Last week on Survivor, Ashley wore a headband on her butt and called it macaroni. And then got voted out. This week, TIVO rebelled against recording the show, and had to be beaten with a pillar candle, until it repented its supercilious attitudes towards reality television.

With our TIVO firmly in line, we join the show at 5 minutes in, plenty of time to find out that Drew Carey is going to be hosting the Price is Right, starting on October something. Apparently this Drew Carey is a man who wears a certain kind of glasses? Or something?

FEI LONG: Jean Baptiste Robert Defontaine is out in the water scrubbing his teeth dejectedly with a bamboo shoot while James and the brunette discover that they have caught a crab in a crab pot.

The whole tribe fights over what to do with the crab. Suggestions vary between James eating the whole thing, boiling it into a “crab stock,” and using the crab shell to fashion a mercy outfit for Sherea. In the end, no one wins, and the crab gets hacked in half. Ambiguous.

Leslie reveals that her husband gets crabby (Get it? Crabby?) when hungry, and that these boys fighting over the crab are like “my husband times infinity.” I ponder for a moment what my husband times infinity would be like, and I conclude it would not be like a bunch of dreary men standing around on the banks of a muddy lake, absently scratching their nipples and whining about who gets two bites of crab and who gets to sniff the empty shell. Pretty sure not.

During the argument, the lunch lady nods sagely. That’s the closest thing she gets to a line of dialogue in the whole show. That’ll teach her to come on Survivor with a mullet ponytail.

James the grave digger is frustrated. He whines that is the only one who went and read a survivor handbook before the game, even though he doesn’t like to do things outside and doesn’t even like plastic cups. Four hours at B&N and he feels like Crocodile Dundee out here. Congratulations. I liked you better when you were mutely knocking over bamboo trees.

ZHAN HU: Dave continues to work tirelessly on his barbecue pit. Even though he bonked on the last challenge, he is working constantly and refuses to comply with Peih Gee’s insane plan to maybe rest sometimes so he doesn’t stagger through the challenges like an old maid aunt. He will rest during the challenges. He will rest when he damn well feels like it.

I have to say: Dave is starting to get crazy eyes. As the tribe mildly ponders different ways to maximize the heat of the fire, he gets up from where he is sprawled in the shelter, sighs drastically, marches off to the brick pile, brings them a brick, and then gives a lecture on how lazy they are that they didn’t get a brick for themselves, rather than sitting their arguing about whether they needed one or not. When Frosty points out that they already had a brick, right there, Dave stomps and pouts. I’m telling you, the cataclysmic meltdown is coming, and I can’t wait. Peih Gee interviews that she has faith in their tribe and they need to look out for each other. Judging from the amount of whites we’re observing around Dave’s eyes, they really do need to look out. And hide the machete.

REWARD CHALLENGE: The challenge: throw your opponent off a catwalk between two boats, and into the lake water, using hand-to-hand combat. Reward is blankets pillows and a tarp.

Round one: Women vs Women. I’m putting my money on the lunch lady, but she goes in the water first. Sherea is wearing her standard competition uniform: Bra and purple panties. Zhan Hu scores.

Round two: Men vs Men. Dave complicates matters by getting completely naked and then prowling around on all fours like a cat. I am not even making that up. James throws everyone in the water and Fei Long gets a point.

Round three: Women vs Women. Zhan Hu scores again. At one point they rolled the lunch lady like a log into the water.

Round four: Men vs Men. Dave is still naked. WHY? He nakedly leaps on James the grave digger, who flings him into the water. He splashes in, flailing and giggling. James flings everyone else off too. Fei Long scores.

It is two and two and they are playing to three.

Round five: Women vs. Women. Lunch Lady has now taken off her clothes as well, and reveals giant red underpants. Once again she does her impersonation of a rolling log. Zhan Hu wins a point, and the tribe wins its first challenge. They kidnap Leslie until the next immunity challenge.

ZHAN HU: Leslie observes that the Zhan Hu morale is good, even though they have lost two people. Apparently she hasn’t picked up on Dave’s impending killing spree. She also feels like she can share her faith with the Zhan Hu people like she can’t at Fei Long. The women take her swimming and pick her brains. There they find a fair amount of dog hair there and smugly examine it. Peih Gee interviews that you can get more dog hair out of a person’s brain by being nice to them than you can by demanding it forthrightly. Words to live by.

FEI LONG: James and Jean Robert sit in the lake, and discuss Todd and Courtney, while Todd and Courtney listen from behind a nearby stand of bamboo. The eavesdroppers learn that Courtney will be the first to go. The large men continue to loudly discuss “getting ass” and how Courtney doesn’t do work. One of them pronounces, “The only thing better than a million dollars is a million dollars and some ass.” Now why wasn’t that the episode title? Hmm? Then they form the “Getting Ass” alliance and Courtney, behind the bamboo, tells Todd she is never sleeping near “any of them” again. Todd swears revenge.

ZHAN HU: Leslie now has a clue to the immunity idol in Zhan Hu’s camp, just like Jaime had one in the first episode. She returns the favor that Jaime did, by sharing the clue with Jaime. The clues and camera tell us that the hidden immunity idol is a carving on the gate that marked their campsite. This whole “who to trust with the clues” plotline is more boring than watching Jean Robert squeeze mud in the lake. Because at least watching that makes you wonder, “Why is he doing that?”

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE: Cut through beams to release slotted disks, solve a puzzle with the disks, drag the puzzle to the finish line.

Courtney machetes like her arms are made of rubber and the machete is a small car. That is to say, badly. Frosty machetes like an old lady killing a bee with a broom. That is to say, briskly. All of the Zhan Hu people machete their disks loose before Courtney finishes hacking through the first set of beams. Even though the puzzle people make up a lot of time, Fei Long cannot recover from Courtney’s slow ass, and Zhan Hu wins.

Stock footage reveals there is a big wall in China. Are the survivors anywhere near that?

FEI LONG: Courtney hurt her shoulder and gave herself massive blisters by taking so long on the challenge. Maybe they should vote off Courtney? Leslie told Zhan Hu that Aaron is the leader of the tribe and he gets mad about that betrayal. Maybe they should get rid of Leslie? Todd confers with all the women on the tribe and they agree that Jean Robert is unpleasant. Maybe they should vote off Todd? I mean, he’s so tiny, would anyone really notice? I mean, wait, they should vote off Jean Robert. Oh, who knows.

Jean Robert walks around in a black skirt, low slung enough that they have to blur his crotch. Wow, I wish they would vote him off.

TRIBAL COUNCIL: Jean Robert “keeps it real” by complaining about how weak Courtney and Leslie are. Courtney cries that she feels like her team sees her as a liability, and it doesn’t help that all the challenges have been physical – mud wrestling, pushing people off planks, chopping beams. She has a point.

They vote out Leslie.

Next week on Survivor: Courtney and Jean Robert fight. Dave and Sherea fight. And everyone gets to dress up in samurai outfits and throw bollocks or boluses or baudrillards or whatever those things are that you throw that look like rocks hanging from ropes. Bolas! See you then.

Labels: episode 3, recap, survivor, survivor china