Let me be perfectly forthcoming with you. I am recovering from the stomach flu. I am tired.

Before we begin, we need to address a couple of issues:

1. Did you read Garrett Haley’s tell-all interview? You remember Garrett – he was the one they called skeletal and then lambasted for crappy song choice. In his interview, little Garrett revealed the process that lead to that song choice. The contestants were given fifty choices and told to pick three possibilities, from which the producers would choose their song. He chose three, and they were all rejected. The producers chose “Breaking Up is Hard to Do” for him. And then he got voted out. Sad. I wipe away a tiny tear.
2. Robbie Carrico is denying that his hair is a wig. He is a douche.
3. Amanda Overmeyer has a mug shot. She accidentally crimed. Woops.
4. David Hernandez was a gay stripper. Or possibly Santa Claus.


Ryan reminds us there are eight guys left. Time to narrow it down to the top six. Tonight, since it is eighties night, the contestants’ films will reveal their most embarrassing moments. Am I supposed to be embarrassed by the eighties?

LUKE MENARD: For his embarrassing moment, kitten-headed Luke reveals that his sister once dressed him up like a ballerina Then we see a blurry picture of a small boy in a tutu. He sings an effeminate, breathless rendition of “Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.” I feel shame. First the pink skirt, and now this. Ryan thought it was corny. Paula love, love, love, loved it. Simon says it was weak and girly, and says he can’t possibly win. During his vote-pimping, I notice that he’s wearing a work shirt embroidered with little leaves or something.

DAVID ARCHULETA: David Archuleta is making blind, fluttery eyelashes at me. My weakened digestive system bends under the pressure. On his film, he reveals that in the middle of a fundraiser in Honduras, he ran out of pipes halfway through his song, and his mom had to finish it. He sings Phil Collins, “Another Day in Paradise.” He starts out on the piano, using the same facials as he did last week for “Imagine.” He really wants us to LEARN something about it being another day for us and him in paradise. He really wants us to EXAMINE that. He licks his lips a lot. His spongy, wet, meaningful lips. I predict that the judges will once again attempt to touch the hem of his garment. Randy says it was nice. Paula liked the fact that a couple notes were off, because it proves he’s a real person. Simon says it wasn’t as good as last week, and says it’s all getting a little gloomy. Then he predicts that the Latino hobbit will be in the final two.

DANNY NORIEGA: Danny Noriega reveals his most embarrassing moment was being tripped on some stairs. He sings, “Tainted Love” in a very overwrought and draggy way. It could almost be a cool version of this song, except for all the butt wiggling and pointing at the camera and the sort of breathless rush. He has purple streaks in his hair now. Randy tells him to be more vocally brave. Paula liked it. Simon thought it was horrible, absolutely useless, hated the performance, the arrangement, the vocal, everything.

DAVID HERNANDEZ: He did a gay stripper photo shoot once, and after he got the gay proofs out he realized he had an enormous stripper booger in his nose. He sings, “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now” or whatever it’s called, and he starts out well, but then gets overpowered by the backup singers. Had he been more gay, or more of a stripper, he might have been able to nail that song down a little harder. Randy says it was good. Paula says he’s really becoming a very good performer. Simon says it wasn’t as good as last week, but that he will make the finals.

MICHAEL JOHNS: Embarrassing moment: He was dressed as a mascot kangaroo in a rugby match, and got beat up by like four guys. He sings, “Don’t You Forget About Me.” Is this the defining song of my generation? Or what? He did fine. Randy says he is reminded of Michael Hutchens. Paula likes that he’s defining who he is. Simon liked it, but thinks he’s still looking for his moment.

DAVID COOK: David is wearing a giant crystalline amulet and banging around with his white Les Paul. A less sexy guitar cannot be imagined. His embarrassing moment is that he forgot the words to a song in a talent show. On closer inspection, my weary eyes perceive that the amulet is actually keys. Keys to what though? The clubhouse? The forbidden room? He sings “Hello” by Billy Ocean. Or Lionel Ritchie. Or Bartholomew the Dancing Elk. Randy thought it was brilliant, an emo version of a pop song. Paula likes the fact that he surprises her. Simon called it very brave, and reports that he loved it.

JASON CASTRO: He was embarrassed when he tore one of his dreadlocks on a date once, trying to tie his hair back before dinner. He sings Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah,” securing my eternal fandom. Never mind the song has been famously remade recently for a movie about ogres. Paula praises his phrasing. Simon thought it was brilliant. Simon says it’s his strongest performance so far, and he’s getting better and better.

CHIKEZIE: Chikezie reveals that when he was in high school he unwittingly used the women’s bathroom. He sings, “She Fills Me Up.” He doesn’t do anything spectacular in either direction. Randy and Paula liked it. Simon thought it was too cabaret, and not a smart move.

Best performance: Jason Castro and Michael Johns.
Going home: Luke Menard and Chikezie.

Labels: american idol, recap, summary, television