Give it up!!!! Give it up for the boys, the judges, and the flu virus, which has apparently laid waste to the Idols this week! Ryan Seacrest, ever one to sum things up in an insightful and meaningful way, uniquely specific to the situation at hand, says "The show must go on."

Let's go! It's the First Impression Girl Parade:

Kristy Lee Cook: Brought out Amazing Grace multiple times. Looks like my sexually irresponsible neighbor. No, not that one. The other one.
Joanne Borgella: Plus size.
Alaina Whitaker: No recollection.
Amanda Overmyer: Rock 'N' Roll Nurse!
Amy Davis: Can't remember.
Brooke White: Birdboned blue-eyed blonde. Therefore, my favorite girl.
Alexandrea Lushington: I do not recall.
Kady Malloy: No memory of.
Asia'h Epperson: Dead father.
Ramiele Malubay: Renee Zellwegger of the Phillipines. Round of shoulder.
Syesha Mercado: Extremely beautiful.
Carly Smithson: Irish.

Judges are Randy, Paula, and Simon. Randy prevaricates about dogs. Paula advises the girls to bring it, including their vocals. Simon claims to like a saucy contestant now and then. He is not upset about being sauced last night.

OMG! PARKER POSEY IS HAVING A SHOW! A SHOW THAT HAPPENS EVERY WEEK! Let's all pinky-swear to totally watch it so it doesn't get cancelled. It's by the people who brought you The Gilmore Girls. Which I never watched. And it subsequently got cancelled. So there you go.

KRISTY LEE COOK: This is the girl who sold her horse to go to Philadelphia and try out for AI. Slut. She sings "Rescue Me" while tapping her fingers on the microphone. Remember when Jasmine Trias used to do that? Jasmine didn't have any facial expressions either. Randy calls it rough, Paula says it's okay because she's sick (apparently bronchitis -- wah), Simon calls it robotic and points out that Paula's done the show when she was sick and no one ever knew. Uh, yeah, we actually did know. Except what you're calling sick we're calling drunk and high.

JOANNE BORGELLA: She lets us know that not all plus size girls are about soul and neosoul. She also announces her intention to touch my life. Hands off this life, sugar. She sings a weird version of "I Say A Little Prayer for You" that's simultaneously muzakish and rhythmically experimental. I can't wait for it to be over. Randy attributes her awfulness to nerves, Paula reminds herself that Joanne has been alright at other times. Simon calls it average caberet. "Every one of you has a head start to become a superstar with this show. If you don't take it and run with it, you don't deserve it." Well said, Simon. Joanne's hair looks like a pile of garter snakes that have given it up.

ALAINA WHITAKER: Alaina's birthday is tomorrow. She wants our votes as a present. Sorry, Alaina, I gave my vote to Hillary Clinton, but I'm putting some dried out Play-doh in an envelope for you. I found it under the dining room table. Happy seventeenth. I do not like this smug dumb teenager, but she does a good job on "I Love You More Today Than Yesterday." Randy said it was going on, Paula looks like she was blow-dried by a tall person who wasn't paying attention. Simon says it was good. This girl's mother looks familiar: another hesitant woman that spawned a dead-eyed, narcissistic, bigmouthed blonde. Alaina is one of those hearty blondes. Tan. Guffawing. Chomping gum. The kind you'd like to stuff in a sack.

AMANDA OVERMEYER: I love Amanda and feel confident that she will make it to the finals. When she comes out to sing "Baby Please Don't Go" the band suddenly breaks out of the horns-and-strings crap it's been shovelling up and rocks like a bee sting. Amanda burns up the song by scat-singing the guitar solo. First performance of the night. Randy compliments her pants, Paula calls her authentic, and Simon really likes her. Amanda makes me miss smoking. I'm sure she doesn't smoke any more, now that 19 Ent owns her lungs, but you don't have that voice at 23 unless you were sucking Camel blowpops in your mama's arms.

AMY DAVIS: There's at least one of these every season. I can't recall the faces of any examples to make my point, and that is my point. She's what Simon likes to call forgettable. She seems like a nice girl but I can't even remember her name and I just typed it. She sings "Where the Boys Are" in a superschmaltzy tone with a Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade arrangement. Blah. She does that thing where you hit a note by starting several notes below it and sliding up to it while making sultry eyes. Unless Santa is coming on the next float, I do not appreciate. Randy agrees with me about "scooping" up to the notes, Paula says she looks great on camera, Simon calls her boring. Forgetme McAnyone looks like she's been punched in the face, and it's not just her unfortunate bone structure.

BROOKE WHITE: Brooke is a nanny, a self-proclaimed good girl, and wears big, huge horizontal stripes any time she can. She needs the illusion of weight gain to make her look less like an upside down dust mop. She sings "Happy Together," and apart from the repetition of "buchoo" I liked it. The fashion wasn't there -- she looked like she ran out of the house in whatever she was wearing to watch Dr. Phil. Also, the band kind of overpowered her once it kicked in. Randy recommends that the contestants slay their songs. Paula calls her an original. Simon wonders if she's selling dish soap, and scorns her perpetual happiness. I can't help but love her, what with the pallor and all.

ALEXANDREA LUSHINGTON: Ms. Lushington is one of those girls who lifts up her chin and sings right out through her nostrils, maximizing the air flow through her sinuses. She won America's heart by bringing her ancient grandmother to her first audition. Tonight she gives a spirited if adenoidal performance of "Spinning Wheel" which I actually completely enjoyed. It was animated. Randy reports the doors have been blown off. Paula calls her spaghetti suspenders "dope." Simon compares it to one of those horrible little sixties musicals. Randy and Paula defend her relevance! Simon refuses to bend the knee to Alexandrea's dope outfit. When she pimps her number she makes it look like a gang sign! Dope!!!

KADY MALLOY: Kady looks like that other tanned pie-faced blonde, but without the nose job. She sings "Groovy Kind of Love" in an arrangement I feel the judges will call relevant. Especially at the beginning, I thought she sounded great. If only she didn't have all those eyebrows, and all those dead eyes. When I don't look at her, I quite enjoy it. Randy was disappointed, Paula calls for more life, Simon calls it "Night of the Living Dead." Kady looks completely pissed, like she's going to pull the Kady mask off and eat Ryan's face off with her dripping skeletal jaws.

ASIA'H EPPERSON'H: When she put in a solid audition on a tear-jerking song the day after her father died, I thought she was just a robot. I mean, Paula cried more than she did. Tonight she takes the stage in mason jar lid earrings, and belts out "Take Another Little Piece of My Heart" except she pronounces it "My 'Art" and it's way way too happy and fun. Makes me want to give her a reason to cry. Oh wait, she already has one, and yet, she doesn't. Randy says great, Paula says great, Simon says best performance of the night. I resent Asia'h for not being more destroyed by personal tragedy. She says it is just her, she is just bubbly, and that makes me want to peel her fingernails off. One. By. One'h.

RAMIELE MALUBAY: She has the Colton Barry haircut! The eighties combover! Her fashion is also tragically eighties. She comes out in a navy cardigan, a maroon t-shirt, a gold braid belt, grey leggings, and gold lace-up heels with cut-outs. I mean, confusing doesn't even begin to cover it. She sings "You Don't Have To Say You Love Me, Just Be Close At Hand" or whatever it's called, and sounds like she's 50 and delusional, including dramatic head-turns and hand-flailing. Randy says it was hot, Paula loved the dramatic head-turns, and Simon says she outdid everyone else tonight. Wow, I loathe her.

SYESHA MERCADO: She's the one who lost her voice in Hollywood and wrote little notes on a pad to communicate. I think she's beautiful and loved her "Chain of Fools" rendition from last week. Tonight she sings "Tobacco Road" which is one of my favorite oldies songs, and does it flawlessly. Randy liked it, Paula says it was joyful and big, and Simon says she's one of the most talented girls. I can't find anything vicious to say about her. Must be time for bed. Or more Vicodin.

CARLY SMITHSON: Carly is our girl from the emerald isle who had green card issue last year and was chucked off the show. Apparently she had a record contract when she was fifteen, but the label went under. She can blow, but she's emotional. Possibly my favorite personality in the whole show. Which leads me to ask, "Carly, why the fork are you wearing a giant purple nightgown? Why?" Stick with black, make it fitted, hey, why not try a collared shirt next week? She delivers a very technical, competent rendition of a song that might be called "Shadow of Your Smile." A little twingy -- if I had to guess I'd say she was one of the sick contestants they keep talking about. Randy loved it, says it was the best vocal of the top 24, Paula calls her reliable. Simon says he's let down, it was not fantastic, the mike technique was old fashioned and cabaret. Ryan confirms she has bronchitis. If I voted, I'd vote for her.

My prediction: Bottom three are Joanne, Amy, Kady. Amy goes home.

See you tomorrow night!

Labels: american idol, recap, television