I couldn't recap the third group, for two reasons. First, I was busy on Tuesday night. Second, and this is totally serious, I think I am going to have a very hard time making fun of the blind guy. Even when I was watching the DVRed show, I had this awful, cold, falling-down-a-well feeling when contemplating ridiculing this blind dude. I think that with this contestant American Idol has won. I am defeated. But tonight, no blind guy. So life can continue in sweet denial of his staggering, high-fiving existence.

Tonight, the eight wild cards sing, and then at the end of the show, the judges will decide whether or not to kill Tatiana's dream which she has worked so hard for, which she wants more than anyone has ever wanted anything in the whole world, and she loves you, she sings for America.

Jesse Langseth: I don't like this blabbermouth, but she looks really good tonight. Black snakeskin minidress and a gold shrug and gold boots, it works. She sings, "Tell Me Something Good" and delivers the silhouette of a sexy, rocky performance. The song didn't give her a chance to shout out a glory note, and Randy noticed some pitch problems. When Jesse is grinning for the camera, I notice her teeth are widely various in shape and size. Okay.

Matt Giraud: Matt responds to the critique that he isn't bluesy enough by putting on a slouch hat and one of those Afghanistanish neck scarves, and swaying like Stevie. He sings a Jackson Five song. Apparently that's just what the judges were looking for. Paula says, "There's no doubt America is loving you right now." Actually, America is not loving him, or we would have voted him in the first time. We think he's pasty, fungusy, lumpy-butted, and crotch-smacky. Okay? Simon accuses him of being a little bit Taylor Hicks. Well-spotted, Simon! Imagine Taylor Hicks had been stuffed into a pipe and buried in the back yard for a couple of seasons, then dug up and halfheartedly rinsed off with goat snot. That's Matt Giraud.

Megan Corkrey: Megan is channeling Duffy. The judges love it.

Von Smith: Von talks on his tape like he's wearing a retainer. Is he? His hair, please, preach it, looks like he had regular hair hanging down on his forehead, and then a helpful wildebeest in a black apron came along and licked him right up his face and right onto the top of his head, leaving a giant tidal wave of hair sticking up. He sings something. Simon says he's being serious and ordinary. Von's chances don't look good.

Jasmine: Jasmine interviews that she hopes everyone will be able to see that she is really commercial and want to keep her in the competition because of her commercialness. She sings "Reflection" from Mulan, by Christina Aguilera. She throws her voice around like a dead chicken on a tetherball stake. I mean, truly, it is belabored and ridiculous. The judges applaud and salivate. Kara says, wow, Jasmine has a really big voice. I didn't know that. Did you know that?

Ricky Braddy: The wildebeest has licked Ricky's head on both sides. He sings "Superstitious" and is completely overpowered by the synthesizer -- a terrible mix. Maybe it played better in the room, but in the mid range, the instruments just dominated him and left him apologizing and gasping on the stage. And, excuse me, but, does his white button-down shirt have elastic across the hem in the back? He's wearing tight black jeans, a banker vest, a black tie, a white shirt with an elastic hem. The judges rant and rave and froth and foam with adoration.

It's clear that they have already picked their finalists going in, and they are matching their comments to their choices, not to the performances in front of them. I'm so disillusioned. I'm spending the commercial break speculating if the tooth fairy is not real either.

Tatiana del Toro: Tatiana has a minor mental breakdown on tape, declaring that she has found love, and she loves singing so much, and that she's ready to sing for America. Then she sings "Saving All My Love For You," the only song she knows. Paula points out that she has a new accent -- Tatiana garbles that she's like Jorge, she thinks in Spanish when she's emotional. Like Jorge, you know, Jorge that got voted into the top 12! Exactly like Jorge! Kara calls this "The Adventures of Tatiana" and wonders which Tatiana we're seeing today. Then we get this glorious dialogue:

Kara: At least she's not crying and holding her heart.
Simon: She will be.

So true. Tatiana goes down on her knees beside Ryan, then Ryan goes down on his knees when Tatiana gets up, then Tatiana goes back down on her knees beside Ryan, and someone says the inevitable, "This is a family show!" and WOW, awkward.

Anoop Dawg: Anoop sings a kind of gruesome karaoke version of "My Prerogative" which is a stupid song, and he does it nervously and with great arm gesturing and stomping around. Simon calls him an enthusiastic dog. Kara says she wanted to DANCE! Dance even! Anoop made Kara want to dance! Paula told him he was relevant, yes, in his bright blue polo shirt and his physicist's haircut, he is relevant. Let's just take a broad guess that they have decided to put Anoop into the finals.

Jasmine is through to the top 12. Ricky is not. He didn't show "enough personality."

Megan and Tatiana come out together. Tatiana's eyebrows are making out with each other. When she hears the news that Megan is going through and she isn't, her nose falls off. She grabs it and reattaches it, making sure it's solidly on there, not going anywhere again. Paula calls her over to the judges dais, where Tatiana stands before her with head bowed and receives the news that she is loved, she is going places, she is going to be an actor. Then she is allowed to kiss Paula's ring.

So, we have Jasmine and Megan, and then my DVR cuts out. I see from my helpful friend the internet that Anoop and Matt Giraud also both made it through. What a fraud, what a messy simulation, what a grinding, thumping, broke-leg charade. All four of the people they chose had been pimped heavily on earlier shows, clearly the judges really wanted those four in the finals and they were going to muscle them on whether we like it or not. Whatever.

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, tatiana del toro, wild card