This season on Survivor, China is awesome! Stock footage of pandas replaces stock footage of sea snakes. Stock footage of mist over mountain peaks replaces stock footage of crabs. A lunch lady, a grave digger, a poker player, a Seriously, China is totally awesome. Sixteen suspicious-looking strangers arrive in Shanghai with enormous suitcases which they lug deep into the back country to an awesome mystical lake where they will be living. Before moving in proper, they participate in a welcome ceremony.

The Christian talk radio host cannot make it through the ceremony because it feels too much like worship, although Jeff Probst makes a point of telling them it’s not a religious ceremony. The New York waitress has difficulty getting through too, because, as she says, she did not come here to be a monk, and they were like, bowing for days. For days. She is real super-blond and skinny. Please not that the lunch lady, after expressing wonder and emotion over the Buddhist welcoming ceremony, does not get any more lines. That’ll learn her.

After the ceremony, Jeff Probst reveals since Buddhism means leaving behind material possessions, they will be wearing only the clothes they came in. So, what was the philosophical reason behind all the other times they only had the clothes they came in? Nice try, Jeff. He also reveals that Sun Tzu’s Art of War will figure heavily in the game. What, is that because they’re in China or something? Wow, the strategies in this book could really help you play the game! So could not burning yourself up in a fire, not whining about wanting to go home, not claiming to be the pivotal vote, and other stuff.

Teams are chosen. Zhan Hu in yellow and Fei Long in Red. To be known henceforth as that one team and that other team.

The teams arrive at their camps.

At the red camp, Survivor Courtney, the waitress from NYC, expresses shock that she is meeting people who are not like she is, who do not come from NYC. She says that people in New York to not give each other thumbs up and say “Good job.” She must have been cast, not auditioned. Also at Fei Long, a giant baby in a denim diaper accuses a small gay man of *not* being a flight attendant. Mysterious.

COMMERCIAL:

A red bear with a loose, bouncy tail introduces superstrong toilet paper and a blue bear with a loose, bouncy tail introduces supersoft toilet paper. Now your bottom can choose its experience while becoming tidy after a poo. Thank you, colorful bears.

Anti-depressants advertised on Survivor? I thought anti-depressants were only advertised during the Tyra Banks Show. Not that I watch it. I don’t.

ZHAN HU: The team discovers an old rotten wall in the jungle. Chicken suggests that they not use a rotten old wall for a shelter. He is told not to be negative, and the team proceeds to hang it from a tree and try to sleep under it, standing up. Chicken is very offended that his opinion was not taken seriously, and pouts for the rest of the show. He is totally over it!

In other news, Ashley is a WWDiva. She is a wrestler and she has fake boobs. How does that work? Peih-Gee is Chinese and it makes her feel strange being in China. She cannot connect to the wackiness out here, she feels very serious. She thinks about her grandfather who recently died. I kind of like her but my superfavorite is Courtney from NYC who hates everyone and is skeletal.

Chicken is asked his opinion, repeatedly, and nastily refuses to give it. Did he mention, he is over it?

FEI LONG: Bamboo is awesome. James the grave digger can knock a tree down just by pushing on it. He confesses to Leslie (Christian talk radio host) that he can’t be social and charming. Leslie gives him some pointers on it – ask people questions, because they love to talk about themselves. I already love James. James and Courtney, final two.

ZHAN HU: Team Yellow is trying to sleep standing up under shelter. They are wet. They are hoping Chicken will save their asses and build them a shelter, but Chicken is only able to say he told them so, and suffer in the rain.

The next day, Ashley the wrestler is puking and shivering. Dave the ex-model promises sincerely that she’s not on the block just because she’s sick, then interviews that she is definitely gone first if she doesn’t get better. Nice! I loathe Dave. I loathe Ashley a little bit too. There is enough loathing for all.

COMMERCIALS: I love the music to the J.C. Penney commercial about unlocking your magic, but I guarantee that tomorrow I will not remember what it was a commercial for. Well, probably I will remember, since I wrote it down. I knew this blog would be good for something.

TV: Every day, what if your moisturizer could treat the causes of aging, not just the signs?
Husband: That would be AWESOME!

So, China and Loreal Skin Genesis are awesome.

FEI LONG: Red Team gets cool tree-mail shaped like a dragon. Todd who actually is a flight attendant pushes leadership onto Aaron the surfer, who told us earlier he wouldn’t be a leader because he didn’t want a target on his back. Don’t’ worry,

ZHAN HU: Yellow team gets a tree-mail shaped like a tiger. A man named Frosty claims to be a master of “Parkoor” which means climbing over obstacles. I do not know how to spell “Parkoor” but it sounds like my favorite show, Ninja Warrior. Is that what it is?

IMMUNITY CHALLENGE: Obstacle course with Chinese dragons. Keys, drawbridges, gates, puzzles, the works, plus dragons. Winning tribe gets fire and a kneeling Chinese warrior toy. Also, everybody gets the running shoes they brought, to take back to camp.

The dragons make a cool aerial shot. Sherea has shown up for the thing wearing her bra. Fei Long wins immunity and fire. Skeletal Cynic Courtney jumps up and down enthusiastically, disappointing all her friends at home.

COMMERCIALS: I like the Wendy’s commercial because it is such a brilliant touch to have all the people running to jump into the hole with their arms straight down at their sides. Just makes them all look so much more feckless.

ZHAN ZU: Peih Gee bawls about losing and then starts bossing everyone around, making insane suggestions like “Let’s build a shelter” and “Maybe we should keep the tools in a pile.” This strikes Ashley as bad – choose one or the other, Ashley recommends. Either be bossy or sad. Thanks, Ashley.

Chicken wants Ashley gone because she was sick. Pee Jeih wants Chicken gone because he won’t give an opinion. Sherea, whose dress is already, inexplicably, in tatters (What was it made of? Corn husk?), wants Peih Gee gone because she’s bossy. Everybody wants everybody gone for reasons they just can’t clearly articulate. Everyone promises everyone that they won’t write their names down.

TRIBAL COUNCIL: Jeff Probst tells them fire represents life in the game. This is not news to anyone. Dave volunteers to be the leader, promises to get everything “nice and tight.” The fact that Dave is gay is not news to anyone either. Everyone says they’re voting out the least productive member, and Ashley looks to the right and the left, very worried. Chicken makes pompous statements about how they need to do this and that.

Ashley’s boobs vote for Peigh Gee. Sherea’s tattered dress votes for mercy. Chicken is voted out.

Chicken walked around pissing on everyone’s ideas for building a shelter, then pulled three days of pout that his opinion had not been respected. When he discovers he is voted out, he hollers, “DAMN” and everyone jumps out of their skins. Good riddance, whiner.

They get to take their torches back to camp.

NEXT WEEK ON SURVIVOR: The giant baby demands rest, the wrestler body-slams someone, and Courtney rolls her eyes at China.

Labels: china, episode 1, recap, survivor, survivor china