Let me just say, before I begin, that the things I saw on this episode truly shocked me. I did sit, for several minutes, with my jaw hanging open. This was during the part where everyone was rolling around in mud trying to yank each others' underwear off to win a fishing boat and gear. Your reaction may vary. Maybe you have seen more people yank off their friends shorts for a fishhook, but I have not. I guess you have lived more than I have. Well. Some of us can still be shocked.

Last week on Survivor: Someone was evicted and his name was CHICKEN. This week, will it be beef, bacon, or duck? Given this is CBS, I gather that elk, geoduck and scallops are safe.

FEI LONG: In China, the sun rises, and in keeping with the theme of this season so far (moisture) the first thing we see is water. Then we see James pushing over more bamboo trees. Also, at Fei Long, apparently there is someone named Jean Robert who sleeps all the time.

Todd the mysterious flight attendant made an alliance with another flight attendant named Amber. They decide to bring Aaron into the flight attendant alliance, so he can "do all the dirty work" for them. Todd swears with his "whole life" that he will take these two to the final three. Aaron shakes and says, “I trust.” Amanda repeats several times that you have to have an alliance in this game. Todd reports that he and Amanda have the game in their hands. These people talk like they strategize. That is to say, like a bunch of drunk milk goats just starting to experiment with the language. I give this alliance one week -- or, rather, I predict that the alliance members will forget about it on the way back to camp, and begin to eat bamboo.

Fei Long has a group meeting in which Aaron calls for people to start working and Jean Robert (previously referred to on this blog as "a giant baby in a denim diaper") argues that he can contribute inside his mind, while his body is resting. He interviews that he is using the “I’m lazy” strategy to show big improvement later in the game. Expect big things from Jean Robert in the late game -- he may even sit up.

ZHAN HU: Dave the leader defines the priority as using huge mud bricks to create a gigantic barbecue pit. He says wants to achieve achievable goals. Jaime suggests maybe they could start a small, provisional fire just to make a handful of rice for everybody. Dave responds by braining Jaime with a prioritized mud brick.

Jaime complains to Sherea’s bra, sorry it’s all I see until WWAshley appears wearing a bandana over her boobs and a red ruffly ribbon around her waist. The red ribbon is so ineffective at covering her business that the business still has to be blurred. Don't be shocked -- this is only the beginning of the blurred nakedness. Only the beginning. Ashley yells at Dave in her strange underwear, and they fight over whether he is patronizing.

CHALLENGE: Reward is fishing gear and a fishing boat.

Tiny Todd has to sit out, and James the grave digger accidentally shatters his tiny collar bone while patting him in a consoling way.

Jeff Probst introduces the challenge, which is a combination of mud wrestling and soccer. Teams of three from each tribe must try and push a huge heavy ball through deep mud into a goal. Probst pronounces: “Just like we like it on survivor – nice and wet.” Apparently also nice and naked, since we soon see a strategy emerging that involves ripping off your opponents underwear, then shoving the ball away while the unclothed one stands there clutching his vitals. No, not kidding. Naked in the mud, ripping at each others clothes, pushing giant balls around which look like they weigh at least 500 pounds. For a long, awkward, naked time, it looks like no one will score. The scene gets ugly. Aaron decapitates Jaime. No one has any clothes and everyone is blurred.

Finally we hear Jeff Probst shout, “Even with no top on, Amanda scores for Fei Long!”

This is absolutely the strangest challenge ever in Survivor history. Fei long wins and Courtney flashes a gang sign for victory.

But wait! There is a twist! Fei Long can kidnap one of Zhan Hu, that person comes to live with them until the next immunity challenge. They kidnap Jaime. Jaime gets a scroll marked “Open in Private” to read at the Fei Long beach. They embrace her fakely.

Jeff tells Zhan Hu he has nothing for them, and Frosty flips him the British bird, which is, like a peace sign but facing the other way. Then he turns it around. Meanwhile Sherea is standing there in her underwear with her dress wadded up and draped over her shoulder, and WWAshley is now wearing her black bandana bra on her head. So confusing.

ZHAN HU: When Zhan Hu gets back, their camp has flooded and there are dead, inflated frogs floating around. In actuality, the low parts of the camp are under several inches of water, but Frosty proclaims: “It’s like someone took all the water from every ocean they could find and just dumped it right on us.”

Dave: “We actually live on the lake now.”

Dave is proud that his giant barbecue pit made of giant muddy bricks withstood the flood waters. He feels vindicated. Knee deep in mud, and vindicated.

FEI LONG: Aaron hypothesizes that by taking Jaime away from Zhan Hu he completely demoralized their tribe. That would suggest that they noticed she was gone, and this is something of which I saw no evidence.

Todd wonders if Jaime is going to steal his stuff. What stuff?

Inside Jaime’s secret private scroll is a sealed tube with a clue to a hidden immunity idol at Fei Long’s camp. She has to choose someone to give it to. In this segment, I notice that Jaime has bad upspeak, and Amber is a smile talker. Both of these girls need smacked in the eye.

Leslie is sick and wants her Bible. Jaime, an agent of the almighty, gives her the clue to the immunity idol, because she thinks she’s sure to be voted off soon, thereby making the clue irrelevant. Leslie reads that the idol is hidden in plain sight, and the camera focuses in on what is obviously the idol: an ornament on the gate thingy that marked their campsite. Leslie cannot figure it out, so she decides to trust Todd to help her. Todd immediately plans to get Leslie voted out so that he will be the only one that knows about the idol. Daemon Flight Attendant!

ZHAN HU: Dave is talking down to Ashley and everyone else.

Dave: “Think outside the box! Critical and analytical thinking really helps!”
Ashley: I don’t need your life lessons. I just need you to tell me what to do.

Ashley interviews that Dave is the most irritating person on the planet. It must be irrational overstatment day. I love Survivor!

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE: Jaime goes back to Zhan Hu, and they hug her fakely.

The challenge is to smash a puzzle log through two walls, use it to solve a puzzle, ring a gong. Courtney gets sat out and flashes a gang sign for… victory? I'm losing interest in my favorite because she seems to have stowed the NY attitude. I need a new favorite. Looking around, I catch a fleeting glimpse of the cafeteria lunch lady. Are you aware she has had no lines? Since she appreciated the Chinese culture?

It’s unclear what “smashed” truly means when it comes to logs. Dave bonks on the challenge. Lunch lady gets the line, “Hurry up!” Fei Long wins immunity and grave diggerJames accidentally smashes through the gong and one of the production trailers in his enthusiasm.

ZHAN HU: Dave apologizes for losing his power and takes full responsibility for losing the challenge, then interviews that he wants Ashley out because he built a fire pit and she didn’t. Ashley says she has two choices, to either rant and rave against Dave and be thought a crazy person, or to wait until tribal council and then claim that Dave is crazy. WWAshley makes no sense. Then a random person we’ve seen nothing of for two episodes, possibly just some American living in China, wanders on screen and opines that Dave is strong, which also makes no sense given that he just performed like an aging baboon in the last challenge. Jaime clears things up by saying that either Ashley or Dave should be voted out.

They get to tribal and accuse each other of things. I do like Ashley’s answer to Jeff though…

Jeff: Ashley, what’s your criteria for who gets your vote tonight?
Ashley: Oh, I’m voting for Dave!

Ashley, in fact, gets voted out. And it’s time for her to go.

Next week on Survivor, Dave comes one step closer to his inevitable violent meltdown (can’t wait!) and Todd overhears gossip in first class (Mais Oui!) and Courtney puts her spikey knee through Amber’s skull1 (Not kidding! Check the clip!)

Labels: china, episode 2, recap, survivor, survivor china

This season on Survivor, China is awesome! Stock footage of pandas replaces stock footage of sea snakes. Stock footage of mist over mountain peaks replaces stock footage of crabs. A lunch lady, a grave digger, a poker player, a Seriously, China is totally awesome. Sixteen suspicious-looking strangers arrive in Shanghai with enormous suitcases which they lug deep into the back country to an awesome mystical lake where they will be living. Before moving in proper, they participate in a welcome ceremony.

The Christian talk radio host cannot make it through the ceremony because it feels too much like worship, although Jeff Probst makes a point of telling them it’s not a religious ceremony. The New York waitress has difficulty getting through too, because, as she says, she did not come here to be a monk, and they were like, bowing for days. For days. She is real super-blond and skinny. Please not that the lunch lady, after expressing wonder and emotion over the Buddhist welcoming ceremony, does not get any more lines. That’ll learn her.

After the ceremony, Jeff Probst reveals since Buddhism means leaving behind material possessions, they will be wearing only the clothes they came in. So, what was the philosophical reason behind all the other times they only had the clothes they came in? Nice try, Jeff. He also reveals that Sun Tzu’s Art of War will figure heavily in the game. What, is that because they’re in China or something? Wow, the strategies in this book could really help you play the game! So could not burning yourself up in a fire, not whining about wanting to go home, not claiming to be the pivotal vote, and other stuff.

Teams are chosen. Zhan Hu in yellow and Fei Long in Red. To be known henceforth as that one team and that other team.

The teams arrive at their camps.

At the red camp, Survivor Courtney, the waitress from NYC, expresses shock that she is meeting people who are not like she is, who do not come from NYC. She says that people in New York to not give each other thumbs up and say “Good job.” She must have been cast, not auditioned. Also at Fei Long, a giant baby in a denim diaper accuses a small gay man of *not* being a flight attendant. Mysterious.

COMMERCIAL:

A red bear with a loose, bouncy tail introduces superstrong toilet paper and a blue bear with a loose, bouncy tail introduces supersoft toilet paper. Now your bottom can choose its experience while becoming tidy after a poo. Thank you, colorful bears.

Anti-depressants advertised on Survivor? I thought anti-depressants were only advertised during the Tyra Banks Show. Not that I watch it. I don’t.

ZHAN HU: The team discovers an old rotten wall in the jungle. Chicken suggests that they not use a rotten old wall for a shelter. He is told not to be negative, and the team proceeds to hang it from a tree and try to sleep under it, standing up. Chicken is very offended that his opinion was not taken seriously, and pouts for the rest of the show. He is totally over it!

In other news, Ashley is a WWDiva. She is a wrestler and she has fake boobs. How does that work? Peih-Gee is Chinese and it makes her feel strange being in China. She cannot connect to the wackiness out here, she feels very serious. She thinks about her grandfather who recently died. I kind of like her but my superfavorite is Courtney from NYC who hates everyone and is skeletal.

Chicken is asked his opinion, repeatedly, and nastily refuses to give it. Did he mention, he is over it?

FEI LONG: Bamboo is awesome. James the grave digger can knock a tree down just by pushing on it. He confesses to Leslie (Christian talk radio host) that he can’t be social and charming. Leslie gives him some pointers on it – ask people questions, because they love to talk about themselves. I already love James. James and Courtney, final two.

ZHAN HU: Team Yellow is trying to sleep standing up under shelter. They are wet. They are hoping Chicken will save their asses and build them a shelter, but Chicken is only able to say he told them so, and suffer in the rain.

The next day, Ashley the wrestler is puking and shivering. Dave the ex-model promises sincerely that she’s not on the block just because she’s sick, then interviews that she is definitely gone first if she doesn’t get better. Nice! I loathe Dave. I loathe Ashley a little bit too. There is enough loathing for all.

COMMERCIALS: I love the music to the J.C. Penney commercial about unlocking your magic, but I guarantee that tomorrow I will not remember what it was a commercial for. Well, probably I will remember, since I wrote it down. I knew this blog would be good for something.

TV: Every day, what if your moisturizer could treat the causes of aging, not just the signs?
Husband: That would be AWESOME!

So, China and Loreal Skin Genesis are awesome.

FEI LONG: Red Team gets cool tree-mail shaped like a dragon. Todd who actually is a flight attendant pushes leadership onto Aaron the surfer, who told us earlier he wouldn’t be a leader because he didn’t want a target on his back. Don’t’ worry,

ZHAN HU: Yellow team gets a tree-mail shaped like a tiger. A man named Frosty claims to be a master of “Parkoor” which means climbing over obstacles. I do not know how to spell “Parkoor” but it sounds like my favorite show, Ninja Warrior. Is that what it is?

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE: Obstacle course with Chinese dragons. Keys, drawbridges, gates, puzzles, the works, plus dragons. Winning tribe gets fire and a kneeling Chinese warrior toy. Also, everybody gets the running shoes they brought, to take back to camp.

The dragons make a cool aerial shot. Sherea has shown up for the thing wearing her bra. Fei Long wins immunity and fire. Skeletal Cynic Courtney jumps up and down enthusiastically, disappointing all her friends at home.

COMMERCIALS: I like the Wendy’s commercial because it is such a brilliant touch to have all the people running to jump into the hole with their arms straight down at their sides. Just makes them all look so much more feckless.

ZHAN ZU: Peih Gee bawls about losing and then starts bossing everyone around, making insane suggestions like “Let’s build a shelter” and “Maybe we should keep the tools in a pile.” This strikes Ashley as bad – choose one or the other, Ashley recommends. Either be bossy or sad. Thanks, Ashley.

Chicken wants Ashley gone because she was sick. Pee Jeih wants Chicken gone because he won’t give an opinion. Sherea, whose dress is already, inexplicably, in tatters (What was it made of? Corn husk?), wants Peih Gee gone because she’s bossy. Everybody wants everybody gone for reasons they just can’t clearly articulate. Everyone promises everyone that they won’t write their names down.

TRIBAL COUNCIL: Jeff Probst tells them fire represents life in the game. This is not news to anyone. Dave volunteers to be the leader, promises to get everything “nice and tight.” The fact that Dave is gay is not news to anyone either. Everyone says they’re voting out the least productive member, and Ashley looks to the right and the left, very worried. Chicken makes pompous statements about how they need to do this and that.

Ashley’s boobs vote for Peigh Gee. Sherea’s tattered dress votes for mercy. Chicken is voted out.

Chicken walked around pissing on everyone’s ideas for building a shelter, then pulled three days of pout that his opinion had not been respected. When he discovers he is voted out, he hollers, “DAMN” and everyone jumps out of their skins. Good riddance, whiner.

They get to take their torches back to camp.

NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR: The giant baby demands rest, the wrestler body-slams someone, and Courtney rolls her eyes at China.

Labels: china, episode 1, recap, survivor, survivor china