Let me just say, before I begin, that the things I saw on this episode truly shocked me. I did sit, for several minutes, with my jaw hanging open. This was during the part where everyone was rolling around in mud trying to yank each others' underwear off to win a fishing boat and gear. Your reaction may vary. Maybe you have seen more people yank off their friends shorts for a fishhook, but I have not. I guess you have lived more than I have. Well. Some of us can still be shocked.

Last week on Survivor: Someone was evicted and his name was CHICKEN. This week, will it be beef, bacon, or duck? Given this is CBS, I gather that elk, geoduck and scallops are safe.

FEI LONG: In China, the sun rises, and in keeping with the theme of this season so far (moisture) the first thing we see is water. Then we see James pushing over more bamboo trees. Also, at Fei Long, apparently there is someone named Jean Robert who sleeps all the time.

Todd the mysterious flight attendant made an alliance with another flight attendant named Amber. They decide to bring Aaron into the flight attendant alliance, so he can "do all the dirty work" for them. Todd swears with his "whole life" that he will take these two to the final three. Aaron shakes and says, “I trust.” Amanda repeats several times that you have to have an alliance in this game. Todd reports that he and Amanda have the game in their hands. These people talk like they strategize. That is to say, like a bunch of drunk milk goats just starting to experiment with the language. I give this alliance one week -- or, rather, I predict that the alliance members will forget about it on the way back to camp, and begin to eat bamboo.

Fei Long has a group meeting in which Aaron calls for people to start working and Jean Robert (previously referred to on this blog as "a giant baby in a denim diaper") argues that he can contribute inside his mind, while his body is resting. He interviews that he is using the “I’m lazy” strategy to show big improvement later in the game. Expect big things from Jean Robert in the late game -- he may even sit up.

ZHAN HU: Dave the leader defines the priority as using huge mud bricks to create a gigantic barbecue pit. He says wants to achieve achievable goals. Jaime suggests maybe they could start a small, provisional fire just to make a handful of rice for everybody. Dave responds by braining Jaime with a prioritized mud brick.

Jaime complains to Sherea’s bra, sorry it’s all I see until WWAshley appears wearing a bandana over her boobs and a red ruffly ribbon around her waist. The red ribbon is so ineffective at covering her business that the business still has to be blurred. Don't be shocked -- this is only the beginning of the blurred nakedness. Only the beginning. Ashley yells at Dave in her strange underwear, and they fight over whether he is patronizing.

CHALLENGE: Reward is fishing gear and a fishing boat.

Tiny Todd has to sit out, and James the grave digger accidentally shatters his tiny collar bone while patting him in a consoling way.

Jeff Probst introduces the challenge, which is a combination of mud wrestling and soccer. Teams of three from each tribe must try and push a huge heavy ball through deep mud into a goal. Probst pronounces: “Just like we like it on survivor – nice and wet.” Apparently also nice and naked, since we soon see a strategy emerging that involves ripping off your opponents underwear, then shoving the ball away while the unclothed one stands there clutching his vitals. No, not kidding. Naked in the mud, ripping at each others clothes, pushing giant balls around which look like they weigh at least 500 pounds. For a long, awkward, naked time, it looks like no one will score. The scene gets ugly. Aaron decapitates Jaime. No one has any clothes and everyone is blurred.

Finally we hear Jeff Probst shout, “Even with no top on, Amanda scores for Fei Long!”

This is absolutely the strangest challenge ever in Survivor history. Fei long wins and Courtney flashes a gang sign for victory.

But wait! There is a twist! Fei Long can kidnap one of Zhan Hu, that person comes to live with them until the next immunity challenge. They kidnap Jaime. Jaime gets a scroll marked “Open in Private” to read at the Fei Long beach. They embrace her fakely.

Jeff tells Zhan Hu he has nothing for them, and Frosty flips him the British bird, which is, like a peace sign but facing the other way. Then he turns it around. Meanwhile Sherea is standing there in her underwear with her dress wadded up and draped over her shoulder, and WWAshley is now wearing her black bandana bra on her head. So confusing.

ZHAN HU: When Zhan Hu gets back, their camp has flooded and there are dead, inflated frogs floating around. In actuality, the low parts of the camp are under several inches of water, but Frosty proclaims: “It’s like someone took all the water from every ocean they could find and just dumped it right on us.”

Dave: “We actually live on the lake now.”

Dave is proud that his giant barbecue pit made of giant muddy bricks withstood the flood waters. He feels vindicated. Knee deep in mud, and vindicated.

FEI LONG: Aaron hypothesizes that by taking Jaime away from Zhan Hu he completely demoralized their tribe. That would suggest that they noticed she was gone, and this is something of which I saw no evidence.

Todd wonders if Jaime is going to steal his stuff. What stuff?

Inside Jaime’s secret private scroll is a sealed tube with a clue to a hidden immunity idol at Fei Long’s camp. She has to choose someone to give it to. In this segment, I notice that Jaime has bad upspeak, and Amber is a smile talker. Both of these girls need smacked in the eye.

Leslie is sick and wants her Bible. Jaime, an agent of the almighty, gives her the clue to the immunity idol, because she thinks she’s sure to be voted off soon, thereby making the clue irrelevant. Leslie reads that the idol is hidden in plain sight, and the camera focuses in on what is obviously the idol: an ornament on the gate thingy that marked their campsite. Leslie cannot figure it out, so she decides to trust Todd to help her. Todd immediately plans to get Leslie voted out so that he will be the only one that knows about the idol. Daemon Flight Attendant!

ZHAN HU: Dave is talking down to Ashley and everyone else.

Dave: “Think outside the box! Critical and analytical thinking really helps!”
Ashley: I don’t need your life lessons. I just need you to tell me what to do.

Ashley interviews that Dave is the most irritating person on the planet. It must be irrational overstatment day. I love Survivor!

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE: Jaime goes back to Zhan Hu, and they hug her fakely.

The challenge is to smash a puzzle log through two walls, use it to solve a puzzle, ring a gong. Courtney gets sat out and flashes a gang sign for… victory? I'm losing interest in my favorite because she seems to have stowed the NY attitude. I need a new favorite. Looking around, I catch a fleeting glimpse of the cafeteria lunch lady. Are you aware she has had no lines? Since she appreciated the Chinese culture?

It’s unclear what “smashed” truly means when it comes to logs. Dave bonks on the challenge. Lunch lady gets the line, “Hurry up!” Fei Long wins immunity and grave diggerJames accidentally smashes through the gong and one of the production trailers in his enthusiasm.

ZHAN HU: Dave apologizes for losing his power and takes full responsibility for losing the challenge, then interviews that he wants Ashley out because he built a fire pit and she didn’t. Ashley says she has two choices, to either rant and rave against Dave and be thought a crazy person, or to wait until tribal council and then claim that Dave is crazy. WWAshley makes no sense. Then a random person we’ve seen nothing of for two episodes, possibly just some American living in China, wanders on screen and opines that Dave is strong, which also makes no sense given that he just performed like an aging baboon in the last challenge. Jaime clears things up by saying that either Ashley or Dave should be voted out.

They get to tribal and accuse each other of things. I do like Ashley’s answer to Jeff though…

Jeff: Ashley, what’s your criteria for who gets your vote tonight?
Ashley: Oh, I’m voting for Dave!

Ashley, in fact, gets voted out. And it’s time for her to go.

Next week on Survivor, Dave comes one step closer to his inevitable violent meltdown (can’t wait!) and Todd overhears gossip in first class (Mais Oui!) and Courtney puts her spikey knee through Amber’s skull1 (Not kidding! Check the clip!)

Labels: china, episode 2, recap, survivor, survivor china