Thousands of families are watching. The lives of ten girls hang in the balance. This is American Idol. Really? Their lives? Are we going to hang the evicted houseguests from a digital gallows on the jumbo screen behind the set? Okay, let’s see what little cute gestures the girls are going to use to pry our votes out of us tonight:

Carly Smithson: One hand finger wiggle.
Syesha Mercado: Hey! And one hand window washer.
Brooke White: It’s all too much shrug and toothy grin, followed by wooden arm wave.
Ramiele Malubay: Two hand window washer and babydoll oooh! mouth.
Kristy Lee Cook: Two hand window washer and ironic wow-mouth.
Amanda Overmeyer: One hand raised, shows the palm, then retracts. So superfly.
Alaina Whitaker: Pin up girl hand on hip, blows us a kiss! And wearing royal blue! Gah!
Alexandrea Lushington: Double peace sign.
Kady Malloy: Thumbs up and rocker RAWR face. Seems to have spilled a jar of buttons down her front.
Asia’h Epperson: Two handed stress-ball squeeze wave. And nose wrinkle. Her skirt ate her torso and burped up a big black belt.

Judges are Randy, Paula, and Simon. They seem to have forgotten their scarring experiences from last night, because they recall the show for us as “on fire.”

Carly Smithson is Into You

CARLY SMITHSON: Carly’s secret is that she works at an Irish bar to support her failing tattoo parlor. To fully lock in my worship, she makes a bed on camera. She sings “Crazy on You” with angry, scary eyes and jouncing, gelatinous boobages. Not everyone can sing Heart, and Carly is no exception. If you know what I mean. She does the whole microphone in-and-out thing that Simon calls old fashioned, and lifts her leg carefully at the end to show her deep firey passion for rock. I have trouble swallering that load when I’ve just seen her picking flecks of lint off a beige duvet cover. Randy and Paula were ambivalent. Simon notices she is out of breath, and says she still hasn’t found the right song yet, but that she is an incredible singer. Carly reveals it has always been her dream to sing that song on American Idol. Ryan points out she needs a new dream now. Aw shucks.

Simon is doing the moose antler hand again. The mitten hand. The thing where it looks like he’s trying to jam his thumb into his temple. When the camera goes out wide, it just looks insane. Simon, what’s going on?

SYESHA MERCADO: Her secret is that she acts in commercials. She remembers her most famous line from a commercial where she played a succulent cut of mutton and said, “Duane, find me a big beautiful shell!” Then she imitates a baby crying. Wow, big deal. My kids could do that when they were… like… born. She’s wearing her hair in two symmetrical lumps behind a headband that says, “It’s seventies night.” She sings “Me and Mr. Jones” At certain times, she kills it with honor, but at other points, it is a little dull. The song is a snooze, let’s just all face it. Randy doesn’t like the song choice, Paula liked it alright, and Simon thought it was indulgent, given she had to switch the gender in the song, which he found silly. Ryan asks what her plan was with changing the arrangement up. She says, “I don’t know. I just made it my own.” Translation: “The band did that. I just showed up tonight.” EVS. Tonight is aggravating. My favorite people are making me want to chew my wrists open with boredom.

BROOKE WHITE: Brooke shocks us to our very collective core by revealing this chilling secret: she went to beauty school. She natters on about how hair is an art form, voicing over clips of her cutting a random guy’s hair in a very small bathroom. Halfway through beauty school she discovered music. Wow, where was music hiding during the first twenty years of your life, Brooke? Was it hiding behind rigorous intellectual inquiry, all coy and small where it knew you’d never find it? Brooke uses supercute air quotes to tell us she’s a “beauty school dropout” and my husband looks up from his laptop to ask if she went to beauty school for bunnies. Tonight Brooke accompanies herself on the guitar. I love, love, love her orange top and her Suzanne Somers hair. She sings “You’re So Vain” and I have to say, when I read the spoiler song list, I was worried about Brooke with this song, but SHE ROCKED IT. She does a little too much stool-bouncing and smiling, but I think she really “told a story” as they say. Randy speculates she was singing to Simon. Paula thought the song was perfect. Simon absolutely loved it. He admitted that he actually did think the song was about him. Brooke says thank you a million times. Finally one of my favorite girls pulls one out.



RAMIELE MALUBAY: Her secret is that she hula dances. This bores me. She sings “Don’t Leave Me This Way” as if she’s forty. What is making me fixate on her thick, thick, trunklike knees, her flaring nostrils, her pointy skull, her extra teeth, and all kinds of other physical details that I should be daintily overlooking in order to better appreciate the artistry. Maybe the awkward clips of the stumpy hula dancing have invited me in to this secret room. Your fault, Ramiele. Randy didn’t like it. It was just really okay. Paula didn’t like it much either. Simon has heard the song too many times at ghastly weddings. He thinks she is one of the top three singers in the competition, but this was not one of her best. Ramiele reveals she changed to this song in order to avoid the nickname “Lullabye Malubay.” Great choice, Ramiele. Enjoy your new nickname, “You Bore the Shit Out Of Us With This Dumb Song Choice Malubay.”

KRISTY LEE COOK: America would be surprised to know that Kristy is a tomboy, she speculates. She also reveals that she rides horses in ponds. She looks like an absolute star from the neck down tonight: great pewter top, sparkly black pants, boots. I want this outfit for my daughters’s Barbie. Her hair looks like a pile of spaghetti and she sings “You’re No Good” like she has a stray piece of pasta stuck in her throat, but hey, you can’t get everything right. Randy thought it was better than last week. He liked it. Paula says Kristy is back. Simon agrees it’s an improvement but doesn’t know what type of singer she really, really is. He recommends she goes down the country route. Kristy promises to go country next week and the folks at 19 Ent see big juicy country dollar signs.

AMANDA OVERMEYER: Amanda’s secret is that she’s a bookworm. She likes reading biographies of rock stars. She sing “Carry On My Wayward Son” wearing speckled flaming chaps. Her hair is absolutely a disaster: Think Delta Burke with white streaks all around the front. Amanda looks like she’s working too hard. It’s a struggle. Her hair is too stiff. Randy calls it pitchy and says it wasn’t the right song. Paula gives her props for her dance moves. I just feel terrible for Amanda standing there under that awful deathburst of streaky, stiff, plastic hair. Simon calls the hair terrible, the song indulgent, and says he couldn’t wait for the performance to finish. I’m afraid for her, with that shouty, dismal vocal and that car wreck of a wig. Lord. Robbie Carrico yesterday and Amanda Overmeyer today – I think the hair and makeup interns are shopping the Salvation Army for used extensions.

Why are the geese wearing hoodies on the Whirlpool commercials? Creepier than a herd of thestrals.

ALAINA WHITAKER: Alaina’s secret is that she doesn’t like her food touching on the plate. The worst thing is when green bean juice runs over and touches other stuff. That is really like bad. Alaina is trying to do Suzanne Somers hair and failing because of her unfortunate apey features. Face like a smashed dish. It’s better when she lifts her chin a little, but baby, when she’s making eyes at the camera, she is mercilessly chimpy. She sings “Hopelessly Devoted To You” and makes a perfect O with her lips on all the oooo sounds. Randy disagrees with the song choice. Alaina looks hunchy on the criticism. Paula calls her young and mature. Simon calls her old fashioned and speculates that her grandmother had prepped her for the audition. He thought it was pageanty, but calls her a dark horse in the competition.

Blonde #1

ALEXANDREA LUSHINGTON: Her secret is that she was the go-to girl for her Dad’s fire department when they needed the national anthem sung, or someone to do an impromptu song at Ground Zero. Cute footage of her belting it out as a preteen. She sings “Baby Please Don’t Go” and looks very pretty really with her hair pulled back on the top. She puts in a reasonable, solid, unremarkable performance. At the end she is weepy. Randy says, “What did you think?” and she says, “It’s over.” Randy tells her not to make safe choices. Paula felt she stretched it and made it her own and calls her relevant and important. Simon diagnoses her as struggling, and makes antler hand. ANTLER HAND TO YOU, SIMON. I like Alexandrea. She looks very comfortable in front of the camera.

KADY MALLOY: Her secret is that she sings opera. She sings it in the bathroom, looking at herself seductively in the mirror. Not a secret: She has an ape face like Alaina Whitaker has an ape face. They are the sisterhood of the low brow. The literal low brow. She sings “Magic Man” without hitting the correct pitch once. The button tree on the front of her tunic bobbles rhythmically as the disaster unfolds. Randy says it was a bad song for her. Paula suggests she define herself more. Simon feels frustrated because when she does the impromptu interview films, she’s charming and awesome, then comes out on stage and lays a giant rotten egg. Kady glowers and hefts her brow up and down. When she smiles, you see she has a chin to match the brow. Balance. But not in the sense of pleasant. In the sense of a cement block clunking down into a well and landing on both of its sides with equal finality.

Blonde #2

ASIA’H EPPERSON: Asia’h was a cheerleader. That’s her secret. She says it’s kind of like being on American Idol. You have to put your all into it. Dressed like a secretary, she sings, “All By Myself” which I believe was originated by some Canadian woman or other. Asia’h’s’ terrible night begins on the first “By” of the song, which she fails to sing. Her voice cracks. After that, though her skirt creeps helpfully up her torso and attempts to swallow her whole, things just get worse down to the last chin-quivering “more.” Randy gives her props for her high degree of difficulty. Paula thought it was great, though she had problems with the song, she brought it home. Simon thought she wasn’t enough singer to pull it off. She shouldn’t have attempted that song, and choosing it was silly. Ryan asks, wouldn’t you be criticizing her for playing it safe if she hadn’t taken the risk? Simon makes antler hand and Ryan’s head explodes.

Best Performances: Brooke White and nobody, really, although I liked Alexandrea Lushington.
Worst Performances: Amanda Overmeyer and either Kady Malloy or Alaina Whitaker.

Maybe America will have mercy on Amanda and just get rid of both the eye-rolling, knuckle-dragging blondes. Is there hope?

Labels: american idol, recap, season 7, summary, television