Has it really been a week? Have I really neglected in the interim to blog about literature and art? Is it true that the top search terms in the history of this blog are "Danny Noriega Gay" and "Robbie Carrico Wig" and "Jason Castro Looks Like John Travolta"? I am so killing myself. Right after I find out what Phantom of the Opera song Carly decides to sing! Squee! This! Is! American Idol!

Ryan announces that the finale will be powered by green power. Hamster wheels powering the spotlights, burning dung lighting up the monitors, smoked offal in the judges' Coke glasses. Go green! The band is now positioned down on the stage. I guess I should prepare myself for some very special moments.

Andrew Lloyd Webber is a little man with a giant head and the sleeves of his suits reveal a little too much of his plump wrists, but I love him. My husband says, "Never trust a person who uses all three of their names." I ask why. He replies, "Because ten times out of ten, they've killed somebody." I say that he wrote "Evita" and therefore he can do no wrong. He says "Don't cry for me, Ryan Seacrest."

Randy and Simon speculate that this will be the toughest week ever. Paula says did we see Cloverfield? Because that monster was like ripping things apart totally.

SYESHA MERCADO: In the Phantom Theater in Las Vegas, surrounded by mannikins in box seats, Syesha asks Sir Webber, "Can I be like animated and stuff?" Andy Dub says "Well, let me see the unanimated version." Syesha rolls her eyes and puffs out her lips and delivers "unanimated." Then he asks her to be "animated" and she acts like Shirley Temple. He recommends the latter. She appears in a tight red dress, standing on the grand piano, and puts on a big show. She looks cute and confident. The judges all agree that she did great. Something about the way her electrons wink in and out of existence when I look directy at her make it difficult for me to pay attention when she performs. But quantum theory notwithstanding, I believe that tonight she exhibited something resembling a personality.

JASON CASTRO: Jason interviews with his signature poise and eloquence that he was "kind of like uuuhhh" about singing music from Cats. He trys singing "Memories" for ALW and ALW describes it as a bit of a jolt, pointing out that in the musical it is sung by an aging glamourpuss. Never had he thought of it being sung by a guy in dreadlocks. Yeah. Jason admits he didn't know it was being sung "by a cat." He sings it in a beige linen suit with the star machine on, overwrought and breathy, the lower notes disappearing into the gauzy depths of his weedy and pale adam's apple. Randy calls it a train wreck. Paula rhapsodized about how he expressed himself. Simon compared it to a young guy being forced to sing his parents' song at a wedding.

BROOKE WHITE: Brooke is going to sing "You Must Love Me." Andrew Lloyd Webber observed in coaching that she had no idea what she was singing about. After some instruction and some background info on what the song is actually about, Brooke manages to simulate a sad facial expression, earning high praise from the master. She starts out the song, barfs up a word, asks to start over, then sings it real nice with hand gestures and everything. YES YOU HEARD ME: SHE STOPPED AND STARTED OVER. She sang four or five words and then stopped, asked the band to start over, and then sang it again. Randy said it was alright, he bought the emotion. The camera turns to Paula and the crowd grows eerily silent. Paula, in the middle of a terrible hush, pauses, and then says in a very calm voice "You must never start and stop and start again." As if she's saying, "You have six months to live." Simon says that in her position, having forgotten the lyric, he would have done the same thing. Everyone knows that Brooke is over though.

The way Jason and Brooke have talked about their songs, the way they delivered them, the way they interviewed about them and how little they knew about them when they first presented them to Andrew Lloyd Webber -- it's clear they were assigned these songs. They did not know what they were choosing, if any choosing was involved. The myth of song choice is busted.

DAVID ARCHULETA: David gets awkwardly hugged by a gaggle of Ugly Betty look-alikes on the stools. Apparently they are all his sisters? Andrew Lloyd Webber gives him props for reimagining "Think of Me" as a pop song instead of a diva song. He then advises David to open his eyes while he sings. "The eyes have it! That's why they say that!" he says. I am too kind and I admire the man too much to tell him it's actually ayes that have it and it's more about voting than emoting. But he knew that, right? He was just playing, right? David A's version of "Think of Me" is cute and peppy, but too heavy on the strings and a little boy-bandy when it could have kicked in a bit more on the second verse they're allowing the kids to do now that they have time to kill. Randy says it was the bomb. Paula says it was absolutely perfect. She says, she actually says, that he took a risk -- by turning it into a pop ballad. What risk? It was like turning honey into maple syrup. Not particularly dangerous. Simon calls it forgettable. David A looks like he might cry. Poor David! Subjected to criticism! Not nice!

CARLY SMITHSON: She was going to sing "That's All I Ask of You" but Andrew Lloyd Webber convinced her to do "Superstar" instead. That's right, the titular song from "Jesus Christ Superstar" -- a song/musical considered dangerously blasphemous by a significant percentage of the voting public. This is the opposite of Kristy Lee Cook doing "God Bless the USA." This is song-choice suicide. I'm expecting Carly's tattooed husband to bite the head of a cocker spaniel when they show him in the audience. She is wearing a sequinned jersey dress with funky fleur de lis down the front. During the judging, Carly seems to be holding a t-shirt that says "Simon Loves Me (this week)" and Ryan makes air quotes while reading the parentheses. Husband says, "Where did the shirt come from? Did she have it balled up and stuck in her butt?" Hmm--- maybe!

DAVID LEE COOK: Well isn't that fantastic. He grew up doing musical theater. Something tells me we're not going to get a Whitesnake rendition of "Don't Cry For Me Argentina." Andrew Lloyd Webber calls "Music of the Night" the sexiest song he's ever written, and during the mentoring, he demands that David picture him as a gorgeous girl, which he says he "regrettably" is not. Wow. Interesting dynamic. Cook is going to play this superstraight (oh yes, SUPERstraight) and sing it just like it is in the musical -- no cute rhythmic change-ups, no guitar, just eye-farking the camera and emoting like billy-o. Randy calls it a molten hot lava bomb. Paula calls him well rounded and tells him he has a beautiful instrument. Simon says "You made the most of the song you were given." So, they were given songs.

Best Performance: Syesha Mercado or David Cook.
Worst Performance: Brooke.
Going Home: Brooke. Bye, my sweet crazy girl.

Labels: american idol, andrew lloyd webber, recap, summary, television, top six