Thousands of families are watching. The lives of ten girls hang in the balance. This is American Idol. Really? Their lives? Are we going to hang the evicted houseguests from a digital gallows on the jumbo screen behind the set? Okay, let’s see what little cute gestures the girls are going to use to pry our votes out of us tonight:

Carly Smithson: One hand finger wiggle.
Syesha Mercado: Hey! And one hand window washer.
Brooke White: It’s all too much shrug and toothy grin, followed by wooden arm wave.
Ramiele Malubay: Two hand window washer and babydoll oooh! mouth.
Kristy Lee Cook: Two hand window washer and ironic wow-mouth.
Amanda Overmeyer: One hand raised, shows the palm, then retracts. So superfly.
Alaina Whitaker: Pin up girl hand on hip, blows us a kiss! And wearing royal blue! Gah!
Alexandrea Lushington: Double peace sign.
Kady Malloy: Thumbs up and rocker RAWR face. Seems to have spilled a jar of buttons down her front.
Asia’h Epperson: Two handed stress-ball squeeze wave. And nose wrinkle. Her skirt ate her torso and burped up a big black belt.

Judges are Randy, Paula, and Simon. They seem to have forgotten their scarring experiences from last night, because they recall the show for us as “on fire.”

Carly Smithson is Into You

CARLY SMITHSON: Carly’s secret is that she works at an Irish bar to support her failing tattoo parlor. To fully lock in my worship, she makes a bed on camera. She sings “Crazy on You” with angry, scary eyes and jouncing, gelatinous boobages. Not everyone can sing Heart, and Carly is no exception. If you know what I mean. She does the whole microphone in-and-out thing that Simon calls old fashioned, and lifts her leg carefully at the end to show her deep firey passion for rock. I have trouble swallering that load when I’ve just seen her picking flecks of lint off a beige duvet cover. Randy and Paula were ambivalent. Simon notices she is out of breath, and says she still hasn’t found the right song yet, but that she is an incredible singer. Carly reveals it has always been her dream to sing that song on American Idol. Ryan points out she needs a new dream now. Aw shucks.

Simon is doing the moose antler hand again. The mitten hand. The thing where it looks like he’s trying to jam his thumb into his temple. When the camera goes out wide, it just looks insane. Simon, what’s going on?

SYESHA MERCADO: Her secret is that she acts in commercials. She remembers her most famous line from a commercial where she played a succulent cut of mutton and said, “Duane, find me a big beautiful shell!” Then she imitates a baby crying. Wow, big deal. My kids could do that when they were… like… born. She’s wearing her hair in two symmetrical lumps behind a headband that says, “It’s seventies night.” She sings “Me and Mr. Jones” At certain times, she kills it with honor, but at other points, it is a little dull. The song is a snooze, let’s just all face it. Randy doesn’t like the song choice, Paula liked it alright, and Simon thought it was indulgent, given she had to switch the gender in the song, which he found silly. Ryan asks what her plan was with changing the arrangement up. She says, “I don’t know. I just made it my own.” Translation: “The band did that. I just showed up tonight.” EVS. Tonight is aggravating. My favorite people are making me want to chew my wrists open with boredom.

BROOKE WHITE: Brooke shocks us to our very collective core by revealing this chilling secret: she went to beauty school. She natters on about how hair is an art form, voicing over clips of her cutting a random guy’s hair in a very small bathroom. Halfway through beauty school she discovered music. Wow, where was music hiding during the first twenty years of your life, Brooke? Was it hiding behind rigorous intellectual inquiry, all coy and small where it knew you’d never find it? Brooke uses supercute air quotes to tell us she’s a “beauty school dropout” and my husband looks up from his laptop to ask if she went to beauty school for bunnies. Tonight Brooke accompanies herself on the guitar. I love, love, love her orange top and her Suzanne Somers hair. She sings “You’re So Vain” and I have to say, when I read the spoiler song list, I was worried about Brooke with this song, but SHE ROCKED IT. She does a little too much stool-bouncing and smiling, but I think she really “told a story” as they say. Randy speculates she was singing to Simon. Paula thought the song was perfect. Simon absolutely loved it. He admitted that he actually did think the song was about him. Brooke says thank you a million times. Finally one of my favorite girls pulls one out.



RAMIELE MALUBAY: Her secret is that she hula dances. This bores me. She sings “Don’t Leave Me This Way” as if she’s forty. What is making me fixate on her thick, thick, trunklike knees, her flaring nostrils, her pointy skull, her extra teeth, and all kinds of other physical details that I should be daintily overlooking in order to better appreciate the artistry. Maybe the awkward clips of the stumpy hula dancing have invited me in to this secret room. Your fault, Ramiele. Randy didn’t like it. It was just really okay. Paula didn’t like it much either. Simon has heard the song too many times at ghastly weddings. He thinks she is one of the top three singers in the competition, but this was not one of her best. Ramiele reveals she changed to this song in order to avoid the nickname “Lullabye Malubay.” Great choice, Ramiele. Enjoy your new nickname, “You Bore the Shit Out Of Us With This Dumb Song Choice Malubay.”

KRISTY LEE COOK: America would be surprised to know that Kristy is a tomboy, she speculates. She also reveals that she rides horses in ponds. She looks like an absolute star from the neck down tonight: great pewter top, sparkly black pants, boots. I want this outfit for my daughters’s Barbie. Her hair looks like a pile of spaghetti and she sings “You’re No Good” like she has a stray piece of pasta stuck in her throat, but hey, you can’t get everything right. Randy thought it was better than last week. He liked it. Paula says Kristy is back. Simon agrees it’s an improvement but doesn’t know what type of singer she really, really is. He recommends she goes down the country route. Kristy promises to go country next week and the folks at 19 Ent see big juicy country dollar signs.

AMANDA OVERMEYER: Amanda’s secret is that she’s a bookworm. She likes reading biographies of rock stars. She sing “Carry On My Wayward Son” wearing speckled flaming chaps. Her hair is absolutely a disaster: Think Delta Burke with white streaks all around the front. Amanda looks like she’s working too hard. It’s a struggle. Her hair is too stiff. Randy calls it pitchy and says it wasn’t the right song. Paula gives her props for her dance moves. I just feel terrible for Amanda standing there under that awful deathburst of streaky, stiff, plastic hair. Simon calls the hair terrible, the song indulgent, and says he couldn’t wait for the performance to finish. I’m afraid for her, with that shouty, dismal vocal and that car wreck of a wig. Lord. Robbie Carrico yesterday and Amanda Overmeyer today – I think the hair and makeup interns are shopping the Salvation Army for used extensions.

Why are the geese wearing hoodies on the Whirlpool commercials? Creepier than a herd of thestrals.

ALAINA WHITAKER: Alaina’s secret is that she doesn’t like her food touching on the plate. The worst thing is when green bean juice runs over and touches other stuff. That is really like bad. Alaina is trying to do Suzanne Somers hair and failing because of her unfortunate apey features. Face like a smashed dish. It’s better when she lifts her chin a little, but baby, when she’s making eyes at the camera, she is mercilessly chimpy. She sings “Hopelessly Devoted To You” and makes a perfect O with her lips on all the oooo sounds. Randy disagrees with the song choice. Alaina looks hunchy on the criticism. Paula calls her young and mature. Simon calls her old fashioned and speculates that her grandmother had prepped her for the audition. He thought it was pageanty, but calls her a dark horse in the competition.

Blonde #1

ALEXANDREA LUSHINGTON: Her secret is that she was the go-to girl for her Dad’s fire department when they needed the national anthem sung, or someone to do an impromptu song at Ground Zero. Cute footage of her belting it out as a preteen. She sings “Baby Please Don’t Go” and looks very pretty really with her hair pulled back on the top. She puts in a reasonable, solid, unremarkable performance. At the end she is weepy. Randy says, “What did you think?” and she says, “It’s over.” Randy tells her not to make safe choices. Paula felt she stretched it and made it her own and calls her relevant and important. Simon diagnoses her as struggling, and makes antler hand. ANTLER HAND TO YOU, SIMON. I like Alexandrea. She looks very comfortable in front of the camera.

KADY MALLOY: Her secret is that she sings opera. She sings it in the bathroom, looking at herself seductively in the mirror. Not a secret: She has an ape face like Alaina Whitaker has an ape face. They are the sisterhood of the low brow. The literal low brow. She sings “Magic Man” without hitting the correct pitch once. The button tree on the front of her tunic bobbles rhythmically as the disaster unfolds. Randy says it was a bad song for her. Paula suggests she define herself more. Simon feels frustrated because when she does the impromptu interview films, she’s charming and awesome, then comes out on stage and lays a giant rotten egg. Kady glowers and hefts her brow up and down. When she smiles, you see she has a chin to match the brow. Balance. But not in the sense of pleasant. In the sense of a cement block clunking down into a well and landing on both of its sides with equal finality.

Blonde #2

ASIA’H EPPERSON: Asia’h was a cheerleader. That’s her secret. She says it’s kind of like being on American Idol. You have to put your all into it. Dressed like a secretary, she sings, “All By Myself” which I believe was originated by some Canadian woman or other. Asia’h’s’ terrible night begins on the first “By” of the song, which she fails to sing. Her voice cracks. After that, though her skirt creeps helpfully up her torso and attempts to swallow her whole, things just get worse down to the last chin-quivering “more.” Randy gives her props for her high degree of difficulty. Paula thought it was great, though she had problems with the song, she brought it home. Simon thought she wasn’t enough singer to pull it off. She shouldn’t have attempted that song, and choosing it was silly. Ryan asks, wouldn’t you be criticizing her for playing it safe if she hadn’t taken the risk? Simon makes antler hand and Ryan’s head explodes.

Best Performances: Brooke White and nobody, really, although I liked Alexandrea Lushington.
Worst Performances: Amanda Overmeyer and either Kady Malloy or Alaina Whitaker.

Maybe America will have mercy on Amanda and just get rid of both the eye-rolling, knuckle-dragging blondes. Is there hope?

Labels: american idol, recap, season 7, summary, television

A simple stage, from which a superstar will emerge. This is, apparently, American Idol.

Tonight for our boy parade, let’s take a special look at the little ways the boys differentiate themselves with their gestures to the camera:

Michael Johns: Head duck and wave. The height of modesty, our MJ.
Jason Castro: Minnie Driver lip squeeze and eye boggle.
Luke Menard: Many teeth and the window washer wave.
Robbie Carrico: Fist on the heart thump. His heart, right to ya, camera.
Danny Noriega: Crazy eyes and fangirl scream mouth. Dannny is irony.
David Hernandez: Rocky fake punch. Pow pow, America!
Jason Yeager: Kiss two fingers, and bam, layin’ it on you, baby.
Chikezie: Index fingers pointing at each other with thumbs up.
David Cook: Tiny toddler two-finger wave.
David Archuleta: Distracted what’s up? His large amount of soul prevents further gesturing.

What’s up judges? GIVE IT UP.

Randy: Bring it hard. Make sure you’re in it to win it.
Paula: Thinks the nerves will be better. Growing into their own comfort level.
Simon: Be better.

Wax Simon

Tonight is seventies month!

Also, tonight the idols’ intro films will reveal a secret about them – something America doesn’t know. In literary terms, this would be character development.

MICHAEL JOHNS: MJ’s secret: He’s a jock! (in air quotes!) who likes to play tennis. A lot of his best songs have come to him while he was playing tennis. What a flying tool. He says tennis takes his mind off everything that’s going on. He sings “You Can Go Your Own Way” with bouncy shoulders and total lack of control on the high notes. Worse than Karaoke. Sounds like he’s singing through a strangle hold. Total crash, absolute disaster, sheer panic on the face. Randy liked it. Paula thinks he’s consistent, charismatic, seasoned, and charming. He is already there, people. Simon thought it was okay. The crowd heartily boos his faint criticism. Clearly, I am insane. Pass the port.

JASON CASTRO: Jason’s secret is that he’s not good at talking. Then there are lots of cute sound effects over clips of his fouled-up interviews. The cute is getting thick in here. Thick and dreadlocky. He sings “I Just Want to Be Your Everything,” very nicely, accompanied by his own guitar, and then the band, and then back to just the guitar. The camera affords us many close-ups so America’s female youth can pass out over his eyelashes. Quite lush, those. Randy says this is a singing competition more than it is anything. Paula recommends losing the guitar, so he can be more vulnerable as an artist. Simon thought the song was horrible, schmaltzy, and average. Simon is making a hand gesture that looks like a mitten with the thumb jammed into his temple. He made it last week, and he’s making it this week. What the hell is this gesture?

Feel the Soul

LUKE MENARD: Luke’s secret is that he is part of a gay army called Chapter Six. Chapter Six has invaded Africa and Hong Kong as well as college campuses in the US. He has been “touring” with this “group” for six years. He sings “Killer Queen” and twiddles his fingers on the microphone painfully. Note to reality show contestants: DO NOT TRY TO BE FREDDY MERCURY. There is only one him. And he is dead. You are just making yourself look like a squirting, puckered asshole. Luke, my studiously scruffy friend, you will be gone next week. No doubt in my mind. He actually snaps his fingers and kind of wiggles across the stage at one point. At the end of the song he fist-pumps. No, no, no. Randy says his degree of difficulty was high. Paula says it was a great week for him. The perfect song. Simon says it was theatrical and whiny.

Gun-Toting Militant

ROBBIE CARRICO: Robbie Carrico is wearing a wig. Yes, I am breaking this now. He is not only wearing a wig, he is wearing the ash blond wig that came with his Carrie Underwood Halloween costume. From the looks of it, he’s been giving it a lot of use. His secret, America, is that he drag races. He says it is a rush. I don’t believe it – he looks like he’s pissing his pants, sticking a helmet on to participate in a danger sport while FOX films him to make him seem more like a rocker. His real secret is probably that he likes to dry flowers in his Emily Dickinson first edition. He sings “Hot Blooded” and when it calls for him to say he has a temperature of 103, he raises first one finger, then three. Thanks for that. Randy says it sounded weak and that he’s not a real rocker. Paula says he played it safe, and lost his character and personality. Simon thought the vocal was okay. Ryan asks Robbie why he closed his eyes during Randy’s comments. Dude, he was trying to make with the cry. It’s working for Jason Yeager.

Wig, yo!

DANNY NORIEGA: Last week I got a lot of hits from people googling Danny Noriega plus the word “gay.” Is this something we really need to research, America? Danny’s secret is that he was in a punk rock band in 9th grade. They played one show and broke up. He describes it as a “bunch of rebellious kids playing instruments” yet somehow he makes it sound like the gayest thing ever. He sings, “Don’t You Remember You Told Me You Loved Me Baby” or is it “Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby.” The singing is quite terrible and the way he touches his butt lovingly is supergay. He does kind of a Mariah Carey hand routine. And he’s wearing a checkered sweater. Randy says he was overthinking it. Paula says he should just let go and sing. Simon says it was better than last week, and that he looks terrific on camera. Hmm? Terrific?

DAVID HERNANDEZ: David’s secret is that he was a child gymnast. He talks nervously about wearing a leotard. Then he does the “comin’ down the stairs, baby” entrance and sings “Papa Was a Rolling Stone.” I think I really LIKE this performance. Definitely musical theater in flavor though. Also, I do not appreciate the way he’s wearing a hoodie under a sport coat. On the last note, he gives America the eye. On behalf of America, I’d like to say, David, we get you. This was the best performance of the night. Randy loves it, and says that’s how to put it down. Paula says his voice is so pure it pierces right through the heart. Simon agrees with me – best vocal of the night so far. Simon has sparkles in his sweater. It’s a black sweater and it has sparkly threads in it. No kidding.

Between each contestant, there are commercials for mascara and cars.

DAVID YEAGER: David’s secret is that he plays guitar, piano and drums. Wow, what a terribly deep and dark secret, there, David. That was a pimp secret. A pimp secret is when you make up a fake secret to pimp yourself to the public. “My secret is that I am a firefighter who designs spaceships and I am also the butt in that most recent Calvin Klein ad. That’s my secret.” He sings “Without Love Where Would You Be Now.” Super cheesy vocal, grinning like an ape, dancing like a white boy in a crowded club, totally vile in every way. His wet lips, his tidy paunch, his double chin – these are making me forget that I’m supposed to like him because he’s a father. Randy didn’t get it – it sounded karaoke. Paula didn’t think the song showed his range enough. He should pick singer songs. Simon calls it awkward and ordinary. He says the ending was like he was drunk at a party. Keep in mind that Simon is making mitten hand throughout this commentary. Extreme, purposeful mitten hand. How can I describe this? I pause the TV and ask Dan, and he says it’s Bullwinkle hand. But, just one? It looks absolutely bizarre. David Yeager is weepy. Wobbly lips. Petulant reaction. Ryan asks him, as he is OBVIOUSLY CHOKING BACK TEARS, how he remains composed. He warbles something about how he has an amazing range. I fear for David’s future in this competition. Mostly because his name isn’t David – it’s JASON. Or, wait, is it David? See what I mean:

David/Jason Last/This Week/Year

CHIKEZIE: His secret is that his name is Nigerian. Apparently we have all been mispronouncing it. He doesn’t mind though. Tonight he is wearing a mint green polo shirt inside a royal blue polo shirt, some friendship bracelets, and bowling shoes. I would like to tell you I’m lying, but… he is also wearing jeans. He sings a song I have never heard before, maybe it is called “I Believe To My Soul.” Fantastic performance. Great, great rendition. Spirited, confident, fun, entertaining. Randy agrees that Chikezie is in it to win it. Paula says it is brilliant and fun. Simon likes the outfit, says he was a million times better than last week. Simon makes mitten hand. It’s kind of like his hand is in a cast down to the fingertips. I am mystified by this hand gesture. Only my pimp secret (I CAN’T READ!) prevents me from getting down with the google on it right now.

DAVID COOK: His secret is that he is a word nerd. He likes crosswords and stuff. Also, he has a rotten tooth up in the front of his mouth, but he doesn’t mention that one for some reason. Tonight he’s playing an electric guitar and singing “All Right Now.” It’s mixed weirdly and the guitar is sticking out of the mix like a work boot in a tossed salad. The whole thing seems regrettably unrehearsed. He actually tries to play a tiny, pinched, ridiculous solo and botches it. The one positive thing is that he’s abandoned the banker vest in favor of a black t-shirt. Good choice. Good move. Randy calls him a real rocker. Paula loved it. Simon says it was solid and believable, but calls the crossword thing boring. He says David doesn’t have any charisma, and David explains that he doesn’t have to win Simon over, but rather the public. Simon slashes back. There is blood on the Marshall stack. Simon makes mitten. I have to google it.

Well bollocks. All I can find are screen caps of the time he supposedly flipped off Sanjaya or Chris Bligh or Barack Obama or something. I need a screen cap of the hand antler! Where is my freakin’ screen cap!

DAVID ARCHULETTA: Um, how many people on this show are NOT named David or Jason? David’s secret is that when he was 11 he sang “You’re Gonna Love Me” in a hotel lobby for the season 1 finalists of American Idol. We get video, with an arrow pointing to Kelly Clarkson in a baseball cap. Yeah, this is much sexier than drag racing – his little fat voice hadn’t even changed yet! Yikes. Now all he can hope for is the grandma vote. Tonight he sings “Imagine” with a piercing stare that says, “I know you are imagining cheeseburgers and coin, you assholes.” His only accompaniment is one acoustic guitar. He oversings the song until it brays like a sweaty donkey and gives out under him. Again, thank you very much, he sounds like a drag queen. Less so this week because no drag queen would sing this song. One more thing: Don’t impromptu on the Lennon, okay? You prepubescent little excrescence. Randy said it was one of the best vocals he’s ever heard on this show. Randy asks why he didn’t sing the first verse. Um, he doesn’t want to say “Imagine no religion” because that screws him out of the Grandma vote. Duh. Paula cries, and says it’s one of the most moving performances she’s ever heard. Cut to his father, who is also crying. With Paula. Paula says he’s destined for superstardom. Simon says he is the one to beat, and that there are 19 very miserable other contestants sitting here tonight. He squints and grins and shakes his head and waves and ducks. Ryan asks how he feels, and he squints and grins and bobs his head. Cut to Simon, MAKING ANTLER HAND! Where is my screencap!?

Top performances: David Hernandez and Chikezie.

Bottom of the barrel: Luke Menard. Jason Yeager.

Labels: american idol, danny noriega, recap, robbie carrico, season 7, simon cowell, summary, top ten, wig