After an unfortunate visual gag that involved Ellen nuzzling Simon's ear, we're off! No time to chat, because it's a one hour show! Let's choose our top twelve, people! Or, let's spend an hour asking these questions: "Was that the right song choice for her? Or should she have sung a different song? Oh, a different one? Well which one?"

KATIE STEVENS: Katie sings Kelly Clarkson's song "Breakaway." The judges have been telling her to go younger, so you'd think Kelly Clarkson circa 2004 would be appropriate. However, tonight Ellen tells her that she still wasn't old enough to sing these lyrics. Yeah, because singing "I'll spread my wings and learn how to fly" requires a really mature stature. Apparently, nothing is young enough for Katie Stevens to sing, and the judges request that if she makes it back next week she try out the song from Teletubbies. That might be young enough to accommodate her extreme youth. Simon gives her ten out of ten for trying but says it wasn't good enough. He tells her she sucked (long pause) the life out of the song. Kara says she just doesn't know what kind of artist Katie wants to be.

SIOBHAN MAGNUS: Siobhan slowly tell us that her father taught her to sing, and then slowly reveals that she will sing "House of the Rising Sun" to honor him. I'm sure any father would be honored by his daughter singing a song about being debauched in a whorehouse. It sounds pretty dope, in the words of Randy. The first verse she sings acapella, which provides that magical "moment" feeling we love to see on Idol, and then the lone guitar kicks in, and then the whole band comes in very predictably, which prompts Ellen to praise the fact that she made the song "current." Simon calls it ploddy, boring, and dark. Kara puts in that she doesn't know what kind of artist Siobhan wants to be.

LACEY BROWN: Lacey is lurking/sitting on the side of the stage during Siobhan's critique, so they can immediately transition over to her singing Belina Carlisle's "The Story." What, no stupid anecdote about her childhood? No drippy dedication to Grandma or dear dog Pedro or poor dead Uncle Hoss? We must really be on a time crunch. She never gets up from her seat, just stares down the camera and daintily yodels her way through it with her shiny, shiny lips and her fake, fake color contacts. Wow, the judges love her song choice! She's back on track, they say! Even Simon thinks it sounds like it's already on the radio. Kara is excited to report that she knows what kind of artist Lacey Brown will be!!!!

KATELYNN EPPERLING: Katelynn sings "I Feel the Earth Move," by Carole King, wearing high waisted overall skirt, and mildly be-bopping around behind some kind of keyboard. She seems to have been attacked offstage by a bath loofah which is still stuck to the top of her head. Or maybe it's like she teashed her hair up into a big huge blonde afro and then right before she went on stage she tried to shove her forehead into a furnace fan. The judges hate it. They're disappointed with the lack of specialness. She didn't look like she was competing, not trying hard enough. Mole visibility quotient: 60%.

DIDI BENAMI: Didi hasn't played her guitar since Hollywood Week but now she's going to play the hell out of it. Or at least she's going to play two strings in syncopated chords again and again during a trippy, stripped down version of "Rhiannon" by Fleetwood Mac. Randy missed the wow moment but thought it was better than last week. Ellen says, "Yes indeedy, Didi" and everyone around her literally barks out "Ha ha ha" as in three syllables of obligatory laughter. It's amazing to me that they hired a comedian to be a judge, an actual comedian with a successful career, and she has delivered less than half a dozen viable jokes in six weeks of screen time. Kara and Simon loved it. The judges praise her for coming back strong after being "mauled."

PAIGE MILES: Paige has taken her turn pressing her face against the furnace fan backstage, then maybe had someone throw a bucket of water on her hairdo for good measure. She sings a dreary, hopeless version of "Smile" by Charlie Chaplin, staying safely behind the beat and whispering shyly. The judges hate it and Simon calls it the "end of the road." Paige repeats a few times that she loves the song and that it's emotional for her. Ryan asks why it's emotional, maybe digging for a sympathy vote or two, but Paige seems to be saying that the reason she's emotional is that Michael Jackson recorded that song and is now dead.

CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: Crystal sings "Give Me One Reason" by Tracy Chapman, and plays the electric guitar. Then she sits down on her amp to take her criticism, too cool to even stand. Actually, we later learn that the weight of her extreme coolness has shattered her kneecaps, and she has had to be rushed to the hospital. We must all rearrange our schedules for the next three weeks so that she can get repeat kneecap replacement surgery, but this time she needs titanium ones, to sustain the massive encumbrance of her sick, sick cool. The judges ask her to please take a poo, so they can bathe in its glorious light. They offer to clean her feet with their hair. Kara reaches into her abdomen and pulls out a throbbing, dripping kidney, offers it to Crystal just in case. Simon calls her "most improved" and "the one to beat." Maybe she'll disappear when they move to the bigger stage. We can only hope. American doesn't like an Idol that peaks early.

LILLY SCOTT: Lilly plays an electric mandolin and sings "I Fall to Pieces" by Patsy Cline, zombie edition. It's violently overwrought and dull and halloween-ish. The arrangement is reminiscent of an olde time hootenanny, like you can imagine someone sucking a hayseed and playing the string bass. And not in a fresh, updated way. In a way where you chew the seeds of actual hay. Look, Patsy Cline is Patsy Cline. She's an icon. If you're going to do Patsy Cline as olde time country hayseed, you have to be, like Loretta Lynn or Willie Nelson. If you're going to do it modern, you're doing it like Cowboy Junkies or, like The Lemonheads or something. Ellen, clearly having listened to something completely different sung by someone other than Lilly, praises the originality of her style, and Kara calls it contemporary and current. Yeah. At least they're loyal.

Best Performances: Siobhan Magnus and Didi Benami
Worst Performances: Paige Miles and Katie Stevens
Going Home: Katelynn Epperly and Paige Miles

See you tomorrow night!

Labels: american idol, idol, recap, television

Tonight on American Idol and Local Craft Faire: Kara has borrowed Jermaine's butter dish in order to sculpt her very own hair tumor. Simon uses the word "misunderestimated" in all seriousness. The girls take their turn sharing little known facts about themselves. And we learn how to make a pin cushion out of a thrifted wool sweater!

CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: What don't we know about Crystal? Crystal has a twin that was too square for her, so she absorbed him into her body while they were still in the womb, and now wears him as a second liver. "I love you, bro, but you're so square and you know it!" she says kiddingly at her own abdomen. She also carries with her the shrunken heads and teeth of her fallen enemies in a small Chinese pouch. Did I mention teeth? Crystal is still missing several of hers -- I guess the medical emergency must have been a dreadlock stuck in the vacuum cleaner, not mouth surgery as I had guessed. She sings "As Long As I See the Light" by Creedence Clearwater Whatever, and promises she's going to gospel/church it up, which to her means taking a week to slide up into all the big notes. She does a confident, credible job and the judges build a temple for her worship. I'd say at this point if the judges get their way, between giving her pimp spot on week one, executing an unprecedented schedule change so she could recover from her illness, and tonight's fawning, that we're looking at a finale of Crystal Bowersox and Lee DeWyze. If America gets her jumpy, pimply way, it'll be Tim Urban and Alex Lambert in the finals. YIKES.

HAELEY SOMETHING: Haeley reveals a secret about herself: she likes to make headbands and hair accessories! I hope she's already got her Etsy shop in place because she's going to have a lot of time to wind that ribbon. She delivers a completely flat, one-dimensional performance of what was already a really annoying, one-dimensional song: Hannah Montana's "The Climb." She wanders hopelessly around stage, warbling past the pitch now and then, lisping, clutching, tottering around like a kindergartner in Grandma's heels. The judges "keep it real" and filet her with a sharp knife. Camera cuts to her small, gaunt, long-haired grandmother, who blinks her tired, sunken eyes and mouths these words to the camera: "I will cut out your heart and eat it raw if you don't vote for Haeley."

LACEY BROWN: Lacey's secret is that she refurbishes antiques to sell. She says it relaxes her -- and this is exactly what Haeley said about her headband creation. Because that's what you want in a pop star -- someone who knows how to relax with a glue gun. Not sexy, ladies! She's going to sing "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer, on Kara's recommendation. She has a bigger, maybe better voice than Leigh Nash. However, what she doesn't have that Leigh Nash has is the ability to sing "Kiss Me" without making me want to open a trap door under her feet and send her to the bowels of the earth, to be eaten by a balrog. She is either nervous or secretly forty-five years old, but the cute bounce and the wink and the twinkle play really fake. She seems like a nice lady, though. A nice, middle-aged lady.

KATIE STEVENS: Katie interviews so cute. She's goofy, she's irreverent, she laughs at herself -- what's not to like? Here's someone who, in stark contrast to Lacey Brown, is actually young, and in bangin' shoes she kills "Girl, Put Your Records On." You know who she reminds me of? Katherine McPhee. A lot. I bet she has a real moment later on in the show with "Somewhere Over the Rainbow." The judges criticize her fiercely -- WHY? I thought she sounded fine. Don't worry, she'll be ok for next week. I like to think that Katie is a closet nerd, who is, like, always on time with her papers and does all the extra credit. Ryan asks her what she's going to do about their critique of her song choice, and she says, "I guess research and look up stuff." Katie, I love you! Google it!

DIDI BENAMI: Didi reveals that she was the school mascot in middle school, and then a cheerleader. She plans to bring up her "star meter" a little bit by singing "Lean On Me" by Bill Withers. In my opinion, she succeeds. I mean, she bopped around on stage too much and had too much fun, like, overly connecting with the lyric, but I thought the voice was strong. Didi has been compared to Brooke White, and I get that, but Brooke could never have pulled off Bill Withers. The judges disagree, and skewer her with a hot poker. They hate the song choice, call it screechy, a disaster. Ellen suggests she should have sung "Lovely Day." Yeah, because that's one where she could have really showed what Kara calls her "vocal stylings." Glory notes left and right. Am I watching a different show than the judges are? Is Didi's actual flaw in the judges' eyes is her failure to be Crystal Bowersox?

MICHELLE DELAMOR: Michelle reveals that she is the children's choir director at church, and the tape shows her pre-show prayer and meditation, just so everyone knows what team she's playing for (the good guys!). Last week the judges called her safe, so this week she's going to sing "With Arms Wide Open" by Creed, because a song with a four-note range constitutes taking a huge risk. It goes about as well as you think it might it would -- listening to her was at least as fascinating as watching a bulldozer fill in a small pool. The judges (AGAIN) criticize the song choice. Randy hated it, Kara loved it, Simon agrees with.... Kara. Oh whatever. And you know how many people are going to buy Delamor/Creed on ITunes? Not a lot.

Hey, I have an idea -- what if the judges just criticize the song the contestant is singing and the performance that actually happens on stage, instead of dangling this other thing they might have done, something that the judges can't quite define, that the singers should definitely do next time. I'd like to hear "That was bad," or "That was good," but I am not interested in "What if this or that?" You know what it is? It's lazy. they focus so much on song choice, you start to think it's all about that. And when you realize that the song choice is *not in the contestant's control* it becomes harder and harder to pretend this whole thing isn't ridiculous.

LILLY SCOTT: Since the coaches have been working with Lilly to get her to open her eyes more, I may not get another opportunity to say: HAPPY VALENTIMES! The surprise that Lilly reveals tonight is that she was born by the river in a little town. Apparently just like that river, she's been running ever since. She sings her Sam Cooke very well, the judges scream with love, prompting a confused Randy to say "That's something we will never say about you, that you're unique, you're your own person." Huh? Oh well, she has silver hair.

KATELYNN EPPERLY: They give her a white grand piano, a miniskirt, and the "this is a moment" spotlights, and Katelynn delivers a really sweet Coldplay cover. Adequate as a mild but name brand mouthwash.

You know what does not make entertaining television? Watching someone do something on their IPhone. Like something really pedestrian and uninteresting. With their fingers in the screen saying, "I push this button, and then this thing happens, and then I push this button." It's like getting a video game tutorial from my 10-year-old son, an experience I have compared to being boiled in goat oil. If I don't have an IPhone, I don't care. And if I do, I already have figured out how to send a video with it. K?

PAIGE MILES: Paige relaxes by coloring. Literally coloring animals in a coloring book. With markers and crayons. Then she sells her nicely outlined , tidily-colored pictures on Etsy. Paige looks better than she did last week, but I think I've identified that it's the green contacts that are giving me the "I've actually been dead for weeks, look how fistfuls of my hair come out in my hands" vibe from her. Paige sings a Kelly Clarkson song that Kara wrote. The judges give a mixed review -- Kara indulges in a little "Hey, who wrote that? Oh, me? Right, me!" and points out that when she wrote it, she wasn't happy with the guy, so maybe Paige shouldn't be smiling. I realize that a lot of time has been spent tonight in debating whether these women are happy or not, if they should smile or not. If I cared, at all, I would be all -- did they ask the boys? whether they are happy people? or -- but wait, I don't care. At all.

SIOBHAN MAGNUS: Siobhan reveals that her method of warming up before the show is blowing raspberries. If that doesn't make the "Let's look back on your journey" clip montage, I don't know what will. Dressed like a second grade teacher doing a walk of shame (complete with a headband that might even relax Haeley), Siobhan sings "Think" by Aretha Franklin. She screams her way through it, mouth open, teeth flashing, hitting a note so far in the stratosphere that it instantly kills all the fairies in the room. The judges love her.

Let's look back at the weirdos in the competition, in reverse order: Siobhan Magnus, Lilly Scott, Crystal Bowersox. Then there are the boring people: Haeley, Lacey, Michelle, Paige. Regular people: Katie Stevens, Katelynn Epperly, Didi Benami. I think the boring people will go first, the weirdos will blow up at some later point, and it will be Katie Stevens standing there at the end. That's what I think.

What do the judges think? Well, just in case we forgot, because Crystal was first out of the gate tonight, they remind us specifically that like Crystal the best. Crystal, Crystal, Crystal. The judges will really cry when she goes home. They'll rant and stomp their little feet. But the teenaged girls of this fine land are not going to vote her into the finals. Consider that they're trying to get Lady Gaga to mentor -- can you see this field taking a crack at that catalog?

How do you relax? Have you ever bought a coloring book page off Etsy? What's in Lacey Brown's hair? Who won the week -- girls or boys?

Labels: american idol, recap, season 9, television

Breaking News! Crystal Bowersox was rushed to the hospital today, and cannot perform tonight! She cannot perform! Everything must change, and the universe must be restructured to accommodate this new information. Up is now down. Black is now white. Ellen is now a comedian. Kara is now a music industry insider. There are doctor's orders at work. This is official! Translation: We forced Crystal Bowersox to have dental surgery. She is still full of bruise and swell. Tomorrow, she will be sufficiently iced, but check her teeth! Do you dare gaze into the dental horror that is Crystal Bowersox's mouth? Let's go together. We don't have to stay long, just long enough to know the truth. Hold my hand. Don't look directly at the brown ones.

Fortunately there are 10 guys on the payroll, ready to perform tonight instead of Crystal and the Harridans -- and I'm sure the lack of rehearsal time and interruption to their schedule won't negatively effect them at all!

News! Kara got a spray tan. Good decision. If she had trotted out that bright red dress without turning on the tan, it would have been hard to take.

News! Ellen is doing a few jokes tonight! Real jokes, as if she were a comedian on a television show, trying to entertain an audience, instead of a wide-eyed regular guy off the street, just happy to be here, Ryan. Right, there is a reason that Ellen is on the show and it's not because of her blinding insights into the music industry. She can be funny -- if she can stop surpressing that, we might be able to figure out why she was added as a judge.

This week the contestants' interview segments will reveal something about themselves that we don't know. They will also extensively recap what happened on stage last week for us including bluetone taped segments of the judges' comments. Who needs these recaps? Was someone watching ice dancing during the show last week? Were you?

MICHAEL LYNCH: Michael's unknown secret is that he is really into musical theater, making him the first straight man to ever reveal this secret. He went to a performing arts high school and now he just loves to dance around on stage with his little shiny cane accessory, kicking up his heel accessories. Way to challenge my assumptions, there, Michael. You are just one giant man, full of cute surprises. He sings "This is a Man's World" by James Brown, with the stated objective of defining himself as a front man, not a supporting act as Simon described him last week. He's cute, and he does try hard, but he's kinda just goodish. The judges react as if he had just turned himself into a giant pile of money. Randy gives him a standing ovation. Ellen makes a JOKE! A REAL ONE, praising the song as "educational." She gets laughs. Kara calls him potentially "a great artist." Simon gets on the pimp train too. Ok, whatevs, but he will be slain in the theme weeks, srsly.

JOHN PARK: John tries to shock us in interview by sharing that he has only been speaking English since 4th grade, and his first language is Korean. This would be a surprising revelation if he didn't look so completely Korean. Like yeah, I was born in Michigan, are you going to frakin' die from shock now, or what? He has an acapella group called "Purple Haze" that is waiting anxiously to get their lead singer back, having long since given up on their collective manhood. John sings a very boring John Mayer song, sporting a white v-neck t-shirt, clearly aware of the source of his many votes. I am not in his demographic. At all. The judges praise him -- he is so much better than last week! Yawn.

CASEY JAMES: Casey's revelation is that he does not have a television. Instead he works on his house and tries out different hairstyles in the mirror, plucking a stray here, an eyebrow there, widening his eyes, narrowing them, opening his mouth really wide, closing it, going "WEEooWEEooWEEoo" and seeing what that looks like from the side, etc. While cavorting around in his rehearsal space, he shows us a mysterious box but quickly closes it, promising to reveal its contents only if he makes it to the top ten! Vote, girls! We want to find out what's in that medium-sized brown box, right?! Thank you, Casey. Last week I was bemoaning the lack of a reason to punch you in the face. Now, I have one. And maybe that's what was in the medium-sized brown box after all. A much-longed-for justification for scorn. Casey's rendition of "I Don't Want to Be" recalls Bo Bice, Chris Richardson, and everyone else who ever used it on the show. He pulls out some lead guitar, but no one really cares. Even Kara is unimpressed, saying he took "two steps back" tonight. Casey will not be going home, though. We must know what's in the box.

ALEX LAMBERT: Tonight Alex reveals that he has his own secret language that he made up in sixth grade. It sounds like fake "my ancestors are Cherokee" stuff like on Better Off Ted. He whines about his terrible stage fright, saying, "I get nervous that's not regular nervous. It's not even me any more nervous, it takes over my whole body." It takes over his body and styles his hair like Carole Brady*, puts on a plaid sport coat, vomits, writes a couple of bad checks, picks up a guitar and sings "Everybody Knows" by something or other. It was less of a disaster than last week. Randy praises his niche-finding. Ellen exhumes her banana analogy and praises his unique style (now the banana is ripe). Kara praises his recordable tone that producers would die for. Really? That twangy, coppery, whingy little voice? Ryan, experiencing a journalistic personal best, asks: "Would you be upset, like depressed, if you weren't on the show?" Alex: "Yeah, it's like, totally my dream right now, so yeah."

TODRICK HALL: Todrick is going to sing Tina Turner. Ryan asks Todrick why he's choosing another lady song after he got shouted at for picking a lady song last week. Todrick replies that he knows that he can change up the song just enough this time, and not repeat the mistakes he made last time. To be fair to Todrick, these contestants have been told again and again to pick a song and change it up, make it their own, just like David Cook and Adam Lambert. After some grainy footage of Todrick in tights dancing the Nutcracker, he sings "What's Love Got to Do With It?" all slowed down and breathy, with a weird tempo, weird rhythm, and a weird amount of fist-pumping. In other words, he does exactly what he did last week all over again. Ellen goes off her mission statement completely, and forgets to any anything funny. Kara criticizes his R&B runs. Randy tells him he changed the song too much. Simon tells him to quit singing.

JERMAINE SELLERS: Jermaine interviews that he wears footie pajamas because his father won't turn the heat on in their house. He complains cheerfully about the judges' comments last week, and comes off likeable. He emerges on the stage having shaved his hair up into an inexplicably rounded point. It's like he used the cover of a butter dish to mold his hair. Maybe he is trying to "change it up" and "make it his own" where "it" is the shape of a human skull and "his own" is a weird-ass hair tumor. To make matters not at all better, he is wearing a plaid bow tie, a spotted shirt, a grey cardigan, and jeans that look like he fell into a puddle of bleach. He sings "What's Going On" by Marvin Gaye with the same goofy, slippery vocals and sleazy eyebrow motions he pulled out last week. Everyone hates it.

The thing is, Todrick and Jermaine basically repeated their performances from last week. And got screamed at for it. But why should they not? Last week, they got enough votes to stay. Why change?

Back from the break, Randy warmly tells us, "Thank you for choosing Idol." Idol peanut butter? Idol for state senate? Idol = life?

ANDREW GARCIA: Andrew's secret is that he is a break dancer. He can spin around on the heel of his hand. He is singing, "You Give Me Something" by James Morrison. I've never heard the song before, and I probably haven't heard it now. However, it's not terrible. Without his guitar, sitting on the meaningful stool, bathed in a bank of blue spotlights, Andrew is completely believable as a kinda contemporary jazz guy. Likeable, if a little wobbly on pitch. The judges are meh.

AARON KELLY: It's time for the exploding fetus to reveal a secret about himself! What will it be? That he's secretly cooking two livers? He lisps to us apologetically that he really likes photography, and actually says the words, "It allows me to be myself in my pitchers. Nobody can tell me the right way or the wrong way to do it. I can do it just my way." Face to face with that kind of droopy, moronical optimism, I have no choice but to vomit flaming knives from my mouth, hair, fingers, and toes, and destroy the world with my fury. Sorry! But then, wait. Aaron's soft voice and blinking innocence lead me to believe, suddenly, that he is super gay. Now I feel bad talking about how he is a wet, dripping fetus clutching the microphone with his gelatinous unformed fingerbuds. But, I can't help what I know. He gives us "My Girl," singing and riffing through all the riffs and pauses, over an arrangement that couldn't be more diluted and Disneyfied. There was actually a pink and yellow sunburst radiating in and out on the LCD screen behind him. The judges liked it. Aaron giggles self-effacingly. So, yeah, he is a gelatinous, quavering, moist GAY fetus. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Except if you're on television. In which case, dry off.

TIM URBAN: What don't we know about Tim Urban? Surprise! He's one of the Duggars. Urban is just a stage name. Dammit! Now he will never get voted off. Tim reveals that before he squeaked out that whispering falsetto last week that he said a little prayer for help. He must have prayed to God to take his voice away and replace it with a handful of wet feathers and depressed beetles. Tonight he sings some crap like you probably heard when you were in college and you went to an open mike and some asshole with hair like Shawn Cassidy got up and danced behind the microphone like a middle school girl high on Fanta and orthodontic glue. Randy hates it. Ellen recommends that since he has no stage presence and no charisma, he should become an actor. But she meant it, like, not as a joke. Simon liked it. WHO CARES? The only reason Tim and Alex are still around is because the American teenaged girl likes her man limp, nervous, and licking his lips constantly.

LEE DEWYZE: Lee reveals his secret: He had to go to a school for juvenile delinquents for a while, and a teacher helped him turn his life around. Nice story -- I think I heard America give off a collective "Awww." Lee sings "Lips of an Angel" against the very significant night sky and stars background. He wears a blue t-shirt and jeans and manages to make it look like it doesn't matter. I liked it, the judges liked it, Lee is in the pimp spot, and I think he pretty much has it made into the top ten. I believe he will be dismissed at some point right before the end, basically following a Daughtry-esque plot progression into a career as a front man for a band, not a pop star.

Best Performances: Lee DeWyze and Andrew Garcia
Worst Performances: Jermaine Sellers and Aaron Kelly
Going Home: John Park and Tim Urban

*Carole Brady joke brought to you courtesy of my son's rockin' violin teacher, Mrs. V.

Labels: american idol, recap

When the show opens, the top 12 guys are standing at the edge of the stage as if ready to be shot to death with arrows. A pudgy Ryan Seacrest marches down the line, barking out threats and demands. Chest in, recruit! Scruffy chin out! Clearly under orders to ignore the camera, the "singers" look full of fear and polyester stuffing. They should be afraid. After all, the girls sucked big rotten mangoes last night and if these guys aren't careful, they'll be sucking on them too.

I actually do like a few of the contestants tonight. If I can maintain any level of respect or affection for any of them two hours from now, I'll be faint with shock. The judges predict nerves will rule the evening. Kara recommends that if they're nervous they find a place they're comfortable with. How about their garage? No? Nestled in their mama's bosom? No? Then it has to be the Idol stage. Sorry, Kara.

TODRICK HALL: Todrick's clothes are unremarkable: congratulations Todrick's clothes! He turns in a scant, nervous reinterpretation of Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone," re-imagined as a Gwen Stefani style reggae song, like if "Sweet Escape" was sung by a nervous man who had been told to dance for his life. After demanding all night last night that they completely violate expectations and change up songs to fit their own style, the judges filet him for "making it his own." Simon called it "bordering on stupid." Ryan begs for votes based on creativity. Todrick's face says, "But I thought I was supposed to--" but then it's time to flash his numbers and move on, leaving Todrick's incredulous carcass blinking in shame.

AARON KELLY: Aaron Kelly is just a fetus still encased in an amniotic sac. He's the type of dripping, mucousy fetus that likes to wear jogging pants, a thin hoodie, and a gold necklace around its ropy, wobbly neck, but not tonight! Tonight, the moist and delicate Aaron is all cowboyed out in a flannel shirt and torn jeans, and sings "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts. He struggles along, straining away with his undeveloped lungs and his finger buds clutching that big heavy microphone. Panting, gasping, slipping, he hits the glory note hard and explodes. The judges like him. Ellen's critique: "Ditto to all that."

JERMAINE SELLERS: Jermaine interviews to remind us that he was the one who famously whined that the band messed him up on his last Hollywood solo. Then he sing "Get Here" in every key imaginable, with a whole lot of winking, nodding, sex-eye, and grinning. He is wearing a grey tuxedo coat over a cotton henley, with a satin rosette just like Granny used to make, and a black fedora with no brim. He looks like he was wearing a regular hat and then walked into a giant sander or something, scraping the brim right off it for a disconnected, disastrous effect. The judges hate him, and I also hate him. After the critique, Ryan asks Jermaine if he's made peace with Michael, meaning Michael from the band. Jermaine frowns and stutters, pricelessly, "Who's Michael?" Oh, really, who is Michael? He's the guy coming up on stage right now so spontaneously for this super-spontaneous moment of ha ha forgiveness, except that Jermaine is such a diva, he can't even laugh. What an idiot. Michael should stuff him into a compost pile.

TIM URBAN: Tim has a very catlike upper lip and also fangs, do you see this? And rained-on skater hair. In his photo shoot, he pulls a wacky-dacky pose jumping up in the air with his arms out. Like hey look at me with mah sweaty-sweaty armpits! And the gag is, he actually has big sweaty armpits! HA! Tim sings "Apologize" by One Republic, and the gag here is that he actually has, like, no falsetto register. At all. So it's like "It's too late to apologize! It's too late! It's too late to apologize! It's too late!" Where the greyed out words are actually little mouse squeaks. Recognize that there were multiple vocal coaches, producers, directors, and other bozos that okayed this song choice and this performance. The judges shred him and he admits it was a last minute switch. I thought Randy clarified last night that they weren't supposed to sing songs that made their voices sound bad. He should have mentioned this includes songs that they actually physically cannot sing because sounds that come out of mouths do not magically happen just because you really need them to. You have to make them down in your throat, and if the song calls for a sound that your throat cannot create, you end up standing their like a supreme doucheface, squeaking and wishing.

Hey, Edward Cullen is on Lost now!

JOE MUNOZ: If Ellen Degeneres was a small, Mexican man Joe Munoz would be that small Mexican man. As it is, he's just another black-eyed man the size of a jockey in a fringed scarf singing "You and I Both" by someone I don't know. He sings adequately, putting him right on the top of the pile for the night. Ellen congratulates him for being comfortable on stage, and surprises nobody by liking the performance. She says, "I think people are going to look at you and say 'He can sing, and he's comfortable on stage' and vote for you." Yeah, because here on American Old Sandals, we look for people who "can sing." Note: Joe is a lip-licker, and that will get more significant as the season wears on. I predict that by April, if I haven't killed myself yet and Joe is still on the show, I am recommending Clorox chapstick.

TYLER GRADY: Thank you, Tyler Grady, for being an actual entertainer. I enjoyed your fun, relaxed rendition of "American Woman" and I think the audience did too. No winking, no glory notes, no runs, no nerves. It sounded good, he worked the stage, and he was as authentic as a person singing a 45 second song can be. I think the main reason I hated him in the audition shows was that his skin was so relentlessly freakin' shiny that it hurt my eyes. The judges told him he was all style and no substance, and demand that he brings it into this decade. Because they haven't spent weeks telling people to know who they are and stay true to that. Tyler doesn't look too bothered, but promises he will go to the mall if voted through. Great.

LEE DEWYZE: Lee looks apologetic, as usual, for breathing the air. He is a constipated, resentful version of Elliot Yamin -- remember that guy? Lee sounds pretty cool for about half of his performance of "Chasing Cars." If you close your eyes you can almost forget he's a hunchy little troll. I can see him singing something Daughtry-ish, but I can also see him grabbing a bone from the carcass in the road and scampering back under the the porch to gnaw on it. All of the judges but Simon chastise him. Lee stands there pulling on the hem of his shirt like a dork. Shifting from foot to foot, he then charms the hair clips off America with his unpretentious answers to Ryan's dumb questions -- he is having the best time of his life and he never wants this feeling to end. I almost start to think he's kind of cool, and that his story arc will involve him coming out of this shirt-pulling shell and being a star. Then I feel manipulated and resentful, and I snarl at passers-by.

JOHN PARK: John sings "God Bless the Child." As Ryan announces it, I feel like calling out... No, John, no. You must not sing that song! How could it work? I don't know what I was expecting to come out of his mouth when he opened it, but what did come out was something bad. Something bizarre-o, because John Park has absolutely no accent when he is speaking. What happened to him when he sang was a mystery. It almost sounded like someone with a thick Asian accent trying to sing really jazzy black slang. The judges absolutely hate it (except Ellen, who would like it if the contestants squeezed a glop of poo out the bottom of their pants and then sat on it). John shames them by sharing that for him, the song is about his parents, and how they worry about money, and how the reason he is here is because of that song. Ok, he doesn't have to go home this week.

MICHAEL LYNCHE: Big Mike! The guy who skipped the birth of his child to compete in American Idol! This competition must mean everything to him! Enough that he certainly wouldn't show up on stage in a western shirt and jeans and tennis shoes. Oops, seems not. He sings "This Love" by Maroon 5, playing a tiny guitar which we never ever hear. He got through it just fine, and he reads as likeable and cool. The judges ask him to challenge himself more, and say that he shouldn't get cocky. When Simon criticizes him, he snaps back, "Aowww!" then threatened to give Simon some of his arm muscle. Standing next to Big Mike, Ryan Seacrest doesn't look so puffy. Big Mike will be back next week.

ALEX LAMBERT: Alex looks like the male version of that smelly hippie Crystine Bowsentowler, but instead of her ballsy attitude, he's got tulips for testicles. His goal is to show people that he can perform, as he puts it, that he is "able to." He sings "Wonderful World" which has the worst lyrics ever for an American Idol song pick. Check it:

I've been down so low
People look at me and they know
They can tell something is wrong
Like I don't belong

Staring through a window
Standing outside, they're just too happy to care tonight
I want to be like them
But I'll mess it up again

I tripped on my way in
And got kicked outside, everybody saw...

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now

Yeah. Great lyrics! Who in their right mind would sing this song in a competition? It's like Eeyore's theme song. Bah. Alex looks miserable, hunches up his shoulders, lags behind the beat, and in general dies an awful death on the stage. No joy, no confidence. Ellen compares him to an unripe banana. Alex gives props to the band and reveals this is the third or fourth time he's ever sung in front of people. Endearing but sucky.

CASEY JAMES: Who doesn't want Casey James to do well? He's cool, he's hot, he's a good singer. He has given us no reason to punch him in the face yet, right? He sings "Heaven" by Bryan Adams, sitting on a stool with his guitar (which we can actually hear), and delivers a very decent performance. Yes, he took off his shirt in his audition. Yes, he's had his hair highlighted. Yes, he pronounces it "Lying here in my yarms," but for now I want to believe, okay? I want to believe. The show plays up the whole "Kara is in love with Casey" meme, and Ellen admits that he's going to get votes no matter what, almost admitting that it doesn't matter what he sings. Yes, he will get votes. Casey has a Sawyer thing going on, and a natural swagger. He is hard not to like. GOOD JOB, CASEY. For now, I am on your side.

ANDREW GARCIA: Full disclosure: I really liked this guy coming in. He's rough, cool, short, and looks like the birth control glasses are in this case not an affectation. He sings "We're Going Downtown Sugar" by Fallout Boy. I think the key could be a little lower, the song was a little repetitive, and in general the mix was a little light on bass, but I still like him. The judges like him too, and forgive all in memory of the day he played "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul.

Folks, this week was awful. This is the point in American Idol where we the people always say, "This was really the best you could come up with?" All those stadiums full of people, all those wails and riffs in Hollywood, and these 24 people are really the greatest unsigned vocalists in America? And we scoff and scorn. Luckily, we know that as the competition wears on, we will grow to hate some of them even more, and our current state of bewildered apathy will turn into a fine point of disgust and scorn. Something to look forward to.

Best Performances: Casey James and Lee Dewyze
Worst Performances: Aaron Kelly and Tim Urban
Going Home: Jermaine Sellers and Alex Lambert

Labels: american idol, idol, recap, television

AMERICA! IT'S OUR TURN! TO TAKE THE REINS! OMG! ANOTHER SEASON OF AMERICAN IDOL!

The first segment of tonight's American Idol plays on a weird edge, as if someone moved up the broadcast time by half an hour and didn't tell anyone on set until thirty seconds before they were live. Like someone yanked Randy out of the bathroom and Ryan was off camera tying his shoes. Ellen is scripted to worry about Simon's grabby hands, complete with a "roll tape!" You guys had months to come up with Ellen's first joke, and this was it? Awkward. And boring.

News: There are a bunch of women. Tonight they are going to sing. Are you freakin' kidding me? This is awesome news, and I LOVE THIS SHOW!

Paige Miles: Paige is wearing the first fashion disaster of the season: a lacy homecoming funeral dress with a wide silver leather belt. She has been made up like a zombie, grey paste all over her face, including her lips. Really, I think the makeup artist hates her -- she couldn't possibly look worse if she went and pulled out a handful of whatever is in the drainspout and used it as foundation. She sings "All Right Now" by Free, virtually unaccompanied due to a mixing glitch, or maybe someone quietly laid a large marshmallow directly on top of the band.

The microphone is super sparkly.

Ashley Rodriguez: Ashley looks pretty cool in a white gold jacket, white gold shoes, and fantastically sheer pink lip gloss. Again with no band in evidence, she's just trying to be "Happy" by Leona Lewis. Kara identifies Leona Lewis as the Mariah Carey of "our generation." Eh? Kara is 39. Mariah Carey is 39. Ashley Rodriguez is 21. Leona Lewis is 24. So while Leona Lewis might be the Mariah Carey of Ashley's generation, I'm sorry to report to Kara that the Mariah Carey of her generation (and mine) is... Mariah Carey.

I already forgot both the first two girls. Who were they again?

Janell Wheeler: Janell sings "What About Love?" by Heart and does fine, considering no one can hear the band! Can you not hear the band either, or is it just me? Maybe they're doing this on purpose, so we can really hear the vocals, without the benefit of that pesky instrumentation? Maybe the style in Kara's generation is to have your backing band sound like they're under a dirty mattress, not even trying to get out?

Ryan asks the judges to pontificate about song choice, and Randy suggests the contestants not sing songs that will make their voices sound bad. Brilliant. Look, if anybody doesn't get by now that the way to choose songs that suit your voice is to choose a song that has nothing to do with your voice and then warp the key signature, time signature, volume, and tempo until it is completely unrecognizable, they have not been watching the show. You don't get props from the judges by singing songs. You get props by reinventing songs. We are only waiting to see who from this season will be our exciting reinventor. Which brings us too...


Lilly Scott: Lilly Scott reminds me of that whore character that Rachel Dratch played on 30 Rock. You know, the one that said, "HAPPY VALENTIMES!" Also, she has hair extensions hanging from her ears. Lilly sings "Fixing a Hole" by the Beatles. She oversings it a bunch, but her voice is the only one so far that can stand up to this empty mix -- unaccompanied she's just fine. The judges liked it. I get that she's cool and she sings on pitch, but they go on and on about how different, how authentic, how unique she is. People, she is not original. The judges love the fact that she's indie. Randy points out that while she sounds like Duffy and Lily Allen, it's okay because that's actually who she is. So, when you're blindingly original in a completely derivative way, that means you're authentic. Or something. Lilly makes the "I need glasses" face. Does she look like Tracy Ullman or Rachel Dratch? Tracy Ullman or Rachel Dratch?

Katelynn Epperly: Katelynn hasn't decided whether to cover that mole on her forehead or just let it ride. Some of her interview shots she's tried to cover it, sometimes not. Tonight it is out in full force, like a beacon of authenticity in a world of Duffy wannabes. Except she looks like a young, tarted-up Bernadette Peters. Someone needs to tell Katelynn that you have to spend a lot of money on red lipstick for it to actually be red. Hers is pinked out. She sings "Oh Darlin" by the Beatles with a whole lot of fake angst. She delivers it adequately, despite the fact that half a crow is burrowing into her hair during the performance. Ellen actually says the words, "I liked it a lot." What the hell is the purpose of having judges, seriously? "I liked it a lot"???

Haeley Vaughn: Haeley sings a Disney channel slash porno version of "I Want to Hold Your Hand" wearing a shorted-off wedding dress, complete with a little veil holding thinger in her head and lace white tights. This is definitely *the* visual of the evening, wow. She never stops smiling, through the entire interview segment, song, and critique. Kara responds by calling her "pure." I hated the performance more than anything I've seen on television in the last twenty years. Her chin-digging, the shiny red guitar she couldn't really play -- she sounded and looked like she was on Barney. It made me want to kill everyone in the room and then die myself. Ellen says, "Speaking as someone who likes music, I enjoyed it." Simon agrees with me -- THANK GOD.

Lacey Brown: Wearing a tablecloth over black leggings, a plastic Lacey Brown doll and her lone vapid backup singer massacre Fleetwood Mac's "Landslide." They slip and slide around every single note up and down the scale like a couple of limp trombones. It was sickly and sad, riddled with the kind of knowing, you-and-me-baby eye contact that contestants seem to think will provoke people to vote. Her lip gloss looks fantastic though. Do we have to hear from every judge? It's like a chore getting through them all, takes much longer than the performance itself.

Michelle Delamor: She interviews that the most exciting thing about this experience is that her family is there with her. Maybe her family normally ignores her or runs away from her when she comes near. Must be special, getting all this attention from them. She sings "Falling" by Alicia Keyes, and it sounds like someone has fixed the mix a little bit, but it's still deadly boring. I don't remember anything about her from Hollywood week or auditions... do you? She certainly has a lot of teeth. The judges give mild praise.

Didi Benami: She fondly remembers singing "Terrified" for Kara, and reports cutely that her Idol journey has been emotional and spiritual. Gross! She needs her head slammed in a book, before she can experience one more inchoate emotion. She sings "The Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson, and she's wearing a crocheted rainbow vest. Sounds comfortable, quirky, and for once a little understated -- I actually like it. Simon accuses her of trying to sound like Duffy, and misses a spark. Then we make our death march down the line of judges where they all say the same thing, one after the other, all down the line. Why do we have four judges? We could just have four barking dogs, or four people leaping into different colored pools of water, or four bells ringing. It would be faster.

Siobhan Magnus: Throughout the audition process, she was unbeautiful, long on teeth and short on polish. She cleans up, however, pretty well in a black shirt dress, with a magnolia behind her ear. Someone has taken a stern stance on her eyebrows and attacked them with a mower. She sings "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak, which shows remarkable restraint, and she pulls it out like a pro. There was almost no audible back-up, but it's okay. Nothing to be ashamed of in this performance, and that's saying something.

Crystal Bowersox: Crystal interviews that the reason someone as obviously cool as she is deigned to try out for a low, greasy-hamburger-and-fries show like American Idol, even though she's all indy and shit and awesome and can like play the harp and has dreads, is because she has a son. She adds, "Mama needs a bigger paycheck." She sings "One Hand In My Pocket" by Alanis Morisette, and right in the middle she gasps and pulls on the harmonica some. Simon calls her bullshit, and points out there are 10,000 girls capable of doing that song that way. He recommends she do something original, and she whines that the show doesn't allow originals. Then everyone on the show falls down at her feet and froths and foams, begging her forgiveness and promising to change their whole format to accommodate her. Simon rushes off to consult with another executive, and when he comes back, they let her win the show, right now, tonight, just because she is so real. Or, they ignore her comment and tell her to sing David Bowie. Oh piss me a river, dreadlots. You sold your soul; don't pretend you still own your music.

Katie Stevens: Katie reminds us that she is young, has a grandmother, and that we care about her. It wouldn't be the semifinals without am attempted haunting via heartfelt rendition of "You Know How I Feel" by Michael McBubble, so here we go. Katie tries winking and shoulder-shaking, and it looks like a middle schooler doing karaoke. If I'm listening to her, it's not that ridiculous, but as soon as I open my eyes, I'm ready to decapitate her. It was cutesy, weird, and ultimately it was unbrave, and that's what was wrong with it. It was timid. Simon calls it pageanty, but Kara points out that if she'd killed the song, he wouldn't be saying that. That's true. She didn't kill it.

This has been another show on my television. Now, vote for your favorite.

Here is something I must say: Ellen follows everything with "You're great." Ellen should be fired right away. She's not funny, she's not insightful, she keeps on talking. Also, if you want to hear how the show was supposed to be mixed, listen to the reminder clips at the end of the show -- they have the balance right at last.

Best performance: Didi Benami and Siobhan Magnus
Worst performance: Haeley Vaughn and Lacey Brown
Going home: Paige Miles and Michelle Delator

Labels: american idol, recap, television

America, there are three white guys standing before you. But you only hold two photographs in your hand. Only two of them will go on in the hopes of becoming America's Next Top Douchepouch. Which one will you choose?

You know, now that we're here, now that we're staring down the finale, I'm thinking maybe you should scrape the stage clean and start over, America. These puppets' felt noses are starting to pill. Their bright little jackets are frayed. As they stand there, shifting from foot to foot, showing their teeth, I realize I'm truly more interested in the commercials for Glee Club than I am in the show tonight. The contestants remaining are all treasured little darlings of the judges. They are predictable, solid performers who have nothing left in them besides obedience. Convenient, because this is the week they sing songs the judges have chosen for them. Three singers, four judges -- Randy and Kara have to collaborate.

DANNY GOKEY: For Danny, Paula chooses "Dance Little Sister" by Terence Trent D'Arby. Wow, I can't think of a less current song or a less relevant artist. Gokey sings it with moist scatting and damp foot-kicking and comes down to goofily play up to the judges like it's his farewell song. If James Brown married a beetle larvae and their baby was trying to sing a Terence Trent D'Arby song, that beetle child would be like, Gokey, I owned you just now. Paula and Simon get into some kind of wrestling match that results in Simon having a big smear of tan makeup directly over his right tit during the rest of the show.

KRIS ALLEN: Kara and Randy have chosen "Apologize" by One Republic. They predict that it will show his range, and his "dark melodic beauty." Unfortunately he proves completely incapable of hitting that high note. You know the one that recurs about a million times throughout the song? Totally inadequate voice for this assignment. He goes to a lower note, thrums simple chords on the piano, and looks beaten and a little stoned. Kara and Randy are disappointed that he didn't just come out on the stage with an acoustic guitar and sing it straight. The elephant in the room farts and bellows: "HELLO! HE CAN'T HIT THAT HIGH NOTE. WERE YOU LISTENING? ASS?" Simon: "Kara, I don't think you can blame him for the song, when you picked it." Kara: "Don't tell me about interpreting songs. Have you ever interpreted a song in your life?" Puff puff huff huff. They argue about whether he interpreted it right.

ADAM LAMBERT: Simon has chosen "One" by U2 for Adam to sing. Adam turns in a bizarre and unsavory performance. It starts low, sounding a bit like a song from Cats. Adam turns in a few very sweet and surprising notes. I'm thinking, damn, if he keeps it kinda creepy and low like this, he's going to blow me away. But then he starts belaying it, slaying it, and fileting it. He goes higher, squealier, squintier, and then unrolls his gruesomely long tongue, and ruins it. Completely. The judges love it with deep abiding love. I kinda just hate it. Adam reminds us kindly that the lyrics in the song are really beautiful. Yeah, but you delivered them like the front man of an eighties hair band. Sorry, Adam.

After we come back from the break, Ryan lets us know that in the last two years Idol has raised $140 million for Africa, and really, everyone feels like that's enough. No "Idol Gives Back" this year. Idol is resuming its policy of only taking. What a relief! Africa is grateful for the mosquito nets it got.

DANNY GOKEY: Did you forget last week that Danny Gokey's wife is dead? Well she is. Completely dead. And he *really* loved her too. Isn't that sad?

KRIS ALLEN: Kris Allen, allowed to make his own song choice now, chooses "Heartless" by Kanye West. I've heard Kanye's version on SNL, and on the radio, and I strangely like it, although this is not usually my thing. Kris Allen's version was actually really cool! He did it completely straight, with just the acoustic guitar and his own voice. It was very good. The judges love it. I love it. It's Kris Allen! Maybe he can bump out Gokey to edge into the finals. I hope so.

ADAM LAMBERT: Adam sings "Cryin'" by Aerosmith. He picked it because he can. He sang it because once he had called everyone there, worked out the arrangement, led the judges to expect something magical, invited a throng of people with hand-lettered signs, he had to go ahead and deliver. No one was surprised. The judges predict he will be in the finals, but Simon takes the time to remind us to vote, vote, vote for the white man in the leather jacket, who looks like he owns it, who looks like he can be the next gay rock star that girls can't wait to fuck.

This season it seemed like the producers might have wanted an Amy Winehouse, a Duffy, a funky edgy girl Idol. But failing that, they'll take another rocker. Whatever.

Best performance: Kris Allen's "Heartless"
Worst performance: Adam Lambert's "One"

Going home: PLEASE GOKEY PLEASE

Labels: adam lambert, american idol, danny gokey, idol, kris allen, recap, top three

Say hi to your judges! Hi, judges! Randy points heavenward as if to say, "It's not about me, it's about God." Then he confusingly gives the UK version of the middle finger, as if to say, "Go eff yourself, America." No, the sign for peace is not a palindrome. When you turn it around it means something else. Kara in a pink homecoming dress, Paula in a floral cardigan, and Simon in an undershirt. Tra la la, isn't it all wonderful? Do we have to sit through six confused amateurs, poorly produced and ludicrously dressed to get to some Lambert?

LIL ROUNDS: Lil sings Chaka Khan's "I'm Every Woman." She's wearing a black spandex cat suit and a super funky wig. The judges have been trying to get her to sing something like this for weeks, but then they hate her for it. Yeah, okay, it was a steamy mess. Only Paula throws her a bone, saying she had laryngitis yesterday and has made an amazing recovery. As Lil listens to the judges' comments, she crumples like a dropped puppet. Then Simon says she's going home for sure -- this is her last week. Someone from the crowd yells angrily and the camera shows us some variety of Rounds relative who is saying unmentionable, I'm pretty sure, to the lip-readers in the audience. Poor Lil. Pimped early, dropped late.

KRIS ALLEN: Kris sings "She Works Hard for the Money" with a Latin folk vibe. Oh my goodness, somebody has changed up a genre! How shocking! They even drag out that drum that you sit on to play it, and bring all the percussion right downstage. Kris sings kinda like a fuzzheaded little cat or something. Sometimes he yawns and a note comes out. Kara repeats the perpetual lie with her overworked, ruthlessly articulating lips, "Oh, wow, you took a HUGE risk with that performance! And it paid off BIG TIME." Yeah, a giant risk. Because last year's winner failed utterly in switching genres on songs. And this year's front runner is having terrible trouble with his "Looky, I made it my own" performances. So yeah, big risk. Trust me, when they bring out the drum you sit on, accusations of blistering originality are right around the corner.

DANNY GOKEY: Danny sings "September" in a super dorky way. You know what, it just feels like everyone has given up. They're done. They're on the tour. Lambert is the winner. They don't even care anymore, they just want to get to the part where they get a few weeks off to take horse tranquilizers and lie around. Gokey's dancing is just beyond laughable. Gruesome even. When they go to "Danny's friends and family" the camera picks out four undead girlbots in sundresses. Who are these people? The camera visits them again and again. Are they more Cheesecake Factory conquests? Danny has an entourage that takes its ranch vinaigrette on the side. They droop and leer at the camera. The judges fawn and gush about him. Kara's lips disengage from her body, crawl down her front, swing out from the microphone and land on Gokey's scruffy chin, grabbing for purchase among his weedy little beard scraps, and landing at last on his pink, thin mouth hole. We know the judges love Danny.

ALLISON IRAHETA: Allison arrives on the stage riding a glistening chrome staircase illuminated with red bulbs and bathed in the glow of the fiery jumbotrons. She is a rocker! Take a memo! They're trying to help her out of the bottom three, I guess, but then Randy says, "You're one of the best singers in this competition." Really? One of the best? There are only seven left. Out of like thousands, hundreds, dozens, etc. So, really, one of the best -- that's overwhelmingly generous. The judges quibble. Do they like the arrangement? Or not? Who cares. They drag out the old lauds and honors -- she's authentic, she's genuine, she's real.

We are going to commercial BUT -- THERE IS ADAM LAMBERT! He's in the crowd -- I see his HEAD! I see his smiling head all wreathed in hair product and favoritism!

ADAM LAMBERT: Adam is pinching off a little Elvis tonight, and I totally want that snake ring on his pinky finger, microphone hand. He sings a really tortured, eye squeezing, look-at-my-pulsing-soul-seething-with-angst version of "If I Can't Have You." An unremarkable song that has now has all of the corpuscles wrung out of it forcibly, in the meaty fists of our favorite son. The judges froth and foam. Kara shakes her head in fake, contrived disbelief. By the way, Kara shouldn't wear her haid pulled back -- it makes her look like a fetal monkey. The kids love it. Paula confesses tearfully that she could feel Adam's pain. Simon calls it brilliant. Whatever! I didn't actually like it that much. So!

MATT GIRAUD: Matt bores the shit out of everyone with a predictable, crotch-touching, Whiny McPulerson version of "Stayin' Alive." Randy searches around for something mildly inaudible to say, and decides to opine that this group of seven is one of the most talented groups they've ever had. Oh, really? Out of seven groups, this is *one of the* most talented? I'm overcome with awe. Matt in a black straw fedora and burgundy leather jacket. Just the most completely unattractive man I have ever seen. Just that.

ANOOP DESAI: Anoop sings "Turn Down the Lights." I don't understand the song, the pink v-neck sweater under the taupe business suit, the judge's comments, or the show itself anymore. I am utterly, completely bored by Anoop, to the point that I clicked away from this window to investigate an incoming mail alerting me to a auto-thanks-for-the-follow-DM on Twitter. Just to see if maybe there was anything else there besides the autothanks. Equivalent of changing channels to watch the channel guide.

BEST PERFORMANCE: I didn't like any of them.
WORST PERFORMANCE: Matt Giraud.
GOING HOME: Matt Giraud and Lil Rounds

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, top seven

Apparently Tarrantino is a genuine Idol fan. Well, kids, it's been a long time since I thought about Quentin Tarrantino at all. How about you? I did see that unlikely bit of movie where the girl flops around on the hood of a car. I also saw the snowy scene in one of the Kill Bills -- that was pretty memorable. I think the last time I actually laid eyes on his physical person was that scene in Four Rooms where he cuts of his finger, or some other person's finger. Tarrantino is aging kind of angular. But also doughy and full of sweat. Like that guy from Office Space who is missing his paycheck. Oh I know, yes, I understand the significance of QT. But he is, to quote a movie he did not direct, so fucking eager.



ALLISON IRAHETA: Quentin Tarrantino's mentoring for Allison was beyond genius: "Okay, that was good, but now I want you to sing it again while I'm sitting in a chair." According to him, that did the trick in rehearsal. Unfortunately for Allison, in spite of many many people in chairs in front of her during her performance, she still smelled a little off. There was *one note* that was good, and that's all she could muster. The rest was kind of tired, like she was up late last night, threw on a shirt dress over some red pants, and rolled onto stage. Paula loved her, and Simon calls her the girl's last hope.

Commercial break: If you cut your shower down by two minutes, you can give a needy child a pair of shoes.

ANOOP DESAI: I feel confused that Anoop is still on the show. My confusion is not assuaged by Anoop's outfit tonight: a suit jacket with leather varsity jacket sleeves grafted onto it. Maybe Anoop is still around to promote someone's weird zombie-prep clothing line? Tarrantino earnestly requests that Anoop deliver "Look Into My Eyes" by Bryan Adams (yes, Bryan Adams) with a little grit, a little urgency, a little heart. Anoop decides to go with the castrated spaniel delivery instead, the only thing bold about him is ignoring Tarrantino's advice. Dan says, "I hope Tarrantino goes up on stage and cuts his head off." The judges loved it.

ADAM LAMBERT: Adam wows Tarrantino in practice. He is just really looking forward to the performance. No criticism. Adam sings, "Born to be Wild." They're giving him, dude, seriously, such better arrangements, such better mixing, there were effects on his vocal that no one else gets -- it is kind of sad really for the other people, not that they deserve anything better. Paula: "You dare to dance in the path of greatness. Fortune rewards the brave, and you're one of the bravest contestants I've ever witnessed, ever." Wow.

COLORLESS MOLE: It's Bryan Adams night! Tonight on Idol! Matt sings "Tell me if you ever really really luhved a wuhmuhn?" Tarrantino was like, "Colorless Mole, I never really have. I'm afraid of them, a little bit. But I'm okay with that. And don't lose the lyric." Matt just makes me kind of ill. The judges aren't in love. Kara mysteriously criticizes him for choosing a rock song? Matt nervously bites his lip and rubs his meaty thigh.

DANNY GOKEY: Gokey is going to sing "Endless Love" either to his dead wife or maybe to that girl Pam he was going to hook up with at the Cheesecake Factory? No, it's to his dead wife, as he underscores by looking up (into heaven) at the end of his song. Oh, the brutal vote-baiting. Brutal. Gokey is going full in on the dead wife treatment, since Lambert is so undeniably winning the YouTube battle. In the tape, Tarrantino had something really interesting to say. He points out that with a really emotional song like this, hand gestures and arm waving can kind of dissipate the intensity. He instructs Danny to sing it with his hands in his pockets, and let all the emotion come out his face. Well, I dunno if he managed to do it in rehearsal, but in his performance, he's waving and gesturing like he's trying to beat off bees. Seems like another great time for Tarrantino to decapitate someone, but... he is probably still a fan. The judges love the Gokey of it all.

KRIS ALLEN: Is he still here? He's singing a song I haven't heard from the movie "Once," which I haven't seen. He makes kind of a mess of it. It's one of those Scrubs-type songs. He does a lot of falsetto and a lot of wandering around the pitch looking strained and as if he's possibly dying. Total fail.

LIL ROUNDS: Lil is going to sing "The Rose." Again, Tarrantino actually has really good advice, and a good violent analogy too. I had my doubts with the whole "Let's try it with me in a chair" routine, but he's actually been way more useful than the musical icon mentors on this season. Lil sings all over the place, very wobbly and desperate. Now look at her on stage: that stupid magenta light, one spot, light rock arrangement, the usual. Whereas Adam Lambert gets chorused, reverbed, strobe lights, head-banging back-up singer, the works. Poor Lil. She coulda been there.

Best Performance: Let's just say, for the sake of variety, Adam Lambert.
Worst Performance: Kris Allen
Going Home: Kris Allen

I could be totally wrong, but I think Lil is still safe.

Labels: adam lambert, american idol, quentin tarrantino, recap, summary, top seven

It's baby picture night as the Idols sing hits from the year they were born. In a long, awkward, interesting-only-to-them sequence, we see baby pictures of the judges and Ryan. Wow, embarrassing. They used to be BABIES, everyone! Tee hee! Babies! What, no mentors again? Doesn't any other aging superstar have an album to pimp? No?



DANNY GOKEY: Danny sings a 1980 version of "Stand By Me" -- cheater. It's Lite FM all the way, first with strings and then with wo-wo-wos and bongos. Paula is dancing! The screen behind him matches his shirt! He's almost scatting, and I don't mean jazz stylings, I mean what you call bear poop when you're hanging out with Aragorn. The judges reused their comments from the last four shows. Danny Gokey is so awesome!

KRIS ALLEN: Kris' mother opines mysteriously, "We'd be just as happy as if his dream was to be a taxi cab driver." Unpack THAT sentence, Seacrest. Kris is going to sing "All She Wants to Do is Dance." Am I officially old when I can remember roller skating to the songs from the years these kids were born? Whatever. Kris has planted himself in the middle of the crowd just like Matt Giraud did last week, so there's a little knot of excited, brightly-lit women clustered around him and his electric guitar. In spite of all this pheromonic activity, the song is utterly bloodless. Kara says it sounds like "jazz funk homework" -- for once, I find her very perceptive. Paula calls him likeable. OUCH.

LIL ROUNDS: Lil takes her tape time to clarify that her name is Lil Rounds. Revelatory. Then she emerges in a leather vest and completely ridiculously amazing shoes and proceeds to rip the bowels out of "What's Love Got to Do With It?" After she's gutted it, the band drains its blood and leaves it in a mall parking lot. The arrangement sounds like the background music for a puzzle video game, you know one where the shapes fall peacefully from the top of the screen and little colored baubles congregate or quietly explode or disappear or whatever. Paula didn't like it, called it karaoke. Simon called it copycat, and said we've lost Lil.

ANOOP DESAI: Anoop apologizes onstage for the completely shocking and offensive behavior he exhibited last week during his critique. Wait, I don't remember anything about this, and I was there, oh, was I there? He says he was not being himself and he is just mortified and ashamed. Nobody seems to remember it, even Kara, who was the victim of his forgettable transgression. Anoop sings Cyndi Lauper in a spring green cardigan. It's "True Colors" but as if John Mayer was singing it, with John Mayer's nose stuffed with chewing gum. Whatever. The judges like it. Really, not a bit of that song was in tune. Paula: "You did show your true colors, and it was like a rainbow." Wow.

Hey, fuckers, don't vote til the end of the show! Or we'll come after you!

SCOTT MCINTYRE: Scott appears with an electric guitar and an amp, and sings, "The Search is Over" by Survivor, from 1985. Okay, American Idol, I give up. You found me. At least you found where I was at 13. I love this song, and I always will, and it has to do with a very intense tweeny crush and high school gym class, and this is not something I can control or explain, okay? It's irrational, like most of high school was. This song, on the radio, can still make me get all kinda dreamy and faraway. OKAY I ALSO FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT "THE GLORY OF LOVE" BY PETER CETERA. Now you know. So go ahead and poke a stick in my soft, fluffy underbelly. Scott's guitar-playing is awful and the mix is so dire the twangy guitar sound just kind of sits on top of the rest of the band. The judges hate it, and I think, now, that Scott should definitely win this whole show.

ALLISON IRAHETA: I didn't listen to Allison's tape, I was too busy trying to ascertain if it's really been 24 years since that Survivor song was a hit. Ow. She appears with freshly pinked-out hair and sings "I Can't Make You Love Me" by Bonnie Raitt -- a dangerous song choice for someone who's spent a little time in the bottom three recently. This is one of those songs it's easy to go out singing. Yet year after year they always sing it. The arrangement is elderly, the delivery is rough, the song is boring and inappropriate. The judges rave and scream about how original she is, how she reminds them of Kelly Clarkson, how she made it her own, how it was so young and vibrant. Allison looks confused, as if she knows something's fishy in this pond. Kara says, and I quote, "Let's go make a record!"

MATT GIRAUD: The funnest words ever: "Let's go back to 1985 and learn a little bit more about Matt!" Actually, it does turn out to be funny: We see footage of Matt being a saucy angel in a school play. What a little eye-roller! Then he sings "Part Time Lover" by Stevie Wonder. More scatting, this time in a fedora. Randy says, "Vocally, one of the best of the night." Faint praise, considering what's come before him. Paula and Kara make up for it by screaming and fist-pumping and stampeding around their desk making wildebeest noises. Gross.

There's only one Idol left! The only one that matters. Unfortunately my DVR cut off at 9:01 and I do not know what Adam Lambert did or did not do. It's a pimp spot backfire! Classic!

Best performance: I'm tempted to say Adam Lambert but my honest heart demands that I say Scott McIntyre. Come on, did anyone else have a special memory attached to this miserable excrescence of a song? Dammit.

Worst performance: Anoop Desai

Going home: Allison Iraheta

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, television, top eight

This is their moment! Paula is wearing awesome pink bling! Kara is smiling with her mouth hanging open! Someone in the audience is distractedly pulling the limbs off a child!


Tonight is More Money for ITunes week! The Idols will be mentored by the equipment in the studio where they tape Ryan's radio show (it's the show that Dick Clark started!) where Ryan demonstrates how he says, "This is American Idol!" into a microphone. Wow, at the push of a button, music comes out of the speaker! It's like magic, but really predictable unawesome magic. This week, our singers can pick any song that's popular on ITunes, with "popular" defined as "available."

ANOOP DESAI: Anoop sings an Usher song. Who is Usher? Is he that cartoon dog with the square head? Anoop is wearing a grimly ill-fitting black suit with the collar turned up. The epaulets are made of Rainbow Brite puffy stickers, all in a row, and there's a chain around one armpit. His shirt has a Care Bear on it (the one with the raindrops on its gut). I don't know the song, I don't want to be glared at by Anoop, and I have a feeling the backup singers could give us a better show than this horse's ass. What a staggering tool is Anoop Desai. What a quivering, gelatinous mass of toolage is this eyebrow waggler. The judges are unimpressed. Anoop defends himself by clarifying that their opinions are their opinions, adding that his butt has a hole in it, like most other people's butts, and that he wants to be an R&B artist. He is wearing a sparkly dog tag when he says all this. Can anyone else make sense of this man's wardrobe? It just mystifies me, but not in a good way, in a, like, how did the corpse of a hedgehog get stuck in my garbage disposal way.

Tom Colicchio wants me to keep it simple. I do not want Listerine to do six things. Just one thing.

Shock: Every song you hear is available on ITunes!

MEGAN JOY: Megan doesn't care, she's singing Bob Marley's "Turn Your Lights Down Low." This is finally, she says, a song she really loves. She sings it in her own special twitchy gutteral way, channeling Katherine Hepburn and also that lady at the old folks' home that won't shut up and keeps looking at you with that knowing wink, like, we understand each other. But you don't know her. And she smells like cabbage. Megan (not the hypoethetical old lady) is wearing chains and necklaces all over her collarbones, a teal corset top, and jeans. Kara doesn't like it. Paula suggests she sit on a stool with a spotlight and sing a sensitive ballad that rips the heart out of everyone. Simon calls it boring and indulgent. Randy says it took forever. They encourage her to sing Amy Winehouse, Duffy, and Adele.

DANNY GOKEY: Danny tells Randy that last week he had to sing his fifth choice of song. This is not the first time, this season, that Idols have referenced the song choice process, and suggested that they aren't completely in control of the song they sing. It's almost like you start questioning the way they're grilled and blamed about song choice every week, but then you don't, because the shiny lights are so sparkly, you forget about it. He sings "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts. Maybe the mix is off tonight -- everyone sounds kind of wobbly and dim. Danny never quite finds the pitch or the beat. The song is another reminder that his wife died, and that is pretty sad, but... if he sings "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, he is fired. This is the last "my wife died" song of the season. The next one he sings, the floor opens up and he gets dropped into the basement full of wolves and scary clowns. The judges love him. He responds in his squinty oh-golly way.

ALLISON IRAHETA: Allison practices the guitar in her tape, and we get to see her chewed, wrecked, nasty black fingernail polish. Endearing. She appears in a deconstructed prom dress and Pat Benatar hair, awkwardly stumbles through the first guitary part of "Don't Speak" by No Doubt, with the guitar. Then she flips it around to the back to rasp through the song holding the microphone. The guitar was a mistake. I hate this song. Allison looks like a muppet. No one can understand her clothes. Simon calls it "dressy-uppy." Allison is actually a 45 year old mother of three, she works in telemarketing, smoke three packs of Camels a day, and vacuums her trailer in heels. Vote!

SCOTT MCINTYRE: Don't go changing to try and please him. You've never let him down before. Just lead him over to the piano, so he can smile in your general direction. Scott has new fancy George Michael hair and jacket, and sings Billy Joel. I want to believe he is wearing a t-shirt under there. He is, right? The piano is bangy, the singing is loungey, and his sister is so excited she's bouncing out of her headband. Kara loves the eighties hair. Paula is proud. Simon calls it his best performance. I have been told to stop making fun of the blind guy, so... I will say nothing about the waving. The weird zombie waving. But if you saw the show, you know.

I do not like the overdubbed exaggerated eating sounds on Hardee's commercials.

MATT GIRAUD: Matt reminisces about being in the bottom three last week. No one cares at all. We're just waiting for him to get voted off and then release some precious little album on some sweaty little label and someone will call it "Intense!" and then he will go back to playing standards in a piano bar. Dear Matt, if you have to wear outerwear onstage, do yourself the favor of buying a jacket that fits. "Fits" means the sleeves go at least down to your wrists. Jackets that do not go down to your wrists do not "fit." Ill-fitting jackets counteract intensity. All Best, LYDIA. Matt sings a song by The Fray (you know, like in Scrubs!), with the keyboard set up in the middle of the crowd. The judges say it's like that horrible time he sang Coldplay, and that he needs to choose between the rock side of pop and the R&B side. Between the resentful glow of his colorless mole and the apologetic sheen of his giant pink gums, I don't know what to think either.

LIL ROUNDS: Lil has chosen "I Surrender" by Celine Dion, and between her rained on hair and her aging diva gown, she seems like she's going to play it completely boring. She sings it straight Celine for about the first half and then she lets it rip a little bit, funking it up Lil style. Pretty strong -- I was impressed. The judges don't want her to be adult contemporary, though. They want her to stay young. Ryan brings Lil's daughter to Randy so she can punch him for the criticism, but she gives him a big, adorable hug and Lil cries. That should be good for a few thousand votes.

ADAM LAMBERT: Adam is singing my favorite song, "Play That Funky Music (White Boy)" tonight. He does it kinda Lenny Kravitz, but more Aerosmith. Lots of screaming and tongue-waggling and strobe lighting. Whatever! Okay, it's a super-cheesy song, and there is NO WAY on earth to do it without cheese. Adam does cheese in a way that acknowledges the corniness and then flips it up. The judges like it. It's really weird that he chose it, given that he could have chosen, apparently, anything in the whole world, but yeah. He says he had fun and salutes the band.

KRIS ALLEN: Kris confesses that he is trying to make one of those special moments with "Ain't No Sunshine." Kris, don't you know, when you want to make one of those special moments, you need a string quartet on stage with-- oh, there's the string quartet! Awesome! The moment should be along any moment now -- WOOPS, there it is! He knows, he knows, he knows, he knows. The performance is strained, full of anxiety, like if a chimp got up on stage to play the keyboard, and we all sat there kind of listening to the chimp play the piano, but mostly just worrying that he was going to poop or something. The chimp did not poop but he also didn't blow it out the box metaphorically. Kara has three words for him: "That is artistry." Wow, did you really need "That is"? You could have just given him one word. They really want to keep this fuzzheaded poser in the competition -- they gave him the pimp spot and a string quartet, and yet he still comes off like someone's earnest, nervous brother who wonders if you got a chance to listen to his demo yet.

Best performance: My newly refurbished icemaker.
Worst performance: Anoop Desai

Going home: Matt Giraud

It seems like Anoop has some kind of voting mojo that we mere mortals cannot understand. He should have been gone after "Beat it" and yet, here he is. Megan, also, has a strong fan base. Matt is a lame poser -- he was a wild card, nobody likes him, and I think this is his week to damply depart.

Related posts: American Idol

Labels: adam lambert, american idol, itunes, recap, summary, top nine

Are the judges to enjoy their big dramatic entrance every episode now? That wasn't just a special treat for them at the beginning of the finals? Look. They are not basketball stars. They are not game show contestants. They are people that sit in chairs, and sitting in a chair does not require a big spotlit entrance parade. Okay? Actually, Paula looks really awesome tonight in a tutu -- and straightened hair. She's making Kara look kinda washed out and elderly, in that get-up. Go Paula.


Hey, it's Motown night! Would anyone know if they reused the old montage from past years' Motown nights? I doubt it. The idols met Barry Gordy in the real actual Motown (museum) and then accessed Smoky Robinson for some mentoring. Smokey Robinson visits the Idol house, which has a winding stair and sparkling gold railings. The Idols

Matt Giraud: Since Matt doesn't please us, let's pretend that Matt's colorless mole, so unremittingly central on his forehead, will sing tonight's Motown song, "Let's Get It On." Would you, viewer, get it on with Matt's colorless mole? Would anyone? Should Matt's colorless mole go bark up some other tree? It is soulful, but it is colorless. It has a vein right underneath it that pounds with Motown passion on the woo-hoos. Can a colorless mole ever truly know love?

Matt is wearing a navy blue cardigan, a button down shirt and tie, and the most gruesomely ill-fitting black jeans ever stone-washed. The boy has a big butt, and more importantly, big thighs. We need to either decrease the size of his ass or increase the size of his pants -- is there an iPhone app for that? Eh? Randy loves it. Kara congratulates him on getting up from the piano and walking around, and all of us at home recall the awkward moment last week when Paula asked Scott McIntyre to do the same thing. Paula compares his performance to wearing "a great old pair of worn-in jeans." Simon says his voice is absolutely suited to this kind of song, this is exactly what he should be doing. So, he should be doing songs that are fifty years old. Well hey, Justin Timberlake -- peel that fake colorless mole off your forehead. You have nothing to worry about!

Kris Allen: Smokey Robinson loves Kris Allen. Chris takes the stage in a military style shirt, tan and epauletted, with weird numbers across the shoulders and shirttails. Are those the numbers that will predict the end of the world? Is the secret to moving the island stamped above Kris Allen's nipple? It's like he's a prison camp guard and prisoner at the same time. It's so paradoxically stupid! He sings "How Sweet it is to be Loved By You." It's super-boring and the judges rave about it. They tell him multiple times that he did his own version of the song -- I will tell you that he did not. The arrangement was very James Taylor, very Lite FM, completely predictable. The comments had absolutely nothing to do with the performance. Nothing. They encourage him to have something called "Self Belief."

Someone, tell Scott McIntyre to keep his teeth together when he smiles. I have nothing else to say about that, but if you're reading this and you have his ear, you might mention it to him. He manages to keep his teeth together when talking, he could extend us that courtesy while smiling.

Scott McIntyre: Scott interviews that he is single, and waiting for the perfect fit, so he can relate to his song. Smokey Robinson thinks he's absolutely fantastic. I think he might do better with women if he wasn't wearing pink pants and a paisley shirt. Hey, he might! He sings "You Can't Hurry Love" in a fidgety, twitchy style -- kind of like if a wildebeest on crack sat down at the piano and started banging on it and panting. Dreadfully cheesy rendition, too fast, too jittery, too reminiscent of a bovine mammal. Paula loved it, but Simon and Randy were underwhelmed. Kara praised his tempo. Something happened I didn't quite get, and then Paula gave Simon a box of 64 crayons and a coloring book. Then this happened:

Scott: You have to vote for the pink pants!
Ryan: How do you know they're pink?
Scott: They told me. But not until ten minutes before the show.

Wow, Ryan! Way to bust this faker! Finally, the "blind" guys is exposed for the liar he is, whoring for votes with his "blindness" and his "visual impairment" and his "bad eyesight." HOW DID YOU KNOW THE PANTS WERE PINK, SCOTT? HUH? I THOUGHT YOU WERE BLIND! Then trying to blame it on his pants being secretive. The idea! Bravo, Seacrest. That's tough investigative journalism. I want to thank you from the bottom of my red American heart for this reassurance that although the newspapers are folding and the nightly news is losing a ratings battle with Judge Judy, tough questions are still being asked in this country. Way to put him on the spot! I have to go immediately and Twitter about this fraud being perpetrated on us viewers. I'm sure it will be all over the internet by morning. Talking pink pants, forsooth!

Megan Joy (CORKREY): Smokey calls Megan half-jazz, half-cabaret. Smokey loves Megan! Wait just a damn minute, Smokey loves everyone! He has not said one critical word. Megan takes the stage in a strapless blue satin dress with a poofy short skirt that has been hemmed by Scott McIntyre. She's wearing a chunky tropical necklace and, bless her warbling heart, flowers in her hair. And ballet flats. She sings "For Once in my Life" in her Megany way, with little hip twists and gutteral strangeness, marching around with shrugs and head wobbles for everyone. She looks like a middle-aged woman drunk on a Cancun vacation. Randy calls it a trainwreck. Kara tells her she could have chosen "My Guy." Paula agrees. Simon calls it horrible. Caw caw!

Anoop Desai: Smokey loves Anoop. Shock fills my soul. My teeth fall out of my head. I need a cocktail and a soft chair. Uh, oh, look out. Anoop is seated on the stage! I feel a falsetto coming on, so hold me down!Folks, they're breaking out the light effect that makes little spotlights swirl around on the stage. And purple lights, yo. The intensity is overwhelming! Fortunately, Anoop is wearing a white shirt and a black tie, then a grey henley sweater, a black jacket with completely confusing red and white striped knit cuffs and collar, and what is with these male idols wearing jackets on stage? It looks completely stupid. The mood is broken. Anoop is all over the place with this song -- never hits the right pitch on the ooo parts and just sucks utterly. He looks very very soulful and serious in the face, to the point that there is a little moisture under his beak. That is completely embarrassing. Kara says it was pretty good, and he has "a skillset." So does the guy that did my kitchen floor, Kara, but we don't want to hear him sing ballads. Paula calls him sweet. Simon calls it good. Randy requests that he "turn it up" next week.

Michael Sarver: Is this lukewarm potato still on the show? Michael reveals that he was sick last week. Michael says he is going to "church it up" which means, he interprets, he will "sing it off the cuff." Smokey actually offers a little critique, encouraging Michael to pound it, and not sweet-talk it. We'll see. I notice that Michael taps his fingers on the microphone like all those girl singers do -- remember Jasmine Trias from years ago? She used to do that, and it was such a weak little girly thing to do. It looks weird on the oil rig dude. Michael's pants have little rips under the back pocket which show faux underpants sticking out. I wonder if the pants didn't tell him about that until ten minutes before the show. Paula says it was too lounge, too Las Vegas. Simon couldn't wait for it to end. Me either.

Lil Rounds: Lil got emotional at the Motown museum. She wants to do this for Martha and Diana and everyone who paved the way. Okay, bring it. She sings "Heat Wave" and has Paula up and dancing in her tutu! Lil looks pretty cool in a flapper dress with really long fringe, a chin-length wig, and sparkling heels and earrings. She seems very extremely comfortable on stage, and while there's nothing really surprising or devastating about the way she sings the song, she has a certain authenticity and charm -- it's winning. Randy was disappointed. Kara says that Lil was the diva that everyone was waiting for, because this was her week. What, because she's black? Really? Paula disagrees, she thinks Lil owned that song. Simon was looking for a moment, and doesn't think she had one. Simon is always talking about "the moment" -- remember with Katherine McPhee and her "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" moment? Fantasia with her "Summertime" moment? He has a point. Lil replies very glibly and diplomatically to mixed criticism until Paula suggests she run for President, and Lil responds, "Obama!" Yeah, Obama. What?

Adam Lambert: Adam sings "Tracks of my Tears" for Smokey with a really red, flushed neck. He says he's nervous and his neck agrees. He's planning to keep it low and sweet through the whole song and Smokey approves. Adam sings his song on the stool, dressed in a silver suit, with slick Elvis hair, accompanied by an acoustic guitar, a string bass, and one of those box drums you sit on. He sounded great, lots of falsetto and interesting melodic interpretation. This kid cannot trip, it seems to me. I think he's made some really aware, really smart decisions. The audience goes crazy. Kara stands in her seat in awe, gasps, claps, and says, "I have six words for you: One of the best performances of the night." Gee, you had to stand up to deliver such faint praise? And also, that was eight words. God, I hate Kara. Paula loves his cleaned-up look. Simon calls it the best performance of the night and calls him an emerging star. Randy calls it "unbelievably hot." I agree. Sorry, but the guy is a solid performer. He is a professional. He's playing chess and the rest of them are playing tiddly-winks. Sorry!

Danny Gokey: Danny has the pimp spot and new glasses! He's going to sing "It's All Right" or "Get Ready" or "Here I Come" or whatever it's called. Smokey helpfully reminds him to sing all the words, and Danny humbly agrees on tape that Smokey is right, and he should sing all the words, but on stage Danny decides to let the background singers sing the "it's all right" and "you're outta sight" parts. Controversy! Betrayal! Defiance! Oh, no one notices. This performance reminds me of his performance of PYT and also whatever he sang last week -- he likes to sing at the top of his lungs and jump around. Whatever, Danny is a poser. Paula says he's undeniable, identifiable, and reliable. Simon calls it clumsy and amateurish.

Oh wait, that wasn't the pimp spot. This show is lasting half my life tonight. Please, let it end.

Allison Iraheta: Allison will sing "Papa was a Rolling Stone" because it will allow her to show her funk side. Smokey predictably approves. Allison funks it up big time! I enjoy her, black lace tights and denim dress notwithstanding! Kara and Paula are out of their seats clapping and pointing. Smokey and Barry are standing too. Randy says it was hot. Kara raves, "You sing like you've been singing for 400 years! That is from God! You can't teach that!" Simon calls it one of her best performances. I agree.

Best performance: Adam and Allison
Worst performance: Anoop and Michael

Going home: Megan. Don't get me wrong -- I love Megan. Anyone who sings like Katherine Hepburn while wearing miniskirt and fruit around her neck is alright in my book. But I think this is the end for her. We can only hope she will pull it out again and send home Anoop or Michael or one of those other boring turds.

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, top ten

Happy St. Patrick's Day. To everyone except Judge Kara, who is wearing silver lame. And when I do not go through the extra keystrokes to give you the accent on the e in lame, to clarify that lame has two syllables and refers to a fabric, rather than one syllable referring to Kara, it is because I don't really feel like it.



Bring out the top 11! Our girl Megan takes the stage rolling her eyes and mouthing a bad word that rhymes with "duck." Seriously, I'm not kidding. It's country week, and that means Grand Ole Opry, Randy Travis, money, Carrie Underwood, and Michael Sarver looking like a boiled sausage. Randy Travis mentors our kids this week, and says spectacularly that this group is "among" the best groups of idols he's seen "during the years he's been watching." Wow. Step back. He predicts it will be an "enjoyable" show. Randy, you're killing me.

MICHAEL SARVER: Michael placidly worries about the many words he has to memorize, but Randy Travis bravely predicts he will do "a good job." Good grief, somebody put a hat on this Randy Travis character! He's letting loose with "good" and "well" and nice" and god help us if he isn't gearing up -- he might go all the way to "pleasant" and "admirable." Michael sings "Ain't Goin' Down 'Til the Sun Comes Up" by Garth Brooks. It's phlegmatic, embarrassing, nose-wrinkly, and the crowd says, "Woo!" Dan says "Did they turn his mike off?" Kara foams at the mouth about his great memorizing ability. She says, "Wow, so many words! How could you do that!!?!?" Yeah, well, you know, the Greeks used to do much more. So. Michael returns that while singing and words and notes are important, country music is about having some fun. Paula: "I thought that your artistic ability to take a harmonica player, it added charm, it boosted your confidence and fun." It takes a lot of artistic ability to take a harmonica player, especially one that's sitting on the edge of the stage and not paying attention. Simon calls it clumsy. Michael returns, "If we were all perfect, we wouldn't need this show." Holy crap.

OH MY GOSH -- ALL THESE SONGS ARE AVAILABLE ON I-TUNES!

ALLISON IRAHETA: Allison sings "Blame it on Your Lying, Cheating, Booger-eating, Mainlining, Yard-gnome-stealing, Dog-inflating, Loving Heart." I have a soft spot for this song because it is featured in "The Thing Called Love" which is one awesome movie. Allison sings it alright, maybe a little shouty, but hey. She looks younger, thinner, like less of a smoker, and in general just perkier than she has looked so far. The judges like it.

KRIS ALLEN: I just realized that this rubbery little kittenhead is trying to pull an Archuleta on us. He doesn't have the skin humidity that Archuleta had, and he doesn't lick his lips with the same reptilian relentlessness, but this is definitely a familiar silhouette. He sings "To Make You Feel My Love" or something by Garth Brooks, sitting on a stool, and making "Buckle your shoes, baby, I'm having a feeling" eyebrows. Gross. Totally like a wedding singer. Paula calls it honest, pure and vulnerable. Simon thought it was "terrific." Randy identified "tender moments." Kris responds, "Good comments are always good." *vomit*

LIL ROUNDS: Lil looks fantastic. It's the jewelry, totally! A really glorious, excellent necklace, love the bracelet, and I can even manage the fuschia cocktail dress with these fantastic accessories. Randy Travis announces, "She's got big pipes on the top end." Lil sings "Independence Day" by Martina McBride. I hate this song; it's the Sean Hannity anthem. It was also one of Carrie Underwood's big moments on Idol. Lil sings it adequately, explaining she wants to stay true to the country genre and not R&B it up too much. It wasn't the greatest performance of her life, but she's not in trouble this week, I don't think. Paula says, "When your voice pierces through, that's why you're one of the obvious favorites." Simon says it looked uncomfortable and persists in calling her "Little." I really love her necklace.

ADAM LAMBERT: Ryan uses the word "antithetical" to describe Adam Lambert and Randy Travis. Yeah. Adam has found a version of "Ring of Fire" that sounds kind of like background music in one of those ancient Sumerian movies, like 300 or Troy or something. The harem scene maybe. He sings the living hell out of it though, including belting out some really high, really crazy notes. Major camera-eye-molesting, though -- remember Constantine and the way he used to make you feel covered in slime just the way he would track the camera around with his one pulsating eye? Yeah. I think he will have safely survived country week without suffering any proximity to a banjo. Kara calls it a little strange. Paula seems to be wearing a wig, and she loved it. Simon thought it was indulgent rubbish. I actually really liked it the more I think about it.

SCOTT MCINTYRE: He sings "Wild Angels" by Martina McBride. The song is too big, he's playing the bare minimum on the piano, and looks terrified. I'm sure he's not, but... he looks like he is. How long are the voters going to keep this guy around? Paula says the piano is a crutch. Simon says, "What do you expect him to do?" Simon says it's a bad song, and Scott says, cryptically, "I lost a lot of hat picks this week." Then he waves his arms around in a confusing way. Scott says he won't be dropping the piano any time soon.

ALEXIS GRACE: Alexis has a beautiful dress on -- I really love this dress. She's singing "Jolene" just like Brooke White did last year. Randy Travis approves, and gives her the "I'd like to frost your cupcake, cupcake" look. She sings a little behind the beat the whole time -- I think Brooke did a way better job with this song last year. The judges don't much like it, except Paula. Alexis, chastened for losing her edge, promises to "dirty it up" next week. Alexis is getting boring.

DANNY GOKEY: Come on now. You can predict this, can't you? Can you guess what song Danny is going to sing? I'll give you a minute to think about what song would really showcase his appeal to small town America. If you guessed, "Jesus Take the Wheel" you are right. He sings this Carrie Underwood hymn in a white parka and clear frames on his glasses, baby. It is impossible to forget, as he stands there in all his earnest piety and friendliness, that we saw "worship music director" under his name during the auditions. The judges have differing opinions on whether he sucks on the verses or not. Everyone agrees that on the chorus he is just all kinds of marvelous.

Are you wondering if Danny Gokey is a tool? Check out this video. Do not miss Michael Carver standing in the background, hoping someone will call *him* on the phone and want to meet up with *him* at the Cheesecake Factory:



ANOOP DESAI: Anoop is worrying Randy Travis with his song choice: "You Were Always On My Mind" by Willie Nelson. I actually love this song, but it reminds me of that movie "Practical Magic" with Nicole Kidman and Sandra Bullock. Hey, nothing wrong with that. If I'm listening to Anoop with my eyes closed, nothing offends me. However, when I open my eyes and look at his facial expressions, his styling, his eyebrows oozing sincerity, and his nervous lips, all the hate comes rushing back. The judges love it.

MEGAN JOY CORKREY: Megan is going to sing "I Go Out Walking After Midnight" and that bothers Randy Travis, who nevertheless finds it totally unique and unexpected. Megan is using some kind of weird voodoo priestess accent -- like, are we getting our fortunes read in New Orleans? Or are we like, straight outta Haiti? Dan says it's a Minnesota convenience store clerk. We speculate if she has a hearing problem. Maybe she's sick? Certainly her boobs are not sick. They woke up this morning and decided to put in a full day's work today. Ok, after scooting her booty and finishing the song, she reveals that she is sick, and she's been to the hospital. Influenza B, people. B. She coughs through her critique. The judges love her, sick or well.

MATT GIRAUD: Okay, I've had it. Matt Giraud is WET, he is moist and his edges are ill-defined. He is pale and possibly MADE OF SPONGE. Randy Travis *again* feels misgivings, and then *again* professes to have those misgivings melt away. Randy Travis' critique of every idol: "Well, I must admit, I was unsure of his song choice, but then when he/she sang it, it was really great. If he/she sings exactly like that, it's really going to be neato." Way to mentor, Randy Travis. I have to say, strange colorless mole and all, Matt outsings and outplays Scott McIntyre eight kinda ways. I do not like to look at Matt Giraud, but he can sing. He's just so DOUGHY. Doughy and moist at the same time: UNPLEASANT. And why do we have to see so many pink, moist, toothy gums all the time?

Kara has praised every single one of them, tonight, in the highest terms possible.
Paula can't pronounce authenticity. She also seems to privilege "piercing."
Simon liked Anoop and Matt Giraud.
Randy expressed no memorable opinion.

When they do the summaries of the performances at the end, it's like "Which one of these things is not like the other?" with Megan Joy Corkrey and Adam Lambert sticking out like brave and crazy thumbs.

Best performances: Adam Lambert
Worst performance: Michael Sarver
Going home: Sorry, but maybe Megan. I hope Michael though.

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, top 11