American Idol Final Results Show Recap
7 CommentsBy Lostcheerio on Wednesday, May 21, 2008 at 9:59 PM.
The stage is silent. The theater is supposed to be empty. Two Davids stand in the dark facing each other. Cook is dressed the way they dress God in those irony flicks. Archuleta wears nothing but a starched diaper. Seacrest leaps to center stage, the lights come up, the crowd roars, and we begin our last results show. As he says "THIS" the two Davids whip their heads around to face the cameras. Wow. And I thought last night was ridiculous.
Let's talk about last night for just a moment: The producers tried, didn't they? They tried to inject a little testosterone into this "battle" between these "boys." Ultimately, however, they are just two weeping, waxy, puling kittens in a shiny basket.
Tonight the judges are wearing Coca-Cola red! The big production number at the beginning showcases the top 12 all in white, supported by last year's top ten from So You Think You Can Dance. I don't even know what song they're singing -- I am blinded by all the earnest well-meaning youth parading around the stage. Next, the two finalists sing a duet to that song about how they say that a hero will save us, but they're not going to stand there and wait.
Well, we've pimped our next talent show (starting tomorrow night!), now it's time to pimp Mike Myers' new movie, "The Love Guru." Pimp that movie, finalists. Pimp that movie, Ryan. The pimping takes forever and is not at all funny. Very awkward, very polite. It *is* funny, though, when Ryan sits down on the guru's remote control magic carpet and some clever operator in the wings drives it fast right up to the edge of the stage and gives Ryan a heart attack. That is funny. I'm afraid Mike Myers has taken a bit of a bowel movement on this new movie though.
Seal and Syesha sloppily sing a song that is possibly called "I have been waiting for you". They politely dance next to each other. Both the duets so far have been extremely messy and ill-rehearsed. Jason Castro reprises his performance of "Hallelujah" on the meaningful moment stool. What weird, tremulous camera angles we get! In one shot, we look right up his nose, past the "on" light on the microphone, and for a second it was almost as if his shaking, sweating hands were comign right at my face. YUCK.
Smile and buy a FORD! The pimpmercial this week takes the form of an outtakes reel from pimpmercials from days gone by. Yah, we don't care to buy your terrible automobile.
David and David have changed clothes again and Ryan gives them the keys to matching Escape Hybrids.
the girls, in red, sing "Works Hard for the Money' and other tunes by Donna Summers. Amanda Overmyer is in droid mode. I think she does not feel confident with the choreography. All of them seem just a little bit tense. But WAIT! Behind those completely inexplicable break dancers, it's the REAL DONNA SUMMERS! She wants us to stomp our feet on the ground. Her microphone is really glittery. Even Ryan Seacrest has to obey, as he peels off his jacket and joins the head-spinning break dancers stage right. Incredible. Now she's singing Last Dance and the girls are parading about. What is WRONG with Amanda Overmeyer? Is she bitter or just drunk? Even on the final pose, a nice fist-pump for disco, she kind of limply extends a wrist as if it's hurting her. BRING IT, AMANDA. You bought this donkey, now you have to ride it home, no matter how bad it stinks.
Wasn't there already a Hulk movie?
Carly Smithson and Michael Johns sing "The Letter." As in "my baby done wrote me a letter." This is the only performance so far that I like. Yes, it's shouty and cheesey, but at least they look like they're human. And having fun. Ryan takes this opportunity to remind us that we can see these people on tour this summer. Neat.
Jimmy Kimmel does some stand-up. He ends with, "May God bless our next American Idol, whoever he may be."
Time for the guys to do their group number. Hey remember that guy that was a gay stripper! They do "Back in the Summer of 69" and Michael does so well on it! The others sound ridiculous singing this song, but Michael really should have done this when he was on the show. OOP! SURPRISE! It's the real Bryan Adams! he looks a little wild and homeless and a little like Lance Armstrong auditioning for The Traveling Wilburys. Little pitchy, there, Bryan Adams. Tom Petty you ain't. Ghastly, overall. The first 15 seconds, when it was just Michael Johns singing the first verse of "Summer of 69", were quite good. The rest dire.
Hey, everybody, it's Jordin! In a hot pink dress she introduces us to the idea of an American Idol Experience at Disney World. Did I not predict this time last year that Disney and American Idol would form an unholy alliance over this fresh-faced teen?
David Cook and ZZ Top sing "Sharp Dressed Man." David does much better in front of a rock band than he does as a soloist, but the song goes on too long. He doesn't have the intensity for a lead singer. All his intensity leaks out his droopy stance. Thank god, not an ironic banker vest in sight tonight, though. I just think he needs a bit more license. More slam.
Brooke White sings "Teach Your Children Well" with Graham Nash. Wow, a giant swollen toe is sticking out from under her gown -- is she barefoot? Gross. Okay, you can sing a hippie song with a wooden guitar dumped in your lap, but you can't do it without shoes.
Okay, I am pretty sure I just saw a Guitar Hero commercial with David Cook sporting the Best Look in the World, as defined by Andy Sandberg on SNL. No blurred bits, but, too much for me.
Next to perform is a curly-headed boy band. Ryan lets the women in the crowd introduce them, and then don't articulate clearly, so I don't know who they are. I don't want to know, either. They all need punched in the shorts. Oh, the Jonas Brothers, Ryan tells us.
Time for the worst audition clips. The "I Am Your Brother" guy in the feathery hat gets the USC cheerleaders and marching band to back him up on stage. Ryan and Paula and Randy join in. That's the kind of levity I can appreciate. But I will not purchase the ringtone, like you did.
One Republic now performs "Apologize." Didn't this squinting tool do this same song on some other finale show? Or was that SNL? SYTYCD? Falsetto a little quaky, there, tool. WAIT, here comes Archuleta to sing it WAY BETTER than the original guy. Nobody ever said that Archuleta couldn't blow. Strangely, the original Apologize guy insists on singing the high note every time, although he's clearly almost breaking it off on that note, and he gets more and more weird and barky and tense through the song. As if he know Archuleta could hand his ass to him, if Archuleta was let off the chain. Or whatever. Who cares.
Jordin Sparks lumbers out to sing her cute little pop song, in a metallic gold dress that's in the shape of Alice's Wonderland frock, or... mayeb something a six year old might wear to a piano recital, if the six year old was wearing last year's five-year-old dress and showing a little too much knee. She won't stand STILL either, she keeps stomping across the stage, even SKIPPING, even TWIRLING!? Totally embarrassing. Starting to feel like this show will never be over.
Time to pimp another movie. Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey Jr. pretend to be Gladys Knight's back-up singers. It goes on too long and Robert Downey Jr.'s comedy reminds me of Amanda Overmeyer's opening act demeanor. Or like a gay dog trainer, the kind that makes you wonder, is he wearing mascara?
Carrie Underwood is up next. She's wearing a long white suit jacket as a dress, and it's not long enough. She has also attached some kind of curtain to each sleeve. The song is about how she got drunk and had a one night stand. It looks like she had a one night stand with a middle aged bride and woke up and threw on half of her girlfriend's demure and mature wedding dress on the way out. Accessorizing it with a shower curtain. Wasn't her last hit called "Jesus Take the Wheel"? What happened to that whole thing?
The top twelve sing again. I feel fondly about them all. George Michael sings. I do not feel fondly. He is wearing giant brown-tinted sunglasses and looks like a scary community theater enthusiast. The song is supposed to have some kind of social message, at least if you believe George Michael's *very expressive* left hand. I think George Michael is trying to become Roger Waters, right there on the American Idol stage. Is this song from a musical? Paula is CRYING. The very expressive left hand is now signing "HELP" and pointing heavenward. It is detaching from his arm and flying around the theater wiping everyone's tears. Just when the song seems over, it's not over. Apparently the guy operating the spot thinks it's over. And behind George Michaels, the sun sinks into a body of water. The message must be global warming.
TIME FOR RESULTS: The winner is David Cook.
Okay, in the SECOND after Ryan said "Cook" my Tivo ended the show. So I saw no reaction, no aftermath, and did he sing a "winning song" or what? I have no idea what happened after the two hour mark. Someone tell me.
I am shocked and PLEASED.
Let's talk about last night for just a moment: The producers tried, didn't they? They tried to inject a little testosterone into this "battle" between these "boys." Ultimately, however, they are just two weeping, waxy, puling kittens in a shiny basket.
Tonight the judges are wearing Coca-Cola red! The big production number at the beginning showcases the top 12 all in white, supported by last year's top ten from So You Think You Can Dance. I don't even know what song they're singing -- I am blinded by all the earnest well-meaning youth parading around the stage. Next, the two finalists sing a duet to that song about how they say that a hero will save us, but they're not going to stand there and wait.
Well, we've pimped our next talent show (starting tomorrow night!), now it's time to pimp Mike Myers' new movie, "The Love Guru." Pimp that movie, finalists. Pimp that movie, Ryan. The pimping takes forever and is not at all funny. Very awkward, very polite. It *is* funny, though, when Ryan sits down on the guru's remote control magic carpet and some clever operator in the wings drives it fast right up to the edge of the stage and gives Ryan a heart attack. That is funny. I'm afraid Mike Myers has taken a bit of a bowel movement on this new movie though.
Seal and Syesha sloppily sing a song that is possibly called "I have been waiting for you". They politely dance next to each other. Both the duets so far have been extremely messy and ill-rehearsed. Jason Castro reprises his performance of "Hallelujah" on the meaningful moment stool. What weird, tremulous camera angles we get! In one shot, we look right up his nose, past the "on" light on the microphone, and for a second it was almost as if his shaking, sweating hands were comign right at my face. YUCK.
Smile and buy a FORD! The pimpmercial this week takes the form of an outtakes reel from pimpmercials from days gone by. Yah, we don't care to buy your terrible automobile.
David and David have changed clothes again and Ryan gives them the keys to matching Escape Hybrids.
the girls, in red, sing "Works Hard for the Money' and other tunes by Donna Summers. Amanda Overmyer is in droid mode. I think she does not feel confident with the choreography. All of them seem just a little bit tense. But WAIT! Behind those completely inexplicable break dancers, it's the REAL DONNA SUMMERS! She wants us to stomp our feet on the ground. Her microphone is really glittery. Even Ryan Seacrest has to obey, as he peels off his jacket and joins the head-spinning break dancers stage right. Incredible. Now she's singing Last Dance and the girls are parading about. What is WRONG with Amanda Overmeyer? Is she bitter or just drunk? Even on the final pose, a nice fist-pump for disco, she kind of limply extends a wrist as if it's hurting her. BRING IT, AMANDA. You bought this donkey, now you have to ride it home, no matter how bad it stinks.
Wasn't there already a Hulk movie?
Carly Smithson and Michael Johns sing "The Letter." As in "my baby done wrote me a letter." This is the only performance so far that I like. Yes, it's shouty and cheesey, but at least they look like they're human. And having fun. Ryan takes this opportunity to remind us that we can see these people on tour this summer. Neat.
Jimmy Kimmel does some stand-up. He ends with, "May God bless our next American Idol, whoever he may be."
Time for the guys to do their group number. Hey remember that guy that was a gay stripper! They do "Back in the Summer of 69" and Michael does so well on it! The others sound ridiculous singing this song, but Michael really should have done this when he was on the show. OOP! SURPRISE! It's the real Bryan Adams! he looks a little wild and homeless and a little like Lance Armstrong auditioning for The Traveling Wilburys. Little pitchy, there, Bryan Adams. Tom Petty you ain't. Ghastly, overall. The first 15 seconds, when it was just Michael Johns singing the first verse of "Summer of 69", were quite good. The rest dire.
Hey, everybody, it's Jordin! In a hot pink dress she introduces us to the idea of an American Idol Experience at Disney World. Did I not predict this time last year that Disney and American Idol would form an unholy alliance over this fresh-faced teen?
David Cook and ZZ Top sing "Sharp Dressed Man." David does much better in front of a rock band than he does as a soloist, but the song goes on too long. He doesn't have the intensity for a lead singer. All his intensity leaks out his droopy stance. Thank god, not an ironic banker vest in sight tonight, though. I just think he needs a bit more license. More slam.
Brooke White sings "Teach Your Children Well" with Graham Nash. Wow, a giant swollen toe is sticking out from under her gown -- is she barefoot? Gross. Okay, you can sing a hippie song with a wooden guitar dumped in your lap, but you can't do it without shoes.
Okay, I am pretty sure I just saw a Guitar Hero commercial with David Cook sporting the Best Look in the World, as defined by Andy Sandberg on SNL. No blurred bits, but, too much for me.
Next to perform is a curly-headed boy band. Ryan lets the women in the crowd introduce them, and then don't articulate clearly, so I don't know who they are. I don't want to know, either. They all need punched in the shorts. Oh, the Jonas Brothers, Ryan tells us.
Time for the worst audition clips. The "I Am Your Brother" guy in the feathery hat gets the USC cheerleaders and marching band to back him up on stage. Ryan and Paula and Randy join in. That's the kind of levity I can appreciate. But I will not purchase the ringtone, like you did.
One Republic now performs "Apologize." Didn't this squinting tool do this same song on some other finale show? Or was that SNL? SYTYCD? Falsetto a little quaky, there, tool. WAIT, here comes Archuleta to sing it WAY BETTER than the original guy. Nobody ever said that Archuleta couldn't blow. Strangely, the original Apologize guy insists on singing the high note every time, although he's clearly almost breaking it off on that note, and he gets more and more weird and barky and tense through the song. As if he know Archuleta could hand his ass to him, if Archuleta was let off the chain. Or whatever. Who cares.
Jordin Sparks lumbers out to sing her cute little pop song, in a metallic gold dress that's in the shape of Alice's Wonderland frock, or... mayeb something a six year old might wear to a piano recital, if the six year old was wearing last year's five-year-old dress and showing a little too much knee. She won't stand STILL either, she keeps stomping across the stage, even SKIPPING, even TWIRLING!? Totally embarrassing. Starting to feel like this show will never be over.
Time to pimp another movie. Ben Stiller, Jack Black, and Robert Downey Jr. pretend to be Gladys Knight's back-up singers. It goes on too long and Robert Downey Jr.'s comedy reminds me of Amanda Overmeyer's opening act demeanor. Or like a gay dog trainer, the kind that makes you wonder, is he wearing mascara?
Carrie Underwood is up next. She's wearing a long white suit jacket as a dress, and it's not long enough. She has also attached some kind of curtain to each sleeve. The song is about how she got drunk and had a one night stand. It looks like she had a one night stand with a middle aged bride and woke up and threw on half of her girlfriend's demure and mature wedding dress on the way out. Accessorizing it with a shower curtain. Wasn't her last hit called "Jesus Take the Wheel"? What happened to that whole thing?
The top twelve sing again. I feel fondly about them all. George Michael sings. I do not feel fondly. He is wearing giant brown-tinted sunglasses and looks like a scary community theater enthusiast. The song is supposed to have some kind of social message, at least if you believe George Michael's *very expressive* left hand. I think George Michael is trying to become Roger Waters, right there on the American Idol stage. Is this song from a musical? Paula is CRYING. The very expressive left hand is now signing "HELP" and pointing heavenward. It is detaching from his arm and flying around the theater wiping everyone's tears. Just when the song seems over, it's not over. Apparently the guy operating the spot thinks it's over. And behind George Michaels, the sun sinks into a body of water. The message must be global warming.
TIME FOR RESULTS: The winner is David Cook.
Okay, in the SECOND after Ryan said "Cook" my Tivo ended the show. So I saw no reaction, no aftermath, and did he sing a "winning song" or what? I have no idea what happened after the two hour mark. Someone tell me.
I am shocked and PLEASED.
Labels: american idol, finale, recap, television
You would've been upset -- Cook cried without a limb being severed. But he cried in a manly sort of way, and before he broke down he was a great winner and asked the crowd to "give it up for David Archuleta". Then he sang the winning song from the songwriting competition, and insisted that the rest of the Top 12 join him on stage. Because he was a good winner. Even with all of his limbs in tact.
Well I can't be mad at him for crying. Actually I can't be mad at him at all. Watching the show last night, my overall impression was that all those nice young kids are being churned in a meat grinder. The goofy stuff they make them do, the manipulation (Simon slamming DC and then apologizing after the damage is done)... I ended up feeling sorry for everyone on that stage. Except George Michael.
George Michael looks like the creepy usher at mass who always wants kids to go back into the sacristy with him to help "count the money."
You're right, I'm sure those kids do go through a meat grinder and at least we know David Cook's hit songs won't be about Jesus.
I felt sorry for them too when I realized how much work had to go into that one night for the Top 12. Each week they're learning their own songs to sing, music and lame choreography for each results show, all the while rehearsing these medleys and routines for the finale. And those who remain in the competition are expected to do all of that and come up with covers that are relevant and "in the zone." While their regular lives (brothers dying, daddies intruding) continue on.
No, no. George looked like the creepy has-been who's about to go on tour and make way too much dough, considering he can't hit the high notes any longer.
The finale show is like a bad Academy Awards show, and next year I'll only watch the last 10 minutes. And if there's something else on since the writers won't be striking, I'll skip the 10 minutes, too.
There was a lot of fast-forwarding going on at my house. I never like the big medleys and guest appearances.
I'm glad David C. won. Does anyone think Simon apologized because he knew the results? Would he have apologized if D.C. hadn't won? I'm thinking he wouldn't have.
So, Lydia -
Now that I know you watch So You Think You Can Dance (how else would you have recognized the dancers?) won't you please write up the shows? I need my fix...
My Tivo cut it off right there, too. I may try to find the last bit of the show on YouTube. Yes, I have no life.