The Harpoonist: March 2008

American Idol Songwriting Contest: 2008 Entries

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By Lostcheerio on Friday, March 28, 2008 at 9:21 AM.

Labels: 2008, american idol, songwriting contest

American Idol Songwriting Contest: 2007 Entries

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By Lostcheerio on at 9:00 AM.

Labels: 2007, american idol, songwriting contest

American Idol Finals: Top Ten

4 Comments
By Lostcheerio on Tuesday, March 25, 2008 at 10:03 PM.

It’s Tuesday night and I am very satisfied with the choices I’ve made in my life. Are you? I choose not to use “body mousse.” I do not want my skin to drink anything. My skin is lucky if it gets to gnaw on a chicken bone. Tonight’s theme: A song from the year they were born. Bring on the baby pictures.

RAMIELE MALUBAY: Ramiele was *really* cute as a little baby. Her mother interviews that she used to be a mad biter. Awesome. Tonight she’s singing “Alone” by Heart. Production brings out the murder red lights, and the mosh pit begins their weary, aerobic arm-waving. Am I the only one who doesn’t give a sailor’s pants what song, what note, what fist-pump tonight? I mean good grief. Do I really miss Amanda Overmyer? Ramiele shouts and squinches up her eyes and hears the ticking of the clock, and is wearing pleated shorts and her bra strap is showing. Randy reveals Ramiele is sick, and then slams her for choosing too big of a song. He calls it a mess. Paula looks like she’s been hit in the face with a dirty pan tonight. She says she gives Ramiele a huge amount of “credit and brave” because she knows Ramiele is really sick. Simon predicts she will get through in spite of everything. Ryan asks her if she had the flu, and she says, cryptically, that “It just went bye-bye.” Come on Ramiele, they’re trying to get you the sympathy votes. Can you not cough and cry a little?

JASON CASTRO: Jason Castro, your “lovable doofus” routine is starting to get old. Not just old but smelling of Pickler. He actually said in his interview that he’s been told he’s an Aries, and then said, “Did I say that right? I always feel like I’m pronouncing it wrong.” Ay-rees. Not tough, Jason. For true Picklerosity, try mispronouncing "faux." Then he says when he was little he looked pretty much like he looks now, except smaller. Wow. I haven’t seen a baby with two feet of dreadlocks and eyebrows like angry caterpillars in a good long time. He sings “Fragile” by Sting. I like this song, and I’d like his version of it too probably, even the pandering Spanish verse he puts in there, if I didn’t have to look at his head bobbing around and his Sesame Street facials. Randy calls it nice. Paula’s left eye has wandered over and become entangled in her earring. And she’s wearing fingerless gloves. Simon says this is Jason's second bad week. Jason needs to take it a little bit more seriously. He says it’s like someone busking at a Subway station. Too laid back, too much in his own world. He won’t win if he keeps doing that week after week. I disagree. I think his strategy is good. He’s beloved by teenaged girls and he’s under the radar.

SYESHA MERCADO: She was born when I was a sophomore in high school. Great. Her mom interviews that she was a whiner. Her interview makes me switch over to check that Gene Simmons is recording properly. She sings “If I Were Your Woman” wait, sorry, “If I Was Your Woman.” They don’t allow subjunctive mood on American idol. Her singing was so boring that I had to go and look up the link to subjunctive mood on Wikipedia just to distract myself. Randy and Paula froth and foam about how great she was, best ever performance, she is the new dark horse, this is the moment, right here, the clouds are opening, the sun is coming through, doo-doo-doo-doo, and when Simon says "There are limits on her vocals" he is met with boos and hostility. America was too busy getting a diet Coke during Syesha's song to take a position on this burning hot controversy.

CHIKEZIE: Chikezie's pin-striped grey suit looks like he bleached the floor in it and wasn't careful with his sleeves. He interviews that back then and right now, he is just trying to be as happy as he can be. Wow, look out. The inspiration is flowing through this stagnant marsh like a dying toad tonight. He sings "If Only For One Night" by Luther Van Dross. Yes! The loungey, groovy, elderly, sleazy Chikezie is back! Thank god -- I thought he might almost be cool with all that bluegrass hoo-hah. Randy says it's too old. Paula calls him a throwback. Simon thought it was cheesy.

BROOKE WHITE: She remembers playing a song on the piano that she'd heard on TV. She taught herself to play by ear. Tonight she's behind the piano again. After a fairy grotesque mis-step at the beginning of the song, she recovers and launches a nice girly version of "Every Step You Take." A bit melodramatic, a bit feely, but here's the real issue: Brook White's hands are the hands of an eighty-seven year old man. I don't know what she did with the old man whose hands she stole. And I do feel terribly bad about whatever happened to her that made her saw off her own hands. Props to the girl who can tickle the ivories with unmoisturized hand grafts from an octogenarian. Yes, I'm breaking this story here: Brooke White's hands are all that's left of Ronald Reagan. Plus, her outfit is all a little eighth-grade recital. Randy says it was just alright. Paula liked it better than last week. So, am I the only jerk who's hateful and cold enough to draw attention to this beautiful, smart, funny girl's strangely wrinkled hands? Stab a weak bitter pin into perhaps her one deformity? Only time and Technorati will tell.

MICHAEL JOHNS: Finally, someone born in the seventies. His parents interview that he was very competitive as a child. He demonstrates his "I'm too good for you" look that he used to use on his sister when beating her at cards. It was actually kind of genuine and fun. He sings "We Will Rock You" and "We Are the Champions" as a brutal, shouty, boot-stomping medley and brings the house down. There is a lot of screaming. Randy calls it his best performance yet. Paula says he's found his song. Simon calls it memorable and says he has star potential.

CARLY SMITHSON: Her mom reveals she's named for Carly Simon and that she used to have an afro. She sings "Total Eclipse of the Heart." The verse is weird -- the backup singers are kind of intruding on her. Then the chorus peaks a little soon, leaving her with nothing better to do except explode a capillary. Look, they've shown her much-tattooed husband. Must be her time to leave the show. Randy says he doesn't like the whole rock thing. Paula says she could take every song that Paula hates and make her love it. Paula has obviously decided to say only nice things. Simon calls her tense and uptight during the performance. Ryan: "Were you tense, Carly?" Carly: "I went to the bathroom right before I sang." Ryan: "Did you flush?" Uhhhh...

DAVID ARCHULETA: Apparently he has brought his girlfriend and hopeful prom date to the studio with him tonight. His family interviews that he is perfect in every way and that everyone loves him. In fact, his mom admits that he poops ice cream. He sings "We Are the World" or some other song that asks rhetorically how long we can look at each other down the barrel of a gun? Everyone in the studio offers him one of their kidneys or a lobe of their livers. Randy liked it. Apparently the song is by some Australian dude. Paula lovingly complains "Couldn't you choose an American composer?" Hey, you all just did The Beatles for two straight weeks. Your damn point? Simon says it's like at a theme park when you have all kinds of animals surging around you and I completely agree! It's like the music they play after the fireworks at Epcot.

And now a commercial for the world's most capable truck: Kristy Lee Cook.

KRISTY LEE COOK: She interviews that her brother and sister used to put their hands over their ears on car trips and beg their parents, "PLEASE MAKE HER STOP SINGING." Yes, we feel your pain, Cook siblings. Tonight Kristy has dragged out that excellent old vote-getter, "God Bless the USA." Wow, with the most predictable arrangement ever. She has that hair style where two little strands hang down, one on each side of her perfectly symmetrical face. Randy calls it very nice. Kristy calls it respectful. Simon says it was her best performance, and the most clever song choice he's seen in years. Kind of reminiscent of Carrie Underwood doing "Let Freedom Ring" fifty times.

DAVID COOK: He remembers having a very large skull as a baby. His baby pictures confirm this. He got his first guitar at age 2, and we see a scrapbook page of a young David in tube socks thrashing a guitar, with a caption that says "This is where it all started." Kind of cute. He sings a kind of Eddie Vedder zombie waltz version of Billy Jean. Totally great. Brilliant, genius, amazing. And you know how much I hate everything. Randy predicts he will win. He is the most original, and "blazing molten hot." Paula is blown away, she can't sit down, he is so smart, brave, and willing. Simon says it could have been insane or amazing, but it was amazing. We all love how this guy covers old songs! It makes us like old songs again! Go David Cook! No banker's vest tonight. But wait. When I rewound the TIVO (yes) to see it again (fer reals) I heard Ryan say, introducing the song, that it is Chris Cornell's version of Billy Jean. So, not so original. Still. Still. Chris Cornell notwithstanding.

Update: Okay, you tell me if he ripped off this arrangement and then stood there taking laud and honor for being so creative and daring.

Chris Cornell's version here:

David Cook's version here:

I think his performance was great, but the bottom line is that the 3/4 version was not his idea.

Best performance: David Cook
Worst performance: Carly Smithson
Going home: Syesha Mercado

Labels: american idol, finals, recap, summary, top ten

Drama at the Disco

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By Lostcheerio on Sunday, March 23, 2008 at 12:14 AM.

Well, not the disco. But "Walgreen's" is neither alliterative nor sexy. Also, Walgreen's is not actually relevant. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I had errands to run today, and I ran them with vigor. By the end of the day though, my vigor was fading. One of my errands was to pick up some prints which I had ordered at Walgreen's online photo ordering joint this morning. I pulled into the drug store parking lot, left the kids in the van with the relative, and sauntered into the store. I noticed that Walgreen's had upgraded its photo center. I was mildly pleased, as anyone would be, when something gets upgraded that you neither cared passionately about nor felt dissatisfied with before the upgrade occurred.

It was, like, a counter, with like a guy behind it, and bins of photos and stuff.

Me: I'm here to pick up some photos for Lydia.
Guy: Linda?
Me (irritated): LI-DEE-YUH.
Guy (rooting around in the standard sized envelopes): Nothing here for you.
Me: Well, there were a couple of 8x10s. It would be in a larger envelope.
Guy: (rooting around in the larger bin): Nope. Nothing here for Lydia.
Me: Okay, I ordered them online.
Guy: Ohhh, you ordered them ON-LINE. Well, that all goes through Kodak. And they have to send them to us, and then we--
Me (interrupting rudely): Yeah, the web site said they would be done half an hour ago and I got an email saying they were ready. So.
Guy: Well, are you sure this is the right store? Because there's another store on--
Me (interrupting rudely, with gritted teeth, sarcastically raised eyebrows, and disingenuously widened eyes): Yes, I know. I ordered them sent to Walgreen's on 810 21st Street. I've ordered prints here many times. I'm sure about the address. Thanks.
Guy: But are you sure you're at Walgreen's?

And at this point Guy points to his bright blue vest and there on the lapel is the logo: Rite Aid. At first I thought, "Rite Aid ate Eckerd last month. Have they now burped, swivelled, and eaten Walgreen's???" And then I remembered pulling into the parking lot of... Rite Aid. With my van, and me driving it. The next realization I had was that I was a giant ass.

Guy was a cool-looking gay dude and up until now this had been kind of annoying me because I was in full mommy mode and he was coyly denying me my pictures. At this point, though, I was glad. Because Guy and I had a good laugh over it. But seriously, I am now in negative karma in a bad bad way. On the day before Easter, I practically assaulted a photo counter employee and then haughtily revealed that I had no idea WHERE I WAS.

The Easter Bunny is going to bring me a fried goat turd.

UPDATE: When I was looking for an image to illustrate this point, I google-image-searched "wallgreen's" and obviously I spelled it wrong. And result #11 was a picture of Joshilyn and Stephen Colbert. Investigating further, I find that she also spelled WALGREEN'S with two l's in her astute observation about where you can buy underpants. So, we both assed our spelling of Walgreen's, but she's the one that got to meet Colbert. IS THIS THE BEGINNING OF MY KARMA SMACKDOWN!?

Yes, Google, I did mean Walgreen's.

Labels: truth

American Idol Recap: Finals: Top Eleven 11

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By Lostcheerio on Tuesday, March 18, 2008 at 11:30 PM.

After a week of breathless anticipation: What songbook will the Idols be digging their pink sweaty hands into this week?! Ryan announces that tonight America’s number one show will celebrate America’s number one band. The Beatles! Yeah, the BEATLES! I love that band! But, wait, didn’t we just have Beatles night last week? No, that was something entirely different. That was Lennon/McCartney night. This is Beatles night. See the difference? Ryan is wearing pewter. Ricky and the band are ready to play. On what crazy mixed-up globe are the Beatles America's number one band?

Ryan gives us a refresher on how the show works, in case we have some "new friends" in the audience. What is this, the Polka Dot Door? If you get that reference, please join me for hip replacement on Friday. Then he introduces the judges.

Ryan: Randy, this the first time we've expanded on a theme for two weeks. Do you think that's a good idea?
Randy: Uh, yeah.
America: NO. WORST DECISION EVER. CURSE YOU.

Interviews tonight will be about the finalists' most memorable moment so far.

AMANDA OVERMYER: She interviews that her most memorable moment is being able to connect with the audience, then delivers a monotonous and shrieky version of "Back in the U.S.S.R." The most embarrassing element of the performace is her insistence on these unironic interpretive gestures and facials. Like, really, no really honey, disconnect the *phone.* Randy: Perfect song but "pitchy." 7 out of 10. Paula: A little ahead of the beat, but she's "quintessential, authentic, who you are." How about a ballad one of these weeks? Simon: It's the same thing week after week. She's got to depart from the formula or she is in danger of being boring. Amanda: WHOA Ryan, WHOA. I've got a minute and a half to show people my armpits. And I want to really show my armpits and also I want to pantomime regurgitating into the microphone. I want people to say, Hey, I wanna go see that girl with the strangely muscular armpits who urps up da phantom bird yak on stage! And I want them to see that! That's not what's going to be happening if I have to sing some stupid ballad or sumpin'! WOOOOOO!

KRISTY LEE COOK: On the stools, Randy pulls out her little photo album and shows America Kristy's dog and horse. I guess Ryan wants to keep this bland bit of gristle on the show another week. She interviews that her most memorable moment is nearly being voted off a bunch of times. Yes, yes, pathos thy initials are KLC. Then she reveals that she picked "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away" based on the title alone, and she heard it for the first time this week. Wow, Kristy, I didn't think I could loathe you any more than I already did, but you just keep surprising me, girl, with your proletarian jaw and your rural smile. The arrangement is very *-=magic show=-* with big reveals and effects and dramatic pauses. She sings it as if she's reading the phone book. The only sign of life from Kristy her signature disturbing head wobble she's devised to build tension. The audience worries if her head is firmly attached. Simon calls it musical wallpaper. Kristy to Simon: I can blow you out of your socks and you know it! Wow, such trash talk from someone wearing a Hefty bag (a Hefty bag that someone in wardrobe has attacked with a bedazzler.)

DAVID ARCHULETA: His most memorable moment was when he forgot his lyrics last week. He says his first thought was "dang it" and describes the experience as "messing up really bad." He sees this second week of Beatles as a chance for redemption (except he would probably articulate that as "making stuff better from when it was bad last time like"). With many fierce stares and much lip-moistening, he sings a Josh Groban-esque "The Long and Winding Road." His suit coat is brown, and it has strangely aggressive topstitching. He cannot carry the coat, and he cannot carry the song.

Look, these kids just cannot, cannot, cannot sing Beatles songs. They cannot stand up to interpreting these lyrics. Diana Ross, Stevie Wonder, Gloria Estefan, yes. Beatles no. It's like an elf made out of cork trying to get down to the bottom of a deep well. Randy: David Archuleta brings the hot back tonight! Paula: Coming back from adversity doesn't build your character, it reveals your character. Simon: David is amazing! A master class in being memorable and selling the song. David squintingly weeps as he says that slower songs let him get really sensitive. Geeeeeehhhhhhh.

Tomorrow, Kelly Pickler is going to perform.

MICHAEL JOHNS: He remembers singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" during Hollywood week. He loves doing the Beatles because they're the best band that ever has been or ever will be. Okay but CRAP. He is doing "A Day in the Life." He admits it will be hard to take this five minute song and abridge it for Idol. Uh, yes. And how about taking the soul of John Lennon and abridging it into your bucket-shaped Austradalian head? How is that going to work out? You know, I thought I might be spared after surviving last week without this song being covered, but I have lived too darkof a life to be spared this misery. The next 90 seconds I can't really talk about. I tried to chew through my wrists, but my husband convinced me to live on, for the children, for the future.

Randy: Not your best performance. Paula: I know that contestants are wearing ear monitors tonight and that's hard to get used to. It must have been the monitor in your ear. Simon: A mess. Randy comes up on stage and asks Paula to clarify the ear monitor thing, because it doesn't look like Michael is wearing one. Woops, he's not. He just stood there nodding sagely while Paula blamed his crap performance on technology he wasn't even using. Well, says Paula, now you have no excuse. You just suck and you have to bring your game up. BUT WAIT. Michael wants to dedicate his performance to his DEAD FRIEND. That was his FAVORITE SONG. And he is DEAD. Don't you feel bad now Paula? No? Well fuggit let's just go sell some Dove moisturizer.

BROOKE WHITE: She was overwhelmed by the possibility of doing another Beatles song, because "Let It Be" went so well. It was a moment bigger than she was, she rhapsodizes. Tonight she is singing "Here Comes The Sun" -- wasn't this what I predicted she would sing last week? Oh wait, no I said "Good Day Sunshine." Well, that would have been the better choice. All the "Doo-doo-doo-doos" in this rendition are a little oppressive. She starts out sitting on the stairs, and she's wearing a layered floaty yellow dress made out of magic.

On the second verse, she spins and trots across the stage, gasping "woo!" and then continues to dance in an incredibly weird, twitchy, awkward way in front of the microphone. Awful. Behind the beat. Off the pitch. Randy: You were never really connected to the song. Paula: You can't help but smile, looking at you, Brooke. Simon: The performance was terrible, from the horrible dancing to the lack of conviction. It was wet and forgettable. Brooke repeats, "It's okay. It's okay, guys. It's really okay." She pulls sad faces for the camera, and I'm a little worried for her. Ordinarily I would say it wouldn't hurt her so much, but that was a very weird kind of mess. Possibly she cannot recover.

DAVID COOK: David Cook is once again sporting that orange wristband, now around his fingers. Looks like we will be seeing a certain little girl in the audience some night soon. Idol will not be able to pass up that storyline. David's memorable moment was last too boring for me to remember it. This week, he does "Day Tripper" but the Whitesnake version of it. It's very deadeyed and competent and entertaining. I really LIKE it.

He has an extra microphone with some sort of plastic wrap on it, into which he sings with strange effects. It's a voice box? Randy: It's another week at the David Cook rock show! Paula: Great. You're ready to do a Geico commercial! Simon: This wasn't as good as you thought it was. All a bit smug and the voice box was stupid. Ryan really wants to try the voice box, but he's too chicken. I notice at the last minute that David has reverted to the regrettable ironic banker vest. Shame.

CARLY SMITHSON: Her most memorable moment was when Simon compared her to Kelly Clarkson. She is wearing a bright red maternity top with big sparkly rosettes all around the scoop neckline. She looks like thebig fat mad-eyed sister at the pretty smart sister's engagement party.

She sings Blackbird in about the way you'd think that forty year old woman in the lounge on a cruise ship would sing it. Kind of rushed and throaty and with big eye-movements. Then she changes up the key and belts it, squeezing about four separate glory notes out of the last "dark black night." Randy loved it. Paula loved it. Simon calls it indulgent and wonders in a desultory way why she's singing a song about a blackbird. Why indeed? Funny you should ask, Simon! This allows Carly to give a speech about how all of the Idols have been trying and trying to break into the music business, and at times feel broken, but now they are free, and can sing, and that's why she chose the song. Simon basically says, "Wow, now I see! I'm sorry! You are right! And you are free, blackbird, to sing!" I mean, the stink of set-up was so intense it might have been David Archuleta's eye-flutter.

JASON CASTRO: He most remembers singing Hallelujah and arfing up the last note. He giggles about learning "Michelle" and how it was like French and stuff. Tee freakin' hee! On stage, he has arranged his dreadlocks in two symmetrical rolls that look like a kindergarten teacher who has given up on life. Combine this with tight sky-blue stretch jeans, a girly shirt with contrasting collar and cuffs, and... is that a rope belt? Jason is the opposite of sexy tonight. He mugs and winks his way through the song. At times you can almost hear what it might have been like if he'd tried to do it in a kind of serious, opera-y way. It might have been a little cool. But... no. He plays for laughs. Randy: He is disconnected from the song. Paula: It sounded like a polka at times. Simon: Your charm and face sold that song. It wouldn't have worked on radio.

Okay, you know what? Fine. I no longer like the Beatles. A 20 year fascination has now dissolved into mild nausea. I hope it was worth it for these bloody recaps. *snarl*

SYESHA MERCADO: Syesha has straightened her hair. She actually looks really good and I like her dress and for once the dangly plate earrings are working. Her most memorable moment was being in the bottom three, because it gave her "that kick in the butt" that she needed. She chose "Yesterday" because it really touched her, and now she wants to "touch everybody." At least she doesn't want to blow the socks off everybody like Kristy. You know? She sings sitting down at the edge of the stage, with only a few spots on her, and a single acoustic guitar player beside her. In spite of the gender switching, and the gurgling around and switching up the melody, I actually think Syesha did a great job with this song.

I still hate her and still hate American Idol, but relative to the rest of the rotten vegetables that have been slung around tonight, it was pretty good. Randy: You took some liberties. Paula: The vulnerability is working for you. Simon: Your best performance yet. That's the song Brooke should have sung. Wouch. That was bittersweet, I'm sure.

CHIKEZIE: He most remembers the first round of Hollywood because he ran around on stage after getting compliments from the judges. Yeah, I always remember the times when I am in a professional setting and yet choose to act like a hyperactive toddler too. He admits he has never played harmonica before this week and asks us to not be too harsh on him as he tries to play it tonight. Don't tell me what to do, Chikezie. You just play your harp, and we'll throw what we need to throw. He sings "I've Just Seen a Face" as a slow, serious country ballad for two verses, then picks up the tempo and slurps around on a harmonica. Verse four: He pulls a really weird like "Mayor of Stinkerton" voice. Steel guitar. One more toot on the harmonica. Ridiculous and vile. Randy: It was strange. Paula: You're showing who you are and the depth and scope of your vocals. Simon: Harmonica was atrocious and the song was gimmicky.

RAMIELE MALUBAY: Time to hear from Danny Noriega's favorite little Webkinz. But seriously, Ramiele. WHO is dressing you? WHAT is this that you're calling a personal style? A yellow leotard, a studded corset, black pants, silver heels, and a white straw panama hat. It defies belief. She sang some "I Shoulda Known Better" and there was a harmonica, but she wasn't playing it, so that's a plus. Randy called it a happy-go-lucky joint. Paula advises her to stick to ballads. Simon calls it mediocre. She will be voted off soon. Not tomorrow, but soon.

Best Performances: David Cook and Syesha Mercado
Most Beloved and Pimped by Judges: David Archuleta and Carly Smithson
Worst Performances: Michael Johns and Kristy Lee Cook
Most Scorned and Reviled by Judges: Brooke Smith and Jason Castro

Lest you forget: Tomorrow night Kelly Pickler is singing. So, set your TIVO because you won't want to miss the incredible satisfaction of fast forwarding through that. Night!

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, television

Across the Universe: Movie Review

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By Lostcheerio on Sunday, March 16, 2008 at 12:23 AM.

If you like the Beatles, you will like this movie. If you aren't a fan, there is absolutely no point in watching it. There are no interesting characters, and there is no plot. There are, however, really interesting covers of Beatles songs. So, that is attractive.

It's like "The Science of Sleep" but with really no characters and more music. It's like "Moulin Rouge" but with no very great acting. There are thirty Beatles songs in it. People sing a lot. The same people sing song after song. But he's not Jake Gyllenhaal, and she's not Chloe Sevigny.

Some of it was amazing -- puppets, masks, special effects, beautiful. Some of it was very very clever -- "I Want You" and "Happiness is a Warm Gun" in particular. Some of it was, okay, schlocky: "Dear Prudence" and "All You Need Is Love." Okay, listen, I told you no one is going to win a reward for writing this or acting in it. However, it is very engaging. And I do love the Beatles. If you look at it as a very very long music video with regrettable interludes of talking and historically romantic layers, your expectations will be correct.

Labels: across the universe, movie review, movies

Introspection on Spine and Death

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By Lostcheerio on Friday, March 14, 2008 at 9:49 PM.

I have this herniated disk in my spine. I've had it for a long time, and at times it's better and at times worse. There's no way to make it go away, outside of surgery which presents its own set of problems. So here I am. I take Motrin when I remember, and Vicodin when it gets obnoxious, and I march onward. There are millions and millions of people who have way worse physical problems than I do.

Insignificance notwithstanding, occasionally I get feeling a little desperate about it. I have two small children and I would like to be able to bound around and frisk effortlessly like some sort of lovely gazelle, instead of creaking around at times with all the elegance and vivacity of a pile of firewood.

I am, I must tell you, a person who feels omnipotent. I was raised by people who told me I could do anything I wanted, not in a sparkly dreamy-eyed way, but in a factual, casual way. Like, of course. So having something physically wrong with me which prevents me from doing things like running is very irksome. Because it's incontrovertible. Karate is not something that I chose to abandon. That choice was not mine. Sometimes I have felt like life sort of stretches out with limited choices from this point, and I have to keep dragging on through it with this or that painkiller.

I don't think about it a lot, but when I do think about it, it's kind of depressing.

Which is why I was surprised the other night when a new thought presented itself. I was having my usual glancing and wincing relationship with this issue while I was getting dried off after a shower. I found myself thinking that I only have to put up with this irritation for a while longer, and then I will be dead, after all it is only a body, and I am only in it for a while. This thought was not distressing to me -- it was comforting, like realizing you're going to be trading in your car. I wouldn't have thought, five years ago, that I would ever approach mortality in this kind of shitty, oh-well manner. I mean I'm sure one girl's shitty-oh-well is another girl's wow-enlightened but for me, I'm a little disappointed in myself.

I'm not dead yet, after all. No need to be getting philosophical.

Labels: navel gazing, personal, spinal injury

Who does Jason Castro look like? I FIGURED IT OUT.

30 Comments
By Lostcheerio on at 6:40 PM.

Dr. Juliet Burke from Lost. I thought it was Minnie Driver, but, it's not. It's our favorite "Other," Juliet.

Or, maybe it's Claire Forlani. Thank you, Anonymous commenter:

Labels: american idol, jason castro

American Idol Finals Top 12 Show Recap

2 Comments
By Lostcheerio on Tuesday, March 11, 2008 at 11:48 PM.

American Idol: Finals: Top 12

Remember Paul McCartney? He was in that band, The Beatles. They had a lot of songs. Those songs have never been available on ITunes, except in covers. And by the way they’re damn hard to find in MP3 version even out there anywhere floating on the internet. They’ve been guarded like the honor of the princess. That is to say, fiercely. Now I will tell you that I am a fan of John Lennon. Once, I thought a poster of him in my college dorm room could change facial expressions based on its opinions on important matters, when these matters were brought to it in question form by me in times of crisis. I was a fan of Yoko Ono. I loved The Beatles and I loved John Lennon, post-Beatles.

I have never been a fan of Paul. He has that awfully slack jaw. After his wife died, he married that young model, then he got a divorce. Now he’s having to hack up a big settlement. Something like $120 million. Coincidentally, if Paul happened to just now sell the Beatles’ catalog to ITunes, it would be worth about $400 million. Coincidentally, it’s Beatles week on American Idol! Let the downloads begin!

Heather Mills, here comes your settlement, courtesy of ITunes, 19 Entertainment, and the most talented finalists EVAH! This year, we’re promised a brand new stage, a brand new CGI coming-on, and a brand new bucket of hot chicken fat. A very excited Randy spends an embarrassing amount of time ordering the camera guy to give us a tour of the set, the lights guy to demonstrate the lights, the band to demonstrate their new aerie. Guess what? It looks exactly the same as last year but now it’s in HD. New: There is a mosh pit. Great. They can mosh to Stevie Wonder’s “Isn’t She Lovely.” But please, please, as I sit here tonight next to my farting dog, do not let anyone mosh to “A Day in the Life” tonight.

Tonight’s theme: The Lennon/McCartney song book. The first knife into our collective torso: Ryan Seacrest’s reedy voice over a montage of clips summarizing the Lennon/McCartney catalog as “enduring.” Then three more knives in rapid succession. Randy on John and Paul: These boys know how to put it down. Paula on the contestants’ choices: If you play it straight, it’s a great tribute. For those of them who are going to take the risk, well, it better be worth the reward. Simon on the degree of difficulty: Depends. Me on the floor: *thud*

SYESHA MERCADO: Tonight their interview tapes are going to be mini biographies. She’s from a city. There, she does things. She listened to oldies in the back seat of her mom’s car, so she’s very excited. She sings “Got to Get You Into My Life” like it’s fiesta night on a cruise ship, including a glad-handing horn section and a smirking xylophone. This is why the idols shouldn’t be allowed to do the Beatles. The big grin, the glory notes, the foot stomping. Randy: This is a “big ole fun song” and she should relax. Paula: The first half was hosed, but then she found her voice. Simon: Great choice of song, but she was nervous.

CHIKEZIE: In a bizarre revelation, Chikezie reveals that he used to work at LAX airport checking carry-ons at security. Apparently he has “met up” with Paula several times there, as his friends know that he has auditioned multiple times for Idol, and they always switch it around so that he can be the one to check her out at the airport. Uh…. I have nothing to say about this, except… that’s great. Here’s another odd revelation: Chikezie grew up on Nigerian cultural music, while his mom was secretly listening to pop music. He resents her for this? So complicated, our Chikezie. Complexity in an argyle vest.

He sings “She’s a Woman.” At the beginning of the song, he’s sitting on stage, singing this very cool, bluegrass version of it with just a banjo, a tambourine, and a fiddle. Very Appalachian. Very esoteric. I *love* it. Then he stands up and starts running around on the stage and the electric guitar comes in and he asses the whole thing up. Randy was thoroughly entertained, and that’s great coming from someone with lampwork glass bead bracelet on. PINK lampwork even. Paula applauds the risk he took. Then again demonstrates her bold defiance of the true meaning of the words “risk” and “reward” by saying, “The reward paid off.” Thank you, Paula. Simon agrees with Randy and Paula. Chikezie is very excited. Then something strange happens. Ryan seems to have inserted a lit rocket into his bottom, possibly fueled by Chikezie’s excitement, or possibly fueled by his own hopes and dreams. Chikezie leaps about. Ryan encourages him to jump around on the stage. Ryan chews up a big chunk of crack, and then he’s running in a circle, he is rubbing Chikezie’s head, shouting, “SOAKING WET, MY MAN. SOAKING WET.” Then, out of breath, he gives the voting numbers to call. Bizarre. Could this be the blaze of glory that is the end of Ryan Seacrest? Are we really all in this together?

RAMIEL MALABUY: Back home, she works at a restaurant slinging soy sauce. She sings “In My Life” after explaining that the theme of it is that you’ll never forget all these people that you’ve known in your life. Blinding insights and shiny lips. That’s our Ramiele. She says in code that it’s for Danny Noriega. Delivers a muzak version. The mosh pit does the back-and-forth arm thing for the whole song, causing some of the mosh pit fans to wish they’d been seated in a less aerobically demanding area. Randy thought it was boring. It just laid there for him. Didn’t really move any earth. Paula calls it safe and reminds her that she’s an amazing singer, pronouncing the G in singer. Simon was bored to tears. No earth was moved for him either.

JASON CASTRO: This afternoon I predicted Jason Castro would sing “Good Day Sunshine” and make me hate him forever. Turns out not. He has devised an alternate route to my eternal enmity. He interviews about being a music minor at Texas A&M, traveling down to visit family in Colombia, and bonding with non-English-speaking cousins over the song Yesterday. Then he sings “If I Fell.” This is one of my favorite Beatles songs, and I really resent him butchering it with a blunt axe the way he did, in his breathy, falsetto-y, eyebrow-squinching way. Wait. You know what it sounded like? YOU KNOW WHAT IT SOUNDED LIKE? That awful song by X-Treme or whatever it was… what was that song called… MORE THAN WORDS. It sounded like that. That crapfest. Utterly criminal butchering.

Randy didn’t like it. Paula felt Jason’s heart, and reported that the audience felt it too, and she appreciated his emotional connection. Simon called it “student in the bedroom at midnight.” He was bored. Ryan leaps up on the stage to respond with hysterical fist-pumping, fast-talking, and Simon-baiting. What did Ryan EAT?! A peck of pickled CRACK?

CARLY SMITHSON: First, let me give you the information I have. Remember when Carly cutely revealed in the audition process that she was signed to a label back when she was a teenager, and then they went bust before the album came out, or something vague like that? Well, more facts: 1. The label was Randy Jackson’s label. 2. They spent $2 million making and promoting her album. 3. The album sold 378 copies. 4. You can find the video on YouTube if you search Carly Hennessy. You can even find the MP3 of her single. It’s violently terrible. Worst cheesy girlpop ever. And the video is unspeakable. Wind machine on hair extensions for 3 minutes while the barely legal girl makes explicit references to… well, you watch it. If you dare. Let’s just say I now know she’s not going to win because they won’t let her win. They will sign her though.

SO tonight Carly appears in a bright blue rayon dress. She interviews that she sings “Come Together” at her bar job and it usually “goes down a treat.” Well, I have to say, the girl can blow. If you know what I mean. She rips it out, again. Now, Vote for the Worst has speculated that when the powers that be want their “plant” out of the show, they’ll show her husband on TV. The man has tattoos on his face that meet in the middle. He is not for mainstream consumption. Tonight they flashed a picture of “Carly’s Husband and Friends” in which her husband had been replaced with a young brunette. So, they must not want her off yet. Randy (aka Carly’s godfather) calls it stellar. Paula feels like she was already watching a star. Simon believes she has finally chosen the right song. Then a large chipmunk in a Ryan Seacrest suit leaps onto the stage to give Carly a high five and accidentally tears her arm from her body.

DAVID COOK: He lived somewhere he describes as “quasi-quiet.” He was a bartender there. He liked it. No guitar this week, he does a kind of Jon Secada meets Alice in Chains version of “Eleanor Rigby.” All the lonely people – where do they all come from? When he goes “Ahhhh” his mouth looks *just* like Jack Black’s mouth. Randy says look, he can definitely rock out on Idol. Paula calls him the dark horse. Simon thought it was brilliant. I support David’s decision to not wear those ironic banker vests anymore. As soon as he shed the ha-ha pinstripe, he improved tremendously. I agree that he was good tonight.

American Idol wants me to drink Coke and watch Horton Hears a Who.

BROOKE WHITE: Brooke moved to LA from Phoenix to work on her music, and then became a nanny to two babies. She’s excited and grateful to be here on American Idol. She connected with the story of the song, “Let it Be,” summarizing it thusly: “In the end, you just gotta let it be.” Behind the much-spotlighted grand piano, Brooke is a little diminished, in my opinion. A little less the pop superstar, a little more the cool girl in a Kevin Smith movie. Randy praises her conviction and the fact that she gave a simple, heartfelt performance. Brooke cries. Paula postulates that the emotional connection will make people fall in love with her. Simon calls it one of the best performances of the night. Brilliant choice of song, three weeks in a row, he says. Ryan hands her a tissue and says, cryptically, “Necessity.” Then threatens hectically that rock and roll will be coming our way when we get back.

DAVID HERNANDEZ: He interviews that he’s a student, not a stripper. He also works at a pizza bistro which does not serve any naked man pizza. He took a class on the Beatles in college, and therefore is privy to this special secret academic information that the guitar style of “I Saw Her Standing There” was influenced by Chuck barry. WOW THET’S SUM GUD LARNIN’ YOU GIT THAR IN KOLLIJ! David comes off the stage immediately and starts gyrating through the crowd. He’s wearing white tennis shoes, a vest and tie, looks for all the world like a bank teller doing karaoke. Terrible. Abysmal. Disastrous. Randy says it was overdone. Paula agrees. Simon says it was corny verging on desperate. Rabbit in the headlights. Not very cool. Ryan wonders if he overanalyzed the song choice. David promises to do better next week.

Hey did you know Jim is in that movie Leatherheads? I knew it was George Clooney and Renee Zellwegger, but I had no idea about Jim being in it! How droll!

AMANDA OVERMEYER: Amanda reveals that she’s actually a nurse that does oxygen equipment sales. She doesn’t wear white shoes. She wears a blue polo and asks people if they have shortness of breath. Amanda, this is not quite the glamorous dichotomy we had been imagining. Oh well. She sings “You Can’t Do That.” Not my favorite Beatles song. She shouts down into the microphone like a mama bird regurgitating worms for its chicks. Her timing is flawless. Stripey pants and a concho belt notwithstanding. Randy loved it. She took a Beatles song to a southern club. Paula is blown away. Simon thought it wasn’t as good as last week, but says she’s still like a breath of fresh air.

MICHAEL JOHNS: He does tennis coaching and “labor work” to keep music in his life, and he’s lived in LA for four years. He reports that “Across the Universe” helped him through a hard time in his life. He sings a very low-key version of it, with kind of Josh Groban grandiosity or dare I say pomposity in the “Try Guru Dev” parts. Reminds me of when I used to think the lyric was “Kangaroo Days.” Randy thought it was boring. Paula respects his quiet confidence. Simon thought it was monotonous. Now is the time where he has to let himself go a little bit.

Something strange is happening. During the vote-pimping handshake time with Ryan, they’re not showing the number of fingers to represent the number we’re supposed to call. How will everyone know what button to push on their phone machines if they have to rely on the numbers PRINTED ON THE SCREEN? Give us those fingers, contestants!

KRISTY LEE COOK: Her interview film is boring and features horses again. She sings “Eight Days a Week” as a 2/4 country foot-stomp, made even more frenetic by clouds of fuschia stars rushing up and out at us from the video monitor behind her head. It’s so frantic, so manic, I kind of expect her head to start spinning. Awful. The mosh pit is unimpressed. Her family is overjoyed. Randy thought parts of it were okay. Paula didn’t like the Lorrie Morgan thing, didn’t get it. Simon thought it was horrendous. She sounded like Dolly Parton on helium. He felt like he was at some kind of ghastly country fair. Ryan angrily confronts Simon on having given her bad advice when he told her to take it more country. Then he chews a pack of razor blades up and sends us to commercial with the new super HD Idol logo cutaway image and his lacerated cheeks oozing gore.

DAVID ARCHULETTA: David interviews that when he heard it was Lennon/McCartney week, he was nervous and upset, because he doesn’t really like the songs of the 60s and 70s, and like old songs! What will he do if he has to do a Lennon/McCartney song!? Hi, David. It’s me, Lydia. Do you remember a couple weeks ago when you wetly, bubblingly, yearningly sang “Imagine”? Yeah, that was by John Lennon. And you suck. He sings the Stevie Wonder version of “We Can Work It Out” and as he creepily hobbits down the stairs he begins to TOTALLY ASS UP THE WORDS!!!! And continues to ass them up for verse after verse of wrecking his tiny hobbit train! The lip-licking reaches a new level of intensity. The eyelash-smooshing accelerates. Or maybe he looks to be already crying. Randy says it was not on point. Paula tells him if he forgets the words to not let it show. Simon says it was a mess. He smiles bravely. What a tool.

Show is over. Ryan is off to the storage tank. My prediction: Kristy Lee Cook or David Hernandez.

I’ll update with pictures tomorrow.

Labels: american idol, recap, television, top 12

Is this art? Or what?

2 Comments
By Lostcheerio on Thursday, March 6, 2008 at 8:51 AM.

Look at this insanity:

200 people frozen in place in Grand Central Station.

Labels: links

American Idol: Semifinals Week 3: The Girls

3 Comments
By Lostcheerio on Wednesday, March 5, 2008 at 10:40 PM.

Ryan: The girls are in the house. The pressure is intense. The rewards are incredible. My scrotum is intact. My fans are insane. My parents are inconsolable. This is --- AMERICAN IDOL.

Randy wearing a v-neck sweater that looks like its last owner died from a slit throat. He suggests the girls bring it hard tonight. Paula has her hair up out of her face for a change, and apologizes for causing the pom-pon hairdo.

ASIA’H EPPERSON: She is embarrassed by the fact that she was an extra on a roller skating movie, and fell into a big light. Like she totally crashed into it! But then laughed! And like everyone on set was laughing! Making her like laugh more! OMG! She is wearing lavender jodhpurs and a taffeta fuschia corset tank with silver snaps up the front. Awful in the epic sense. This is no retreat, full commitment, life-changing, soul-swallowing awful. Example: The crotch of her jodhpurs sits very weird. The fly doesn’t start until halfway to her bellybutton. Leaving her with extra groin, which no one ever needs. She sings “I Want to Dance with Somebody” like a shouting aerobics instructor trying to get three more, and two more, and one more squat out of a couple of bored socialites. Paula is up out of her seat dancing. Randy thought it was hot. Paula thought she nailed it, even though it was oh-my-god a big song. Simon calls it second rate Whitney Houston. Asia’h shows all her teeth and says that's okay with her.

KADY MALLOY: Coyly delivered embarrassing moment: She auditioned for her high school talent show. She sang “Beautiful” by Christina Aguilera, and her music teacher hated it! On the way off stage she tripped over a microphone, knocked a speaker down, and caused mad feedback. Wow, it was so embarrassing with all that tripping and feedback and everything! Translation: SUCK IT, YA NINTH GRADE MUSIC TEACHER! CUZ I’M ON AMERICAN IDOL WITH MY SKILLZ NOW SO SUCK IT! Kady sings “Who Wants to Live Forever” by Queen and you know, I’ve said things about people who sing Queen on this show, but… she kinda killed it, folks. This girl has a really great voice. Maybe the secret to doing Queen is to go understated. If only she didn’t have a face that looks like an elephant just got up off it. Randy liked it. Paula called it her best performance yet. Simon calls her robotic, gloomy, somber. He predicts she’s out. Ryan says, “If you want to vote for Kady and her lack of personality…” Yes, for real, he says that.

AMANDA OVERMEYER: She appears for her video interview in a bit white bandana, and my suspicion that under all the hair and makeup is the face of a giant baby is CONFIRMED. Yes, I’m breaking this now: AMANDA OVERMEYER has the face of a giant baby. Believe it. Her embarrassing moment is something about fire. I was too distracted by her pudgy cute cheeks and her pouty poochy lips. Lips that just beg for tiny spoonfuls of applesauce, or peas, either one, they don’t care. She sings “I Hate Myself For Loving You” by Joan (Yuh!) Jett (Huh!). Looking a thousand times better than last week, in a sparkly black top and a long shiny scarf, she shows she is back on the horse, kids. She rips it out. Randy says it was well done. Paula says she’s beautiful and she found the right song. Simon says it was fantastic! Let’s hear it for the girl in the faded denim diaper!

Let’s buy new linens from J.C. Penney and then sleep under a tree in the woods! In our new linens! Or better yet… let’s make our CHILDREN sleep out there in the woods on our fresh new stripey linens from J.C. Penney!

CARLY SMITHSON: Her embarrassing moment was getting her leg stuck in a railing. Sounds like she was drunk. She appears onstage in military pants with two sets of big brass buttons, one down each side of her hips. She sings “I Drove All Night” like she’s sawing apart a log, but in a good way. Fierce, murderous, rapier-like eyes, fist-pumping high notes, foot-stomping intensity. She also looks very pretty with curls in her hair, a fitted top, and some kind of knotty gold necklace. Military jeans notwithstanding, Carly is fantastic. Absolutely killer, the best she has ever done, she completely nailed it. Randy calls it another great performance.

KRISTY LEE COOK: When she was seven, she drank out of a dog bowl. That is embarrassing. Can’t she just reveal that she fell down the stairs when she was winning Miss America, or got a knot in her shoelaces when she was feeding the hungry in Africa, or noticed her top button was unbuttoned while opening for Britney Spears or any of the other fake suckassy embarrassing moments we’ve heard this week? She sings a Journey song (speaking of suckassiness) in a lame, milky way. On the high notes, the color of her tongue betrays the fact that she’s been sucking on a cherry cough drop. Or drinking blood to restore her evil powers. Whichever. The judges are ambivalent – Simon says at best she’ll come in tenth, and she says that’ll be fine with her. Great. Way to shoot for the yard, there, superstar.

Hey, BEE MOVIE is coming out on DVD! Apparently you can get a coupon for $3 off in this week’s People Magazine. In this week’s Entertainment Weekly you can get the actual movie between pages 37 and 38. And in this week’s Time, you will find a $20 bill, compliments of Jerry Seinfeld and Steven Spielberg, just in case you wanted to buy the movie, and you can keep the change.

RAMIELE MALUBAY: Her embarrassment revolves around a boy laughing at her picture in the fifth grade. Fortunately, after tonight, she can replace that deeply scarring moment with a new “most embarrassing moment”: the night she appeared on television singing “Take a Look at Me Now” in a purple tube skirt, a red cami, a grey jersey cardigan, and a SKINNY BELT over the top of all of it. I can’t remember how she did on the song. Sorry. Maybe the judges can help us: Randy says she’s overthinking it. She should “Come on wid it.” Paula says she has an innocent pure voice, then Paula wanders off into some other studio and starts jumping rope. Simon calls it old-fashioned (yep) and forgettable. Danny Noriega is wearing Ramiele’s clear plastic glasses. Vote now!

BROOKE WHITE: Brooke reveals she had a moment after church one Sunday after church when she threw her arms around her Dad from behind and told him how she was tired from church, and hungry, and did I mention she was at church? If you guessed he wasn’t her dad, you’re right! If you guessed the point of this narrative was not that she mistook one navy sport coat for another, you’re wrong! Wearing a bright melon western camp shirt and a woven belt in her hippie jeans, Brooke sings “Love is a Battlefield” with just one acoustic guitar accompanying her. A very fine job, Brooke! Randy thought it was interesting, Paula thought it was a wise choice, Simon thought it worked because it was original and thought it was a great performance.

I’m watching this on Tivo. Project Runway like half over right now. I’m glad there’s only one of these turkeys left to squawk.

SYESHA MERCADO: Embarrassment involving notes and school and boys. Whatever. She’s showing off her stems in a pair of grey silk shorts – again with the cadet buttons on each side! What is with these military buttons and flat fronts and, like, high waists? They look supergay. And frankly, kinda gross. She has great stems though. She sings “Saving All My Love For You” in a very capable, boring way. The judges rush through their comments – must be out of time. So am I.

Best performances: Carly Smithson and Brooke White
Going home: Asia’h Epperson and Kristy Lee Cook

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, television

American Idol Semifinals: Week 3: The Boys

3 Comments
By Lostcheerio on Tuesday, March 4, 2008 at 11:41 PM.

Let me be perfectly forthcoming with you. I am recovering from the stomach flu. I am tired.

Before we begin, we need to address a couple of issues:

1. Did you read Garrett Haley’s tell-all interview? You remember Garrett – he was the one they called skeletal and then lambasted for crappy song choice. In his interview, little Garrett revealed the process that lead to that song choice. The contestants were given fifty choices and told to pick three possibilities, from which the producers would choose their song. He chose three, and they were all rejected. The producers chose “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” for him. And then he got voted out. Sad. I wipe away a tiny tear.
2. Robbie Carrico is denying that his hair is a wig. He is a douche.
3. Amanda Overmeyer has a mug shot. She accidentally crimed. Woops.
4. David Hernandez was a gay stripper. Or possibly Santa Claus.

Ryan reminds us there are eight guys left. Time to narrow it down to the top six. Tonight, since it is eighties night, the contestants’ films will reveal their most embarrassing moments. Am I supposed to be embarrassed by the eighties?

LUKE MENARD: For his embarrassing moment, kitten-headed Luke reveals that his sister once dressed him up like a ballerina Then we see a blurry picture of a small boy in a tutu. He sings an effeminate, breathless rendition of “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.” I feel shame. First the pink skirt, and now this. Ryan thought it was corny. Paula love, love, love, loved it. Simon says it was weak and girly, and says he can’t possibly win. During his vote-pimping, I notice that he’s wearing a work shirt embroidered with little leaves or something.

DAVID ARCHULETA: David Archuleta is making blind, fluttery eyelashes at me. My weakened digestive system bends under the pressure. On his film, he reveals that in the middle of a fundraiser in Honduras, he ran out of pipes halfway through his song, and his mom had to finish it. He sings Phil Collins, “Another Day in Paradise.” He starts out on the piano, using the same facials as he did last week for “Imagine.” He really wants us to LEARN something about it being another day for us and him in paradise. He really wants us to EXAMINE that. He licks his lips a lot. His spongy, wet, meaningful lips. I predict that the judges will once again attempt to touch the hem of his garment. Randy says it was nice. Paula liked the fact that a couple notes were off, because it proves he’s a real person. Simon says it wasn’t as good as last week, and says it’s all getting a little gloomy. Then he predicts that the Latino hobbit will be in the final two.

DANNY NORIEGA: Danny Noriega reveals his most embarrassing moment was being tripped on some stairs. He sings, “Tainted Love” in a very overwrought and draggy way. It could almost be a cool version of this song, except for all the butt wiggling and pointing at the camera and the sort of breathless rush. He has purple streaks in his hair now. Randy tells him to be more vocally brave. Paula liked it. Simon thought it was horrible, absolutely useless, hated the performance, the arrangement, the vocal, everything.

DAVID HERNANDEZ: He did a gay stripper photo shoot once, and after he got the gay proofs out he realized he had an enormous stripper booger in his nose. He sings, “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” or whatever it’s called, and he starts out well, but then gets overpowered by the backup singers. Had he been more gay, or more of a stripper, he might have been able to nail that song down a little harder. Randy says it was good. Paula says he’s really becoming a very good performer. Simon says it wasn’t as good as last week, but that he will make the finals.

MICHAEL JOHNS: Embarrassing moment: He was dressed as a mascot kangaroo in a rugby match, and got beat up by like four guys. He sings, “Don’t You Forget About Me.” Is this the defining song of my generation? Or what? He did fine. Randy says he is reminded of Michael Hutchens. Paula likes that he’s defining who he is. Simon liked it, but thinks he’s still looking for his moment.

DAVID COOK: David is wearing a giant crystalline amulet and banging around with his white Les Paul. A less sexy guitar cannot be imagined. His embarrassing moment is that he forgot the words to a song in a talent show. On closer inspection, my weary eyes perceive that the amulet is actually keys. Keys to what though? The clubhouse? The forbidden room? He sings “Hello” by Billy Ocean. Or Lionel Ritchie. Or Bartholomew the Dancing Elk. Randy thought it was brilliant, an emo version of a pop song. Paula likes the fact that he surprises her. Simon called it very brave, and reports that he loved it.

JASON CASTRO: He was embarrassed when he tore one of his dreadlocks on a date once, trying to tie his hair back before dinner. He sings Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah,” securing my eternal fandom. Never mind the song has been famously remade recently for a movie about ogres. Paula praises his phrasing. Simon thought it was brilliant. Simon says it’s his strongest performance so far, and he’s getting better and better.

CHIKEZIE: Chikezie reveals that when he was in high school he unwittingly used the women’s bathroom. He sings, “She Fills Me Up.” He doesn’t do anything spectacular in either direction. Randy and Paula liked it. Simon thought it was too cabaret, and not a smart move.

Best performance: Jason Castro and Michael Johns.
Going home: Luke Menard and Chikezie.

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, television

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American Idol Songwriting Contest: 2008 Entries

American Idol Songwriting Contest: 2007 Entries

American Idol Finals: Top Ten

Drama at the Disco

American Idol Recap: Finals: Top Eleven 11

Across the Universe: Movie Review

Introspection on Spine and Death

Who does Jason Castro look like? I FIGURED IT OUT.

American Idol Finals Top 12 Show Recap

Is this art? Or what?

American Idol: Semifinals Week 3: The Girls

American Idol Semifinals: Week 3: The Boys

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