My TIVO failed to record sound during the first 3:47 minutes of this episode. This near catastrophe caused my husband to almost believe that there could be a reason to go on living in this merciless world of ours, but then the sound kicked in just in time to tell us that Mariah Carey's album is called E=MC2 and the first single from this album is called "Touch My Body." Um Mariah? Aristotle called. He wants his disjuncture of spirit and flesh back. Thanks.

Mariah brought her dog to the mentoring sessions and he wasn't cute. She recommended that the idols not see her as Mariah Carey but as their friend that they met last week who sings for a living.

DAVID ARCHULETA: David uses his breathy upspeak to tell us that meeting Mariah was overwhelming. His body language with her was weird -- like she was made out of molten lava and he didn't want to singe his faux 80s grunge t-shirt. But wait -- SOMETHING IS HAPPENING! Mariah actually gave him a note on the song! She made a recommendation that he go up into his falsetto (three syllables, thanks Mariah) at one point and -- that is the first time any of the "mentors" have actually given them advice. David sings "I Believe." Runs, gyrations, fist-clutching, penetrating gazes, and yes, lip-licking. The judges love it. Randy reveals to us that David is usually so nervous he doesn't eat. David says that today he "managed to eat." What a wilted dandelion is David Archuleta. What a forgotten, late-afternoon dandelion in a fingerprinted orange juice glass, laid out limp against the lip, devoid of chloroplast, vacuoles depleted, and no one wants to throw it away, because that cute child delivered it in its fat fist, but really, it's time to clear the table.

CARLY SMITHSON: On the stools, Carly talks about how boring it all is without Michael Johns around. Apparently the idols all sit around now looking at each other wondering who's going to crack a joke. Wow, makes me want to buy a Ford, really. She sings "I Can't Live Without You" or whatever it's called, I think we've heard this song most recently on a commercial for self-sticking shelf liner. She sings it until its tail falls off and it wanders around, tailless, wondering what to do next. They show a long, lingering shot of Carly's richly, deeply, darkly tattooed husband. She sings it over about eight octaves. Randy thought the lower octave was weak. Paula is in that mode where she talks in really clipped, short words and nods little nods on every word. Simon says he's been waiting to hear this song, but he feels like Carly didn't pull it off. He feels she has the capacity but didn't do it "on the night." They want her GONE, people. Gone.

That guy who was the guy in Enchanted has gone on to do a very crappy Chicklit movie. He's going to be a bridesmaid. GET IT? FUNNY BECAUSE HE IS A MAN!!!!!!

SYESHA MERCADO: Mariah wrote the song "Vanishing" when she was a teenager. It is still one of her favorites. Syesha apparently sang a bunch of wrong notes, which Mariah went through, with the pianist, and nicely fixed. That was nice. Syesha looks great tonight in a gold dress -- a little old but great. Again she delivers a very technical performance, very perfect, to me it actually seems more emotional than she usually gives us. As she stands before the judges she actually looks like she might be crying. Randy thought it was good. Difficult but good. Paula thinks it was a smart decision to choose a song that not a lot of people knew. Simon thought that was a dumb decision. You know what? Syesha is beautiful, and she looks like a really nice person, but she bores me near to apoplexy.

BROOKE WHITE: Brooke interviews on the stools that she missed her sister's wedding to meet with Mariah Carey. Wah, wah, she probably has lots more sisters. Brooke sings "Hero" at the piano, and we see quite a few deliberate tight shots of her hands. They look fine, perfectly matching her face this time. She must have given the old man hands back to the old man. Good decision Brooke. She messes up a little on her piano part, and I wonder why she's playing it so fast. These people accompany themselves on the piano and then just play chords on the beat! Like, regular, expected, unremarkable chords. Still, I thought she sounded heartfelt, genuine, and delivered the song honestly. I like Brooke, and she looks good in sparkles instead of the usual western 70s shirt. Randy thought it was good -- he liked the singer songwriter vibe. Paula thought it got a little faster throughout. Simon thought it was like ordering a hamburger and only getting the bun. Then he revises that comment to say... there was no tomato. Oh just stick to your farkin' analogy, pussy.

KRISTY LEE COOK: Mariah claims to like KLC's version of "Those Days of Love Are Gone" better than her own version. Kristy plans with crushing, stolid calm in her interview that she will get emotionally connected with the song. Great. Nothing like living in the moment. I liked it better than getting my eyebrows done. I liked it better than finding out I have a speeding ticket from 1995 that a collection agency is now pursuing payment for, and really, 1995? Why me? Why now? But the clerk of the county says "We found you!" Like I have been hiding behind a bush and they have been counting to 100. I am *never* going back to Ohio. KLC finishes up and I have not been killed by boredom but I had to resort to entertaining myself. Kristy has a dairy maid's face. The broad, honest face of a girl who milks cows. She's like that stoic peasant girl in a George Eliot novel, placid and longsuffering. Randy, Paula, and Simon think various things about her. Does it even matter? The fans of country music have found their new darling.

Gross! On their way to commercial they reveal that David Cook is back to the ironic banker's vest. NO!!!!!!

DAVID COOK: Mariah is interested in the male perspective that David brings to "You'll Always Be My Baby." She called it pretty and haunting. David sings the verse like he can't hear the monitor. Kind of vague. Eventually the song kicks in and he moves from Matchbox 20 to Live. You know what I mean? Still, a little precious. A little cute. Take a pop song and make it sorta emo. BEEN DONE. BY YOU. Randy says he's ready to make an album. He's a hot recording artist. Randy STANDS UP and gives a WOO. Paula says the song could be in a movie soundtrack. "You're it." Simon says it was like coming out of karaoke hell into a breath of fresh air. It was original, daring, and stood out by a mile. Wow, the pimping is in full effect. Gross, he's CRYING. David Cook, I am sickened by your weakness.

JASON CASTRO: Mariah thinks Jason doing "I Don't Wanna Cry" is interesting and different. Kind of like when you get the baby octopus salad and you are imagining pieces of baby octopus, but then instead it's like whole baby octopuses, with the heads still on, looking exactly like you'd think they would look, if they were still alive. Know what I mean, J? Then as now, interesting and different can mean so many things. She suggests some ideas and different melodies for him to help him interpret the song. I wish she would give him an idea to stop sounding like George Michael. I have to say that in dreadlocks and with all of his weird facials, George Michael does sound pretty cool though. He has a little kinda Latin acoustic ensemble on stage with him. Randy felt like he was at a beach luau. Paula would love to be at that luau. Simon agrees -- bring on the fried bananas!

Again, Jason Castro and Brooke White are the only performances that I would want to listen to again. The rest of those tooly bucketheads can suck it.

Best Performance: Jason Castro
Most Pimped Cringefest: David Fartchuleta
Worst Performance: Carly Smithson
Going Home: Carly Smithson

Labels: american idol, mariah carey, recap, top seven