want to say “Imagine no religion” because that screws him out of the Grandma vote. Duh. Paula cries, and says it’s one of the most moving performances she’s ever heard. Cut to his father, who is also crying. With Paula. Paula says he’s destined for superstardom. Simon says he is the one to beat, and that there are 19 very miserable other contestants sitting here tonight. He squints and grins and shakes his head and waves and ducks. Ryan asks how he feels, and he squints and grins and bobs his head. Cut to Simon, MAKING ANTLER HAND! Where is my screencap!?

Top performances: David Hernandez and Chikezie.

Bottom of the barrel: Luke Menard. Jason Yeager.

Labels: american idol, danny noriega, recap, robbie carrico, season 7, simon cowell, summary, top ten, wig