After an unfortunate visual gag that involved Ellen nuzzling Simon's ear, we're off! No time to chat, because it's a one hour show! Let's choose our top twelve, people! Or, let's spend an hour asking these questions: "Was that the right song choice for her? Or should she have sung a different song? Oh, a different one? Well which one?"

KATIE STEVENS: Katie sings Kelly Clarkson's song "Breakaway." The judges have been telling her to go younger, so you'd think Kelly Clarkson circa 2004 would be appropriate. However, tonight Ellen tells her that she still wasn't old enough to sing these lyrics. Yeah, because singing "I'll spread my wings and learn how to fly" requires a really mature stature. Apparently, nothing is young enough for Katie Stevens to sing, and the judges request that if she makes it back next week she try out the song from Teletubbies. That might be young enough to accommodate her extreme youth. Simon gives her ten out of ten for trying but says it wasn't good enough. He tells her she sucked (long pause) the life out of the song. Kara says she just doesn't know what kind of artist Katie wants to be.

SIOBHAN MAGNUS: Siobhan slowly tell us that her father taught her to sing, and then slowly reveals that she will sing "House of the Rising Sun" to honor him. I'm sure any father would be honored by his daughter singing a song about being debauched in a whorehouse. It sounds pretty dope, in the words of Randy. The first verse she sings acapella, which provides that magical "moment" feeling we love to see on Idol, and then the lone guitar kicks in, and then the whole band comes in very predictably, which prompts Ellen to praise the fact that she made the song "current." Simon calls it ploddy, boring, and dark. Kara puts in that she doesn't know what kind of artist Siobhan wants to be.

LACEY BROWN: Lacey is lurking/sitting on the side of the stage during Siobhan's critique, so they can immediately transition over to her singing Belina Carlisle's "The Story." What, no stupid anecdote about her childhood? No drippy dedication to Grandma or dear dog Pedro or poor dead Uncle Hoss? We must really be on a time crunch. She never gets up from her seat, just stares down the camera and daintily yodels her way through it with her shiny, shiny lips and her fake, fake color contacts. Wow, the judges love her song choice! She's back on track, they say! Even Simon thinks it sounds like it's already on the radio. Kara is excited to report that she knows what kind of artist Lacey Brown will be!!!!

KATELYNN EPPERLING: Katelynn sings "I Feel the Earth Move," by Carole King, wearing high waisted overall skirt, and mildly be-bopping around behind some kind of keyboard. She seems to have been attacked offstage by a bath loofah which is still stuck to the top of her head. Or maybe it's like she teashed her hair up into a big huge blonde afro and then right before she went on stage she tried to shove her forehead into a furnace fan. The judges hate it. They're disappointed with the lack of specialness. She didn't look like she was competing, not trying hard enough. Mole visibility quotient: 60%.

DIDI BENAMI: Didi hasn't played her guitar since Hollywood Week but now she's going to play the hell out of it. Or at least she's going to play two strings in syncopated chords again and again during a trippy, stripped down version of "Rhiannon" by Fleetwood Mac. Randy missed the wow moment but thought it was better than last week. Ellen says, "Yes indeedy, Didi" and everyone around her literally barks out "Ha ha ha" as in three syllables of obligatory laughter. It's amazing to me that they hired a comedian to be a judge, an actual comedian with a successful career, and she has delivered less than half a dozen viable jokes in six weeks of screen time. Kara and Simon loved it. The judges praise her for coming back strong after being "mauled."

PAIGE MILES: Paige has taken her turn pressing her face against the furnace fan backstage, then maybe had someone throw a bucket of water on her hairdo for good measure. She sings a dreary, hopeless version of "Smile" by Charlie Chaplin, staying safely behind the beat and whispering shyly. The judges hate it and Simon calls it the "end of the road." Paige repeats a few times that she loves the song and that it's emotional for her. Ryan asks why it's emotional, maybe digging for a sympathy vote or two, but Paige seems to be saying that the reason she's emotional is that Michael Jackson recorded that song and is now dead.

CRYSTAL BOWERSOX: Crystal sings "Give Me One Reason" by Tracy Chapman, and plays the electric guitar. Then she sits down on her amp to take her criticism, too cool to even stand. Actually, we later learn that the weight of her extreme coolness has shattered her kneecaps, and she has had to be rushed to the hospital. We must all rearrange our schedules for the next three weeks so that she can get repeat kneecap replacement surgery, but this time she needs titanium ones, to sustain the massive encumbrance of her sick, sick cool. The judges ask her to please take a poo, so they can bathe in its glorious light. They offer to clean her feet with their hair. Kara reaches into her abdomen and pulls out a throbbing, dripping kidney, offers it to Crystal just in case. Simon calls her "most improved" and "the one to beat." Maybe she'll disappear when they move to the bigger stage. We can only hope. American doesn't like an Idol that peaks early.

LILLY SCOTT: Lilly plays an electric mandolin and sings "I Fall to Pieces" by Patsy Cline, zombie edition. It's violently overwrought and dull and halloween-ish. The arrangement is reminiscent of an olde time hootenanny, like you can imagine someone sucking a hayseed and playing the string bass. And not in a fresh, updated way. In a way where you chew the seeds of actual hay. Look, Patsy Cline is Patsy Cline. She's an icon. If you're going to do Patsy Cline as olde time country hayseed, you have to be, like Loretta Lynn or Willie Nelson. If you're going to do it modern, you're doing it like Cowboy Junkies or, like The Lemonheads or something. Ellen, clearly having listened to something completely different sung by someone other than Lilly, praises the originality of her style, and Kara calls it contemporary and current. Yeah. At least they're loyal.

Best Performances: Siobhan Magnus and Didi Benami
Worst Performances: Paige Miles and Katie Stevens
Going Home: Katelynn Epperly and Paige Miles

See you tomorrow night!

Labels: american idol, idol, recap, television

When the show opens, the top 12 guys are standing at the edge of the stage as if ready to be shot to death with arrows. A pudgy Ryan Seacrest marches down the line, barking out threats and demands. Chest in, recruit! Scruffy chin out! Clearly under orders to ignore the camera, the "singers" look full of fear and polyester stuffing. They should be afraid. After all, the girls sucked big rotten mangoes last night and if these guys aren't careful, they'll be sucking on them too.

I actually do like a few of the contestants tonight. If I can maintain any level of respect or affection for any of them two hours from now, I'll be faint with shock. The judges predict nerves will rule the evening. Kara recommends that if they're nervous they find a place they're comfortable with. How about their garage? No? Nestled in their mama's bosom? No? Then it has to be the Idol stage. Sorry, Kara.

TODRICK HALL: Todrick's clothes are unremarkable: congratulations Todrick's clothes! He turns in a scant, nervous reinterpretation of Kelly Clarkson's "Since You've Been Gone," re-imagined as a Gwen Stefani style reggae song, like if "Sweet Escape" was sung by a nervous man who had been told to dance for his life. After demanding all night last night that they completely violate expectations and change up songs to fit their own style, the judges filet him for "making it his own." Simon called it "bordering on stupid." Ryan begs for votes based on creativity. Todrick's face says, "But I thought I was supposed to--" but then it's time to flash his numbers and move on, leaving Todrick's incredulous carcass blinking in shame.

AARON KELLY: Aaron Kelly is just a fetus still encased in an amniotic sac. He's the type of dripping, mucousy fetus that likes to wear jogging pants, a thin hoodie, and a gold necklace around its ropy, wobbly neck, but not tonight! Tonight, the moist and delicate Aaron is all cowboyed out in a flannel shirt and torn jeans, and sings "Here Comes Goodbye" by Rascal Flatts. He struggles along, straining away with his undeveloped lungs and his finger buds clutching that big heavy microphone. Panting, gasping, slipping, he hits the glory note hard and explodes. The judges like him. Ellen's critique: "Ditto to all that."

JERMAINE SELLERS: Jermaine interviews to remind us that he was the one who famously whined that the band messed him up on his last Hollywood solo. Then he sing "Get Here" in every key imaginable, with a whole lot of winking, nodding, sex-eye, and grinning. He is wearing a grey tuxedo coat over a cotton henley, with a satin rosette just like Granny used to make, and a black fedora with no brim. He looks like he was wearing a regular hat and then walked into a giant sander or something, scraping the brim right off it for a disconnected, disastrous effect. The judges hate him, and I also hate him. After the critique, Ryan asks Jermaine if he's made peace with Michael, meaning Michael from the band. Jermaine frowns and stutters, pricelessly, "Who's Michael?" Oh, really, who is Michael? He's the guy coming up on stage right now so spontaneously for this super-spontaneous moment of ha ha forgiveness, except that Jermaine is such a diva, he can't even laugh. What an idiot. Michael should stuff him into a compost pile.

TIM URBAN: Tim has a very catlike upper lip and also fangs, do you see this? And rained-on skater hair. In his photo shoot, he pulls a wacky-dacky pose jumping up in the air with his arms out. Like hey look at me with mah sweaty-sweaty armpits! And the gag is, he actually has big sweaty armpits! HA! Tim sings "Apologize" by One Republic, and the gag here is that he actually has, like, no falsetto register. At all. So it's like "It's too late to apologize! It's too late! It's too late to apologize! It's too late!" Where the greyed out words are actually little mouse squeaks. Recognize that there were multiple vocal coaches, producers, directors, and other bozos that okayed this song choice and this performance. The judges shred him and he admits it was a last minute switch. I thought Randy clarified last night that they weren't supposed to sing songs that made their voices sound bad. He should have mentioned this includes songs that they actually physically cannot sing because sounds that come out of mouths do not magically happen just because you really need them to. You have to make them down in your throat, and if the song calls for a sound that your throat cannot create, you end up standing their like a supreme doucheface, squeaking and wishing.

Hey, Edward Cullen is on Lost now!

JOE MUNOZ: If Ellen Degeneres was a small, Mexican man Joe Munoz would be that small Mexican man. As it is, he's just another black-eyed man the size of a jockey in a fringed scarf singing "You and I Both" by someone I don't know. He sings adequately, putting him right on the top of the pile for the night. Ellen congratulates him for being comfortable on stage, and surprises nobody by liking the performance. She says, "I think people are going to look at you and say 'He can sing, and he's comfortable on stage' and vote for you." Yeah, because here on American Old Sandals, we look for people who "can sing." Note: Joe is a lip-licker, and that will get more significant as the season wears on. I predict that by April, if I haven't killed myself yet and Joe is still on the show, I am recommending Clorox chapstick.

TYLER GRADY: Thank you, Tyler Grady, for being an actual entertainer. I enjoyed your fun, relaxed rendition of "American Woman" and I think the audience did too. No winking, no glory notes, no runs, no nerves. It sounded good, he worked the stage, and he was as authentic as a person singing a 45 second song can be. I think the main reason I hated him in the audition shows was that his skin was so relentlessly freakin' shiny that it hurt my eyes. The judges told him he was all style and no substance, and demand that he brings it into this decade. Because they haven't spent weeks telling people to know who they are and stay true to that. Tyler doesn't look too bothered, but promises he will go to the mall if voted through. Great.

LEE DEWYZE: Lee looks apologetic, as usual, for breathing the air. He is a constipated, resentful version of Elliot Yamin -- remember that guy? Lee sounds pretty cool for about half of his performance of "Chasing Cars." If you close your eyes you can almost forget he's a hunchy little troll. I can see him singing something Daughtry-ish, but I can also see him grabbing a bone from the carcass in the road and scampering back under the the porch to gnaw on it. All of the judges but Simon chastise him. Lee stands there pulling on the hem of his shirt like a dork. Shifting from foot to foot, he then charms the hair clips off America with his unpretentious answers to Ryan's dumb questions -- he is having the best time of his life and he never wants this feeling to end. I almost start to think he's kind of cool, and that his story arc will involve him coming out of this shirt-pulling shell and being a star. Then I feel manipulated and resentful, and I snarl at passers-by.

JOHN PARK: John sings "God Bless the Child." As Ryan announces it, I feel like calling out... No, John, no. You must not sing that song! How could it work? I don't know what I was expecting to come out of his mouth when he opened it, but what did come out was something bad. Something bizarre-o, because John Park has absolutely no accent when he is speaking. What happened to him when he sang was a mystery. It almost sounded like someone with a thick Asian accent trying to sing really jazzy black slang. The judges absolutely hate it (except Ellen, who would like it if the contestants squeezed a glop of poo out the bottom of their pants and then sat on it). John shames them by sharing that for him, the song is about his parents, and how they worry about money, and how the reason he is here is because of that song. Ok, he doesn't have to go home this week.

MICHAEL LYNCHE: Big Mike! The guy who skipped the birth of his child to compete in American Idol! This competition must mean everything to him! Enough that he certainly wouldn't show up on stage in a western shirt and jeans and tennis shoes. Oops, seems not. He sings "This Love" by Maroon 5, playing a tiny guitar which we never ever hear. He got through it just fine, and he reads as likeable and cool. The judges ask him to challenge himself more, and say that he shouldn't get cocky. When Simon criticizes him, he snaps back, "Aowww!" then threatened to give Simon some of his arm muscle. Standing next to Big Mike, Ryan Seacrest doesn't look so puffy. Big Mike will be back next week.

ALEX LAMBERT: Alex looks like the male version of that smelly hippie Crystine Bowsentowler, but instead of her ballsy attitude, he's got tulips for testicles. His goal is to show people that he can perform, as he puts it, that he is "able to." He sings "Wonderful World" which has the worst lyrics ever for an American Idol song pick. Check it:

I've been down so low
People look at me and they know
They can tell something is wrong
Like I don't belong

Staring through a window
Standing outside, they're just too happy to care tonight
I want to be like them
But I'll mess it up again

I tripped on my way in
And got kicked outside, everybody saw...

And I know that it's a wonderful world
But I can't feel it right now
Well I thought that I was doing well
But I just want to cry now

Yeah. Great lyrics! Who in their right mind would sing this song in a competition? It's like Eeyore's theme song. Bah. Alex looks miserable, hunches up his shoulders, lags behind the beat, and in general dies an awful death on the stage. No joy, no confidence. Ellen compares him to an unripe banana. Alex gives props to the band and reveals this is the third or fourth time he's ever sung in front of people. Endearing but sucky.

CASEY JAMES: Who doesn't want Casey James to do well? He's cool, he's hot, he's a good singer. He has given us no reason to punch him in the face yet, right? He sings "Heaven" by Bryan Adams, sitting on a stool with his guitar (which we can actually hear), and delivers a very decent performance. Yes, he took off his shirt in his audition. Yes, he's had his hair highlighted. Yes, he pronounces it "Lying here in my yarms," but for now I want to believe, okay? I want to believe. The show plays up the whole "Kara is in love with Casey" meme, and Ellen admits that he's going to get votes no matter what, almost admitting that it doesn't matter what he sings. Yes, he will get votes. Casey has a Sawyer thing going on, and a natural swagger. He is hard not to like. GOOD JOB, CASEY. For now, I am on your side.

ANDREW GARCIA: Full disclosure: I really liked this guy coming in. He's rough, cool, short, and looks like the birth control glasses are in this case not an affectation. He sings "We're Going Downtown Sugar" by Fallout Boy. I think the key could be a little lower, the song was a little repetitive, and in general the mix was a little light on bass, but I still like him. The judges like him too, and forgive all in memory of the day he played "Straight Up" by Paula Abdul.

Folks, this week was awful. This is the point in American Idol where we the people always say, "This was really the best you could come up with?" All those stadiums full of people, all those wails and riffs in Hollywood, and these 24 people are really the greatest unsigned vocalists in America? And we scoff and scorn. Luckily, we know that as the competition wears on, we will grow to hate some of them even more, and our current state of bewildered apathy will turn into a fine point of disgust and scorn. Something to look forward to.

Best Performances: Casey James and Lee Dewyze
Worst Performances: Aaron Kelly and Tim Urban
Going Home: Jermaine Sellers and Alex Lambert

Labels: american idol, idol, recap, television

America, there are three white guys standing before you. But you only hold two photographs in your hand. Only two of them will go on in the hopes of becoming America's Next Top Douchepouch. Which one will you choose?

You know, now that we're here, now that we're staring down the finale, I'm thinking maybe you should scrape the stage clean and start over, America. These puppets' felt noses are starting to pill. Their bright little jackets are frayed. As they stand there, shifting from foot to foot, showing their teeth, I realize I'm truly more interested in the commercials for Glee Club than I am in the show tonight. The contestants remaining are all treasured little darlings of the judges. They are predictable, solid performers who have nothing left in them besides obedience. Convenient, because this is the week they sing songs the judges have chosen for them. Three singers, four judges -- Randy and Kara have to collaborate.

DANNY GOKEY: For Danny, Paula chooses "Dance Little Sister" by Terence Trent D'Arby. Wow, I can't think of a less current song or a less relevant artist. Gokey sings it with moist scatting and damp foot-kicking and comes down to goofily play up to the judges like it's his farewell song. If James Brown married a beetle larvae and their baby was trying to sing a Terence Trent D'Arby song, that beetle child would be like, Gokey, I owned you just now. Paula and Simon get into some kind of wrestling match that results in Simon having a big smear of tan makeup directly over his right tit during the rest of the show.

KRIS ALLEN: Kara and Randy have chosen "Apologize" by One Republic. They predict that it will show his range, and his "dark melodic beauty." Unfortunately he proves completely incapable of hitting that high note. You know the one that recurs about a million times throughout the song? Totally inadequate voice for this assignment. He goes to a lower note, thrums simple chords on the piano, and looks beaten and a little stoned. Kara and Randy are disappointed that he didn't just come out on the stage with an acoustic guitar and sing it straight. The elephant in the room farts and bellows: "HELLO! HE CAN'T HIT THAT HIGH NOTE. WERE YOU LISTENING? ASS?" Simon: "Kara, I don't think you can blame him for the song, when you picked it." Kara: "Don't tell me about interpreting songs. Have you ever interpreted a song in your life?" Puff puff huff huff. They argue about whether he interpreted it right.

ADAM LAMBERT: Simon has chosen "One" by U2 for Adam to sing. Adam turns in a bizarre and unsavory performance. It starts low, sounding a bit like a song from Cats. Adam turns in a few very sweet and surprising notes. I'm thinking, damn, if he keeps it kinda creepy and low like this, he's going to blow me away. But then he starts belaying it, slaying it, and fileting it. He goes higher, squealier, squintier, and then unrolls his gruesomely long tongue, and ruins it. Completely. The judges love it with deep abiding love. I kinda just hate it. Adam reminds us kindly that the lyrics in the song are really beautiful. Yeah, but you delivered them like the front man of an eighties hair band. Sorry, Adam.

After we come back from the break, Ryan lets us know that in the last two years Idol has raised $140 million for Africa, and really, everyone feels like that's enough. No "Idol Gives Back" this year. Idol is resuming its policy of only taking. What a relief! Africa is grateful for the mosquito nets it got.

DANNY GOKEY: Did you forget last week that Danny Gokey's wife is dead? Well she is. Completely dead. And he *really* loved her too. Isn't that sad?

KRIS ALLEN: Kris Allen, allowed to make his own song choice now, chooses "Heartless" by Kanye West. I've heard Kanye's version on SNL, and on the radio, and I strangely like it, although this is not usually my thing. Kris Allen's version was actually really cool! He did it completely straight, with just the acoustic guitar and his own voice. It was very good. The judges love it. I love it. It's Kris Allen! Maybe he can bump out Gokey to edge into the finals. I hope so.

ADAM LAMBERT: Adam sings "Cryin'" by Aerosmith. He picked it because he can. He sang it because once he had called everyone there, worked out the arrangement, led the judges to expect something magical, invited a throng of people with hand-lettered signs, he had to go ahead and deliver. No one was surprised. The judges predict he will be in the finals, but Simon takes the time to remind us to vote, vote, vote for the white man in the leather jacket, who looks like he owns it, who looks like he can be the next gay rock star that girls can't wait to fuck.

This season it seemed like the producers might have wanted an Amy Winehouse, a Duffy, a funky edgy girl Idol. But failing that, they'll take another rocker. Whatever.

Best performance: Kris Allen's "Heartless"
Worst performance: Adam Lambert's "One"

Going home: PLEASE GOKEY PLEASE

Labels: adam lambert, american idol, danny gokey, idol, kris allen, recap, top three

I have Idol fatigue. Do you? No? Are you panting for more? Well, that's what you're going to get tonight. More. Not better or different. Not fresh or unusual. Just more.

Tonight's theme: Songs that would sound like Christmas songs, if they had Christmas lyrics. Cruise ship standards. Brat pack hits.

Tonight's mentor: Jamie Foxx.



KRIS ALLEN: Let's start out the show with a little hysterical hyperbole. Jamie Foxx loves Kris Allen so much! Kris Allen is his number one. If this doesn't work out, Jamie Foxx will marry Kris Allen and take him away from all this meaningless drudgery. As if to underscore his deep love of Kris, Jamie Foxx stops talking and grabs his own breasts. Kris sings "The Way You Look Tonight" in a super-boring, mind-numbing karaoke way. The judges rip out their hair and canter around the stage, rhapsodizing about his impeccable phrasing and charm. Randy, Kara, and Paula tear their clothes and pile ashes on themselves in humble adoration. They're not worthy. They abased themselves by urinating on each other in shame before him. Simon calls it, appropriately, a little wet.

ALLISON IRAHETA: Jamie Foxx LOVES Allison. She is his favorite, for sure. She sings "Someone to Watch Over Me" in a manner that would be ludicrous and repulsive in a 27 year old, but in a 17 year old is apparently precocious and inspiring? Or that's what the judges say. The judges peel their skins off and create little Allison dolls to sell to the crowd, decorating them with their own teeth and hair. It's an Allison love-fest. She is the best ever.

After the break, Matt Giraud will sing "My Funny Valentine." Can I go to bed yet? I swear I will put my eye out with this laptop if he winks.

MATT GIRAUD: Matt is like, hey, I wore a fedora before a fedora was appropriate. Yeah, that's not a point of pride, fool. Jamie Foxx takes one listen and then tears off his head and fills it with candy for Matt Giraud. That's the least he can do to prove the intensity of his love: create a bloody, brainspeckled candy dish for Matt's personal use. Matt sings pinkly and with a weird forcefulness, like he's trying to convince us of something related to the border with Mexico. Surprisingly, the judges actually manage to critique him. Maybe America will be allowed to actually vote him off this week! He was brought back and selected in the wild card show, then saved by the "save," and now... oh... wait. Simon calls him absolutely brilliant. I have a feeling Matt will be back to wear his Fedora yet again, maybe during techno-pop week or "white guy brawling songs" week.

DANNY GOKEY: Ace mentor Jamie Foxx needs to creepily violate Gokey's personal space in order to make him be more pure and real. Seriously, he like gets right up in his grill. He reports that Gokey's breath is fresh. Weird moment. Awkward. Gokey looks like he feels hit on, the opposite of pure and real. He sings "I'm Gonna Love You" and sounds like an old man. At first I think he will be denied his favorite technique of shouting his way through from the chorus to the end, but then he gets hollering about "rain or shine" and peels his lips back for the big ending as usual. Randy pulls out a record contract and begs Danny to sign on, eager to do an entire album of just minutely diverse versions of this same song. Kara wraps her neck around and around a stripper pole, seductively mouthing, "Gokaaaay." Paula demands that Danny suckle on one of her teats. Simon looooooves Danny.

DUDE, AM I CRAZY: These performances are just so completely unremarkable. Are they just setting us up for Adam Lambert? What can he possibly do to top the way the judges perceive the other contestants have performed tonight? What adjectives and analogies are left to describe him?

ADAM LAMBERT: Adam is going to sing "Feeling Good." Jamie Foxx predicts that our heads will fall off. Adam wears a white satin suit, rides in on the glowing red stairs, and delivers the only performance of the night that couldn't have been found on any cruise ship in the Caribbean. A little Freddy Mercury. The judges' heads all fall off. And the show is over.

Best performance: Adam Lambert
Worst performance: Matt Giraud
Going home: Matt Giraud

Or whatever. Seriously, the relentless lovefest is getting so old. Am I wrong?

Labels: adam lambert, american idol, idol, recal, top five