The stage is silent. The theater is supposed to be empty. Two Davids stand in the dark facing each other. Cook is dressed the way they dress God in those irony flicks. Archuleta wears nothing but a starched diaper. Seacrest leaps to center stage, the lights come up, the crowd roars, and we begin our last results show. As he says "THIS" the two Davids whip their heads around to face the cameras. Wow. And I thought last night was ridiculous.

Let's talk about last night for just a moment: The producers tried, didn't they? They tried to inject a little testosterone into this "battle" between these "boys." Ultimately, however, they are just two weeping, waxy, puling kittens in a shiny basket.

Tonight the judges are wearing Coca-Cola red! The big production number at the beginning showcases the top 12 all in white, supported by last year's top ten from So You Think You Can Dance. I don't even know what song they're singing -- I am blinded by all the earnest well-meaning youth parading around the stage. Next, the two finalists sing a duet to that song about how they say that a hero will save us, but they're not going to stand there and wait.

Well, we've pimped our next talent show (starting tomorrow night!), now it's time to pimp Mike Myers' new movie, "The Love Guru." Pimp that movie, finalists. Pimp that movie, Ryan. The pimping takes forever and is not at all funny. Very awkward, very polite. It *is* funny, though, when Ryan sits down on the guru's remote control magic carpet and some clever operator in the wings drives it fast right up to the edge of the stage and gives Ryan a heart attack. That is funny. I'm afraid Mike Myers has taken a bit of a bowel movement on this new movie though.

Seal and Syesha sloppily sing a song that is possibly called "I have been waiting for you". They politely dance next to each other. Both the duets so far have been extremely messy and ill-rehearsed. Jason Castro reprises his performance of "Hallelujah" on the meaningful moment stool. What weird, tremulous camera angles we get! In one shot, we look right up his nose, past the "on" light on the microphone, and for a second it was almost as if his shaking, sweating hands were comign right at my face. YUCK.

Smile and buy a FORD! The pimpmercial this week takes the form of an outtakes reel from pimpmercials from days gone by. Yah, we don't care to buy your terrible automobile.

David and David have changed clothes again and Ryan gives them the keys to matching Escape Hybrids.

the girls, in red, sing "Works Hard for the Money' and other tunes by Donna Summers. Amanda Overmyer is in droid mode. I think she does not feel confident with the choreography. All of them seem just a little bit tense. But WAIT! Behind those completely inexplicable break dancers, it's the REAL DONNA SUMMERS! She wants us to stomp our feet on the ground. Her microphone is really glittery. Even Ryan Seacrest has to obey, as he peels off his jacket and joins the head-spinning break dancers stage right. Incredible. Now she's singing Last Dance and the girls are parading about. What is WRONG with Amanda Overmeyer? Is she bitter or just drunk? Even on the final pose, a nice fist-pump for disco, she kind of limply extends a wrist as if it's hurting her. BRING IT, AMANDA. You bought this donkey, now you have to ride it home, no matter how bad it stinks.

Wasn't there already a Hulk movie?

Carly Smithson and Michael Johns sing "The Letter." As in "my baby done wrote me a letter." This is the only performance so far that I like. Yes, it's shouty and cheesey, but at least they look like they're human. And having fun. Ryan takes this opportunity to remind us that we can see these people on tour this summer. Neat.

Jimmy Kimmel does some stand-up. He ends with, "May God bless our next American Idol, whoever he may be."

Time for the guys to do their group number. Hey remember that guy that was a gay stripper! They do "Back in the Summer of 69" and Michael does so well on it! The others sound ridiculous singing this song, but Michael really should have done this when he was on the show. OOP! SURPRISE! It's the real Bryan Adams! he looks a little wild and homeless and a little like Lance Armstrong auditioning for The Traveling Wilburys. Little pitchy, there, Bryan Adams. Tom Petty you ain't. Ghastly, overall. The first 15 seconds, when it was just Michael Johns singing the first verse of "Summer of 69", were quite good. The rest dire.

Hey, everybody, it's Jordin! In a hot pink dress she introduces us to the idea of an American Idol Experience at Disney World. Did I not predict this time last year that Disney and American Idol would form an unholy alliance over this fresh-faced teen?

David Cook and ZZ Top sing "Sharp Dressed Man." David does much better in front of a rock band than he does as a soloist, but the song goes on too long. He doesn't have the intensity for a lead singer. All his intensity leaks out his droopy stance. Thank god, not an ironic banker vest in sight tonight, though. I just think he needs a bit more license. More slam.

Brooke White sings "Teach Your Children Well" with Graham Nash. Wow, a giant swollen toe is sticking out from under her gown -- is she barefoot? Gross. Okay, you can sing a hippie song with a wooden guitar dumped in your lap, but you can't do it without shoes.

Okay, I am pretty sure I just saw a Guitar Hero commercial with David Cook sporting the Best Look in the World, as defined by Andy Sandberg on SNL. No blurred bits, but, too much for me.

Next to perform is a curly-headed boy band. Ryan lets the women in the crowd introduce them, and then don't articulate clearly, so I don't know who they are. I don't want to know, either. They all need punched in the shorts. Oh, the Jonas Brothers, Ryan tells us.

Time for the worst audition clips. The "I Am Your Brother" guy in the feathery hat gets the USC cheerleaders and marching band to back him up on stage. Ryan and Paula and Randy join in. That's the kind of levity I can appreciate. But I will not purchase the ringtone, like you did.

One Republic now performs "Apologize." Didn't this squinting tool do this same song on some other finale show? Or was that SNL? SYTYCD? Falsetto a little quaky, there, tool. WAIT, here comes Archuleta to sing it WAY BETTER than the original guy. Nobody ever said that Archuleta couldn't blow. Strangely, the original Apologize guy insists on singing the high note every time, although he's clearly almost breaking it off on that note, and he gets more and more weird and barky and tense through the song. As if he know Archuleta could hand his ass to him, if Archuleta was let off the chain. Or whatever. Who cares.

Jordin Sparks lumbers out to sing her cute little pop song, in a metallic gold dress that's in the shape of Alice's Wonderland frock, or... mayeb something a six year old might wear to a piano recital, if the six year old was wearing last year's five-year-old dress and showing a little too much knee. She won't stand STILL either, she keeps stomping across the stage, even SKIPPING, even TWIRLING!? Totally embarrassing. Starting to feel like this show will never be over.

Time to pimp another movie. Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey Jr. pretend to be Gladys Knight's back-up singers. It goes on too long and Robert Downey Jr.'s comedy reminds me of Amanda Overmeyer's opening act demeanor. Or like a gay dog trainer, the kind that makes you wonder, is he wearing mascara?

Carrie Underwood is up next. She's wearing a long white suit jacket as a dress, and it's not long enough. She has also attached some kind of curtain to each sleeve. The song is about how she got drunk and had a one night stand. It looks like she had a one night stand with a middle aged bride and woke up and threw on half of her girlfriend's demure and mature wedding dress on the way out. Accessorizing it with a shower curtain. Wasn't her last hit called "Jesus Take the Wheel"? What happened to that whole thing?

The top twelve sing again. I feel fondly about them all. George Michael sings. I do not feel fondly. He is wearing giant brown-tinted sunglasses and looks like a scary community theater enthusiast. The song is supposed to have some kind of social message, at least if you believe George Michael's *very expressive* left hand. I think George Michael is trying to become Roger Waters, right there on the American Idol stage. Is this song from a musical? Paula is CRYING. The very expressive left hand is now signing "HELP" and pointing heavenward. It is detaching from his arm and flying around the theater wiping everyone's tears. Just when the song seems over, it's not over. Apparently the guy operating the spot thinks it's over. And behind George Michaels, the sun sinks into a body of water. The message must be global warming.

TIME FOR RESULTS: The winner is David Cook.

Okay, in the SECOND after Ryan said "Cook" my Tivo ended the show. So I saw no reaction, no aftermath, and did he sing a "winning song" or what? I have no idea what happened after the two hour mark. Someone tell me.

I am shocked and PLEASED.

Labels: american idol, finale, recap, television

Ryan predicts devastation for whoever comes in third tonight. He says that historically this has been true. I wish I could remember anything about any of the other third place contestants from other seasons. Tonight we all know it will be Syesha, based on the fact that Randy told her last night she was #3. Ryan then reminds us that the judges will be there to salve the wounds. Paula's boobs erupt over her deep v-neck dress in an enthusiastic wave, as her back drips out over the back. Salve. Precious salve.

The contestants sing "Ain't No Stopping Us Now" and execute a dance routine that reminds me of the kiddie jazz class at my kids' dance school. Median age 9. David Cook looks like a David Cook robot. Syesha is wearing white tennis shoes. Archuleta looks like he's been recently beaten with sticks. Ford reminds us how safe their cars are and how high-tech their designers are. When the commercial is over, I immediately forget that the safe company is Ford. I think it might be Velveeta or Target.

Ryan claims that the votes this year are closer! than! ever! It is the closest vote yet!!! Fifty six billion people voted! Don't believe the rumors, people! This show is on fire.

Next we suffer through the video recap of last night. Nothing more predictable, nothing more loathesome, nothing more boring. I'll tell you what -- Syesha looks like a really nice person. She has a beautiful voice and a lot of pizzazz. Cook is an insufferable, white, puckered breast. Archuleta is a frightening manchild whose puppet strings are nearly visible in HD. I'm almost sure Syesha is going home.

WAIT! HERE COMES FANTASTIA ON COCAINE! She has red hair, several extra butts, and a sequinned pantsuit! Fantasia is the only Idol finalist I have ever loved, and now I remember why. She is omg farking crazy. She's doing speed-farked, funked up, psycho-disco. Unbelievably uncomfortable. At one point, we cut to Simon Cowell's face and he's registering complete horror and disbelief. Ryan interviews her, revealing that she has gold braces? Or is wearing a small strip of orange peel instead of top teeth? At the end of the interview they pretend to make out. Fantasia is very sweaty. Wow. NOW THAT IS LIFE PEOPLE. Take a memo, Archuleta. Breathing means in and out, in and out. Blood goes out to the cells, back to the lungs for more oxygen. SEE? LIVELY-LIKE. Ya little dim-bulb.

Ryan calls Archuleta to the stage. He's wearing a Members Only type jacket.

ARCHULETA HOME TRIP: In Utah, cheerleaders hug David. A newscaster asks him, "Does it feel like it's been a long trip to this point?" David reveals, "It feels like a lot has happened." Everywehre he goes in his home town, girls are screaming. Seriously, during this whole segment, there are screaming teenagers. They go to like THE MALL and stuff, and there are like many teenage girls in hoodies! Yeah, I'm pretty sure this little weeping boil is going to win. He wipes away the tears with his stumpy little dwarf digits and says, "GOSH!" He didn't mean to cry, he explains, but "Gosh." Again and again with the "Gosh." A man whose mustaches could pick his neighbors' noses declares today David Archuleta Day and the manchild sings "Imagine" again. All the way through the trip his tiny taut mother and his looming, edgy father hover over him like trainers around a fancy dog that has learned how to open mail.

Back on stage, he says "Gosh!" again, and Ryan reassures him: It's alright to show emotion. You know what David? Really it's not. Not alright. You know what he's kind of like? He's like a nervous, emasculated Jerry Mather on Leave it to Beaver. With all the gosh and awww gee and wowzer, you could almost see him in a plaid button-down shirt and belted flat-front pants. But... I'm sorry to say that even the Beav is more masculine than our Archie. Sorry.

SYESHA MERCADO'S HOME TRIP: Syesha is not followed by screaming girls, but she does have a police escort. With good reason: Someone hands her a baby as she's saying "I can't I can't I can't." Syesha's crowds are weird. Then she goes home and her father reveals that he has struggled with drugs and alcohol, but this has given him a reason to stay clean. And a purpose. Wow, way to lay your shit on your daughter. At her old high school, Syesha imparts this wisdom: Dreams do come true, so make it happen. Then she goes up in a helicopter and meets the mayor of Sarasota, an elderly woman in purple pants, who does a handstand for Syesha. Back in the limo Syesha delivers an actual moment of true emotion -- crying and clutching a Sarasota snow globe she says she is living her dream. A NICE GIRL. I HOPE SHE DOES WELL.

DAVID COOK'S HOME VISIT: In Kansas City, MO, a newscaster says "WE ARE ON COOK LOOK LIVE!" Then he lets DC do the weather. A crying blonde wants him to win so bad! Lots of people in the crowd at his outdoor show have AC/DC insignia, and have written on their palms. Someone raises a white cut-out of an electric guitar with DC on it. DC is the tool master! Then he takes a trip to his old elementar school where he surprises his elementary school music teacher who is sitting there waiting on stage in a crowded gymnasium with a "David Cook is My Idol!" t-shirt on. She was totally shocked. No, but, that was kind of nice. Then he has a parade, a ball game, and more. Lots of peopel scream and wave golden pom pons and DC sheds a few manly tears. PEH. I'm sure everyone decent and good will point out that he took his brother along everywhere he went, and that was probably a decent and good thing to do, but I will not forget the ironic banker vests and pink ties.

Results after the commercials! Fast forward omg fast forward!!!!!!

We're back. Randy tells the final three they did a good job, they should be proud. Paula says, "You're all standing in a path that's reserved for nothing but great things to come!" Simon says he likes these three. He predicts a real humdinger next week.

In the finals: David (gosh! gosh! oh my gosh!) and David (grim smile)

"We say goodbye to Syesha tonight." She looks unsurprised. A tiny bit annoyed maybe, but in no way surprised. So next week, David vs. David. May the best lip-quiver win.

Labels: american idol, recap, television, top three

I could not bear to recap the final three. I have the results show TIVO-d and I plan to recap that. But, not tonight. I mean, can you bear it? Watching these two in the finals is going to be physically painful.

Here's something:

I found the Empire Records soundtrack under a CPU here in our office. The movie, "Empire Records" was based on that old standard plot: Let's put on a show to save the community center! Only in this case the community center was a record store. The reason the movie was iconic was because of the soundtrack which featured such early 90s bands as Toad the Wet Sprocket and The Gin Blossoms. I quite liked the soundtrack -- played it all the time the summer after grad school.

So, on this CD is Edwyn Collins' old song "A Girl Like You." Hearing it, I remembered that when the song was being played on the radio there was a lyric that I could never understand. Now that I have the internet, I decided to look it up. Here's what the lyrics site told me. Note the bolded lines:

I`ve never known a girl like you before
I`ll just like any song from days of you
He coming knocking out there on my door
Well I`ve never met a girl like you before

(Okay, so, the lyric is "days of yore" and that was beyond this interpreter. Furthermore, applying some common sense to line three we would probably come up with "Here you come knocking on my door," but basically that is the first section of the song. On we go.)

Give me just a taste so I want more
Now my hands are bleeding and my knees are raw
`Cause now you got me crawling, crawling on the floor
I`ve never known a girl like you before

Accurate.

Wave me a college
The devil in me
I hoped you got `em talking
At a fare aclee
Hope that I`m talking at a gare aclee
No time talking `bout the way I feel

Fare aclee? Gare aclee? Hey, wave me a college, would you? I heard "at a fare aclee" as "metaphorically" and "at a gare aclee" as "allegorically" but THAT IS JUST ME.

And I`ve never known a girl like you before
Never, never, never, never
Never known a girl like you before

And I've never known a word like "aclee" before.

This old time changed so much
Don`t see where I belong
Too many poor singers
Not enough put their thumbs and now

This was the line I was looking for: sounds like "Too many PUDDASS singers. Not enough PUDDASS songs." I never would have thought it was "not enough put their thumbs." And I still don't.

You`ve come along
Yes, you`ve come along
And I never met a girl like you before
It`s alright.



Here's a link to the real lyrics, if you care. Apparently it's "protest singers" and "protest songs."

Labels: music

Remember when Bo Bice and Kelly Pickler and Taylor Hicks used to climb down off the stage and stomp around on risers behind the judges and storm around the studio slapping hands?? Man, those were the days. This is final four week and nobody has condescendingly high-fived the fat guy in row five. What's wrong with these cringing pansies?

Ryan introduces tonight's theme: The Rock 'N' Roll Hall of Fame. He makes bold statements about how deep and wide the ocean of songs from which the idols can choose -- lies, lies and falsifications. This is just another way to reintroduce Beatles Night III.

DAVID COOK: DC is going to sing "Hungry Like a Wolf" by Duran Duran. The mix is completely mysteriously uneven, with the vocals way out front and bald, and the band way down and kinda fuzzed out. It sounds like a man in a snakeskin jacket is standing out in a field of close-cropped grass shouting "DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO" while far away in a tree a band plays solemnly. Maybe in the room it sounded good, but at home we notice things we should never have to notice, like DC delivering that last line as "Helluva Wine! Dark Sugar Wine!" Do we need to mention how unsavory his pooched out, faded daisy, bee-stung lippage looks when he's nodding and giving us Blue Steel during the nonsensical "doo doo doo" parts? Did Brooke White not teach us all the important lesson that covering songs with "doo-doo" makes you sound like hot greasy poo-poo? Randy says it was mediocre. Paula says she has a big appetite. Simon thought it was copycat. He didn't make it his own. DC stands there like a double-dog-douche squinting and nodding and mouthing "thank you" to the girls in the front row.

SYESHA MERCADO: Syesha sits on the interview stools underneath a glamorous new wig, wearing a gold shift dress, with the coke bottles bubbling behind her, and pimps the tour. Good job. Way to show up. She's going to sing "Proud Mary" by Tina Turner although she is a little intimidated by all the choreography and the fact that it's been covered a hundred times. She is going to have fun with it. Uh-oh. Look out. Fun is about to be had. Hide your children. Cover the fruit! Syesha is about to do that thing with her hands! She does the first verse at a slow tempo while rotating her booty around in complex pattern. Believable. Moderate. The kind of dance move that could almost lead a person to be optimistic about the future. Then as the tempo picks up, there is a transitional period where Syesha convulses rhythmically, shaking her stiff new weave back and forth. Finally she does something that looks like she's trying to get a cat off her head. Apparently still under attack by a mad cat, she whirls around the stage, strutting, shrieking, and stomping. Randy and Paula froth with admiration. Simon says it was a lame rip-off of Tina Turner. I agree with... the invisible cat that was trying to de-weave Syesha. Go back to the signature hair puffs, girl.

JASON CASTRO: Jason gives us the following info in his interview: Tonight's theme is the rock 'n' roll hall of fame. There were a lot of songs on the list that he knew. He is going to do one of the ones that he knows pretty well. He is going to sing a song by Bob Marley. It is called "I Shot the Sheriff." He delivers this very enlightening information with the facial expression and vocal inflection of a twelve year old talking about her cute English teacher. So gross. Jason starts off well, in my opinion. I think if he'd done it all without the guitar, and if the mix had been better, so that his voice wasn't all alone out there on the stage with the band in a back room behind a door with a towel stuffed into the crack, he might have laid down a really great performance. Swinging the guitar back and forth, and with the vocal all out of whack, it did kind of suck. All the judges hated it. Simon calls it a first round audition type massacre. Apparently you're not allowed to do Bob Marley, although the song was, as we ALL KNOW, chosen for Jason by the producers. Randy and Simon go through the charade of disagreeing with the song choice, acting like Jason did Ave Maria with his finger up his nose. Jason laughs through the criticism, and then mouths "VOTE! VOTE!" to the camera while his number is being given.

DAVID ARCHULETA: David sings "Stand By Me." It was all very fine I'm sure. I am too bored by David Archuleta to say anything new. The judges fawn and throw roses as usual. Simon says he could have gotten on stage and whistled a song and would have done better than "the last one." I guess it's time for Jason Castro to go home. Good thing Vote for the Worst is on his side now, along with all the fourteen year old girls in the country.

DAVID COOK: On the stools, David interviews that "the par that I've set for myself on this show is really high." Yes, par. He's going to sing "Baba O'Riley" by The Who. He sings it kinda like a Bryan Adams song. Very dull and mainstream. All the edge of a playground ball. I forgot to listen to what the judges said.

SYESHA MERCADO: Syesha lets us know that the civil rights movement was a pivotal moment in history. This is, she adds, a pivotal movement in her history. So, top four of American Idol, civil rights movement, "A Change is Gonna Come" by Sam Cook. She looks great in a beautifully fitted satin evening gown. I hope she enjoys this performance, because it's her last. Goodbye, Syesha. Jason Castro is too cute and giggly and stoned and popular to be defeated by you. Randy didn't like it. Paula gives her a standing O. From one woman in a golden evening dress to another, it was a superstar performance. "Welcome to your dream, Syesha. This is it for you." And here come the tears. Save some for tomorrow, though, honey. Simon agrees with Paula: she sang it really really well. Syesha sobs and chokes and hiccups "It means a lot to me" then takes the opportunity to remind us about the civil rights movement and how she researched the song. That info is not exactly buried in the annals of history, sweetie.

JASON CASTRO: Back in the meaningless world of hey-whatsup snap your fingers and giggle, Jason signs "Mr. Tambourine Man" on the meaningful stool with a yellow spot on him. Unfortunately on "jingle jangle morning" he sings "der dee-der dee-der" with a silly shrug. Woops! Forgot the words! You know what? I still pick him over David Careful-hair-strands Cook or Syesha Acting-is-my-true-passion Mercado or David Amniotic-sac-head Archuleta. Okay? His performances are the only ones I'd want to listen to again. Forgotten lines notwithstanding. Ass-headed delivery of Bob Marley notwithstanding.

I'll tell you the truth, friends. I'm weary of this smug, manipulative, piss-faced show, okay? END IT. Crown that wet little hobbit and let's get on with our lives.

DAVID ARCHULETA: Omigod, I thought the show was over. But, DA is back and he's going to sing "Love Me Tender." He says it will be exciting to sing a really romantic love song on the big stage. I'm so excited I just stuffed a couch cushion into each ear and put my eyes out. As for the song, I can't separate it from the dog food commercial that utilized these lyrics in like 1990. At the end of the song, we get such a tight shot on David's moist, earnest face that I can count his nascent eyebrows. The judges start pulling out their organs and offering them to David as spares. Simon: "You didn't beat the competition tonight. You crushed the competition tonight."

Best performance: David Archuleta
My pick: Jason Castro
Boring the plasma out of me: David Cook
Going home: Syesha Mercado

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, television, top four