America, there are three white guys standing before you. But you only hold two photographs in your hand. Only two of them will go on in the hopes of becoming America's Next Top Douchepouch. Which one will you choose?

You know, now that we're here, now that we're staring down the finale, I'm thinking maybe you should scrape the stage clean and start over, America. These puppets' felt noses are starting to pill. Their bright little jackets are frayed. As they stand there, shifting from foot to foot, showing their teeth, I realize I'm truly more interested in the commercials for Glee Club than I am in the show tonight. The contestants remaining are all treasured little darlings of the judges. They are predictable, solid performers who have nothing left in them besides obedience. Convenient, because this is the week they sing songs the judges have chosen for them. Three singers, four judges -- Randy and Kara have to collaborate.

DANNY GOKEY: For Danny, Paula chooses "Dance Little Sister" by Terence Trent D'Arby. Wow, I can't think of a less current song or a less relevant artist. Gokey sings it with moist scatting and damp foot-kicking and comes down to goofily play up to the judges like it's his farewell song. If James Brown married a beetle larvae and their baby was trying to sing a Terence Trent D'Arby song, that beetle child would be like, Gokey, I owned you just now. Paula and Simon get into some kind of wrestling match that results in Simon having a big smear of tan makeup directly over his right tit during the rest of the show.

KRIS ALLEN: Kara and Randy have chosen "Apologize" by One Republic. They predict that it will show his range, and his "dark melodic beauty." Unfortunately he proves completely incapable of hitting that high note. You know the one that recurs about a million times throughout the song? Totally inadequate voice for this assignment. He goes to a lower note, thrums simple chords on the piano, and looks beaten and a little stoned. Kara and Randy are disappointed that he didn't just come out on the stage with an acoustic guitar and sing it straight. The elephant in the room farts and bellows: "HELLO! HE CAN'T HIT THAT HIGH NOTE. WERE YOU LISTENING? ASS?" Simon: "Kara, I don't think you can blame him for the song, when you picked it." Kara: "Don't tell me about interpreting songs. Have you ever interpreted a song in your life?" Puff puff huff huff. They argue about whether he interpreted it right.

ADAM LAMBERT: Simon has chosen "One" by U2 for Adam to sing. Adam turns in a bizarre and unsavory performance. It starts low, sounding a bit like a song from Cats. Adam turns in a few very sweet and surprising notes. I'm thinking, damn, if he keeps it kinda creepy and low like this, he's going to blow me away. But then he starts belaying it, slaying it, and fileting it. He goes higher, squealier, squintier, and then unrolls his gruesomely long tongue, and ruins it. Completely. The judges love it with deep abiding love. I kinda just hate it. Adam reminds us kindly that the lyrics in the song are really beautiful. Yeah, but you delivered them like the front man of an eighties hair band. Sorry, Adam.

After we come back from the break, Ryan lets us know that in the last two years Idol has raised $140 million for Africa, and really, everyone feels like that's enough. No "Idol Gives Back" this year. Idol is resuming its policy of only taking. What a relief! Africa is grateful for the mosquito nets it got.

DANNY GOKEY: Did you forget last week that Danny Gokey's wife is dead? Well she is. Completely dead. And he *really* loved her too. Isn't that sad?

KRIS ALLEN: Kris Allen, allowed to make his own song choice now, chooses "Heartless" by Kanye West. I've heard Kanye's version on SNL, and on the radio, and I strangely like it, although this is not usually my thing. Kris Allen's version was actually really cool! He did it completely straight, with just the acoustic guitar and his own voice. It was very good. The judges love it. I love it. It's Kris Allen! Maybe he can bump out Gokey to edge into the finals. I hope so.

ADAM LAMBERT: Adam sings "Cryin'" by Aerosmith. He picked it because he can. He sang it because once he had called everyone there, worked out the arrangement, led the judges to expect something magical, invited a throng of people with hand-lettered signs, he had to go ahead and deliver. No one was surprised. The judges predict he will be in the finals, but Simon takes the time to remind us to vote, vote, vote for the white man in the leather jacket, who looks like he owns it, who looks like he can be the next gay rock star that girls can't wait to fuck.

This season it seemed like the producers might have wanted an Amy Winehouse, a Duffy, a funky edgy girl Idol. But failing that, they'll take another rocker. Whatever.

Best performance: Kris Allen's "Heartless"
Worst performance: Adam Lambert's "One"

Going home: PLEASE GOKEY PLEASE

Labels: adam lambert, american idol, danny gokey, idol, kris allen, recap, top three

I have Idol fatigue. Do you? No? Are you panting for more? Well, that's what you're going to get tonight. More. Not better or different. Not fresh or unusual. Just more.

Tonight's theme: Songs that would sound like Christmas songs, if they had Christmas lyrics. Cruise ship standards. Brat pack hits.

Tonight's mentor: Jamie Foxx.



KRIS ALLEN: Let's start out the show with a little hysterical hyperbole. Jamie Foxx loves Kris Allen so much! Kris Allen is his number one. If this doesn't work out, Jamie Foxx will marry Kris Allen and take him away from all this meaningless drudgery. As if to underscore his deep love of Kris, Jamie Foxx stops talking and grabs his own breasts. Kris sings "The Way You Look Tonight" in a super-boring, mind-numbing karaoke way. The judges rip out their hair and canter around the stage, rhapsodizing about his impeccable phrasing and charm. Randy, Kara, and Paula tear their clothes and pile ashes on themselves in humble adoration. They're not worthy. They abased themselves by urinating on each other in shame before him. Simon calls it, appropriately, a little wet.

ALLISON IRAHETA: Jamie Foxx LOVES Allison. She is his favorite, for sure. She sings "Someone to Watch Over Me" in a manner that would be ludicrous and repulsive in a 27 year old, but in a 17 year old is apparently precocious and inspiring? Or that's what the judges say. The judges peel their skins off and create little Allison dolls to sell to the crowd, decorating them with their own teeth and hair. It's an Allison love-fest. She is the best ever.

After the break, Matt Giraud will sing "My Funny Valentine." Can I go to bed yet? I swear I will put my eye out with this laptop if he winks.

MATT GIRAUD: Matt is like, hey, I wore a fedora before a fedora was appropriate. Yeah, that's not a point of pride, fool. Jamie Foxx takes one listen and then tears off his head and fills it with candy for Matt Giraud. That's the least he can do to prove the intensity of his love: create a bloody, brainspeckled candy dish for Matt's personal use. Matt sings pinkly and with a weird forcefulness, like he's trying to convince us of something related to the border with Mexico. Surprisingly, the judges actually manage to critique him. Maybe America will be allowed to actually vote him off this week! He was brought back and selected in the wild card show, then saved by the "save," and now... oh... wait. Simon calls him absolutely brilliant. I have a feeling Matt will be back to wear his Fedora yet again, maybe during techno-pop week or "white guy brawling songs" week.

DANNY GOKEY: Ace mentor Jamie Foxx needs to creepily violate Gokey's personal space in order to make him be more pure and real. Seriously, he like gets right up in his grill. He reports that Gokey's breath is fresh. Weird moment. Awkward. Gokey looks like he feels hit on, the opposite of pure and real. He sings "I'm Gonna Love You" and sounds like an old man. At first I think he will be denied his favorite technique of shouting his way through from the chorus to the end, but then he gets hollering about "rain or shine" and peels his lips back for the big ending as usual. Randy pulls out a record contract and begs Danny to sign on, eager to do an entire album of just minutely diverse versions of this same song. Kara wraps her neck around and around a stripper pole, seductively mouthing, "Gokaaaay." Paula demands that Danny suckle on one of her teats. Simon looooooves Danny.

DUDE, AM I CRAZY: These performances are just so completely unremarkable. Are they just setting us up for Adam Lambert? What can he possibly do to top the way the judges perceive the other contestants have performed tonight? What adjectives and analogies are left to describe him?

ADAM LAMBERT: Adam is going to sing "Feeling Good." Jamie Foxx predicts that our heads will fall off. Adam wears a white satin suit, rides in on the glowing red stairs, and delivers the only performance of the night that couldn't have been found on any cruise ship in the Caribbean. A little Freddy Mercury. The judges' heads all fall off. And the show is over.

Best performance: Adam Lambert
Worst performance: Matt Giraud
Going home: Matt Giraud

Or whatever. Seriously, the relentless lovefest is getting so old. Am I wrong?

Labels: adam lambert, american idol, idol, recal, top five

Apparently Tarrantino is a genuine Idol fan. Well, kids, it's been a long time since I thought about Quentin Tarrantino at all. How about you? I did see that unlikely bit of movie where the girl flops around on the hood of a car. I also saw the snowy scene in one of the Kill Bills -- that was pretty memorable. I think the last time I actually laid eyes on his physical person was that scene in Four Rooms where he cuts of his finger, or some other person's finger. Tarrantino is aging kind of angular. But also doughy and full of sweat. Like that guy from Office Space who is missing his paycheck. Oh I know, yes, I understand the significance of QT. But he is, to quote a movie he did not direct, so fucking eager.



ALLISON IRAHETA: Quentin Tarrantino's mentoring for Allison was beyond genius: "Okay, that was good, but now I want you to sing it again while I'm sitting in a chair." According to him, that did the trick in rehearsal. Unfortunately for Allison, in spite of many many people in chairs in front of her during her performance, she still smelled a little off. There was *one note* that was good, and that's all she could muster. The rest was kind of tired, like she was up late last night, threw on a shirt dress over some red pants, and rolled onto stage. Paula loved her, and Simon calls her the girl's last hope.

Commercial break: If you cut your shower down by two minutes, you can give a needy child a pair of shoes.

ANOOP DESAI: I feel confused that Anoop is still on the show. My confusion is not assuaged by Anoop's outfit tonight: a suit jacket with leather varsity jacket sleeves grafted onto it. Maybe Anoop is still around to promote someone's weird zombie-prep clothing line? Tarrantino earnestly requests that Anoop deliver "Look Into My Eyes" by Bryan Adams (yes, Bryan Adams) with a little grit, a little urgency, a little heart. Anoop decides to go with the castrated spaniel delivery instead, the only thing bold about him is ignoring Tarrantino's advice. Dan says, "I hope Tarrantino goes up on stage and cuts his head off." The judges loved it.

ADAM LAMBERT: Adam wows Tarrantino in practice. He is just really looking forward to the performance. No criticism. Adam sings, "Born to be Wild." They're giving him, dude, seriously, such better arrangements, such better mixing, there were effects on his vocal that no one else gets -- it is kind of sad really for the other people, not that they deserve anything better. Paula: "You dare to dance in the path of greatness. Fortune rewards the brave, and you're one of the bravest contestants I've ever witnessed, ever." Wow.

COLORLESS MOLE: It's Bryan Adams night! Tonight on Idol! Matt sings "Tell me if you ever really really luhved a wuhmuhn?" Tarrantino was like, "Colorless Mole, I never really have. I'm afraid of them, a little bit. But I'm okay with that. And don't lose the lyric." Matt just makes me kind of ill. The judges aren't in love. Kara mysteriously criticizes him for choosing a rock song? Matt nervously bites his lip and rubs his meaty thigh.

DANNY GOKEY: Gokey is going to sing "Endless Love" either to his dead wife or maybe to that girl Pam he was going to hook up with at the Cheesecake Factory? No, it's to his dead wife, as he underscores by looking up (into heaven) at the end of his song. Oh, the brutal vote-baiting. Brutal. Gokey is going full in on the dead wife treatment, since Lambert is so undeniably winning the YouTube battle. In the tape, Tarrantino had something really interesting to say. He points out that with a really emotional song like this, hand gestures and arm waving can kind of dissipate the intensity. He instructs Danny to sing it with his hands in his pockets, and let all the emotion come out his face. Well, I dunno if he managed to do it in rehearsal, but in his performance, he's waving and gesturing like he's trying to beat off bees. Seems like another great time for Tarrantino to decapitate someone, but... he is probably still a fan. The judges love the Gokey of it all.

KRIS ALLEN: Is he still here? He's singing a song I haven't heard from the movie "Once," which I haven't seen. He makes kind of a mess of it. It's one of those Scrubs-type songs. He does a lot of falsetto and a lot of wandering around the pitch looking strained and as if he's possibly dying. Total fail.

LIL ROUNDS: Lil is going to sing "The Rose." Again, Tarrantino actually has really good advice, and a good violent analogy too. I had my doubts with the whole "Let's try it with me in a chair" routine, but he's actually been way more useful than the musical icon mentors on this season. Lil sings all over the place, very wobbly and desperate. Now look at her on stage: that stupid magenta light, one spot, light rock arrangement, the usual. Whereas Adam Lambert gets chorused, reverbed, strobe lights, head-banging back-up singer, the works. Poor Lil. She coulda been there.

Best Performance: Let's just say, for the sake of variety, Adam Lambert.
Worst Performance: Kris Allen
Going Home: Kris Allen

I could be totally wrong, but I think Lil is still safe.

Labels: adam lambert, american idol, quentin tarrantino, recap, summary, top seven

This is their moment! Paula is wearing awesome pink bling! Kara is smiling with her mouth hanging open! Someone in the audience is distractedly pulling the limbs off a child!


Tonight is More Money for ITunes week! The Idols will be mentored by the equipment in the studio where they tape Ryan's radio show (it's the show that Dick Clark started!) where Ryan demonstrates how he says, "This is American Idol!" into a microphone. Wow, at the push of a button, music comes out of the speaker! It's like magic, but really predictable unawesome magic. This week, our singers can pick any song that's popular on ITunes, with "popular" defined as "available."

ANOOP DESAI: Anoop sings an Usher song. Who is Usher? Is he that cartoon dog with the square head? Anoop is wearing a grimly ill-fitting black suit with the collar turned up. The epaulets are made of Rainbow Brite puffy stickers, all in a row, and there's a chain around one armpit. His shirt has a Care Bear on it (the one with the raindrops on its gut). I don't know the song, I don't want to be glared at by Anoop, and I have a feeling the backup singers could give us a better show than this horse's ass. What a staggering tool is Anoop Desai. What a quivering, gelatinous mass of toolage is this eyebrow waggler. The judges are unimpressed. Anoop defends himself by clarifying that their opinions are their opinions, adding that his butt has a hole in it, like most other people's butts, and that he wants to be an R&B artist. He is wearing a sparkly dog tag when he says all this. Can anyone else make sense of this man's wardrobe? It just mystifies me, but not in a good way, in a, like, how did the corpse of a hedgehog get stuck in my garbage disposal way.

Tom Colicchio wants me to keep it simple. I do not want Listerine to do six things. Just one thing.

Shock: Every song you hear is available on ITunes!

MEGAN JOY: Megan doesn't care, she's singing Bob Marley's "Turn Your Lights Down Low." This is finally, she says, a song she really loves. She sings it in her own special twitchy gutteral way, channeling Katherine Hepburn and also that lady at the old folks' home that won't shut up and keeps looking at you with that knowing wink, like, we understand each other. But you don't know her. And she smells like cabbage. Megan (not the hypoethetical old lady) is wearing chains and necklaces all over her collarbones, a teal corset top, and jeans. Kara doesn't like it. Paula suggests she sit on a stool with a spotlight and sing a sensitive ballad that rips the heart out of everyone. Simon calls it boring and indulgent. Randy says it took forever. They encourage her to sing Amy Winehouse, Duffy, and Adele.

DANNY GOKEY: Danny tells Randy that last week he had to sing his fifth choice of song. This is not the first time, this season, that Idols have referenced the song choice process, and suggested that they aren't completely in control of the song they sing. It's almost like you start questioning the way they're grilled and blamed about song choice every week, but then you don't, because the shiny lights are so sparkly, you forget about it. He sings "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts. Maybe the mix is off tonight -- everyone sounds kind of wobbly and dim. Danny never quite finds the pitch or the beat. The song is another reminder that his wife died, and that is pretty sad, but... if he sings "The Dance" by Garth Brooks, he is fired. This is the last "my wife died" song of the season. The next one he sings, the floor opens up and he gets dropped into the basement full of wolves and scary clowns. The judges love him. He responds in his squinty oh-golly way.

ALLISON IRAHETA: Allison practices the guitar in her tape, and we get to see her chewed, wrecked, nasty black fingernail polish. Endearing. She appears in a deconstructed prom dress and Pat Benatar hair, awkwardly stumbles through the first guitary part of "Don't Speak" by No Doubt, with the guitar. Then she flips it around to the back to rasp through the song holding the microphone. The guitar was a mistake. I hate this song. Allison looks like a muppet. No one can understand her clothes. Simon calls it "dressy-uppy." Allison is actually a 45 year old mother of three, she works in telemarketing, smoke three packs of Camels a day, and vacuums her trailer in heels. Vote!

SCOTT MCINTYRE: Don't go changing to try and please him. You've never let him down before. Just lead him over to the piano, so he can smile in your general direction. Scott has new fancy George Michael hair and jacket, and sings Billy Joel. I want to believe he is wearing a t-shirt under there. He is, right? The piano is bangy, the singing is loungey, and his sister is so excited she's bouncing out of her headband. Kara loves the eighties hair. Paula is proud. Simon calls it his best performance. I have been told to stop making fun of the blind guy, so... I will say nothing about the waving. The weird zombie waving. But if you saw the show, you know.

I do not like the overdubbed exaggerated eating sounds on Hardee's commercials.

MATT GIRAUD: Matt reminisces about being in the bottom three last week. No one cares at all. We're just waiting for him to get voted off and then release some precious little album on some sweaty little label and someone will call it "Intense!" and then he will go back to playing standards in a piano bar. Dear Matt, if you have to wear outerwear onstage, do yourself the favor of buying a jacket that fits. "Fits" means the sleeves go at least down to your wrists. Jackets that do not go down to your wrists do not "fit." Ill-fitting jackets counteract intensity. All Best, LYDIA. Matt sings a song by The Fray (you know, like in Scrubs!), with the keyboard set up in the middle of the crowd. The judges say it's like that horrible time he sang Coldplay, and that he needs to choose between the rock side of pop and the R&B side. Between the resentful glow of his colorless mole and the apologetic sheen of his giant pink gums, I don't know what to think either.

LIL ROUNDS: Lil has chosen "I Surrender" by Celine Dion, and between her rained on hair and her aging diva gown, she seems like she's going to play it completely boring. She sings it straight Celine for about the first half and then she lets it rip a little bit, funking it up Lil style. Pretty strong -- I was impressed. The judges don't want her to be adult contemporary, though. They want her to stay young. Ryan brings Lil's daughter to Randy so she can punch him for the criticism, but she gives him a big, adorable hug and Lil cries. That should be good for a few thousand votes.

ADAM LAMBERT: Adam is singing my favorite song, "Play That Funky Music (White Boy)" tonight. He does it kinda Lenny Kravitz, but more Aerosmith. Lots of screaming and tongue-waggling and strobe lighting. Whatever! Okay, it's a super-cheesy song, and there is NO WAY on earth to do it without cheese. Adam does cheese in a way that acknowledges the corniness and then flips it up. The judges like it. It's really weird that he chose it, given that he could have chosen, apparently, anything in the whole world, but yeah. He says he had fun and salutes the band.

KRIS ALLEN: Kris confesses that he is trying to make one of those special moments with "Ain't No Sunshine." Kris, don't you know, when you want to make one of those special moments, you need a string quartet on stage with-- oh, there's the string quartet! Awesome! The moment should be along any moment now -- WOOPS, there it is! He knows, he knows, he knows, he knows. The performance is strained, full of anxiety, like if a chimp got up on stage to play the keyboard, and we all sat there kind of listening to the chimp play the piano, but mostly just worrying that he was going to poop or something. The chimp did not poop but he also didn't blow it out the box metaphorically. Kara has three words for him: "That is artistry." Wow, did you really need "That is"? You could have just given him one word. They really want to keep this fuzzheaded poser in the competition -- they gave him the pimp spot and a string quartet, and yet he still comes off like someone's earnest, nervous brother who wonders if you got a chance to listen to his demo yet.

Best performance: My newly refurbished icemaker.
Worst performance: Anoop Desai

Going home: Matt Giraud

It seems like Anoop has some kind of voting mojo that we mere mortals cannot understand. He should have been gone after "Beat it" and yet, here he is. Megan, also, has a strong fan base. Matt is a lame poser -- he was a wild card, nobody likes him, and I think this is his week to damply depart.

Related posts: American Idol

Labels: adam lambert, american idol, itunes, recap, summary, top nine

At the top of the show, Ryan asks us, "Where else can you find a welder, a font designer, a teacher, a unicorn, a packet of spearmint gum, and a secretary, all on the verge of stardom?"


Uh, nowhere. Including on American Idol. This is not the verge of stardom. The verge of stardom is way over there and the welder is not even going to get close enough to spray big manly American sparks on it.

Jasmine Murray: Here I've been thinking that Jasmine would go far on this show because Simon called her commercial in her first audition. The last person he called commercial in an audition became the shuddering volcano of money that is Carrie Underwood. She sings "Love Song" as in "I'm not going to write you a..." and I come away believing that Jasmine is actually not going to write me a love song, because she hates me and everyone like me. If Tyra were here, she'd say, "Do pretty angry, not just angry angry!" Randy says it was weird for him, and that song was "not really for you, for me." Kara reminds us that Jasmine is commercial, twice. Paula's posture is promisingly weird. She looks like there's a string attached to the ceiling and the back of her head, and she's hanging from it loosely. The string does not work on keeping her eyelids up. Randy says that he has to agree with Kyle: Jasmine is commercial. Who is Kyle?

Matt GIRAUD: Matt is the dueling piano player. His tape causes us to reflect with longing on his memorable performance of Georgia behind the big keyboard during Hollywood week. We know it's memorable because we keep being reminded of it. He is the soul guy. The blues guy. He comes out in a two-small windbreaker with torn jeans, and sings that Coldplay song about ruling the world. He promises in his tape that he will bring soul to it, but he changes his mind and brings silly runs and goofy dynamics instead. He also does a hideous heel tapping thing that's really embarrassing, and snaps his fingers in his crotch. Gross. The judges hate the performance, tell him he's never allowed to sing anything but Ray Charles for the rest of the show. Paula defends him by pointing out that she saw him bringing what he brought to it. We the viewers can conclude that bringing soul to Coldplay is like bringing real softness to a razorblade. A razorblade is for cutting things off, not for sleeping on. You don't bring softness to it. Matt looks uncomfortable and whines that he wants to sing songs like that. Simon tells him to zip it. Bye Matt Giraud!

Jeanine Vailes: Jeanine's tape reminds us of how marvelous she is except that I don't think we've seen her at all before. Have fun tonight, Jeanine, because you have absolutely no chance! She comes out in denim short shorts and a sequinned tuxedo jacket, and sings "This Love" by Maroon Five. Her gestures and facials communicate to me that she is killing a weasel. She never quite hits the weasel with the pitch, however. The judges hate her, but compliment her legs. In an endless, painful, post-performance interview, Ryan asks the judges if she has a shot, and Paula waffles around... Jeanine fist-pumps and reminds us that she's 28 and has been doing it for 14 years. She is old! Vote for her! She continues to make strangling gestures and laugh while demanding that we vote. Gross. Bye Jeanine Vailes! Desperation is so un-Danny-Gokey.

Nick Mitchell: This is that guy that pretends to be the sparkly and sweatbanded Normund Gentle. He appears in character, red wristbands and all, to sing that Jennifer Hudson song, "You're Gonna Love Me" in a silly way, fondling the Idol logo at one point, changing up the words to be funny. I really like it -- it's way more entertaining than the usual crapfest where someone sings Whitney Houston on a stool or something. Long live Normund Gentle. The judges respond warmly. Paula even opens her eyes a little bit to call him fun and memorable. Simon and Ryan call each other gay. The interview after the performance goes on, again, forever! Paula *literally* says "Blah blah blah blah bloo" and then we have this exchange:

Ryan: Do you think you deserve a spot in the top twelve?
Normund: Ryan, you ask me that so much. Do you think I do?
Ryan: Probably not, but I'm going to give your numbers anyway.

Wow! Alright, Vote-For-The-Worsters, get ready to dial!


Allison Iraheta: Burgundy-haired high-schooler Allison interviews drunkenly about what it's like doing school at Idol. She repeats several time that it's in a room. Actually Allison we were not expecting it to be in a forest glade or anything. But thanks for really recreating the experience for us. She's 16 but sounds like she's spent 30 years drinking gin and smoking unfiltered Marlboros. Also she has some kind of speech impediment or ill-advised cutesiness that's making certain words come out all squanched up. She sings "Alone" by Heart at the top of her lungs. Just listening to it made my throat hurt. Give that kid a lozenge and a chair. Paula says, "Every season there's one contestant and many that can sing the telephone book." She also compliments Allison's twitchy microphone skills. During the post-song interview, Allison makes lots of neck wrinkles and claims not to remember anything. I'm telling you -- drunk as a goat!

Kris Allen: Kris' interview is dull and stupid. Lights, camera, and here comes another one of those awful Members Only type jackets. What are those stupid collars called? And is this all Heath Ledger's fault? This puny little twerp sings Michael Jackson's "Man in the Mirror" like he's on Sesame Street. A couple things, Kris: Boys don't spell it Kris. They spell it Chris. He sings okay. If everyone else male for the rest of the night defecates on the stage, he just might go through. The judges like him. Kris is suffering from Danny Gokey look-alike syndrome. Same hair, same... whiteness. Same butt packed into jeans that are kind of falling down. Maybe confused old women who are in love with Danny Gokey will vote again tonight for Kris? I dunno.

Hey, commercials.


Megan Joy Corkrey: Megan is another mom -- tonight she brings it with her tattoo sleeve and enormous white teeth. Tonight she's wearing a summer dress, patterned tights and flats, and sings "Girl Put Your Records On." She looks like she's having fun, like she wants to do more, and makes us want to hear more. Paula calls her relevant. Simon wants us to vote for her. Randy calls her drop dead. Kara calls her a package artist. She says, "With the right video, you could be very viable in this market." She teaches Ryan how to do "The Corkrey" which involves white fabric roses hanging off your boobs as you shake your booty. Ryan is missing the mark. I think Megan is going to get votes -- it might be mother's night out in the top 12 -- they're going to have to get a daycare for the contestants this year.

Matt Breitzke: Bald guy with goatee storms idol with mild blinking. Matt is going to be singing Tonic's "If you could only see" because he says it "encapsulates true love." His stage gesticulation looks like running in slow motion. Weird, but seriously, watch it on fast forward and it's going to look like he's jogging. He sings like a weenie -- maybe he's nervous? Maybe he's just secretly a poet and cries. Either way, supergross lullaby vibe there. I think that other oil rig guy is going to take up the "lovable big unlikely wow a blue collar idol how charming" spot. This guy is going home. The judges blame it on poor song choice. I blame it on Matt being a weenie-head who can't rock.


Jesse Langseth: Another single mom. Shes 26 and her daughter is 8. She has long red hair, blue eyes, and she sings Bette Davis Eyes by Kim Carnes. Jesse is one of those singers that tilts her head back and off to the side, like it's very extra heavy and she can barely be bothered to keep it upright. I don't know if this song works in the 90 seconds they give it, but it is a great song. No glory note. No revolutionary arrangement. Randy is not excited, and complains about the limited range. Jesse stands there smugly and is like "yes" and "mm-hmm" on everything the judges say, and she comes off as weirdly pushy. Paula calls her cool and says she will always remember her. Simon calls her forgettable.

Kai Kalama: When Kai auditioned, the judges told him to be more confident. He is the guy who takes care of his ailing mother, giving up everything to make her life easier. I'm sure he's wonderfully virtuous, but I like him because he looks like Sayid. He sings, "What Becomes of the Brokenhearted" with weird squinty facials and constipated dance moves. His mother appears to feel a modicum of pride. The judges gave faint praise, and Simon called it a hotel performance, nothing distinct or original, and capable. Randy said it was too safe.

Up next, the homeschooler.


Mishavonna Henson: Some idols get homeschooled after they become famous. This girl was homeschooled before she got on Idol. She was homeschooled the whole time she was trying to be famous as a child actor, getting parts on Frasier and Lifetime movies! So, homeschoolers, line up to... never mind. She sings "Drops of Jupiter" by that one band, or, she delivers the words in the correct sequence (including the whoas and the nanas) without really connecting them in any meaningful way. Paula is not excited -- the reason, people, is that she didn't sing the meaning of the words, she just sang the sounds. Simon calls her cold. The judges need her to loosen up. Mishavonna promises to be supercrazy if we vote for her. I dunno. Prolly not.

Up next, in the pimp spot (or, should we now refer to it as the Gokey spot?) Adam Lambert. Oh, Adam, please do something memorable. We all know you are capable.


Adam Lambert: Adam is all about the musical theater -- and his experience really shows. He kind of looks like a punk rock Ewan McGregor. Like a Jedi academy dropout. He sings "Satisfaction" with real style and aplomb -- and it's like the professional has arrived and the little tennis-shoe-wearing dorks who preceded him were the amateur warm-up band. Very cool. Love him. He is my favorite. The judges rhapsodize about his greatness.

My picks:

Boy: Adam Lambert
Girl: Megan Joy Corkney
Third place: I really hope Allison Iroheta because she's so weird and twitchy. I also urgently hope for Nick Mitchell and his headbands. However, Matt Giraud and Kris Allen are judge favorites and may prevail. Let's hope Vote for the Worst can come through for us and put Normund Gentle into the finals. That would be truly, truly delightful.

Labels: adam lambert, american idol, megan corkrey, recap, summary, top 36