American Idol: Top Nine Show Recap: Dolly Parton Mentors
9 CommentsBy Lostcheerio on Tuesday, April 1, 2008 at 9:40 PM.
No one has been anticipating the Dolly Parton night more than I have. No, not even you.
Looky at Ryan! Ryan is trying to play an April Fool's joke on us! Oh toodledy doodle! He tells us tonight's episode would be pre-empted (TEE HEE) by a special celebrity edition of "Moment of Truth" (WAKKA WAKKA) starring our very own Simon Cowell (SPROINGK!!!) but then he gives us our first fist-pump off the night and says APRIL FOOLS THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL! Whatever. He's wearing pewter again.
Dolly Parton has written over 3000 songs. She says she thinks of her songs as her children. Dolly looks like the mom from Brazil. The idea of her having 3000 inhuman children is almost logical.
BROOKE WHITE: Her session with Dolly was kind of uncomfortable, but Dolly likes her honesty. She sings "Jolene," which is a song I've never heard before but I kind of like. A man is sitting next to her on a box, and playing the box as percussion. During the song, I pretend there is a little extra man inside the box, being punished for making fun of Dolly's plastic surgery. There is also a violin, and Brooke plays the guitar. Randy said it was alright. Paula told her she had an emotional connection with the song, and added definitively "You are Brooke White." Simon contradicted Paula, saying it lacked emotion, that the group of musicians looked odd together, and that she just sort of busked her way through it. She does look a little casual, in her cornflower blue t-shirt and those damn military button pants again. I'm hoping against hope she'll vote-pimp for the camera by holding up one shrivelled, wrinkled, craggy finger for us: Vote #1 for Brooke! But she just clutches her guitar. You know, she is really very poised up there. I'll give her that. And some coconut oil.
DAVID COOK: David Cook appears on the stools to 'fess up to finding the much-loved arrangements to Day Tripper, Eleanor Rigby, and Billy Jean online. It's not any kind of "I'm sorry" thing, it's just Ryan interviews him into a comfortable place to clarify things. Then he clarifies that tonight's version of "Little Sparrow" is his own. Too bad. Tonight his hair is 80% better, he's wearing a white collared shirt and jeans and strumming an acoustic guitar with no letters on it. He almost looks like a grown-up.
Unfortunately either the song is just monotonous or he can't light up an arrangement without YouTube research. Randy loved it. He says he loved David "going into your false." Paula echoed this sentiment. I like false as a noun. I want a false! Don't you? Let's all go out and have falses. It'll be so thematic for tonight's songwriter. AHEM. Simon congratulated him on making a song about sparrows sound good. Ooo! Another towel-snap to Dolly Parton!
RAMIELE MALUBAY: Ramiele admits to being starstruck by Dolly Parton. Each of Dolly's upper lips flutters gently over cute little Ramiele and her spunky song that she picked. It's one of those perky little numbers that engenders a lot of head-bobbing in a singer, a lot of eyebrow waggling, and I can't remember any of the words or what the song was about. Randy gives it a 6.5 out of ten. Paula announces that Ramiele had a great minute and thirty seconds. Simon predicts that in ten years time we will not remember it. He likens it to a cruise ship performance. Ryan leaps up on stage and Ramiele uses her really ironic upspeak? To tell us? That she was like freaking out? In front of Dolly? Ryan is unamused and shakes Ramiele around by the neck.
JASON CASTRO: Dolly picks up the dreads like they're little animals and says, cryptically "I would dread to do those locks." Yeah. Jason sings "Travelin' Through" in a perfectly respectable way. He actually has a couple of facial expressions that indicate some kind of feeling or some kind of believable performance. Randy liked it. He liked the vibe. Paula thought he sounded great. Simon didn't like the song, thought it sounded just like the last song, just didn't get it.
So, Dolly has given them exactly zero advice, none of the songs have made any significant impact, and her bone structure is terrifying. Couldn't we have had one more Beatles week?
CARLY SMITHSON: Carly stumps out onstage in brown leggings and knee boots. Unfortunate. She starts the song with the guitar player next to her onstage, signalling that this will be one of those "very special performances" but then the band comes in with a Lite FM type accompaniment.
Boring and fat. I mean flat. Her hair tonight reminds me of that awful video she made when she was 16 where she writhed around in a wind machine promising oral sex to all comers. Again they show her tattooed husband. Hey, it worked last week -- she got in the bottom three. Randy and Paula loved it, Simon did not, and Simon points out that she needs to "have a word" with whoever is dressing her. She doesn't look like a star. I agree. She looks like she's wearing those "alternative" jodphurs that some people wear to make a statement when they really should just wear the tan ones like everyone else and let the horse make the statement. If you know what I'm talking about, yo. Leave the steel blue jodphurs. Leave the brown ones. Go with tan. Sing like you mean it.
Ryan comes back from the break in the mosh pit. There are more "returning student" types in the mosh pit than I imagined.
DAVID ARCHULETA: His moist lips and piercing stares make Dolly Parton cry. She references his "little emotion." He sings some kind of country-roads-take-me-home bull droppings about the old folks at home (literally) and leaning on his Jesus (really) and the Smoky Mountains. Nauseating beyond the scope of my tolerance. Randy loved it. Paula applauds his tone and beautiful aura, says he is "glorious." Simon says the song choice was on the money. David does his habitual sighing and squinting, and the fangirls in the front row explode.
KRISTY LEE COOK: Dolly thinks Kristy's Momma will be proud of her. Kristy reveals she would rather impress Dolly Parton than her own mother. Endearing like a bear trap, darlin'. She's wearing turquoise and silver and a glitter eye shadow tonight, singing "Coat of Many Colors" in bare feet.
On the last "coat of many colors that my momma made for me" she wobbles her head all over the place. Yeah, signature head-wobble! Husband says "She really made it for the dog." Yar! Randy and Paula gush and throw roses. Simon calls it pleasant but forgettable.
SYESHA MERCADO: Dolly says she's pretty and has a real pretty voice. Thank you, Dolly. You and Gordon Ramsey, baby. Hard as nails. Syesha sings "I Will Always Love You" in a sunshine yellow dress with a red belt, sitting primly on a grand piano. Heeeeedious to look at, but I think she sang the song very well, actually. It would have been better if a strange brown cat hadn't crawled out of the bushes and sat on her head during the whole performance.
Distracting, that strange brown cat. Randy and Paula garble ambivalence and Simon predictably says that she didn't sing it as well as Whitney Houston might have. Husband points out that everyone who ever does this song gets obliterated in critiques for not being Whitney Houston. I bet David Cook could do it and not get the comparison. If, of course, Alice in Chains had a version on YouTube that he could adapt. But this is about Syesha! And... Syesha is kind of boring.
MICHAEL JOHNS: In the tape, it is revealed that Dolly likes Michael and Michael likes Dolly. It's cute! They dig each other. Michael always seems to pull out something genuine and endearing in the tape, right before he marches out onstage and lays a big squashy turd. Predictably enough, he sings "It's all Wrong But It's All Right" in a really bluesy way with his shirt open, while wearing a silk... purple... NECK SCARF.
Like he is the freakin' "The Continental." GAHHHHH. Too gross. TOO GROSS! I call too gross!!!! Randy loved it, Paula says he looks gorgeous, Simon thinks it's the best he's heard him sing ever. Bleeaarggh.
Best Performance of the Night: In my opinion, Jason Castro or Brooke White. Those are the only one I'd want to hear again.
Most Relentlessly Pimped But Undeserving Horrorshow of the Night: David Archuleta
Worst Performance of the Night: Ramiele Malubay
Going Home: Carly Smithson
Looky at Ryan! Ryan is trying to play an April Fool's joke on us! Oh toodledy doodle! He tells us tonight's episode would be pre-empted (TEE HEE) by a special celebrity edition of "Moment of Truth" (WAKKA WAKKA) starring our very own Simon Cowell (SPROINGK!!!) but then he gives us our first fist-pump off the night and says APRIL FOOLS THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL! Whatever. He's wearing pewter again.
Dolly Parton has written over 3000 songs. She says she thinks of her songs as her children. Dolly looks like the mom from Brazil. The idea of her having 3000 inhuman children is almost logical.
BROOKE WHITE: Her session with Dolly was kind of uncomfortable, but Dolly likes her honesty. She sings "Jolene," which is a song I've never heard before but I kind of like. A man is sitting next to her on a box, and playing the box as percussion. During the song, I pretend there is a little extra man inside the box, being punished for making fun of Dolly's plastic surgery. There is also a violin, and Brooke plays the guitar. Randy said it was alright. Paula told her she had an emotional connection with the song, and added definitively "You are Brooke White." Simon contradicted Paula, saying it lacked emotion, that the group of musicians looked odd together, and that she just sort of busked her way through it. She does look a little casual, in her cornflower blue t-shirt and those damn military button pants again. I'm hoping against hope she'll vote-pimp for the camera by holding up one shrivelled, wrinkled, craggy finger for us: Vote #1 for Brooke! But she just clutches her guitar. You know, she is really very poised up there. I'll give her that. And some coconut oil.
DAVID COOK: David Cook appears on the stools to 'fess up to finding the much-loved arrangements to Day Tripper, Eleanor Rigby, and Billy Jean online. It's not any kind of "I'm sorry" thing, it's just Ryan interviews him into a comfortable place to clarify things. Then he clarifies that tonight's version of "Little Sparrow" is his own. Too bad. Tonight his hair is 80% better, he's wearing a white collared shirt and jeans and strumming an acoustic guitar with no letters on it. He almost looks like a grown-up.
Unfortunately either the song is just monotonous or he can't light up an arrangement without YouTube research. Randy loved it. He says he loved David "going into your false." Paula echoed this sentiment. I like false as a noun. I want a false! Don't you? Let's all go out and have falses. It'll be so thematic for tonight's songwriter. AHEM. Simon congratulated him on making a song about sparrows sound good. Ooo! Another towel-snap to Dolly Parton!
RAMIELE MALUBAY: Ramiele admits to being starstruck by Dolly Parton. Each of Dolly's upper lips flutters gently over cute little Ramiele and her spunky song that she picked. It's one of those perky little numbers that engenders a lot of head-bobbing in a singer, a lot of eyebrow waggling, and I can't remember any of the words or what the song was about. Randy gives it a 6.5 out of ten. Paula announces that Ramiele had a great minute and thirty seconds. Simon predicts that in ten years time we will not remember it. He likens it to a cruise ship performance. Ryan leaps up on stage and Ramiele uses her really ironic upspeak? To tell us? That she was like freaking out? In front of Dolly? Ryan is unamused and shakes Ramiele around by the neck.
JASON CASTRO: Dolly picks up the dreads like they're little animals and says, cryptically "I would dread to do those locks." Yeah. Jason sings "Travelin' Through" in a perfectly respectable way. He actually has a couple of facial expressions that indicate some kind of feeling or some kind of believable performance. Randy liked it. He liked the vibe. Paula thought he sounded great. Simon didn't like the song, thought it sounded just like the last song, just didn't get it.
So, Dolly has given them exactly zero advice, none of the songs have made any significant impact, and her bone structure is terrifying. Couldn't we have had one more Beatles week?
CARLY SMITHSON: Carly stumps out onstage in brown leggings and knee boots. Unfortunate. She starts the song with the guitar player next to her onstage, signalling that this will be one of those "very special performances" but then the band comes in with a Lite FM type accompaniment.
Boring and fat. I mean flat. Her hair tonight reminds me of that awful video she made when she was 16 where she writhed around in a wind machine promising oral sex to all comers. Again they show her tattooed husband. Hey, it worked last week -- she got in the bottom three. Randy and Paula loved it, Simon did not, and Simon points out that she needs to "have a word" with whoever is dressing her. She doesn't look like a star. I agree. She looks like she's wearing those "alternative" jodphurs that some people wear to make a statement when they really should just wear the tan ones like everyone else and let the horse make the statement. If you know what I'm talking about, yo. Leave the steel blue jodphurs. Leave the brown ones. Go with tan. Sing like you mean it.
Ryan comes back from the break in the mosh pit. There are more "returning student" types in the mosh pit than I imagined.
DAVID ARCHULETA: His moist lips and piercing stares make Dolly Parton cry. She references his "little emotion." He sings some kind of country-roads-take-me-home bull droppings about the old folks at home (literally) and leaning on his Jesus (really) and the Smoky Mountains. Nauseating beyond the scope of my tolerance. Randy loved it. Paula applauds his tone and beautiful aura, says he is "glorious." Simon says the song choice was on the money. David does his habitual sighing and squinting, and the fangirls in the front row explode.
KRISTY LEE COOK: Dolly thinks Kristy's Momma will be proud of her. Kristy reveals she would rather impress Dolly Parton than her own mother. Endearing like a bear trap, darlin'. She's wearing turquoise and silver and a glitter eye shadow tonight, singing "Coat of Many Colors" in bare feet.
On the last "coat of many colors that my momma made for me" she wobbles her head all over the place. Yeah, signature head-wobble! Husband says "She really made it for the dog." Yar! Randy and Paula gush and throw roses. Simon calls it pleasant but forgettable.
SYESHA MERCADO: Dolly says she's pretty and has a real pretty voice. Thank you, Dolly. You and Gordon Ramsey, baby. Hard as nails. Syesha sings "I Will Always Love You" in a sunshine yellow dress with a red belt, sitting primly on a grand piano. Heeeeedious to look at, but I think she sang the song very well, actually. It would have been better if a strange brown cat hadn't crawled out of the bushes and sat on her head during the whole performance.
Distracting, that strange brown cat. Randy and Paula garble ambivalence and Simon predictably says that she didn't sing it as well as Whitney Houston might have. Husband points out that everyone who ever does this song gets obliterated in critiques for not being Whitney Houston. I bet David Cook could do it and not get the comparison. If, of course, Alice in Chains had a version on YouTube that he could adapt. But this is about Syesha! And... Syesha is kind of boring.
MICHAEL JOHNS: In the tape, it is revealed that Dolly likes Michael and Michael likes Dolly. It's cute! They dig each other. Michael always seems to pull out something genuine and endearing in the tape, right before he marches out onstage and lays a big squashy turd. Predictably enough, he sings "It's all Wrong But It's All Right" in a really bluesy way with his shirt open, while wearing a silk... purple... NECK SCARF.
Like he is the freakin' "The Continental." GAHHHHH. Too gross. TOO GROSS! I call too gross!!!! Randy loved it, Paula says he looks gorgeous, Simon thinks it's the best he's heard him sing ever. Bleeaarggh.
Best Performance of the Night: In my opinion, Jason Castro or Brooke White. Those are the only one I'd want to hear again.
Most Relentlessly Pimped But Undeserving Horrorshow of the Night: David Archuleta
Worst Performance of the Night: Ramiele Malubay
Going Home: Carly Smithson
Labels: american idol, dolly parton, recap, summary, top nine
Wow! Is it your goal to "out snide" Snidon Cowell? Do you ever enjoy American Idol, or do you just use it as fodder for expressing your innate snarkiness? And from someone who claims to be a professional writer, I would have expected more sophisticatedly scathing remarks.
I thought the best of the night was Syesha and was left wondering if the judges have some sort of personal vendetta against her.
Brooke was not very good and I actually have enjoyed her this season up to this point. I actually though she was better in her yellow sun dress with out the guitar than she was last night.
Ramielle is just putrid but her myspace page will probably bail her out once again.
Castro is getting lamer by the second.
Cook should have used a different recipe.
I was hating MichaelJohns up until 3 weeks ago. I have noticed that barely any contestants even bother to thank their fans but 3 weeks ago when Johns found out he was "safe" he stopped and looked at the camera and said "Thank you." It was a pet peeve of mine that they weren't thanking America and after Johns stepped up to the plate and delivered his big "Thank you" I decided to give him a fresh start with a clean slate. Since that night he has been on key and has been delivering the goods.
Syesha and Michael Johns were the best of the bunch last night along with (gulp) (gag) Kristy Lee. I think Castro is hittin' the pavement.
After last night, I can only hope and pray that next week is "Black Sabbath" week!! At the very least, let these contestants rip out some old Alice Cooper!
Also, Artsong24 is dead wrong! lostcheerio absolutely ROCKS!!
Artsong24, welcome to the blog. ;)
Wcarbyde, husband agreed with you about Michael Johns last night but I couldn't get past the scarf. I am very superficial and lame, though.
Syesha is beautiful and can sing but she needs some kind of a break-through moment where she shows some emotion, or at least learns to falsify emotion as well as the tiny and young Mr. Archuleta.
I really enjoyed reading your blog Harpoonist...
I was a little let down by all the performances....
and yeah, Michael was doing a Warren Beatty ...
I say let's hear BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN night!!!!!
hey wcarbyde...is a tough critic....he listened to 15 2008 Idol entries and got sick.....
but Alice Cooper....they are singing to America dude...
The White Stripes recently covered Jolene. Here is a live version (studio version was acoustic):
http://youtube.com/watch?v=zskw3mCQFL4
You are so funny, I can hardly stand it!!! I think I'm a tad(!?) less critical, but you do hit some nails dead on the head. .... .... Oh, and I, too, felt caught off-guard when "falsetto" was pronounced as, simply, "false."
~Jen
Ummm,,, Anonymous,,, I was joking, hope this didn't wreck your day.
I actually made myself watch the whole show, just so I could read this and be able to relate. I think Ramiele was wearing the same skirt Syesha wore three weeks ago. Ryan's shoulder seams were oddly fascinating. And you're right, Dolly does look like the mom from Brazil!
Is it weird that I totally agree with everything you said?? haha.
Absolutely correcto-mondo!
I thought Jason Castro was the best of the night. Really, he's the only one who actually "gets" the songs he sings. And sings them authentically.
(Unlike David Cook, who steals others arrangements...and well, tries to make it authentic)
Good recap!